- I think I regret my marriage

[abcatt12]

My husband and I met about 5 years ago, dated for about 6 mos, moved in togther then bought a house about a year in. We got married approximately 1 year after buying the house (2 1/2 yrs of dating) and got pregnant shortly thereafter (which is a lot in a short time). We've been married just over 2yrs now. When we met things were wonderful and new (as always) but I've got to say looking back that part sizzled a bit earlier than with others in the past. However, we enjoyed doing a lot of the same things and we enjoyed our time together - football, camping, fishing, hanging on the couch. A lot of it included drinking though I guess. I really looked at him as a good potential life partner. He cleans, cooks, etc. and is a good dad. However, I really am not sure if I like him very much anymore and I really regret marrying him. I think I overlooked some very important things and kind of just went along to get along. I should have seen the differences that are in our nature - I'm more of an openly caring person - I do volunteer work, give to charity, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc. He would never. I am very intelligent, enjoy reading, talking politics, board games. He's more street smart than book smart, hates politcis and I've yet to get him to play a card or board game with me. One thing I can't believe I missed is that we never talked politics - which I LOVE. He also is a bit crazy about keeping the house clean which causes arguements - I don't really care that much if the counters have stuff on them (not food or anything) or the dishes get put in the dishwasher tomorrow instead of tonight. But my cleanliness has improved since we've been married (his words). However, he still complains (read bitches) about things all the time and I'm sick to death of it. To make a long story short - when he falls asleep on the couch, I don't wake him to come to bed with me, when I see his coffee mug on the counter, I don't put it in the dishwasher for him. When I go turn on my side of our electric blanket, I don't turn on his; it's the way I've become because that's the way he is. Sometimes I try to be extra nice - doesn't seem to work. It's like I've become a less caring and more resentful person with him. So, I'd like ideas from people with more experience than me. Can we get our love back? How? And don't say talk to him because I've tried - he gets extremely defensive and storms away. If we weren't married I'd just break up with him. But we are married and have a lovely child. Thanks.

[blair08]

So I guess there is no embracing or accepting each others differences?

 

My husband likes heavy metal music...I on the other hand enjoy quiet peaceful music. My husband loves the outdoors, I like it, but I'm not as much into outdoor activities as he is. It doesn't bother me nor him that we have a few different interests or enjoying doing different things at times.

 

Is there anyway you both can come to a common ground on things? Does he have a problem with any of the things you mentioned too?

[make me believe]

A lot of this stuff seems rather petty, doesn't it? Where is the compromise in your marriage? If it bugs your husband that much when things are left out on the counter, even though it's not a big deal to you, there's no reason you can't get into the habit of putting things away right after you use them. And why don't you turn on his side of the electric blanket if you know it makes him feel bad when you don't?? These are small things that can go a long way in making a person feel loved. (At the same time, your husband should be doing similar things for you. It goes both ways.)

 

I agree with blair, you two should try to find some common ground. It seems as though you have quite a few hobbies you enjoy together (football, camping, fishing), so make an effort to do more of those things as a family. Look at your differences as an opportunity to grow as a person -- take an interest in his other hobbies and ask him to do the same thing for you.

[xxoo]

I do volunteer work, give to charity, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc. He would never. I am very intelligent, enjoy reading, talking politics, board games. He's more street smart than book smart, hates politcis and I've yet to get him to play a card or board game with me. One thing I can't believe I missed is that we never talked politics - which I LOVE.

 

I'm sure everyone could make such a list about the differences between them and their partner. I certainly can.

 

As long as you have some common interests to enjoy together, the differences can be strengths for your relationship. You balance each other as a couple and as parents. That's a good thing!

 

Remember that your child is half him. Your child will likely have many of his strengths, challenges, and interests. Seeing your partner--or yourself--in your precious child can be a step in accepting characteristics that previously annoyed you.

 

This part:

 

However, he still complains (read bitches) about things all the time and I'm sick to death of it.

 

sounds like the typical kind of stuff that newly married couples argue about. You need to learn to give and take--he lets some stuff go, you step up and take care of some things because it is important to him. AND you both need to learn to communicate wants and needs without "bitching" or growing resentful. It's a journey. It takes some time.

 

If you enjoy talking books and politics, or playing board games, by all means find people who enjoy those things with you. Have a board game night with friends; partners who don't like games can stay home or watch tv in another room. Join a book club. Talk politics on message boards. Your partner can't be expected to meet ALL your needs.

[EnigmasMuse]

By some of your statements it sounds to me as if you've already checked out of the marriage.

 

You did say if you weren't married you would break up with him. Well don't let the fact that you have a child together stop you, especially if you are unhappy, and feel as if you can't talk to him.

 

I'm all for fighting for a marriage and working out a compromise. But I'm not so sure you really even want to do that. If he is not willing to talk to you about things or meet you half way, then sounds like you need to make a decision.

[Green]

As others have said you need to change your attitude. You would probably feel this way with any man after 5 years and a kid.

