how to I move reconciliation forward?

[onedayatatyme]

2sure,

 

One more thought (I think we might be having a breakthrough!). While I have lost repsect for my wife over the years, it did not change the way I felt about myself. In most ways she was a great wife and mother. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed the security of our relationship. And while there were things I didn't respect about her, I did love her and was able to accept her warts and all. And in a weird way, I relished my role as protector and guardian of this woman who NEEDED me to steer her in the right direction.

 

I guess part of me is still trying to do that for her, keep her from flushing her life down the crapper. I know that sounds arrogant, she will one day be fine without me. In the near term, she will be in a world of hurt.

 

I don't live in a no-fault divorce state. If I file for D with the A as the cause, she is very likely to lose custody of the kids. I have documented everything and she has not only neglected me but blatantly neglected the kids while the A was going on. She has zero earning potential, she is a full time student who has never had a real job. So without child support, a degree, or work experience she is going to go from the high life to living off of her half of our assets as long as she can. Based on her past behavior with the credit cards and her need to keep up with the Jones's, I predict she'll be broke in 6 months.

 

The last two paragraphs have been a tangent, this is not my real motivation for saving this marriage. I take my wedding vows seriously. When I look at our two girls, I think about what I want them to learn about marriage. I know they're watching us to see what marriage is. Certainly I don't want them to learn that the current status quo is the way it should be. But it hasn't always been like this. I also don't want them to be kids of a broken home if it can be helped. I want them to grow up in a loving, secure, stable home if we can get back to that.

 

Right now the MC has recognized that neither of us trusts the other. He says we need to rebuild the trust as a foundation of the relationship. Without trust, there cannot be any romantic feelings. Makes perfect sense. So I am bending over backward to rebuild her trust in me. I also recognize that I need to start doing something to rebuild her respect for me.

 

For one thing, I've stopped all the crying and bargaining. I've told her that if she wants a D, go file for it. I'm not standing in the way. She wants to go to a mediator together to negotiate. I told her forget it. That only benefits her. I told her that she can go get her own lawyer and I'll get mine. She's the one leaving the family and if she follows through with that decision, I'll be thinking only of what's best for the rest of the family she's leaving behind (the girls and I). So that it didn't sound like a dare, I made sure to tell her that I wanted to work it out and that I was here as long as it takes to fix things. That's my decision, now she needs to make hers.

 

She woke up the next morning and gave me a hug and said "I'm still here, I'm still in this". It's way short of saying she loves me but maybe it's a little down the path to respect. Of course it comes and goes, this morning she treated me like dirt. Not with anything she said but with the tone of her voice and her body language. I'm trying not to be too sensitive to that stuff.

[onedayatatyme]

try doing the opposite of what you would normally do. this will make her a bit uncomfortable and force some change... which is good.

 

she needs to be the one making the effort for your M to recover. if she's not showing effort and willingness - she's road blocking the progress and/or has no true desire to make it work.

 

Agreed, but I would say that we both need to be putting in 100%. I can't tell her to do all the work while I sit back and relax. There is lots of work to be done by both of us. I know it will be slow and painful. Right now I feel like she's doing very little.

[onedayatatyme]

she's road blocking the progress and/or has no true desire to make it work.

 

what is roadblocking?

[floridapad]

2sure,

 

 

She woke up the next morning and gave me a hug and said "I'm still here, I'm still in this". It's way short of saying she loves me but maybe it's a little down the path to respect. Of course it comes and goes, this morning she treated me like dirt. Not with anything she said but with the tone of her voice and her body language. I'm trying not to be too sensitive to that stuff.

 

Actually it's probably better that she didn't say she had an epiphany and said she was in love with you. It would have seemed fake. She is on a roller coaster. Do not listen to her words but watch her actions. She is still confused with herself and will be waffling.

 

As for you. As they say, you can only control yourself. Be strong but not an ahole. Recognize your faults in the marriage and work on them. Work on yourself. The old 180's. Whatever you do don't push her right now. She will run. Avoid relationship talk unless she brings it up. Good luck

[Steadfast]

 

I don't live in a no-fault divorce state. If I file for D with the A as the cause, she is very likely to lose custody of the kids. I have documented everything and she has not only neglected me but blatantly neglected the kids while the A was going on.

 

 

Most in affairs do, sadly. The fog is thick and changes people.

