He finally sent the email breaking NC after 13 weeks

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Tamia -

 

Of course you are right. I had a total crying meltdown after I posted the note below, because yet again I hoped and yet again his passive aggressive self let me down. At this point I know he will be back - and I am focussing nearly 100% of my effort on preparing myself to say no more when that happens. I can't guarantee I'll be successful, but my G-d I'm going to try!

 

I did give him my heart and my soul - and the truth is we should never have gotten involved. We should have become friends and stayed there, because my biggest issue at this point is that I lost one of the only people I've ever met who actually enjoys doing so many of the things I enjoy. Oh well hindsight is 20/20.

 

The one thing I know at this point is that he might believe all the stuff he's been writing to me, they are in reality all lies. He doesn't love me, he cannot love me - and he didn't really believe we'd be together forever because we never really were together fully.

 

I hope it takes him a very long time to get back in touch, so I can get myself ready to say no.

 

And btw never apologize for such a long post, at least not when it is so sweet and so helpful.

 

Thank you

[threebyfate]

Spoke with his friend, he is fine just choosing not to respond. Yup I'm back to where I was December 1st. How he feels good about this.

You don't know how he feels. No one knows how he feels but him. You do know that he chooses to use withdrawal as a form of passive-aggressive punishment, which is why it's best to always leave the ball in his court. He makes these mini-moves, when you stiffen your spine and let HIM sweat it out.

[Tamia78]

I did give him my heart and my soul - and the truth is we should never have gotten involved. We should have become friends and stayed there, because my biggest issue at this point is that I lost one of the only people I've ever met who actually enjoys doing so many of the things I enjoy. Oh well hindsight is 20/20.

 

The one thing I know at this point is that he might believe all the stuff he's been writing to me, they are in reality all lies. He doesn't love me, he cannot love me - and he didn't really believe we'd be together forever because we never really were together fully.

 

I know, right? Why does it always seem that they love EVERYTHING that we like to do? When we were good, we were great, and if only he could fix his own issues...........well, you know what i mean, lol.

 

I think he has convinced himself that he believes what he is writing you, just to make himself feel better, and to reiterate that again, HE did nothing wrong, it was all you. He always needs to come out the good guy, no matter what. I do believe that he loved you, in his own way. He doesn't love you the way you should be loved, tho. If he really loved you the right way, he couldn't have cast you aside so easily. It took me 3 times (yeah, I'm an idiot) for me to figure that out.

 

The part that I bolded from your quote is awesome! You said it perfectly! See? Now you've encouraged me. :-)

 

--T

[curiousnycgirl]

You don't know how he feels. No one knows how he feels but him. You do know that he chooses to use withdrawal as a form of passive-aggressive punishment, which is why it's best to always leave the ball in his court. He makes these mini-moves, when you stiffen your spine and let HIM sweat it out.

 

You are right TBF (OMG I say that alot) I don't know how he feels, however if he felt badly about it, don't you think he'd do something about it?

 

I am desperately trying to get myself stronger so that I can step off of this merry go round. I don't want to participate in this farce anymore. It is far better to be alone than to be hurt like this.

 

Deep heavy sigh.

[curiousnycgirl]

I think he has convinced himself that he believes what he is writing you, just to make himself feel better, and to reiterate that again, HE did nothing wrong, it was all you. He always needs to come out the good guy, no matter what. I do believe that he loved you, in his own way. He doesn't love you the way you should be loved, tho. If he really loved you the right way, he couldn't have cast you aside so easily.

 

I actually think he is having more issues this time (I don't pretend I'm special I'm sure he's done this before) because his son refuses to speak with him and he doesn't understand why. His friend told me this.

 

His son called me when he figured out that we had broken up to tell me that he wanted to keep me not his father. I told him I would always be there for him and would be happy to be part of his life, but NOT if it meant he would shut his father out. Actually he's been shutting his father out since before the break up.

 

So at what point does my ex realize that the common element is HIM? He is not the victim here he is the perpetrator. Perhaps it is too late for him to change - so sad because his son is a great guy (as is his daughter in law and grandkids) and btw I'm a great girl - and he's missing out on all of it.

 

So sad

[Tamia78]

So at what point does my ex realize that the common element is HIM? He is not the victim here he is the perpetrator. Perhaps it is too late for him to change - btw I'm a great girl - and he's missing out on all of it.

 

So sad

 

I wholeheartedly agree that he's missing out. It might actually be too late for most of our exes to change, if they're so used to being that way for thei whole lives, it would take more than a psychiatrist to even begin to help them. They have to want to change. It seems that the minute they might actually have an inkling that THEY are the common denominator in their failed relationships.......they immediately reject it, and go back to doing what they normally did. It is sad. Just remember, whomever he settles with will always be "second best" to you, even if he does actually decide that he needs to change. You will already be done with him. Look forward to that day, girl!

