She doesnt love me

[pedro1]

Ok im new here,me and my wife have been together for 11 years,married 8 years, have known each other for 18 years, she is 31 im 40.We have two great boys ones 14 (her previous marriage) and a 5 year old.In the last two years we have had tension in the house.We dont fight at all we just let it build up inside, i know now that we had communacation problems.

Well last month she went to a counselor and came home to tell me that she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt think she will again,i freeked out probably did all the wrong things to do after someone says that to you,

So skip ahead to now, we are still living together,I asked her if she would go make 100% sure that this is what she wants before she moves out with the kids,she said ok,now we are on are second week of couple counceling.Each time we go I find out something that is wrong with me,which is fine, I need to learn my down falls.

The thing is during the week she is fine at home,more quiet than normal but she lets me talk to her and tell her my feelings.She wont talk about herself to me only at counceling.She says that there is a war going on in her head and she just wants to bang it against the wall.At counceling she is a different person like her mean person comes out.

I guess im writing this for some support or just want to no if im doing all I can to save are marriage.

Edited March 3, 2010 by pedro1

[Gunny376]

As typical of MC, she using the MC sessions to justifiy all of your short comings, mistakes, etc. ~ and as validation for leaving the marriage.

 

That is to say that she not fully participating. You might want to discuss this one on one with the MC.

[onedayatatyme]

My wife and I have been together 10, married 7. Two kids. She is 28, I'm 33. I am getting the exact same message, she isn't "in love" with me but she is willing to try to work on reconcilliation. My wife is also offering a laundry list of things that are wrong with me.

 

My theory after much reflection is that focussing on the negative things about me accomplishes two things for her. I justifies her feelings for wanting out of the marriage and therefore eases any guilt she's feeling. Secondly, she may be trying to push my buttons to the point where I am fed up and pull the trigger on a divorce.

 

My strategy (mind you I am no expert and I have no idea if this is going to work or not) is to refuse to engage her in battle. I am trying my best to listen and accept her feelings as legitimate and not even try to defend myself. I am telling her that I don't agree with everything she says but that I respect her feelings on the issue and that I am working very hard on making changes. I'm basically giving her nothing to fight with. It does seem to be getting her to settle down.

 

I'm trying to get my head in a place to settle in for a long road ahead. First order of business, win back her respect. The "in love" feelings will come later.

[aimchase]

My wife and I have been together 10, married 7. Two kids. She is 28, I'm 33. I am getting the exact same message, she isn't "in love" with me but she is willing to try to work on reconcilliation. My wife is also offering a laundry list of things that are wrong with me.

 

My theory after much reflection is that focussing on the negative things about me accomplishes two things for her. I justifies her feelings for wanting out of the marriage and therefore eases any guilt she's feeling. Secondly, she may be trying to push my buttons to the point where I am fed up and pull the trigger on a divorce.

 

My strategy (mind you I am no expert and I have no idea if this is going to work or not) is to refuse to engage her in battle. I am trying my best to listen and accept her feelings as legitimate and not even try to defend myself. I am telling her that I don't agree with everything she says but that I respect her feelings on the issue and that I am working very hard on making changes. I'm basically giving her nothing to fight with. It does seem to be getting her to settle down.

 

I'm trying to get my head in a place to settle in for a long road ahead. First order of business, win back her respect. The "in love" feelings will come later.

 

Well if that's your own method it's a good one, as it looks like you're following much of the Homer methods. Don't tell her you're changing though. Just agree, be polite, and don't make any suggestions about what you're doing or how you intend to change.

[hopesndreams]

Ok im new here,me and my wife have been together for 11 years,married 8 years, have known each other for 18 years, she is 31 im 40.We have two great boys ones 14 (her previous marriage) and a 5 year old.In the last two years we have had tension in the house.We dont fight at all we just let it build up inside, i know now that we had communacation problems.

