Grief, loss and fear.

[caretoomuch]

I have recently lost the love of a very beautiful woman. She lost her love for me due to petty jealousy, not fully committing and not returning her love. Whilst I had mitigating circumstances her reality was that it was not worth going on. Despite her love for me she made the very courageous decision to end the relationship back in October 2003. After 3 months of attempted reconciliations it is now over. We never fought, argued or any of the such, which makes it hard for me to let go fully.

 

Yesterday she came over to return some things and despite her assurances that she would keep in contact I am now left with an overwhelming fear that I will never see or hear from her again. I also have a deep fear that she may leave sydney and move elsewhere in australia. In her words she does not want any relationship with anyone at the moment due to the hurt i have caused her. Basically she has lost trust in love.

 

I realise that i cannot contact her in any form and the ball remains in her court to initiate any contact. I want to remain in her life in some form, and to be trusted enough even as a friend is a deep desire. I know time heals all pain and that due to the nature of our breakup hope still exists for some friendship. Our love was deep and intense and i just sit and regret the loss as it was beautiful.

 

A question for the forum .... i know that i cannot contact her as it is perceived as an annoyance by her. But what are my options to keep the lines of communication open. i do not want to just fade away and to never see or hear from her again. What is too much and what is not enough ? How can i act to foster her initiating contact ? It seems foreign that no contact from me can help this but i realise that contact will only push her further away. I would love to think that in 6 months if we are still unattached that i could ring and start a new relationship slowly. I have a lot of personal maintenace to do in the meantime but i do not want to loose her totally.

 

Basically i would appreciate opinions on how i can keep in contact without pushing her further away. to let her know i want her in my life even as a friend ... to be trusted to enjoy her company and her mine.

 

The grief of possibly never seeing her again is great ... the anxiety of the failed relationship is gone only to be replaced by this new fear. I just enjoy being with her, in her company but now i fear i cannot even have that.

 

cheers

[InLoKo]

You are going to have to leave this for a few months at least, I would say. Then you may have healed and may feel that friendship with her would just be too painful. Why wouldn't you commit or return her love?

[Steve2usa]

YES...YES....YES AND NO!!!!

 

Yes you had relationship problems and she dumped you, and she gave you a reason...More than most get.

 

Yes she said she would keep in contact with you...It may take her time...but trust her, she just might.

 

Yes You know the no contact rule and you have to be strong and apply it to your life now and give her time to find herself, she is having problems not only with you, but with the concept of love in general. That's never healthy.

 

And NO!!! There is nothing you can do to make her want to keep contact with you. You will only push her farther from you than she is now.

 

You see, you already have the answers to your questions, now all you have to do is listen to yourself and do the right thing. You already have a good chance, because she told you that she would keep in contact.

 

Good luck and were all here for you.

[caretoomuch]

InLoKo

 

I was in the process of a very messy divorce. My ex-wife left me in April 2002 and then i met my latest love in November 2002. We had a very beautiful intense love where she gave evrything to me. I gave as much as i could. I have 2 boys and she had 1 girl. 2003 saw me fighting for access to my boys and this consumed me a great deal. she was always there for me but i did present a depressed figure about 80% of the time where normally i am a very happy person the majority of the time. This drained her as i did not have the emotional energy to give to her what she deserved. I guess after 10 months of me dragging my issues over to her she lost her energy for our relationship. I did not intentionally commit but in reality i did not give her what she needed and deserved. the sad point is that my lady left me in october 2003 and 2 weeks later i finally settled with my ex wife. i fought for my kids and i won them, but at a very huge cost to me.

 

i was going to ask her to marry me at xmas but in her words ... 'it is too late'. i made her feel that i was questioning her love and that i would never be there for her to the level she needed. she made a decision for her and her daughter. i did also have issues that i did not take to her daughter as quick as my lady wanted. the daughter was a great kid and we had a lot of fun, but i could not see her in the same light as my boys and this hurt my lady. i grew close to the daughter eventually but once again it was too late.

 

i know i must leave her alone and agree that time may heal her pain. i just see her never wanting to even talk to me now because of the pain i caused. she acts like what we had never happened and that was not the case and i feel that pain as it meant a great deal to. i want to be in her life and at least for her to remember our love even if it can not be anymore.

