how to I move reconciliation forward?

[onedayatatyme]

My wife and I have been through a really rough time and we're working on reconciliation but it is tough. I believe that at this point she has lost all respect for me. Rather than try to place blame (there is plenty to go around), I have to just accept it for what it is. My issue is how to I earn her respect back. I am finally in a place where I am respecting myself again and am past the point of bargaining or begging. Occasionally I get to the point of tearing up during conversation but it lasts only seconds, there is no weeping.

 

Anyway we are in the same house, sleeping in the same bed. There is no sex at all. In fact, right now she cringes at the slightest touch. She says she's not sexually attracted to me anymore. As much as it hurts to hear that, I know that her lack of respect and her distrust of me is at the root of this. I believe that she is detached emotionally because she doesn't trust that I am sincere or that my efforts to make meaningful changes will last.

 

There also is the serious lack of respect. I am having a hard time expressing any of my own sincere thoughts to her because it sets her off. I am constantly trying to difuse her anger. Things over the last week or so have gotten a little better and it seems we can have conversations that don't end up with her yelling at me. So I think I have the opportunity now to open up and ask her to take a leap of faith and start doing the same.

 

Last week she told me that she was worried that she might never feel the same way for me again and asked what if we spend the next year working on this and she doesn't feel any different than she does now (not attracted to me, not "in love" with me)? I responded that it would really suck for both of us but that I am willing to put in the effort and take the chance. I told her that I love her and that I'm here forever but that if she's not willing to take the same risk, that she could file for divorce. I think it was the first time I was able to be open and confident and not plead or beg. I just stated my position that I'm here for the long haul, dedicated eternally to this marriage but that she has her own decision to make. We ended the conversation on that note and woke up in the morning and she said "I'm still here, in this."

 

Since then she has made an effort, but there is still a huge barrier between us. She is clear that she "loves me but is not in love" with me and there is absolutely no display of physical affection at all. What can I do to show her that I'm no threat to her and that it's safe to open up to me?

[mikeymad]

why has she lost respect? Have you identified what each of you can do to help this move forward, and made a plan? Playing it "by ear" will get you nowhere but back to your old routines...fast. What have you realized about yourself and what you must change? Forget about your wife for a minute. That is the biggest question, because if you figure that out, you're golden no matter what, because you can change your relationship by changing yourself first. When that happens, your wife will follow your lead.

 

stop having conversations. words are useless without action. Have you read "5 love languages"? It figures out how your wife likes to be showed she is loved. Another good one for people in the doghouse is "the languages of apology" by the same author. There are differing ways people accept or reject your apology based on what the believe proves to them you are sorry. Good ones. Get them, and dont sleep till you're finished with them.

 

Just remember, this won't be fixed overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day. Look at the grand canyon. There is no process that doesn't take time and repetition. Health, finances, love. These are universal laws you don't mess with.

Edited March 3, 2010 by mikeymad

[onedayatatyme]

Right now we're doing marriage counseling. Only been a few times. Things are very touch and go with her and it's hard getting her to commit to any firm plans for change. We've been to a marriage seminar, been on a few dates.

 

I have lots of problems and I am focussing huge attention on myself. Chief among them is me keeping her at arms length emotionally for much of our marriage by not showing her the respect she deserves. I ignored her emotional needs and have been an insensitive prick alot of times. I also bring home frustrations from work and take it out on the family. Not physically but I will have brief outbursts of verbal anger that (to them) seem to come out of nowhere. To me, I'm feeling anxious about something and thinking hard about it and any unwelcome interuption results in an innapropriate angry response. It's like they have interupted my thoughts and I get mad at them for being rude. I know that doesn't make sense, how can they read my mind? But those are big issues. I'm working on it all.

[mikeymad]

I had a colleague who had a problem separating professional and personal life. You gotta put solid yellow lines around that, like on the highway. When one thing is done IT DOES NOT PASS into the next.

 

He was working on PTC-present time consciousness. That means that whatever is in front of you is the most important thing and it has your full attention. You can be amazed at what you can accomplish that when you are at work, it's ONLY work. No thinking about errands, wife etc. When you get home, don't just run into the house. That's the "disaster hour" of transitioning from the stress of the day to home life. Take 5 minutes in your car, play some soothing music, and focus your mind on....nothing. Then flip the switch. You are now totally husband/family dude. Work stays at work. That is your job from that point on, household vice president. If you dont do it well, you will be fired

[tnttim]

Give me 2 weeks and she'll be wringing out her panties, IM if you're interested.