Well last month she went to a counselor and came home to tell me that she doesnt love me anymore and doesnt think she will again,i freeked out probably did all the wrong things to do after someone says that to you,

So skip ahead to now, we are still living together,I asked her if she would go make 100% sure that this is what she wants before she moves out with the kids,she said ok,now we are on are second week of couple counceling.Each time we go I find out something that is wrong with me,which is fine, I need to learn my down falls.

The thing is during the week she is fine at home,more quiet than normal but she lets me talk to her and tell her my feelings.She wont talk about herself to me only at counceling.She says that there is a war going on in her head and she just wants to bang it against the wall.At counceling she is a different person like her mean person comes out.

I guess im writing this for some support or just want to no if im doing all I can to save are marriage.

 

How did you both meet?

[pedro1]

Are friends and family ran around in the same circles, we met way back when ,then we were both single later in life we hooked up

[hopesndreams]

You will need to do the 180. It's a way to give her space and for you, to get strong. She isn't working on communication issues with you and is shutting down. The biggest reason for this could be her having her sights on another. If that's the case, or even if it isn't, by implementing the 180, it could draw her back to you. She could then realize what she could be losing, and if it doesn't, it makes you stronger for whatever possible outcome there may be.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[spriggig]

Thank you. Here it is, all in one place, I've been trying to write this myself.

[pedro1]

im trying it Hopesndreams thank you,we still live in the same house and same bed just like room mates, so at least shes still here

[pedro1]

Update

Ive been going to joint counceling for four weeks now, nothing has changed wife still tells my it over and wants a divorce, the wierd thing is I told her that I wanted to work on the marriage and she could move if she wanted to, after I said that she changed her mind about moving out, now she says that she will stay there till I learn how her feelings are that she wants to move out, we still sleep in the same bed she won't touch me but she let's me put my arm around her at night. She doesn't want me to put all are toys up for sale( jeeps, rhino, motorhome) even that I said she gets money from them,

it's like she's unhappy but she won't take the plunge, I no there is not another guy in the picture, I just think she doesn't no what she wants.

[hopesndreams]

Update

Ive been going to joint counceling for four weeks now, nothing has changed wife still tells my it over and wants a divorce, the wierd thing is I told her that I wanted to work on the marriage and she could move if she wanted to, after I said that she changed her mind about moving out, now she says that she will stay there till I learn how her feelings are that she wants to move out, we still sleep in the same bed she won't touch me but she let's me put my arm around her at night. She doesn't want me to put all are toys up for sale( jeeps, rhino, motorhome) even that I said she gets money from them,

it's like she's unhappy but she won't take the plunge, I no there is not another guy in the picture, I just think she doesn't no what she wants.

 

She does know what she wants. She wants to see you sing and dance and worship the ground she walks on, until she decides what to do. How long can you live like this?

 

She's unhappy? Does she not care how you feel and your unhappiness that she is making you suffer?

 

Why is it all about her? What has she done to get out of this mindstate? Are you the only one seeking therapy? You're not the one wanting to end the M, she is...so what exactly is she going to do about it?

 

Use the therapy in order to help yourself move on in your life and leave her in the dust. Let her wallow in her unhappiness...alone. Or will she be alone?

 

Time will tell. Or, get your answers now and tell her you're done and filing for a D. After that, be prepared to follow through or get yourself ready for her to change her tune.

 

Nothing worse than living the way you are. Agreed?

[N.Colony]

Read this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=172049

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Read this thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=172049

 

 

Wow, fascinating forum I had never heard of. Most of the advice is boot camp 'Gunny' style. I like it.

[phineas]

She does know what she wants. She wants to see you sing and dance and worship the ground she walks on, until she decides what to do. How long can you live like this?

 

She's unhappy? Does she not care how you feel and your unhappiness that she is making you suffer?

 

Why is it all about her? What has she done to get out of this mindstate? Are you the only one seeking therapy? You're not the one wanting to end the M, she is...so what exactly is she going to do about it?

 

Use the therapy in order to help yourself move on in your life and leave her in the dust. Let her wallow in her unhappiness...alone. Or will she be alone?

