He finally sent the email breaking NC after 13 weeks

[threebyfate]

As a possibility, whether this is true or not, it appears that his sense of self, was strongly driven by career and accomplishments, associated to it. Also, from the sounds of it, the best friend you knew, probably didn't honestly exist to the level that you believed he did, in that I suspect he tried hard to be who he thought, you wanted him to be.

[curiousnycgirl]

Having said that, before committing or agreeing to anything, you have to decide if he's honestly the right man for you.

 

I honestly believe if he's not the right man for me, then there is no man for me. I'm seriously done. I've dated "my kind" in other words same socio economic/religious background and that didnt' work. He's my one stray way off that path and if it's not him, I'm out of options. I can't keep doing this.

 

I will admit that this break up experience has made me really think about myself and some of what I've done with my life, and frankly it's not all sweet smelling roses.

 

My ex's biggest issue is my lack of attention to my own health. While I understand his point, I don't necessarily fully agree with him. Since meeting him I quit smoking (for him) and I do go to my doctors both reguarly and as required whereas he doesn't. However the truth is before I met him I really never did think about my health. I always knew I expected (and sort of wanted) to die on the younger side, although the definition of what is young vs old has radically changed as I aged. I've just always known I never wanted to get really old - the other harsh truth is that the 21 years until I met him were not all that much fun - so why not go out with a bang?

 

I am sure he must have picked up on that attitude - and I know it scared him. That hit me like a ton of bricks - and I need to think about that too.

 

 

UGH it all just s*cks. I wish I could make this all go away.

[curiousnycgirl]

As a possibility, whether this is true or not, it appears that his sense of self, was strongly driven by career and accomplishments, associated to it. Also, from the sounds of it, the best friend you knew, probably didn't honestly exist to the level that you believed he did, in that I suspect he tried hard to be who he thought, you wanted him to be.

 

WOW that's food for thought! I don't think he was pretending/acting - but who knows. At this point the only think I know for sure, is that I know very little!

[threebyfate]

WOW that's food for thought! I don't think he was pretending/acting - but who knows. At this point the only think I know for sure, is that I know very little!

Think about how he's been responding to you, this most recent time and also, in the past. Did he believe you didn't appreciate what he gave?

[curiousnycgirl]

Think about how he's been responding to you, this most recent time and also, in the past. Did he believe you didn't appreciate what he gave?

 

Not sure I understand - you mean did he believe me when I told him things weren't working? Probably momentarily, but I've told him for several years I needed more time and committment from him, in January he volunteered to committ to spending 4 nights a week with me - which I saw as progress. It only last 2 weeks.

 

So did he understand my issue - I would say yes, did he sincerely try to fix it? I don't think so. Is that what you mean?

[threebyfate]

Not sure I understand

Has he ever expressed that you don't appreciate what he has given in the past and present?

 

you mean did he believe me when I told him things weren't working? Probably momentarily, but I've told him for several years I needed more time and committment from him, in January he volunteered to committ to spending 4 nights a week with me - which I saw as progress. It only last 2 weeks.

 

So did he understand my issue - I would say yes, did he sincerely try to fix it? I don't think so. Is that what you mean?

Hope you don't mind but I will use this as an example of communication. When you asked him for more time, did you stipulate how much more time would make you happy? As an example, "I would love that we spent more time together. Three or four days a week would be great!".

[curiousnycgirl]

Has he ever expressed that you don't appreciate what he has given in the past and present?

 

Never! And truth is it wouldn't be true.

 

Hope you don't mind but I will use this as an example of communication. When you asked him for more time, did you stipulate how much more time would make you happy? As an example, "I would love that we spent more time together. Three or four days a week would be great!".

 

No I didn't but when he suggested migrating to 4 nights a week I said that would be a great start and that I really appreciated the thought and effort.

[threebyfate]

No I didn't but when he suggested migrating to 4 nights a week I said that would be a great start and that I really appreciated the thought and effort.