[onedayatatyme]

OK, you got my attention, guru.

[hopesndreams]

Give me 2 weeks and she'll be wringing out her panties, IM if you're interested.

 

How distasteful.

[hopesndreams]

My wife and I have been through a really rough time and we're working on reconciliation but it is tough. I believe that at this point she has lost all respect for me. Rather than try to place blame (there is plenty to go around), I have to just accept it for what it is. My issue is how to I earn her respect back. I am finally in a place where I am respecting myself again and am past the point of bargaining or begging. Occasionally I get to the point of tearing up during conversation but it lasts only seconds, there is no weeping.

 

Anyway we are in the same house, sleeping in the same bed. There is no sex at all. In fact, right now she cringes at the slightest touch. She says she's not sexually attracted to me anymore. As much as it hurts to hear that, I know that her lack of respect and her distrust of me is at the root of this. I believe that she is detached emotionally because she doesn't trust that I am sincere or that my efforts to make meaningful changes will last.

 

There also is the serious lack of respect. I am having a hard time expressing any of my own sincere thoughts to her because it sets her off. I am constantly trying to difuse her anger. Things over the last week or so have gotten a little better and it seems we can have conversations that don't end up with her yelling at me. So I think I have the opportunity now to open up and ask her to take a leap of faith and start doing the same.

 

Last week she told me that she was worried that she might never feel the same way for me again and asked what if we spend the next year working on this and she doesn't feel any different than she does now (not attracted to me, not "in love" with me)? I responded that it would really suck for both of us but that I am willing to put in the effort and take the chance. I told her that I love her and that I'm here forever but that if she's not willing to take the same risk, that she could file for divorce. I think it was the first time I was able to be open and confident and not plead or beg. I just stated my position that I'm here for the long haul, dedicated eternally to this marriage but that she has her own decision to make. We ended the conversation on that note and woke up in the morning and she said "I'm still here, in this."

 

Since then she has made an effort, but there is still a huge barrier between us. She is clear that she "loves me but is not in love" with me and there is absolutely no display of physical affection at all. What can I do to show her that I'm no threat to her and that it's safe to open up to me?

 

Have you investigated? Words like these, ILYBNILWY, 10/10 chance there is someone else and the fact that she will stick around a bit longer to see how things go, means you are her backup if things don't work out with the new guy.

[scatterd]

I hope that is not what I think it is.

[onedayatatyme]

What does "ILYBNILWY" mean???

 

She did have an affair. She says it's over and is here to make this marriage work, she's just not sure it will change for the better. Of course I'm keeping my eyes open.

[hopesndreams]

What does "ILYBNILWY" mean???

 

She did have an affair. She says it's over and is here to make this marriage work, she's just not sure it will change for the better. Of course I'm keeping my eyes open.

 

It means, I love you but not in love with you.

 

Sorry, I didn't read anywhere on your thread that she had an A. Is it really over or has she moved onto someone new?

[onedayatatyme]

You didn't overlook it, I didn't post it. I don't know for sure if it's over or not. I know that she's not hiding the things that she was and she's making a concerted effort to be available to me at all times. she picks up the phone every time I call or calls back within minutes.

 

She may not be emotionally over him. I don't know. She says there is nothing there. It may be a lie or wishful thinking.

[hopesndreams]

Sounds as though she has taken the A deep underground. Does the OM have a W?

 

You can't fight to save your M, or try to fix things, if that were even possible, unless you know who/what the enemy is.

 

Go through any and all of her belongings. You might just find something.

[onedayatatyme]

No, OM doesn't have a wife. He's a much younger man, a kid really. It may be underground and ongoing. No indication except her distance but of course I'm worried about that.

 

She's adamant that the A is not the cause of our problems. Out MC agrees, he says A's don't happen for no reason. There was already trouble in paradise. Makes sense. I'm keeping my eyes open, that's all I can do.

[hopesndreams]

A's happen because of pure selfishness on the part of the person having the A. She is showing no signs of remorse. Without remorse, complete transparency, begging for forgiveness and her giving 200% of herself, then what do you have? A cheater. Untrustworthy. Why subject yourself to more of the same? She will continue to justify her actions by making you take all the blame for what she has done. Instead of working on the problems in the M, she has chosen the cowards way out.