 

what is a good time to leave her alone ... 1, 2,3 months ????? i said i would send her an invite to my 40th birthday in may ... i just would like her to feel she can call me anytime for just a chat or help if she needs.

 

cheers

[InLoKo]

Originally posted by caretoomuch

This drained her as i did not have the emotional energy to give to her what she deserved.

Anyone who has read "The Celestine Prophecy" will understand exactly what draining someone's energy means. You must have been at least one of the following personalities: Intimidating, Interrogating, Aloof or Poor Me. Do you know which you were?

I did not intentionally commit but in reality i did not give her what she needed and deserved. the sad point is that my lady left me in october 2003

Did you not commit because your mind was on your divorce/custody battle? If that is the case, when did you realise you did love her? When she left?

i was going to ask her to marry me at xmas

When did you decide to do this?

what is a good time to leave her alone ... 1, 2,3 months ????? i said i would send her an invite to my 40th birthday in may

What did she say when you said you'd invite her to your birthday?

i just would like her to feel she can call me anytime for just a chat or help if she needs.

This may be a "nice" gesture (and partly guilt driven). You need to understand that her attitude "may" be that you didn't give her anything during the relationship, therefore she may well tell you what you can do with your chat/help offer.

[caretoomuch]

I was interrogating and poor me ... well not so much poor me but rather i felt very sad for my boys so i guess poor them ... this consumed me and i searched for a way they could have a happy childhood. the reality was that kids handle divorce better than adults and it was more of an adventure for them ... but i have only realised this in the past 3 months.

 

I did commit but not fully. we spoke of a life together as a family only 3-4 months after meeting. I always loved her but just did not give enough to her because i was distracted. i was very affectionate, giving and caring. i think it was more because i was so consumed my lady felt that i was questioning her love for me.

 

We spoke of marriage often throughout the year. we would have conversations along the line of ... 'when we are married ...' As late as september we still spoke of this. she had planned the wedding with music and dresses and her daughter as a flower girl ... i was not afraid of that and in fact i think it was spoken of so often i came to think i had time to do it right. i did want the mess of my divorce to be over so noone could say it was a rebound marriage. i waited too long. i wanted the marriage as did she ... she just got tired of waiting and must have felt that it was not going to happen. she was a woman in a hurry due to be alone for over 11 years ... and i wanted to do it right. in the end i took her granted and expected that she would understand why i was taking so long. as i have said there were mitigating circumstances and i wanted to do it right with no hiiden fears from her or anyone else that it was a rebound thing.

 

when i mentioned my 40th she simply answered ... where is it going to be and who is arranging it ... she did not reject the idea and gave me the impression that she would come.

 

wanting her in my life is not a guilt thing but rather that i enjoy her and she enjoyed me and i feel it to be a great shame that 2 good people cannot remain in each others lives. we never fought and we dont hate each other. i feel she still has feelings but is very hurt. i can understand her wanting to be away ... she also has issues to sort out but in time i waould like to think we can at least talk over a coffee. she gives me the impression that the silence is based on the fact that she knows my feelings for her and that makes her sad also ... i understand this and that is why i hope time can allow her to trust me again and want to talk.

 

this lady gave more to me in 10 months than i got from the total 16 years of my marriage. i just kept my pain too much to myself and that hurt her as i did not share it ... in a way she may have felt i did not trust her, but this was not so ... i just am that type of a person.

 

cheers

[mandrews1119]

Hang in there Big Fella!!

It sounds as if there was a lot of hurt, but it also sounds as if you have a lot of love to work with here. You sound realistic and have made some changes in the way you have been approaching things, now you must convey that to her, and give her time to move in your direction again. I think she will!! Once she has healed enough to respond, I think you know exactly what to do. Good luck. By the way, thanks for your support on the other thread. For us guys, this is the hardest part, giving time to heal and space to do it in. We seem to want to just have her skip to the reuniting part because we have "seen the light" - I know that is the case with me at least.! It takes time, all we can do is be there if and when the situation calls for it. As long as you are working on you, that's all that can happen for now. I have had to come to that realization, because all I wanted to do was reach out and let her know everything I didn't when I should have before things went south.! Best of luck.