He finally sent the email breaking NC after 13 weeks

[curiousnycgirl]

got it tyvm

[Ilovecake]

I'm confused, are you saying I am being to harsh?

 

Oh gosh no, I don't think you're being harsh enough.

 

He just said he wants to be in a place where he can feel comfortable telling you what is wrong with you and giving you a chance to “resolve your issues”. I don’t see that as beautiful or romantic.

 

Also read this again. “I apologize if anything I wrote gave less than a positive response” He’s not apologizing for what he said he’s debasing your response to what he said.

 

“regardless if it seems to you that my actions are not consistent with that sentiment.” He’s telling you don’t judge him by his actions listen to his words.

 

I just meant his note is extremely self serving.

[curiousnycgirl]

Also read this again. “I apologize if anything I wrote gave less than a positive response” He’s not apologizing for what he said he’s debasing your response to what he said.

 

“regardless if it seems to you that my actions are not consistent with that sentiment.” He’s telling you don’t judge him by his actions listen to his words.

 

I just meant his note is extremely self serving.

 

Interesting take - I just thought it was incerdibly bad english (no real excuse for that). I'll need to think about that - totally new and interesting perspective, and again probably not wrong.

 

Oh well he hasn't responded yet - so it's becoming increasing unlikely we'll hear from him again.

[Ilovecake]

Oh well he hasn't responded yet - so it's becoming increasing unlikely we'll hear from him again.

 

I'm sorry, no matter what the waiting must be torture. He's probably doing the same thing you are, analyzing every word.

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm sorry, no matter what the waiting must be torture. He's probably doing the same thing you are, analyzing every word.

 

Actually it's more likely that he saw my response and said forget this - and stopped reading. That's what he did with the one I sent in december - according to him.

 

Yes the waiting is torture, but not as bad as the month plus that I truly thought he hated me. I can live with the thought that he won't try - for whatver reason I just couldn't take the other.

[threebyfate]

Keep in mind that withdrawal, is a form of passive-aggressive punishment of the other person. While he may believe he loves you and I have no doubt that he misses you like crazy, you have to wonder if someone who withdraws, honestly knows what real love is.

 

With this in mind, there's no use trying to create a functional relationship with someone who doesn't have a clue what real love is.

[curiousnycgirl]

Keep in mind that withdrawal, is a form of passive-aggressive punishment of the other person. While he may believe he loves you and I have no doubt that he misses you like crazy, you have to wonder if someone who withdraws, honestly knows what real love is.

 

With this in mind, there's no use trying to create a functional relationship with someone who doesn't have a clue what real love is.

 

Agreed and I've been trying to prepare myself for his never communicating again. To tell the truth it's hard to get my brain around it. Part of me thinks he might just pull another 13 weeks long NC only to open up all the old wounds again.

 

The good news is I am amazed at how much stronger I appear to be now vs. December. In fact yesterday I was drivng to a wedding and just started crying my eyes out - I finally realized it was because of him, and I was SHOCKED! But then I realized hey I got through the whole week of emails and waiting with only 2 crying jags - that's progress!

 

See baby steps.

[Star Gazer]

But then I realized hey I got through the whole week of emails and waiting with only 2 crying jags - that's progress!

 

See baby steps.

 

Yes, baby steps.

 

You may take 2 steps forward, and one step back, but the end result is still movement in the right direction.

[shadowplay]

Don't do it, Curious. You'll regret it.

[threebyfate]

Agreed and I've been trying to prepare myself for his never communicating again. To tell the truth it's hard to get my brain around it. Part of me thinks he might just pull another 13 weeks long NC only to open up all the old wounds again.

 

The good news is I am amazed at how much stronger I appear to be now vs. December. In fact yesterday I was drivng to a wedding and just started crying my eyes out - I finally realized it was because of him, and I was SHOCKED! But then I realized hey I got through the whole week of emails and waiting with only 2 crying jags - that's progress!

 

See baby steps.

I suspect he'll communicate again. When is the question. PAs are like that, in that he'll try to draw on you, to supplement his ego or when he's feeling down.

 

If you recall, it took him a month to generate this last email.

 

It just pisses me off the way he uses withdrawal to punish you, a woman he purports to love.

 

Yes, you have improved! Just keep on moving forward.

[curiousnycgirl]

I suspect he'll communicate again. When is the question. PAs are like that, in that he'll try to draw on you, to supplement his ego or when he's feeling down.

 

If you recall, it took him a month to generate this last email.

 

It just pisses me off the way he uses withdrawal to punish you, a woman he purports to love.

 

Yes, you have improved! Just keep on moving forward.

 

Actually it took him 3 months. I agree he'll be back - and I agree it's a question of when. If it's soon, I may listen, if it's another 3 months - G-d willing I'll be stronger!

[Ilovecake]

I was in relationship with a "boy" who would do the withdraw every time he got upset. We were living together and instead of telling me he was upset he would just move out. The third time I moved too so there was no taking him back. A year and a half later and he still tries to reestablish communication every few months, usually it's either when he's down in the dumps or has something he feel he needs to brag about. I've taken to completely ignoring him now and he's become very angry and vengeful because I will no longer answer his messages. I let him in one too many times and now that I want to move on he keeps crawling back in. He doesn’t want to be with me he just wants me to pay attention to him and keep feeding his ego.

