Was it just meaningless pillowtalk?

[mishy]

He wouldn't care if i stopped seeing him would he?

[whichwayisup]

Probably not. Maybe his ego would be hurt, but he'd move on and find another girl who will just give him sex and use her like he's been using you.

 

I am sorry to say that. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but the reality is, he isn't your friend. A friend with benefits don't treat the person they're having sex with so crappy. Also, you put expectations on him, ones that he'll never meet.

 

End it and learn not to care about him. He doesn't care about you Mishy. If he did, he wouldn't be continuing to treat you like crap!

 

Please, consider therapy. It can help you so much.

[mishy]

Probably not. Maybe his ego would be hurt, but he'd move on and find another girl who will just give him sex and use her like he's been using you.

 

I am sorry to say that. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but the reality is, he isn't your friend. A friend with benefits don't treat the person they're having sex with so crappy. Also, you put expectations on him, ones that he'll never meet.

 

End it and learn not to care about him. He doesn't care about you Mishy. If he did, he wouldn't be continuing to treat you like crap!

 

Please, consider therapy. It can help you so much.

 

But How do i end it?

 

Do i say its over?

 

What do i do?

 

What do i say?

[whichwayisup]

Just stop calling him. Completely. And if/when he calls you next, tell him you don't want to see or talk to him anymore. Say goodbye and hang up the phone. You don't owe him ANYTHING, let alone an explanation.

 

But, this will only work if you want this rollercoaster ride to end forever.

[ADF]

I seriously don't know HOW to stop.

 

Yes everytime i have pushed for more (and honestly my version of more is just a movie, things that friends do) I ask very little, and as time has gone on he has given me less and less. When i asked him to a movie he freaked and wouldnt see me for 3 months.

 

Can you tell me how to stop this whole thing?

 

*Sigh* You stop it by telling this guy you're not his personal effing whore, you're sick of being treated like a sex android, you tell him he's an *******, you tell him to leave you the hell alone and never contact you again--stuff like that. Then--and this is the critical part--YOU STAND YOUR GROUND. If you can't (or won't) do that last part, you sort of deserve whatever you get.

[whichwayisup]

And after you end it, you call a good friend, or go be with your family. Go on a holiday if you can to get a break, a fresh change of scenery. And, as I've mentioned twice now, you get therapy to help you cope better.

 

You are addicted to this guy and he's become a bad habit which you need to break.

 

Mishy, can ask how old you are?

[spiderowl]

I think it was meaningless. Don't waste your time thinking anything more will come of this. He's been with you two years and still won't take you out in public. The man is a creep, if you ask me. He is keeping it strictly to f-buddies, so if you are not happy with that you should think about getting out. You could be having a good relationship with someone who cared about you, contacted you often and not just for sex, and was proud to take you out in public and treat you. Accepting an f-buddies relationship probably lowered your status in his eyes and he won't be interested in a woman of lower status than himself. (This isn't to say you are any less than him at all, I am talking about his perception which really isn't worth bothering about.) I don't think he's worth your time and trouble but the only way you'll raise your status with him is to stop being his f-buddy and go and find something better. You could tell him you're 'past that stage' and now looking for a committed, grown-up relationship. Don't hang around as if you are expecting him to provide it, just assume he won't. He'll be a bit surprised, to say the least!

 

Judging by the severe freaking out if you suggest going out anywhere, I suspect he is hiding something - a wife or long-term partner maybe? Just what do you know about his 'other life'?

Edited March 13, 2010 by spiderowl
re-read earlier posts

[mishy]

And after you end it, you call a good friend, or go be with your family. Go on a holiday if you can to get a break, a fresh change of scenery. And, as I've mentioned twice now, you get therapy to help you cope better.

 

You are addicted to this guy and he's become a bad habit which you need to break.

 

Mishy, can ask how old you are?

 

I am in my 30s

 

I dont have any family

[mishy]

I think it was meaningless. Don't waste your time thinking anything more will come of this. He's been with you two years and still won't take you out in public. The man is a creep, if you ask me. He is keeping it strictly to f-buddies, so if you are not happy with that you should think about getting out. You could be having a good relationship with someone who cared about you, contacted you often and not just for sex, and was proud to take you out in public and treat you. Accepting an f-buddies relationship probably lowered your status in his eyes and he won't be interested in a woman of lower status than himself. (This isn't to say you are any less than him at all, I am talking about his perception which really isn't worth bothering about.) I don't think he's worth your time and trouble but the only way you'll raise your status with him is to stop being his f-buddy and go and find something better. You could tell him you're 'past that stage' and now looking for a committed, grown-up relationship. Don't hang around as if you are expecting him to provide it, just assume he won't. He'll be a bit surprised, to say the least!