 

He needs to try to make you happy. You need to try and make him happy. It's often the little things that count. You should TALK to him. I know you don't want to hear it, but talking with him is the only way. If you get in a fight because of the talking, try again later without yelling.

 

Now I echo previous posters again; If he doesn't like books and polotics... then join a book club. Have a board game night at your place.

[quankanne]

As others have said you need to change your attitude. You would probably feel this way with any man after 5 years and a kid.

 

yep. No matter how much you love 'em, or how long you've been with them, there's always something abut them that's gonna flat out drive you nuts. Or make you question your decision to stay married. And believe me, that's very, very normal.

 

ideally, the two of you would find a way to learn how to better communicate with each other so that you can address issues without necessarily going into defense mode because someone's convinced they're being attacked (Marriage Encounter is the tool that helped our marriage).

 

also, as much as you want him to enjoy the stuff you enjoy, it's not necessarily important to the marriage. What *is* important is that you both be willing to find something that you can do together, and seek compromise on the rest. Not compromise in the sense that one gives up something to keep the other person from complaining, but where you both agree to meet halfway and just try it to see if you might actually like it.

 

right now, I'm guessing that all your frustration with him is painting a very negative image of your marriage. Again, it's normal, but it's not necessarily healthy for the relationship ... or either of YOU. Do your best to move past those thoughts and look for real solutions.

 

as someone suggested, try harder to tidy up after yourself. At some point, he's going to notice and he'll be encouraged to do some little thing that you find important (joining board games every so often, etc) because he realizes that you are willing to meet him half-way.

 

marriage, at it's best, cannot be defined as perfect if there's no one willing to try to improve what needs to be improved. Even if you want to pinch his head off!

[dazzle22]

I suggest you read Mating in Captivity. Also in order for your marriage to last you will have to come to a place of total acceptance that he is a completely different personality than you, and somehow come to appreciate that you are "complementary" and not "similar".

[seibert253]

Marriage is all about compromise. You can't come to a compromise if you don't communicate.

 

Communication can be done informally, or formally, IE; MC.

 

MC was great in showing my W and I how we were "missing" what the other was "trying" to communicate. Too much not trying to hurt the other's feelings, letting it go for the sake of marital bliss, yada, yada.

 

Sometimes you just have to be blunt and honest. I may not like what my W has to say, but it's important to her, therefore it should be important to me. You will gain more respect with honesty.

[spriggig]

"And don't say talk to him because I've tried - he gets extremely defensive and storms away." Yep, not gonna get past the wall with words. And, this will only get worse with time.

 

Actions speak much louder than words. The right direction is to get off the fence and leave. Leave in order to draw him back into line. It's called No Contact, or NC. You can search this forum for the details.

 

Gotta make sure you want him back, first tho. Doesn't really sound like it to me.

[Pleco]

When I go turn on my side of our electric blanket, I don't turn on his; it's the way I've become because that's the way he is.

I suspect that this is your real problem. The differences you noted are very petty, especially considering you have other things in common. You can't expect someone to meet ALL of your needs - some intellectual stimulation you will always have to get from others.

 

But if he has always been inconsiderate of you, you will be more inclined to notice these petty differences and place the blame of your resentment on them rather than the real issue.

[troggleputty]

I'm afraid I don't buy the original post's rationale.

 

She sounds not only like she's already checked out, but also that's she's already got a replacement in mind, and essentially is attempting to rewrite the marriage. Every single one of her complaints strikes me as very minor. Remember this is not an arranged marriage, she had plenty of time to learn her h's ways and acclimate to him. It's like she's groping around for reasons to make him out to be the bad guy of the relationship and that's a sign of an EA or PA coming on.

[Tony T]

I'm afraid I don't buy the original post's rationale.

 

She sounds not only like she's already checked out, but also that's she's already got a replacement in mind, and essentially is attempting to rewrite the marriage. Every single one of her complaints strikes me as very minor. Remember this is not an arranged marriage, she had plenty of time to learn her h's ways and acclimate to him. It's like she's groping around for reasons to make him out to be the bad guy of the relationship and that's a sign of an EA or PA coming on.

 

Nope, not at all. Her husband is your classic narcissist. They don't show their colors until a bit of time has passed. I promise you, this lady's situation is far worse than she has described. This butthole is selfish, self centered, and cares only about himself. The poster is quite the opposite. Narcissists suck in givers like there's no tomorrow and make their lives holy hell afterwards. It's extremely difficult to leave one because they can be charming. However, the poster has had her fill of his bullshxt and she realizes he's not going to change. Narcissists NEVER do.

[Jeff1962]

abcatt12. Communication and honesty without judgement. If these do not work at all then you have a choice to make.

[troggleputty]

Nope, not at all. Her husband is your classic narcissist. They don't show their colors until a bit of time has passed. I promise you, this lady's situation is far worse than she has described. This butthole is selfish, self centered, and cares only about himself. The poster is quite the opposite. Narcissists suck in givers like there's no tomorrow and make their lives holy hell afterwards. It's extremely difficult to leave one because they can be charming. However, the poster has had her fill of his bullshxt and she realizes he's not going to change. Narcissists NEVER do.