 

I read what you said about taking marriage vows seriously. Again, most of us (the ones left, neglected or cheated on) do. But in honesty, that contract was broken when she had sex with someone else. Not in the eyes of the state perhaps, but your marriage as you knew it was over then.

 

...or sometime before that. When she made the decision. It's tough.

 

After taking everything you've written into account, I'd say you are doing the right thing. If you love her and your desire to stay married is stronger than the distrust and loss of respect you feel for her, then keep trying. What's a few more weeks, a few more months in the grand scheme of things?

 

It doesn't matter anymore, but I will share on the day of my final court date I let everyone there go ahead of me (the hall was FULL of people) and for 3-1/2 hours I looked at the entrance doors waiting for my wife of 17 years to come through. She knew the day, date and location. She even took the day off of work! I waited...and waited...until I was the last person outside the judge's office. When they called me in, the judge looked at me and said (sympathetically) "I don't think she's going to show". Then she hugged me. I was sworn in and 10-minutes later my divorce was final.

 

The point? When I lay my head down at night, I can sleep easy knowing I did everything in my power to make it work. Above and beyond, and all that. Now, I have a woman in my life that loves ME for ME. No games, no ultimatums, no heartache. She hugs me, kisses me and says "I love you" not "I love you too". So, fight. But know when it's time to pull the cord.

 

Something tells me that you do.

[onedayatatyme]

Steadfast, thanks for those words. This is tough and alot Of it is about knowing at the end that I did everything I could. A few more months is nothing in the grand scheme.

[JustJoe]

Wait a minute! SHE cheated, and you are the one on your knees, begging forgiveness? Dude, Dude,If you don't see what's wrong with this picture, nobody can tell you. I'm sorry, but you are a weakling, does she have any other pets, beside you? You need to cowboy-up in a big way. Nothing good will happen to you if you are constantly the loser, here. Love is not slavery. Free yourself.

[2sunny]

road blocking? it means she is standing in the way of things getting better - and she's doing this on purpose because she sees that you are a wussy who will take the blame and make more effort... leaving her in the cushy position to do nothing - except whatever SHE wants.

 

throw her out and change the locks. leave her with no way to get money or use credit cards - then see how willing she may become. i'm dead serious when i say this.

[JustJoe]

road blocking? it means she is standing in the way of things getting better - and she's doing this on purpose because she sees that you are a wussy who will take the blame and make more effort... leaving her in the cushy position to do nothing - except whatever SHE wants.

 

throw her out and change the locks. leave her with no way to get money or use credit cards - then see how willing she may become. i'm dead serious when i say this.

I agree with this completely.

[onedayatatyme]

I've already looked into changing the locks. I can't legally and she knows it. All she has to do is call the sheriff and I have to let her in. It's her house too.

 

I do have a few treads going so I'm not sure if I made it clear in this one or not but I'm not begging for anything. I'm way past that. Imtelling ber if she wants a D, go ahead and file.

[2sunny]

I've already looked into changing the locks. I can't legally and she knows it. All she has to do is call the sheriff and I have to let her in. It's her house too.

 

I do have a few treads going so I'm not sure if I made it clear in this one or not but I'm not begging for anything. I'm way past that. Imtelling ber if she wants a D, go ahead and file.

 

why not take solid action and file yourself? why are you giving her all the power?

 

filing sends a message that you're not happy with the way things are and may force some change in her actions. if nothing changes - nothing changes. get some change going on!

[JustJoe]

Dude, this is your marriage, too. You need to take back some of the power that you have surrendered to her, for your own self-respect.

[Gunny376]

In so your arguing, fighting, having words? There's a chance. A small and slim one, but a chance of recon.

 

The time to file for divorce, and too many jump the gun in doing so? Is when both of you have reached the point of "in-difference" as in "Frankly My Dear I could give a damn!"

 

Reconciliations happen all of the time, its just most don't recognize them as such. That's because the old relationship ~ aka marriage is dead and gone ~ and a phoneix arises from the ashes of the old one?

 

How many people do you know that fought like cats and dogs while married, get divorced, get back together and 'live together' and get along just fine? Plenty I bet.

 

I know that I do.

 

I had a buddy of mine in the Marines that was on the drill field. As it so happened we were neighbors in base housing. Everyday when he came home he would take his Marine DI 'Smokey' cover (hat) and hang it on a nail in the garage.

 

These things are made of felt, and are a pain to maintain. Most of us had 'presses' to keep them as they're suppose to be. We keep them away from humidity, rain, moisture etc.

