He finally sent the email breaking NC after 13 weeks

[threebyfate]

Hmmmm guess he won't be calling tonight. It's 9:46 and no word. Yup actions speak louder than words, don't they?

 

Gee so glad we've all been agonizing over this - everyone but HIM apparently. UGH

Can you post your last text message to him?

[Star Gazer]

Can you post your last text message to him?

 

I think she called and got his VM? Perhaps a quote from that instead?

[curiousnycgirl]

I called him last night around 8:45 and left a vm saying that I was calling in response to his email, would like to talk and that I was home.

 

He texted messaged me at 11: 18 "I got your voice message. I have been in the basement getting ready for insurance adjuster who is coming tomorrow. It is late. Can we speak tomorrow evening?"

 

At 5:56 this morning I wrote back "Yup"

 

That was it - quoted.

 

Oh and he knows I'm typically in bed by 10 or 11 ish.

Edited March 24, 2010 by curiousnycgirl

[threebyfate]

I can guess what's going through his mind right now but I wouldn't call him. Let him sweat it out. He needs to come to you.

[curiousnycgirl]

I can guess what's going through his mind right now but I wouldn't call him. Let him sweat it out. He needs to come to you.

 

I cannot imagine what is going through his head right now! I'm stunned.

 

Hmmm "he needs to come to you" where have I heard that one before. Wonder how long he'll make me wait this time.

 

Yup in tears again. Heading to bed. Goodnight everyone.

[Ariadne]

Yup in tears again. Heading to bed. Goodnight everyone.

 

Hey, don't feel too bad. At least you are talking.

 

And maybe he'll still call a little late like last time that he sent you a text late.

 

In any case, you'll talk to him soon. Don't be so anxious.

 

Good luck!

[threebyfate]

I cannot imagine what is going through his head right now! I'm stunned.

 

Hmmm "he needs to come to you" where have I heard that one before. Wonder how long he'll make me wait this time.

 

Yup in tears again. Heading to bed. Goodnight everyone.

You're dealing with someone who's PA.

 

To be fair to him, your last text message was "yup". His PA mind will see it as being hostile, rather than open to discussion. That's why he's waiting it out, waiting for you to call, sweating it out in the process, figuring out what he's going to say. Don't be surprised if he's got the entire conversation already created in his mind.

 

But that's not your problem. This is his problem. He's got to control the PA and come to you.

[curiousnycgirl]

He called at 10:355, woke me up. I was not hostile I got up and we talked. Lot's to tell but to cut to the chase, we are going to see each other for a meal this weekend (either Friday night dinner or Sunday brunch).

 

Lot's to tell, which I'll do later - but need to head to the office. One thing I need to research - he had signed up for a 3 day seminar with the Mankind Project to try to begin to figure things out and improve himself.

 

I am not familiar with them - he learned of the group through his friend who's wife basically told him that she was probably going to leave him unless he attended this seminar as a start toward improvement. So I find it interesting - but will research to find out more.

 

As always could not have gotten through last night without you guys - so THANK YOU.

 

I'll be back later.

[shadowplay]

Curious,

 

Why are you trying to work things out with this guy? I understand you still love him, but don't you see how miserable a life with him would be.

 

This is all just a waste of time, and a way of delaying the actual pain of the break, which is instead protracting the pain out.

 

Is it because you feel like at your age you couldn't find somebody new who you love as much? I get the sense you're clinging to him out of fear.

 

Have some courage and say goodbye.

[curiousnycgirl]

Curious,

 

Why are you trying to work things out with this guy? I understand you still love him, but don't you see how miserable a life with him would be.

 

This is all just a waste of time, and a way of delaying the actual pain of the break, which is instead protracting the pain out.

 

Is it because you feel like at your age you couldn't find somebody new who you love as much? I get the sense you're clinging to him out of fear.

 

Have some courage and say goodbye.

 

Shadowplay you ask very fair questions. I am not yet 100% convinced life with him would be miserable. I am convinced life as he had been behaving would be miserable and I told him I would not accept that.

 

I am hoping and praying he knocks some sense into himself. I'm not saying things are all rosy, I"m saying I"m willing to see what comes next.

 

Perhaps that makes me stuipd, I'm still not sure

Edited March 25, 2010 by curiousnycgirl

[mickleb]

I suggest you meet him on a therapist's couch, CNYCG, or not at all.