 

 

I completely disagree Tony. As long as we are free to make a diagnosis, my first thought upon reading the OP was that her husband sounded like a pretty good guy, and that it was the OP who was an immature, and quite selfish, narcissist.

[troggleputty]

And Tony before you go off on some kind of a "moderator snit" based on my disagreement with your diagnosis, let's go to the videotape shall we:

 

 

He cleans, cooks, etc. and is a good dad.

 

Is this is a typical description of a man who can fairly be described as a "narcissist," Tony? No, not at all.

 

 

However, I really am not sure if I like him very much anymore and I really regret marrying him.

 

This is the OP describing her feelings--and NOT describing any conduct (or feelings for that matter) of her husband. Narcissists are always focused on their feelings as opposed to objective conduct of themselves or others. IOW OP comes off by this statement, as a rather fickle, immature young woman. In a word, a narcissist.

 

 

 

I think I overlooked some very important things and kind of just went along to get along.

Here, we see OP trying to avoid personal responsibility for her own choices and actions. It is not her husband's fault that OP overlooked some things or just went along (assuming this is not simply a rewrite of the marital history). Another classic characteristic of the narcissist is the failure to take responsibility for their own choices and actions (or inactions). No one forced the OP to "overlook" whatever it is she think she overlooked. No one forced her to marry her husband. That was her choice. She now seems to be saying that it's her husband's fault that she overlooked things and that she married him. No it's not her husband's fault. She didn't have to marry him.

 

 

I should have seen the differences that are in our nature - I'm more of an openly caring person - I do volunteer work, give to charity, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc. He would never.

 

Now, here the OP is speaking in derogatory manner about her husband which is clearly hyperbolic. IOW she is trying to make him the "bad guy." If he was such a "bad guy" why did she marry him in the first place? "He would never" do any of these things? "Never" ever ever? I'm sure a person who OP described as someone who cooks, cleans, and is a good dad, is not the sort of uncaring person she is trying to claim he is here.

 

 

I am very intelligent, enjoy reading, talking politics, board games. He's more street smart than book smart, hates politcis and I've yet to get him to play a card or board game with me. One thing I can't believe I missed is that we never talked politics - which I LOVE.

Interesting also, that OP doesn't really think her disillusionment with her marriage and her husband has anything at all to do with her. The way she describes herself, she's practically perfect. Again: this is quite characteristic of a narcissistic personality.

 

 

 

He also is a bit crazy about keeping the house clean which causes arguements - I don't really care that much if the counters have stuff on them (not food or anything) or the dishes get put in the dishwasher tomorrow instead of tonight. But my cleanliness has improved since we've been married (his words). However, he still complains (read bitches) about things all the time and I'm sick to death of it.

 

I'm not sure what we get out of this other than OP's subjective and quite probably incorrect perception of what constitutes a sufficiently clean and sanitary household. Perhaps from her husband's perspective the OP is a bit of a slob. Plenty of people don't like to leave the dirty dishes in the sink overnight (which is the only specific thing OP describes). That doesn't make them "neat freaks."

 

 

To make a long story short - when he falls asleep on the couch, I don't wake him to come to bed with me, when I see his coffee mug on the counter, I don't put it in the dishwasher for him. When I go turn on my side of our electric blanket, I don't turn on his; it's the way I've become because that's the way he is.

 

Once again--OP has not really described any objective actions or conduct of her husband. Rather she is completely focused on her subjective feelings. IOW the trademark of the narcissist. She's even basically admitting that she behaves selfishly--but why? Because her husband doesn't like dirty dishes left in the sink overnight? Because he won't play Monopoly with her? Because he doesn't want to get into political arguments with her?

 

 

 

Sometimes I try to be extra nice - doesn't seem to work. It's like I've become a less caring and more resentful person with him. So, I'd like ideas from people with more experience than me. Can we get our love back? How? And don't say talk to him because I've tried - he gets extremely defensive and storms away. If we weren't married I'd just break up with him. But we are married and have a lovely child. Thanks.

 

 

....And she still hasn't indicated any real reason why she's become dissatisfied with her marriage/husband. Other than her own immaturity.

 

 

Sorry Tony, but it seems your "white knighting" might be better-directed elsewhere.

[sally4sara]

If you place a high value on your ability to be caring and helpful, why are you changing who you are. When you do charity work, do the people you help have to go through some checklist of personality traits and a log of past actions to be eligible for your "altruistic" help?

If you don't like some of his quirks, I don't see how mirroring them is going to help.

He didn't like your tolerance for clutter so you have stepped it up a bit. You don't like his nagging - so the best way you've found is to give him more reasons to nag? Not the best plan of action especially now that there is a kid and house in the mix. More at stake means you should invest more effort into making it work.

 

Perhaps some marriage counseling would be wise for the problems before to just resign yourself into a path of resentment on your way out of the marriage?