 

Judging by the severe freaking out if you suggest going out anywhere, I suspect he is hiding something - a wife or long-term partner maybe? Just what do you know about his 'other life'?

 

Thats what really upsets me is that he wont go anywhere with me because he thinks it will "mean Something"

 

he isnt married or with a partner, it isnt anything like that.

As for status- what he is doing is no better than me, its just that its a double standard.

[mishy]

*Sigh* You stop it by telling this guy you're not his personal effing whore, you're sick of being treated like a sex android, you tell him he's an *******, you tell him to leave you the hell alone and never contact you again--stuff like that. Then--and this is the critical part--YOU STAND YOUR GROUND. If you can't (or won't) do that last part, you sort of deserve whatever you get.

 

 

I dont think i am going to say anything

 

i think i will just disappear

[spiderowl]

I think this relationship has affected your self-esteem. You feel embarassed that you let this go on, but presumably you had your reasons and they were valid at the time. Don't let anyone tell you that what you did was stupid or that you deserve to be treated like that. They were not walking in your shoes. I think you are a strong and generous person who got into this situation and then found it was eroding your self-respect, especially when it didn't go anywhere. As a result, you are feeling demoralised and unworthy of respect. You are a kind, loving person who has so much to offer another man. You will find your sense of self-respect again and show him and others what a powerful character you are. Once you have turned him out and got over the inevitable feelings of loss that will follow, you will recover and be stronger and wiser. You will find doors opening and opportunities to meet interesting people appearing. It's amazing the effect a change in the inner state can have. Good luck!

[mishy]

I think this relationship has affected your self-esteem. You feel embarassed that you let this go on, but presumably you had your reasons and they were valid at the time. Don't let anyone tell you that what you did was stupid or that you deserve to be treated like that. They were not walking in your shoes. I think you are a strong and generous person who got into this situation and then found it was eroding your self-respect, especially when it didn't go anywhere. As a result, you are feeling demoralised and unworthy of respect. You are a kind, loving person who has so much to offer another man. You will find your sense of self-respect again and show him and others what a powerful character you are. Once you have turned him out and got over the inevitable feelings of loss that will follow, you will recover and be stronger and wiser. You will find doors opening and opportunities to meet interesting people appearing. It's amazing the effect a change in the inner state can have. Good luck!

 

this is EXACTLY how i feel

 

and a lot of it is frustration that he wont get close to me or see how good i am

[SadandConfusedWA]

UGH mishy, PM me his e-mail and I will gladly end it for you

[mishy]

UGH mishy, PM me his e-mail and I will gladly end it for you

 

 

LOL really?

 

ok

 

what would you say?

[ADF]

I dont think i am going to say anything

 

i think i will just disappear

 

No, no, no, no, NO!. Just disappearing is the ultimate act of cowardice. Do that and he will have every right to call you a cowardly, passive-aggressive, worthless peice of trash. Every right. Because that's what you'll be.

 

What the hell is with people and this "I'll just disappear" nonsense? At any level of society, that kind of behavior is rightly recognized as the worst sort of centempt. In polite society, the call it a "snub" and regard it as the height of discourtesy; in a prison yard, that kind of behavior will get you killed. GROW A SPINE. Don't be a pathetic, weak-ass coward.

[whichwayisup]

Mishy, the difference is, you have feelings. Maybe you aren't inlove with him, but you are emotionally attached to him. He knows this and wants nothing to do with that aspect of the FWB situation. He isn't attached to you, if he had any respect and care for you, he wouldn't be treating you this way. He's in it JUST FOR THE SEX. He has separated his feelings, maybe he had them at some point, but he figures why bother putting any effort in since you give him what he wants all the time.

 

This whole situation is not healthy for you.

[whichwayisup]

this is EXACTLY how i feel

 

and a lot of it is frustration that he wont get close to me or see how good i am

 

Mishy, what you aren't getting here is, he isn't interested in you that way. He just wants sex. He doesn't care enough to get to know you on another level. You hope and expect that he'll change, that he'll pay more attention to you, treat you like a girlfriend. HE WON'T..Ever. The sooner you see what an ass this guy is, the better off you will be.