 

--T

[threebyfate]

You are right TBF (OMG I say that alot) I don't know how he feels, however if he felt badly about it, don't you think he'd do something about it?

 

I am desperately trying to get myself stronger so that I can step off of this merry go round. I don't want to participate in this farce anymore. It is far better to be alone than to be hurt like this.

 

Deep heavy sigh.

Right now, he's not thinking about your feelings. He's thinking about his own and I suspect, within your last email, his feelings got hurt. So he's punishing you in the way he knows works best, by withdrawing.

 

Also, when he withdraws, not only does it punish you, it softens you up for any potential future interactions, as well as leaving the door open, just in case. If your last email to him wasn't what he wanted to hear, there's no incentive for him to continue responding.

 

Let's play this out and pretend that you two get back together again. So what happens the next time his feelings get hurt? You bet...same shyte, different day, because this is his coping tool and at his age, he's not going to change.

 

You're a proactive individual, very vocal, someone who reacts to issues right away, wanting to address and resolve problems.

 

He's passive-aggressive, wanting to think things through, taking his sweet time and analyzing the crap out of it, to the point of inaction. Better to sweep it under the rug, rather than address it and risk needing to actually do something about it.

 

Step back from your feelings and look at this clearly. How do you propose that this kind of relationship dynamic will work, beyond him or you completely rehauling themselves?

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh I agree this cannot work. I'm a face things head on kind of person, and a serious fixer. He appears to be an avoider.

 

Question is how did I fall so far in love with a passive aggressive committment phobe? How can I be so very stupid?!

[threebyfate]

Because the PA part is controllable by him and who would know about the CP part, until time clocks off and your need grows for commitment?

 

You hurt because you miss him. You're angry because he's done it to you again. You want to kick yourself for allowing it to happen.

 

And yet, is it wrong to love?

 

Perhaps it's time to forgive yourself and rather than trying to "make" it work, it's time to start letting go.

[CLC2008]

Why did you two break-up initially?

[curiousnycgirl]

Because the PA part is controllable by him and who would know about the CP part, until time clocks off and your need grows for commitment?

 

You hurt because you miss him. You're angry because he's done it to you again. You want to kick yourself for allowing it to happen.

 

And yet, is it wrong to love?

 

Perhaps it's time to forgive yourself and rather than trying to "make" it work, it's time to start letting go.

 

Well TBF I don't think I can forgive myself. When it comes to love I am so freaking broken it's pathetic. But I'll try to gain that strength so at the very least I'm not back here saying he hurt me again. My track record on that has been nothing less than awful, but hey I can hope and try can't I?

[curiousnycgirl]

Why did you two break-up initially?

 

 

This post probably explains it all. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t212355/

[EricaH329]

Oh geez curious, I am just now stumbling upon this thread.

 

I completely understand the hurt and pain you are going through. It becomes almost unbearable to move on, and heal properly, while the other person keeps you hanging by a thread. Making you believe certain things, and inevitably, leading you to think things that are false (they want to change, they care more than you thought, etc.).

 

I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship for 5.5 years, the longest was the one I just got out of and that was only 1.5 years. I can't imagine the emotional investment you've put into this. And I most certainly can't understand the difficulty of moving on from this sort of thing.

 

I do know one thing though. There will come a point where you are absolutely sick and tired of it all. The back and forth. The promises, hopes, dreams, etc that are broken. The rollercoaster of emotions you've been dealing with. And you'll come to realize that as much as you love this man, you love yourself more. You love yourself to the extent that you will not allow another human being to treat you negatively or make you feel as though you are not worthy.

 

My breaking point (as you well know) came when my ex told me that everything that ever happens in our relationship is my fault, that i'm crazy, that I need to stop acting the way that I do, basically that I need to be a completely different person and everything will be fine. TBH - I can't even see him in the same light that I used to. Anytime I think about him, I see an immature coward who is incapable of feeling sympathy or taking responsibility. And in some ways, your situation reminds me of mine.

 

All I can say, is that from what I know of you, you are a wonderful woman. You have helped me when I was at my lowest. You are a kind, sympathetic woman who will, one day, get what she deserves. You just have to push through this tough time. Understand that this is not how you deserve to be treated.

 

I am definitely going to keep tabs on this thread, and check in on you. Keep your head up hun.

[hoping2heal]

I CANNOT believe he spent weeks "crafting" an effort to tear you down. That has to be about one of the lowest things I've read about in a long, long time. Who does that? Who really writes someone to tell them how unattractive they are? I mean just the low of the low. I have a new name for this guy - you know what he is? He's "the garbage man". I can only imagine how badly that hurt BUT thank your lucky stars that you are done with him.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Erica I thought I had hit that point last night. I just didn't think I could do this anymore.