 

Oh, sorry. Scratch that. I forgot you've done two years of therapy with this guy already. (Paid for by you.)

 

If two years of therapy didn't work, what's a walk in the park going to do?

 

I agree with shadowplay: you're scared. Go to therapy alone this time. Please.

 

x

Edited March 25, 2010 by mickleb
I'm a fool.

[curiousnycgirl]

I suggest you meet him on a therapist's couch, CNYCG, or not at all.

 

Oh, sorry. Scratch that. I forgot you've done two years of therapy with this guy already. (Paid for by you.)

 

If two years of therapy didn't work, what's a walk in the park going to do?

 

I agree with shadowplay: you're scared. Go to therapy alone this time. Please.

 

x

 

Mickleb -

 

I have been backing therapy, alone, since the break up. So I totally agree that I need it! My therapist feels at the very least there are unresolved issues between my ex and I that I need to explore and that I should give the guy a chance.

 

This weekend should be interesting, but I am not expecting miracles.

[GrayClouds]

Mickleb -

 

unresolved issues between my ex and I

 

Are these issues specifically defined or is "unresolved issues" a euphemism for "you still have feelings for this guy" despite your better judgment?

[mickleb]

Mickleb -

 

I have been backing therapy, alone, since the break up. So I totally agree that I need it! My therapist feels at the very least there are unresolved issues between my ex and I that I need to explore and that I should give the guy a chance.

 

This weekend should be interesting, but I am not expecting miracles.

 

Can you tell me of any relationship, current or historical, that does not have any 'unresolved issues'?

 

Yes, you should explore them but alone. That's what we have to do when we choose to leave a relationship, as you did. (Or when someone chooses to leave us.)

 

Would you mind asking your therapist exactly how many chances he/she thinks you should give this guy? We can add the sum to your current total.

 

Sorry for suggesting you see a counsellor when you already are. And bravo, for that, btw. What do they say about you, though, independent of 'him'?

 

Another thing - cloning Pol Pot would be 'interesting'. I wouldn't recommend it, though.

 

x

[curiousnycgirl]

Are these issues specifically defined or is "unresolved issues" a euphemism for "you still have feelings for this guy" despite your better judgment?

 

Yup that's a big one - you are very smart you know. I've set myself on this path, and I am going to see it through, but I'm not holdin gmy breath. I am cautious, tentative and a bit scared. I will not be throwing myself into his open arms. This will be a date, that's it.

[curiousnycgirl]

Can you tell me of any relationship, current or historical, that does not have any 'unresolved issues'?

 

Yes, you should explore them but alone. That's what we have to do when we choose to leave a relationship, as you did. (Or when someone chooses to leave us.)

 

Would you mind asking your therapist exactly how many chances he/she thinks you should give this guy? We can add the sum to your current total.

 

Sorry for suggesting you see a counsellor when you already are. And bravo, for that, btw. What do they say about you, though, independent of 'him'?

 

Another thing - cloning Pol Pot would be 'interesting'. I wouldn't recommend it, though.

 

x

 

Good points - all ex relationships do have unresovled issues but my therapist seems to think thiese are worth working on. We shall see, I've told her I'm not convinced yet, see above.

 

You NEVER have to apologize for suggesting something that you know will benefit me. I had to enter therapy after the break because I was a mess! I believe I am stronger now, but certainlly not there yet (wherever there is) - I am a blitehring work in progress :bunny:

[threebyfate]

Lot's to tell, which I'll do later

Care to share?

[curiousnycgirl]

I promise to post extensively in the am. Been working round the clock and am exhuasted.

[mickleb]

my therapist seems to think thiese are worth working on. We shall see, I've told her I'm not convinced yet, see above.

 

You are convinced, Curio, as you insisting on working on these issues with him by meeting him.

 

x

[curiousnycgirl]

You are convinced, Curio, as you insisting on working on these issues with him by meeting him.

 

x

 

Point taken although I'm not convinced it will work. I'm scared and that's the truth.

[curiousnycgirl]

Sorry it's taken me so long to post this, been a hell of a week. Today I'm working from home, so I can post here.

 

So he called and while it started off a bit awkward, it's amazing how quickly it became comfortable again. Despite the best of advice from TBF I did go through some of my non starters and he was suprisingly receptive.