[lunar_rabbit]

This is all uncomfortably similar to what's happening to me right now too, and it's certainly giving me food for thought...

[curiousnycgirl]

Sp he wrote again, and I wrote back. Feels like this dance will never end. I ended my response with "The question is what now?" - hoping he'll actually say something concrete.

 

Dunno - we'll see. Feeling sad, feeling hurt, feeling resigned.

[curiousnycgirl]

Haven't heard back - probably won't. We are both so hurt at this point, I don't think he sees a way out.

 

What drives me crazy is that I am only looking for HIM to step up. I recognize the sins of my past and am trying so very hard not to repeat them. But if I do that, and he won't fill in the gap, I guess "we" are doomed.

 

So sad - feel like I am mourning the demise of the relationship all over again.

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't know what to do at this point. When I ended the relationship I truly thought he was pushing me away and that he actually hated me.

 

Now he's told me that he loves me (in very beautiful words), and we've gone back and forth in emails, but are now back to silence. Our last communicaton was last tuesday, I responded to his note, and ended it with the question "what now" in an attempt to get him to articulate what he wants to do next. I've heard nothing back.

 

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just let it go? Should I reach

out? OMG I am tortured here! Please someone/anyone help me?!

 

I should also point out that in the last note I wrote to him, I did reveal that I knew he had been on a dating site, and was fairly certain there had been another woman (and told him why I thought that), not in an accusatory way, just explanatory - and nothing back. Do you suppose he just doesn't want to confront that truth? Do you think it is the truth?

 

OMG what am I supposed to do?!

[threebyfate]

Sift through all the words. Is he willing to step up to bat?

[curiousnycgirl]

Sift through all the words. Is he willing to step up to bat?

 

So far I don't think so - that's the most painful part.

 

In fact his response to my note quoted earlier in the thread, where you helped me with the words, wa to say that he has difficulty seeing if it is possible to repair things from my perspective. I wonder if he means that because I need him to take responsibility for his side of the relationship is more than he is willing to do.

 

I guess I am just so terribly concerned that perhaps I am reading negatively into things and so is he because we are so hurt. And that perhaps we just can't get past our hurt. But then I think back to the fact that the catalyst for all of this is that he was being so very mean to me, and when I asked what was happening to us he just let it all rip - which showed me that he was harboring so much anger. I see no way around THAT.

 

Yes he has apologized for hurting me, but he's never said he will try to do better.

[threebyfate]

So far I don't think so - that's the most painful part.

 

In fact his response to my note quoted earlier in the thread, where you helped me with the words, wa to say that he has difficulty seeing if it is possible to repair things from my perspective. I wonder if he means that because I need him to take responsibility for his side of the relationship is more than he is willing to do.

If he communicates again, you should get some clarity on this, since he's putting responsibility back onto you. How can he possibly know what you're capable of doing or not? Until he steps up to the plate, no one, not even you, can make any assumptions like that. More avoidant tactics. Don't fall for them.

 

I guess I am just so terribly concerned that perhaps I am reading negatively into things and so is he because we are so hurt. And that perhaps we just can't get past our hurt. But then I think back to the fact that the catalyst for all of this is that he was being so very mean to me, and when I asked what was happening to us he just let it all rip - which showed me that he was harboring so much anger. I see no way around THAT.

 

Yes he has apologized for hurting me, but he's never said he will try to do better.

The only thing that matters, is if he's ready and willing to meet your needs. No amount of words matter, until his actions mesh with his words.

[Star Gazer]

It's only WORDS until he takes action, hunny.

 

But like TBF said, get some clarification about that one point.

[curiousnycgirl]

So do you guys think I should write back and ask these questions, or just wait? I'm just so confused. Part of me sits here saying he's playing victim, and my actions have always shown my love for him, and that is all I"m asking for in return. The other part of me is wondering if perhaps I'm just a cold hearted b*tch who's playing victim herself.

 

I'm really THAT messed uop.

[threebyfate]

I think that you should wait for his response, before continuing with any form of communication.

 

Having said that, before committing or agreeing to anything, you have to decide if he's honestly the right man for you.

 

You know for fact that he's more than willing to allow you to give and give, with no return, then he accuses you of emasculating him. But also, you want him to be someone's he's not, even though what you want, isn't unreasonable when matched up against most men.

[Star Gazer]

You are NOT a cold-hearted anything!

 

He needs to man up an DO, rather than just SAY.

 

I'd wait until he contacts you again, and then simply ask for clarification.

[Star Gazer]

You know for fact that he's more than willing to allow you to give and give, with no return, then he accuses you of emasculating him. But also, you want him to be someone's he's not, even though what you want, isn't unreasonable when matched up against most men.

 

Quoted for truth.

[curiousnycgirl]

Ok sitting on my hands NOT writing anything (except to you guys) and only taking my hands out to blow my nose as I continue crying my eyes out!

 

I know it seems that part of me wants part of him to be different, but I KNOW that he has been that man before, I want him back. And I want my best friend back. The one who enjoys most of the same things I enjoy, etc. etc.