[tnttim]

Don't let anyone tell it's over, they know 1% of your life and are telling you what to do. You are an adult, you make the decision yourself.

 

Yes recons are rare, but they are not impossible.

 

I know how you feel, I wanted my wife back so bad it hurt. When I got her back, the hurt remained. It's been 3 months, and it still hurts like hell. I'm a man though and I think my way through life, not feel my way through it. So be careful what you wish for you just might get it.

[tnttim]

OK, you got my attention, guru.

 

I am far from a guru. If I was I could message you even though you have it turned off. Go to your profile and change settings to accept messages. I promise no sexting.

[Steadfast]

 

Give me 2 weeks and she'll be wringing out her panties, IM if you're interested...I'm no guru...

 

 

There is no magic formula, there is no surefire technique, there are no guarantees. You simply can't crawl inside someone else's head and makes decisions for them. Even if you could, you shouldn't. Each gets their own.

 

You will get solid support and advice here however, if you weed through it long enough. There are books to read and methods to implement that will help you recognize and understand your weaknesses, and if you follow through with enough self-discipline you will see changes. Usually, the biggest changes come from inside. Again, how your wife reacts to them is up to her. She's had an affair, she's come out and told you she isn't sexually attracted to you any longer. My question is; why do you want that? If you feel you're to blame for it, I understand, but people who _really_ love are not easily swayed by harsh words or actions. Stop looking at her as your wife and look at her as you would anyone else. Is that the kind of person you want in your life? Is that your ideal partner?

 

And Tim? How much longer until the next meltdown? When can we expect the next salvo of f-bombs generated at anyone who dares to doubt your infinite wisdom and success? Is this too boring? Needs some spicing up?

 

How much longer until the next heartfelt apology?

[floridapad]

 

 

And Tim? How much longer until the next meltdown? When can we expect the next salvo of f-bombs generated at anyone who dares to doubt your infinite wisdom and success? Is this too boring? Needs some spicing up?

 

How much longer until the next heartfelt apology?

 

Steadfast. I have tried to remain objective in all this back and forth with Tim but to be honest your beating a dead horse. We're here to help people and to be helped. People can sort through the advice themselves without you two grinding your axes. It seems as though you have single handedly spiced things up by bringing up old battles.

[Steadfast]

 

Steadfast. I have tried to remain objective in all this back and forth with Tim but to be honest your beating a dead horse. We're here to help people and to be helped. People can sort through the advice themselves without you two grinding your axes. It seems as though you have single handedly spiced things up by bringing up old battles.

 

 

When you're right, you're right Florida. You have my word; no battle, no back and forth. I've addressed this for the last time. Thanks for the nudge-

[2sure]

When I read your first post on this thread...I thought you sounded just like my H. I love him but have lost respect for him. I'm not sure if there is anything he can do to change that, and that lack of respect - although not blatant, undermines/changes ...not just how I feel about him but also about myself.

 

But anyway, your situation is different than mine. My H cheated on me. The way he cheated on me did not make me feel like less, did not make me feel inadequate. It made me feel HE was less.

 

I guess I'm thinking here that it makes a difference. It sounds as though in this crisis...your wife cheated, yet you make it sound as though SHE is the victim, you are the one pleading for forgiveness. This is twisted. Now, of course infidelity leaves both partners in the marriage victims. Infidelity can be the results of mistakes both partners made. But look, snapping at your family when you get home from work, being a prick...does not cause infidelity.

 

Regardless... like I said, my H cheated on me. When he cries and is emotional now that he has lost so much of me...it makes me feel like...what a fool he is. But you ARE in part the victim here...you have to stop acting like the betrayer.

 

So, she is confused. She may not know what she wants. She lost respect for you?? How about you lost respect for her?? How about she stops being the martyr here? She had feelings for this OM. she needs to realize that the choosing here is not just up to her.

[onedayatatyme]

tnttim, do I ahve to be a premium subscriber for that? I don't see it.

[onedayatatyme]

Steadfast, if I look at her as I would anybody else, hell no, I wouldn't want her in my life. If we were just dating, without kids and comittements, I would be running for the hills.

 

But as you said yourself, people who really love are not swayed by harsh words or actions. Her words are harsh as hell. I may be in denial but I'm taking half of what she says with a grain of salt. For one thing, alot of what she says makes no sense at all.