 

I pointed out that his use of hyperbole and putting words in my mouth was not helpful to the situation - he agreed. I said I appreciated that and said I recognized it was coming from the hurt little boy inside of him, but we both needed to stop that stuff.

 

I told him that I acccepted his list of constructive criticsms of me, in the spirit they were intended - however I told him I felt the list was superficial and that unless he was willing to really explore the deeper issues this was doomed. He took exception to my saying his list was superficial, but when I elaborated he didn't disagree. I basically told him that while in his emails he dismissed the comments he had made about feeling emasculated, that I felt this was a very real issue and that I didn't know how I was supposed to behave to prevent that feeling. So that unless he was more open about it, and acknowledged it, we would not possibly fix it. He agreed.

 

We discussed what went wrong in the last months of the relationship. He said he did not realize how badly he had been treating me, or how often I tried to get him to stop until he was forced to sit back and think about it honestly. Once again he apologized and told me he was not really angry with me, but agreed that he took it out on me and understood why I couldn't accept that anymore. He agreed that he wasn't sure how I could have more effectively stopped this behaviour from escalating, and that this was an issue we had to work on.

 

Finally he told me about the seminar he's enrolled in. Apparently his best friend's (let's call him Sam for now) marriage was at risk recently. Sam's wife told him tha tunless he attended this seminar as a first step towards improvement, she was leaving him on the spot. Sam attended the seminar in November and has continued to work with the group and his wife and both he and his wife acknowledge that their marriage is 1000 times better and stronger now.

 

I've gone to the website for this group (believe it or not while in meetings on my phone just because I've been working so much!) and there is a lot of data, but to tell the truth not so much substance. As far as I can tell the group was formed in teh 1980'sby a therapist, academic and ex marine (who was brought in kicking and screaming) as a response to the feminist revolution to address the needs of men in a world where traditional roles have evolved so much, etc.

 

My overall impressions are that I am impressed and glad that he has taken the initiative to enroll in such a program. I actually believe he would do very well in such a program, he tends to "drink the kool aide" when committed to something. So if there is benefit to be had from this experience, I do believe he will get it.

 

We ended the call on an even keel. He suggested brunch on Sunday, I asked if we could make it Friday night dinner so I could go to the barn on Sunday (one of our big issues in our emails was that I kept giving up my "me time" - so while I didn't want to make an issue of it, I didn't want to give it up this quickly) - he sort of chuckled and said sure. I asked where he would like to meet he said he wanted to meet my new family member so I said sure and that the dog would love that.

 

He sent me a note last night to confirm time for tonight - and that's where we stand.

 

I'll update either late tonight or early tomorrow. I'm here today for love, support, derision, whatever you guys choose to send my way.

[spriggig]

... He said he did not realize how badly he had been treating me, or how often I tried to get him to stop until he was forced to sit back and think about it honestly.

 

Please accept this exactly as he said it. I feel the same way about my STBXW. I can't explain it either but it is completely true. I think for me it was a fog of complacency.

[curiousnycgirl]

Please accept this exactly as he said it. I feel the same way about my STBXW. I can't explain it either but it is completely true. I think for me it was a fog of complacency.

 

I am accepting it, the challenge is how to make sure it doesn't happen again - and that is exactly what I told him.

[angelaM]

I've been following this thread, for one thing because I really hope things work out for you, and also, because some of the things others are suggesting about your ex are similar to my situation.

 

I'm glad you had a chance to talk. Did you get a sense of where he is right now, what he would like to happen between you? And did he bring up things to discuss as well, in addition to the topics you initiated?

[curiousnycgirl]

I've been following this thread, for one thing because I really hope things work out for you, and also, because some of the things others are suggesting about your ex are similar to my situation.

 

I'm glad you had a chance to talk. Did you get a sense of where he is right now, what he would like to happen between you? And did he bring up things to discuss as well, in addition to the topics you initiated?

 

He claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I asked him if he had other things he would like to discuss and he said no he felt he had covered his issues in the "constructive criticsm" email - which is when I acknowledged those things but told him I thought his issues were deeper than that and we needed to find a way to work on all of it.

 

It wasn't a very long call. At this point we are taking it one baby step at a time and we shall see.

 

Thank you for your well wishes - and I hope this thread is helping you too. Please don't feel like you would be thread jacking if you wanted to share your situation - we have some of the finest LS minds posting here (I"m a lucky chucky!).