 

Time will tell. Or, get your answers now and tell her you're done and filing for a D. After that, be prepared to follow through or get yourself ready for her to change her tune.

 

Nothing worse than living the way you are. Agreed?

 

Agree with hopes.

 

Eventually you will have enough & give her the ultimatum of staying or going if things don't change now.

 

My STBXW sounds EXACTLY like yours.

 

The only difference is she was having an affair.

 

Played the same games to get me to be her monkey boy bending over backward for her.

 

Threatened to leave so many times. I eventually told her to get out & then she changed her tune & wanted to stay.

 

It was so obvious to me that she knew what she was doing & thought I was stupid. Thats when I started digging real hard & found the stuff she was sending to OM in e-mail.

 

MC was all about what I did wrong.

And her not admitting to an affair.

She didn't want to talk about her at all.

 

4 weeks of MC and all you talk about is what you did wrong?

I'll bet a bunch of it is silly stuff also.

It's time to start focusing on her in MC.

Right now she knows she has you.

I guarantee she is working on an exit strategy right now.

Your desperation to save the marriage is giving her time to plan that.

 

Change your tune to "I don't think MC is working out & I think it's best you leave because I can't live with this anymore" I'm willing to bet she will change her tune.

 

Either way though, 4 weeks of her acting this way sounds like she is already gone from the marriage.

 

Also, make sure there isn't someone else. It isn't always the case, but usually when a woman just decides she is no longer in love with her man it's usually because another man has caught her eye.

 

 

Sorry.

[seibert253]

You will need to do the 180. It's a way to give her space and for you, to get strong. She isn't working on communication issues with you and is shutting down. The biggest reason for this could be her having her sights on another. If that's the case, or even if it isn't, by implementing the 180, it could draw her back to you. She could then realize what she could be losing, and if it doesn't, it makes you stronger for whatever possible outcome there may be.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

^^^^^^

This right here. No better advise.

If you haven't started, no better time than the present.

[FryFish]

I would wager that there IS another guy. She wants to be with him but doesnt want to drop you just yet in case it doesnt work and she doesnt want to be left stranded. You dont want to believe that there is another guy but now is a good time to sit down and honestly consider what you would want "if" she is cheating on you. Do you want it to work if she is? If so, the 180 is your ONLY chance. If you dont want to stay with her IF she is cheating then why let her have your kid?

[seibert253]

Update

Ive been going to joint counceling for four weeks now, nothing has changed wife still tells my it over and wants a divorce, the wierd thing is I told her that I wanted to work on the marriage and she could move if she wanted to, after I said that she changed her mind about moving out, now she says that she will stay there till I learn how her feelings are that she wants to move out, we still sleep in the same bed she won't touch me but she let's me put my arm around her at night. She doesn't want me to put all are toys up for sale( jeeps, rhino, motorhome) even that I said she gets money from them,

it's like she's unhappy but she won't take the plunge, I no there is not another guy in the picture, I just think she doesn't no what she wants.

 

Pedro,

Never say never as far as an OM being in the picture. MANY of us here made that same mistake. Have you done your homework/investigation?

Check her email, cellphone, and if your have a home computer install a keylogger. You may not like what you find, but either way, you'll know what enemy your facing.

The approach to winning back a WW, is much different than attempting to bring back a disconnected one.

[pedro1]

Little update, last weekend the grandparents came and picked up the boys for the spring break week and right after they left my wife moved to her moms, I haven't talked to her for four days now, just trying to pass the time without talking to her, hopefully it's giving her some space from the family to let her think, the only thing I hate now is the boys are going to come home to a split family and be shocked. Thank you all for all your posts keep them coming.