 

Uniform regulations don't allow us to wear plastic protection such as the state troopers and Army Drill Sergeants wear.

 

We get issued two out of DI school, and after that? Its $75 out of pocket!

 

So I asked him, "Man what are you doing hanging your "hat" in the garage? Are you freaking nuts!"

 

He told me, "I don't walk in that back door to my wife and family with all that crap from the Depot, (Marine Corps Recruit Depot, Parris Island, South Carolina). I leave it hanging it out here on the nail!"

 

One of the things I would seriously suggest you look into personally?

 

Are you living to work? Or are you working to live.

 

You mentioned that the wife is in some competition with the DMIL (Dear Mother In Law) and DSIL (Dear Sisters in Law)

 

I witnessed this more than I can stand up and testify in a month of Sunday's here in the deep South.

 

People living beyond their means, buying more car than they can afford, more houses than than can afford.

 

A co-worker who just worked his butt off working two jobs to pay for a $25,000 wedding for his oldest daughter.

 

The thanks he gets at age 57?

 

She's defaulted on a $160,000 student loan, the collectors are calling and they want their money! He and the wife are on the hook because they co-signed.

 

Get this! She went to a state school!

 

Not only is he on the hook but the DGM (Dear Grandmother) is on the hook, and they're all are looking at losing their homes, their cars, and any and everything that they've worked all of their lives for.

 

I leave you with these words!

 

"Try, Try Again! Then Quit!

 

No use in making a damn fool out of yourself!"

[tnttim]

You see in the top right where it says welcome, onedayatatyme, under that click private messages, a new page opens and on the left is a list of links, you should see "settings and options" click edit options under there. Go to "private messaging" and tick "enable private messaging"

 

By the way, I see no problem or fault in you fighting for family. In fact that is what your supposed to do. I would take a bullet for my kids.

[2sure]

2sure,

 

And in a weird way, I relished my role as protector and guardian of this woman who NEEDED me to steer her in the right direction.

 

Again, our circumstances are very similar...just kind of opposite. You are the supervisor in your relationship. And thats OK, it isnt uncommon. It can benefit both and work as long as both are comfortable in their position. In my marriage, my H was the supervisor. He wanted to "take care" of me. I am notoriously unorganized about money, not so much spending it but keeping it straight. Also, his particular career requires a good deal of family support, which I came through with in spades. I always worked, its just that he was the real bread winner.

 

Initially when he began cheating and I didnt know...he started questioning and complaining about my spending. So, I told him here - take my paycheck, give me an allowance, whatever works for you. But then he would not take my money OR let me pay bills. He just wanted to complain. Turns out he is cheating, in MC he brings up the money thing.

 

It was just something for him to have , to help justify the betrayal. But I tried to comply & understand.

 

He continued cheating and I found out a few months ago. I have since stopped being supportive of his career and focused on mine. This hurts his career and although I'm, sorry for that - Ive got to take care of myself (which is something I always could have done anyway). The writing is pretty much on the wall for us...but it wasnt until I pulled away completely , tossed MC aside, and said " NO. This is not my fault. You have issues, you are insecure, whatever. NOT MY PROBLEM " that he realized what he had to lose and that it wasnt worth it and had his own epiphany.

[onedayatatyme]

2Sure,

 

In an earlier post, you said that me appologizing was twisted. Yes, it was. But I think it's much the same as what you said you were initially doing in MC where your husband was complaining about money and you were trying to accomodate him.

 

I don't know if it was the same for you but I went through a period where I was so confused that I was convinced that I WAS the problem. I was bargaining and bending over backward to fix the things that she said I had done to drive her away. I think she was gaslighting and I fell for it. But since then lots of things have been said to break me out of that confusion. I'm a pretty rational and logical guy most of the time and eventually it became pretty clear that she was throwing stuff at me to blame me for the current state of affairs. I would address one big complaint and her focus would shift to something else I had done wrong. One and on it went.

 

Eventually the MC asked her "What can "Oneday" do to make things better". She said there was nothing I could do. A big light went on then. I'm off the hook. These problems are in her head. There is nothing I can do to make her happy. A few days later I asked her if she recognized that I was making all the changes she asked for. She said that she did and she was even mad at me for that. She was mad because months ago (before the affair) I should have listened to her and made the changes then. I can't win for losing. So I am starting to detach.