 

For instance, she says she doesn't know if she ever really loved me and that looking back, she realizes she's been miserable since the day we met. Bull****. I was there too. We were not always miserable. She did truly love me. She was head over heals for me in fact, told me that the instant she saw me it was love at first sight and she knew she would marry me. She chased me like crazy in the beginning. And that message was constant up until about 6 months ago.

 

So now that I've convinved myself that she's either lying to herself or saying hurtful things intentionally, I have to ask myself why she would do that. Maybe it eases her guilt over the A if she can convince herself that our relationship was always broken. Maybe she doesn't have to face up to what she's done if she "knows" that we were doomed from the start. Maybe she's trying to convince herself that I'm the bad guy. Maybe that's why she's picking fights and leveling an endless stream of criticism at me. Even our MC tells me she's confused.

[onedayatatyme]

2sure,

 

You sound like someone I can get some really good insight from. For one thing you are hitting the nail on the head. The truth is that I lost lots of respect for my wife a long time ago. She is immature and impulsive. She has very little ability to empathize or admit her own faults. But at the same time she is insecure to the extreme. She seeks other people's approval endlessly. Wants the big house, nice car, flashy clothes in an attempt to one up the Jones's. In this case, the Jones's happen to be her mother and her two older sisters.

 

Me and the two husbands of the sisters shake our heads constantly at how competitive these girls are. Anyway, my wife has done alot of dumb stuff through the course of our marriage and I don't hold my tounge telling her it's stupid. I have never verbally beaten her down for my own satisfaction, but when somebody runs up $12k in credit debt and doesn't tell her husband, she is going to get an ass chewing. Her ego is sooooo fragile that that she can't take it.

 

If there is one huge difference between the two of us, it is our level of self-confidence. She has very little and I have plenty for both of us. For this reason, I am completely comfortable appologizing when I am an a-hole. On the other hand, I am completely flabergasted when she happens to say "I'm sorry"... it's just so rare.

 

So we have gotten into a pattern, unfortunately, where I tend to appologize for things that really aren't my fault or at least aren't all my fault. So now, while I'm not appologizing for the affair, I have appologized for all the things I did to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship before hand. And I am man enough to freely admit that I could have done lots of things better. She told me for years the little things that I could have done to show my love and I did very little of it. If you're familiar with the concept of the 5 love languages, I just wasn't speaking her language. I thought I was showing her I loved her in plenty of ways, they just weren't HER way.

 

Anyway, constant appologizing has morphed into me bending over backward and trying to appease her. Voila, loss of respect.

[2sunny]

2sure,

 

You sound like someone I can get some really good insight from. For one thing you are hitting the nail on the head. The truth is that I lost lots of respect for my wife a long time ago. She is immature and impulsive. She has very little ability to empathize or admit her own faults. But at the same time she is insecure to the extreme. She seeks other people's approval endlessly. Wants the big house, nice car, flashy clothes in an attempt to one up the Jones's. In this case, the Jones's happen to be her mother and her two older sisters.

 

Me and the two husbands of the sisters shake our heads constantly at how competitive these girls are. Anyway, my wife has done alot of dumb stuff through the course of our marriage and I don't hold my tounge telling her it's stupid. I have never verbally beaten her down for my own satisfaction, but when somebody runs up $12k in credit debt and doesn't tell her husband, she is going to get an ass chewing. Her ego is sooooo fragile that that she can't take it.

 

If there is one huge difference between the two of us, it is our level of self-confidence. She has very little and I have plenty for both of us. For this reason, I am completely comfortable appologizing when I am an a-hole. On the other hand, I am completely flabergasted when she happens to say "I'm sorry"... it's just so rare.

 

So we have gotten into a pattern, unfortunately, where I tend to appologize for things that really aren't my fault or at least aren't all my fault. So now, while I'm not appologizing for the affair, I have appologized for all the things I did to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship before hand. And I am man enough to freely admit that I could have done lots of things better. She told me for years the little things that I could have done to show my love and I did very little of it. If you're familiar with the concept of the 5 love languages, I just wasn't speaking her language. I thought I was showing her I loved her in plenty of ways, they just weren't HER way.

 

Anyway, constant appologizing has morphed into me bending over backward and trying to appease her. Voila, loss of respect.

 

try doing the opposite of what you would normally do. this will make her a bit uncomfortable and force some change... which is good.

 

she needs to be the one making the effort for your M to recover. if she's not showing effort and willingness - she's road blocking the progress and/or has no true desire to make it work.