[pedro1]

did some investigation but couldn't find nothing I'm pretty close to her sister, and she swears that mothing is going on and I do believe her. She just says that she has just gave up on trying,That she's been trying to fix are problems for the last two years without telling me we had a problem( goes back to are lack of comunication problems)she is really stubbern always has been, the last time we talked she said that since she told everyone that it's over with that if she trys harder to work on then that means she gave up on what she said she was going to do, I told her it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

[hopesndreams]

did some investigation but couldn't find nothing I'm pretty close to her sister, and she swears that mothing is going on and I do believe her. She just says that she has just gave up on trying,That she's been trying to fix are problems for the last two years without telling me we had a problem( goes back to are lack of comunication problems)she is really stubbern always has been, the last time we talked she said that since she told everyone that it's over with that if she trys harder to work on then that means she gave up on what she said she was going to do, I told her it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

 

What investigation did you do? Did you get chance to go through all and every bit of her belongings? What personality changes have you noticed, before her unhappiness came to light?

 

Since the children are at the Grandparents, there is no reason, whatsoever, for you to be in contact with her. When the children come back, do not engage her in any talk about what she's been doing while she has been at her mums. If she wants out of the M, the sooner she realizes that you will not be there for her to give any emotional support, the better. This can possibly make her re-think what she is doing.

 

If there is an OM, and he is well hidden, perhaps even from her sister, then this M is doomed. If you come across anything that proves she does have another in her life, don't bother to compete with him, you can't win. The only thing you could do is expose the A to friends and family to bring the A to light and take it out of the darkness. A's aren't any fun if they aren't a secret.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this Pedro. The chances of a spouse just up and leaving without there being any physical, mental abuse and then not trying, really trying to make things work, there is a 99% chance there is someone waiting in the wings.

[pedro1]

Belive me I have looked, I almost wish she had because I wouldn't be trying so hard, my first wife cheated on me so I no what that's like to go through,

I don't no what to say, I have some deep down inside of me feelings that it has to do with something inside of her thats making her act like this, right now I'm just giving her space, soon we will have to talk about the kids before they get home.

[Gunny376]

Wow, fascinating forum I had never heard of. Most of the advice is boot camp 'Gunny' style. I like it.

 

Well its the damned truth! Woman comes to you and tells you she's

 

a. Not happy

b. I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

c. I want a divorce?

 

"Well By God! There's the door! Don't let it hit you where the good Lord Split Ya! But understand that as soon as I hear the "closing of the door?"

 

There's no second chances, working it out nor coming back.

 

I'm being for real? When a woman walks out on you? It means one thing and one thing only!

 

You've got to get off your dead @zz and go find you a new woman.

 

Damn tha' bad luck!

 

The problem with all too many women is that the believe that their social/economic/sexual/attractiveness value is the same at forty as it was when they were sixteen.

 

Not so. There's an optimum solution point to where you cross over from being an asset to a liability, (Same for men in regards to women)

 

For both men and women ~ when they become more of a libility than an asset, when they become more of the problem than the answer, when they become more of the question than the answer?

 

Its time to "bust" a move!

[mimidarlin]

I think I will be more of an asset than a liability as I approach 40 but I don't think I will as accepting of liabilities as I was in my early 20's. Those red flags will send me running.

 

I want to be a partner...not the "parent" or the "child" in a relationship. I think I took on the child role financially with my marriage but I took on the parent role emotionally. The first one placed to much responsibility on my husband. The second one just wore the f*** out.

[Gunny376]

I think I will be more of an asset than a liability as I approach 40 but I don't think I will as accepting of liabilities as I was in my early 20's. Those red flags will send me running.

 

I want to be a partner...not the "parent" or the "child" in a relationship. I think I took on the child role financially with my marriage but I took on the parent role emotionally. The first one placed to much responsibility on my husband. The second one just wore the f*** out.

 

 

Don't take what I said as an absolute for any and all! There aren't any absolutes when it comes to being human! Its all relative!

 

IMHO? Women have a rougher row to hoe than men.

 

Sorry if I gave you any offense. None taken, and none meant!

 

But your so right about roles? Masculine, feminine, parential, child, dominant, submissive ~ (can't resist) ~ @ZZHOLE!

 

And yes I've assume that role a many a time!