 

Question is, are you ready to walk away so you can begin to heal?

[mishy]

No, no, no, no, NO!. Just disappearing is the ultimate act of cowardice. Do that and he will have every right to call you a cowardly, passive-aggressive, worthless peice of trash. Every right. Because that's what you'll be.

 

What the hell is with people and this "I'll just disappear" nonsense? At any level of society, that kind of behavior is rightly recognized as the worst sort of centempt. In polite society, the call it a "snub" and regard it as the height of discourtesy; in a prison yard, that kind of behavior will get you killed. GROW A SPINE. Don't be a pathetic, weak-ass coward.

 

 

well if he doesnt care about me what does it matter whether i announce its over or not?

[ADF]

well if he doesnt care about me what does it matter whether i announce its over or not?

 

It matters because people who just disappear do it for one reason and one reason only: to make things as easy as possible on themselves. They are people with no regard whatsoever for normal human decency. Okay, maybe this guys isn't the most deserving. But don't get into the habit of feeding your urge to run and hide from difficult situations. That is the best path to beoming a really rotten person, which I don't you are, or want to be.

[mishy]

It matters because people who just disappear do it for one reason and one reason only: to make things as easy as possible on themselves. They are people with no regard whatsoever for normal human decency. Okay, maybe this guys isn't the most deserving. But don't get into the habit of feeding your urge to run and hide from difficult situations. That is the best path to beoming a really rotten person, which I don't you are, or want to be.

 

i am actually a really confrontational person. And sometimes to my detriment

 

So disappearing is very unlike my normal character.

[ADF]

i am actually a really confrontational person. And sometimes to my detriment

 

So disappearing is very unlike my normal character.

 

Well, mishy, it sounds to me like you've made up your mind to do what you want to do regardless of what anyone says. Okay. All I can do is say what I think. My opinion is yours to take or leave, of course.

[mishy]

Well, mishy, it sounds to me like you've made up your mind to do what you want to do regardless of what anyone says. Okay. All I can do is say what I think. My opinion is yours to take or leave, of course.

 

i think that if i kicked and screamed and told him off it would probably only show i care, and inflate his ego.

[whichwayisup]

Mishy, I hope you've come to a decision about walking away from this guy.

 

NO GOOD can come of you and him being together anymore. Maybe a while ago it was okay but now it's become an unhealthy situation and it's doing alot of damage to you.

 

Post an update soon.

[Sam_I_Am]

i think that if i kicked and screamed and told him off it would probably only show i care, and inflate his ego.

 

I just sat here for almost 2 hours reading your posts from the beginning and all I can say is wow....It was the same guy all along? What a Duschebag.

[Mary3]

Mishy , I tried to respond to this 2 days ago but my puter was buggy and I had to get some things done to it...

 

Mish : his brain is not like your brain. His brain is filled with how hard his ___ is and how to get relief.

There are only a few choices of relief. His hand or a woman. If there is no woman available he will use his hand. But there you are and so he is sexxing you because you are available.

 

There are some men who are romantics and like falling in love and courting and worshipping the women. He makes love to her and he holds her afterward. They make plans together. They enjoy being together. He makes a choice of some kind of committment. There you have a real relationship.

 

Alot of women are biologically programmed to feel love and attachment after they sleep with / have sex with a man. Because our brains are A and their brains are B , we don't quite think the same.

 

A man can have sex with someone and NOT love them. He can lie or promise things to get the end result : sex. Thats the reality.

 

My best piece of advice : STOP being available when he calls. Try and make a life outside of him. The reason you might be pining by the phone is because you are not looking OUTSIDE of the BOX.

 

If you have few friends or family members , JOIN SOMETHING. ANYTHING ! Do you like to hike ? Swim ? Do crafts ? You have the internet ? You are on here so obviously you do. Go to Google and find things you ENJOY.. RUN after those things for now. One day you won't need it as much as you need to get out of the house ...NOW.

 

Tips : Dont answer when he calls.

Change your phone number.

Don't answer his emails

Get off his Facebook or whatever sites..

 

ONCE you wean yourself from him you will feel STRONG !

 

Do it for your own sanity....Stop the hurting...

 

Mish , this happened to me. I know you can do this !