 

I have found my backbone again. It's hard to find the right balance because before I really could be overbearing. I am actually a much stronger personality than she is and I can easily dominate her when I just don't give a crap. The problem is that I really do give a crap so I'm trying to find the right balance between being overbearing and being a spineless worm. I think she is standing in the way of that too. I believe that I have found within myself the ability to be firm but be calm and considerate at the same time. But right now she is so hard to get through to that communication is difficult. She is so emotional and so angry much of the time that I have to make a choice to either start yelling too (makes things much worse) or just shut up and give up on communication at that moment.

[2sure]

2Sure,

 

 

I don't know if it was the same for you but I went through a period where I was so confused that I was convinced that I WAS the problem. I was bargaining and bending over backward to fix the things that she said I had done to drive her away.

 

Yes, the same. In fact, when I felt as if I were in part to blame...when I felt as if this was something I could fix....I had hope.

[LonelyTiger]

You see in the top right where it says welcome, onedayatatyme, under that click private messages, a new page opens and on the left is a list of links, you should see "settings and options" click edit options under there. Go to "private messaging" and tick "enable private messaging"

 

 

I don't think it's possible to PM until you have at least 100 posts.

[onedayatatyme]

2Sure,

 

 

I don't know if it was the same for you but I went through a period where I was so confused that I was convinced that I WAS the problem. I was bargaining and bending over backward to fix the things that she said I had done to drive her away.

 

Yes, the same. In fact, when I felt as if I were in part to blame...when I felt as if this was something I could fix....I had hope.

 

Amen, I am at that point. I continue to work on myself but hope is waning. Right now it's a waiting game. Waiting to see if she gets her head out of her butt. And doing some serious soul searching on how long I think I can wait for that. I deserve a lover and a friend. Not a roommate for whom I have to pay all the rent (and privante university tuition). Needless to say, she stands to lose ALOT when my patience runs out.

 

I've already told her that we need to come to some agreements before she registers for next semester's classes. She changed the subject. I obliged and let her change it with the understanding that we needed to talk sometime before she registers for classes.

[tnttim]

Would you treat a new relationship like you currently are with your W? IMO when you realize that you have to start fresh with her the better off you and her will be.

[bestplayer]

 

Amen, I am at that point. I continue to work on myself but hope is waning. Right now it's a waiting game. Waiting to see if she gets her head out of her butt. And doing some serious soul searching on how long I think I can wait for that. I deserve a lover and a friend. Not a roommate for whom I have to pay all the rent (and privante university tuition). Needless to say, she stands to lose ALOT when my patience runs out.

 

I've already told her that we need to come to some agreements before she registers for next semester's classes. She changed the subject. I obliged and let her change it with the understanding that we needed to talk sometime before she registers for classes.

 

onedayatatyme , sorry if i have missed something , but why she is behaving as if u were having an affair.? I agree u should admit ur mistakes but have u confronted her about her actions ? how does she justify it ?

[onedayatatyme]

 

onedayatatyme , sorry if i have missed something , but why she is behaving as if u were having an affair.? I agree u should admit ur mistakes but have u confronted her about her actions ? how does she justify it ?

 

She deflects. Of course it's all my fault for making her life miserable. She had an affair because she had already decided she didn't love me and was leaving the marriage. And of course her falling out of love with me was my fault. Couldn't be the incredible stress in our lives over the last year or simply the fact that she's been eating crackers for 10 years and she's just tired of crackers.

[2sunny]

 

She deflects. Of course it's all my fault for making her life miserable. She had an affair because she had already decided she didn't love me and was leaving the marriage. And of course her falling out of love with me was my fault. Couldn't be the incredible stress in our lives over the last year or simply the fact that she's been eating crackers for 10 years and she's just tired of crackers.

 

deflection shows guilt - or lack of willingness to admit fault. if she's unwilling to admit fault or her truth - there is no where to go with it all. she purposely leaves you stuck with her anger and bitterness that SHOULD be directed at HERSELF.

 

she could have divorced before cheating. for her to say it was justified cheating is so wrong... she cheated - bottom line.

 

what you do about her cheating is what will make things different. so, what are you going to do about it? you planning to take the blame for her or are you going to call a spade a spade and make her own her bad behavior like she should have in the beginning?

 

the more you ALLOW her to treat you like crap - the more crap she will dump on you. tell her you're not going to take that from her anymore.