 

H2H your words are practically foretelling what came next!

 

He wrote back - here is what he wrote:

 

No, I am not done. I am still trying to figure out how to respond to your email. I have been working on this response for well over a week, since it seems I am really not very good at it. I keep writing and re-writing. I guess rather than providing a rejoinder to each of your points, I will just say the following:

 

- I miss you too

- I truly don't know what next

- There was never another woman

- It seems you are healthier, sleep better, and are happier now, so why would you want to explore any next steps?

- If we can't figure out how to provide constructive criticism or bring up issues, discuss them, resolve them, and move on, I don't know where we would be going. I have yet to figure out how to bring something up without you having a knee jerk reaction where you believe I think you are gross, hate you, think you are stupid (none of which have ever been true), or some other unreasonable, unexpected, or unintended reaction.

 

All of that said, I do love you, miss you, and continue to be open to, and willing to work it out. I just don't think I know what to do next.

 

So here I am having this HUGE epiphany - HOLY SMOKES he thought sending me "constructive critiscm" was a way to win me back? On what planet is that the way it happens? Someone please explain to me how this type of thinking works. I've always thought if you want to repair a relationship, you be nice, show true remorse, etc. Once you're in THEN you can start discussing things to work on.

 

Have I missed the boat on this? My knee jerk reaction was to call him and ask these questions, BUT I need to hold back my immediate reactions. So tell me brilliant LS'ers -am I off my rocker here? Or is he? What should I do next? Email? Call? Keep walking? What?

[threebyfate]

Whoah, the PA is really trying to work through this!!! And I'm his worst, worst critic!!

 

What do you want, cnyg?

[curiousnycgirl]

TBF - truth is I want to kick his arse! seriously want to call him and try to talk some freaking sense into his head. I'm actually wondering if he's even human at this point. Who thinks this way?!

[threebyfate]

Straight up, I don't think he's being an ass beyond being a bit tactless in his verbiage. He's asking for a new starting point.

 

Breathe in and out. Clear your mind. Then reread it.

[Rearden Metal]

Isn't it at least POSSIBLE that he's being as honest as he knows how here? That he's telling you how he feels? His last point, particularly, you seem to be proving through your reaction to the very point.

 

It's up to you, hun. He's leaving the door open. IF you want to reconcile, he's asking for you to guide the way. So you need to write down your "perfect scenario" and then the steps for how to make it happen.

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh yes I agree with that - however I'm still stunned that he thought starting right off with criticism was a good way to win a person (any person) back.

 

So what do you think I should do? So far you've been dead on every time, I really would appreciate some ideas. Pretty Please

[Rearden Metal]

Straight up, I don't think he's being an ass beyond being a bit tactless in his verbiage. He's asking for a new starting point.

 

Breathe in and out. Clear your mind. Then reread it.

 

Absolutely agree.

[threebyfate]

Go into business mode, cnygc. If you have a million dollar revenue generating client who starts with a criticism but says, whatever you want, if we can get by this [insert criticism], I'm staying with your company because I'm loyal to your firm, how would you feel and react?

[threebyfate]

Isn't it at least POSSIBLE that he's being as honest as he knows how here? That he's telling you how he feels? His last point, particularly, you seem to be proving through your reaction to the very point.

 

It's up to you, hun. He's leaving the door open. IF you want to reconcile, he's asking for you to guide the way. So you need to write down your "perfect scenario" and then the steps for how to make it happen.

This puppy is throwing his heart at her feet, completely at her mercy. Man I'm absolutely shocked and impressed that he's capable of doing this!!

[Rearden Metal]

This puppy is throwing his heart at her feet, completely at her mercy. Man I'm absolutely shocked and impressed that he's capable of doing this!!

 

 

I'm jealous, actually.

[curiousnycgirl]

Go into business mode, cnygc. If you have a million dollar revenue generating client who starts with a criticism but says, whatever you want, if we can get by this [insert criticism], I'm staying with your company because I'm loyal to your firm, how would you feel and react?

 

If that were the case I would be in turbo suck up mode, but that is not the case, and I would not be so emotionally tied to that client.

 

However I would develop a plan, step by step - on how to move forward - then probably put my very best person on it, and work with him/her behind the scenes. But that is not the case here.

 

I do not believe that the words he slung at me in November were not true, I believe he does feel I have emasculated him. But he is now saying that's not really an issue and he wants me to lead the way. I am so paralyzed by that one thing (above most of the others) that I am afraid to act.