I'm going to play devil's advocate and have been doing so for the past post or so.

 

The bolded text kind of negates his effort. It's essentially saying it's not enough but would be fine, for a start. Is this what you wanted to imply?

 

I'm not sure what I'm doing, perhaps role playing as him? Don't know if this kind of effort helps but one thing's for certain, it's not intended to harm. Hope that comes through clearly.

[curiousnycgirl]

I never take anything you say as anything but trying to help and yes you are right I hadn't seen my comment from that angle.

 

UGH so much to learn - just not sure I"ll ever get another chance, and if I do will I handle it better.

 

As always thanks. Tomorrow is another day after all

[GrayClouds]

 

UGH so much to learn - just not sure I"ll ever get another chance, and if I do will I handle it better.

 

As always thanks. Tomorrow is another day after all

 

MESHUGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I leave you alone for a bit and you give me this? I'm verklempt just thinking about this putz. You trying to put me in a early grave?

 

Your doing fine, getting strong and you start playing pick the scab. Have you forgot how this one left you? And now your thinking that you needed to handle it better. He was the one that did not have the balls to be his own man and then tried to blame you for his choosing to be a Eunuch. And you forget all this for a few nice words, where was they during the realtionship?

 

CNYCG you know better be kind to yourself.

[curiousnycgirl]

MESHUGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I leave you alone for a bit and you give me this? I'm verklempt just thinking about this putz. You trying to put me in a early grave?

 

Your doing fine, getting strong and you start playing pick the scab. Have you forgot how this one left you? And now your thinking that you needed to handle it better. He was the one that did not have the balls to be his own man and then tried to blame you for his choosing to be a Eunuch. And you forget all this for a few nice words, where was they during the realtionship?

 

CNYCG you know better be kind to yourself.

 

LOL been wondering why you hadn't beaten me with a wet noodle yet. Yes since he got back in touch, I'm back to crying my eyes out. He has now said that it wasn't that he felt emasculated it was frustration, etc etc. In other words he said a lot.

 

However not only has he not taken resonsibility - but he won't answer my questions either. I've written to him that I don't know what he wants from me, he has not told me (I suspect he wants it back the way it was, which I've said I will not do). My last email ended with "The question is what now?" I sent it last Tuesday (the 9th) and so far NOTHING. NADA.

 

So how can he write that his mind and his heart remain open but not respond?! Part of me (the smart part) says walk away just let it go.

 

But the emotional side wants to send him a note telling him that his silence speaks volumes.

 

UGH what I REALLY want to do is have someone read ALL 13 pages of our emails since dec 4 and tell em what to do to fix this. But then I remember that my fixing things is one of the reasons I'm in this mess.

 

So I sit here and I cry- not fun at all.

[GrayClouds]

I do not have to read the 13 emails. I do not have to read one. You know what to do. You were not crying 4 weeks ago, now you are so go back to what you were doing then.

 

If he really care there would not be 13 pages, he would be next to you talking. Why are you setting for a coward? You deserve s better man, and I suspect that is something both you and him agrees on deep down inside.

 

Stop playing this game.

[threebyfate]

Passive-aggressives use withdrawal like a weapon. Don't send him another email. The balls are in his court, let him show you if he has any balls at all.

[curiousnycgirl]

GC - I don't know if I can go back to 4 weeks ago - but I'm trying.

 

TBF - as usual you are right, I'm trying I promise I am. It's just very, VERY hard. I've not sent that note, even though I have really wanted to, so hey that's a step in the right direction, no?

[threebyfate]

Yes! Keep up the good work!

[Star Gazer]

I don't know if I can go back to 4 weeks ago - but I'm trying.

 

Of course you can! We've seen it before, and (hopefully) we'll see it again!!

[curiousnycgirl]

Passive-aggressives use withdrawal like a weapon. Don't send him another email. The balls are in his court, let him show you if he has any balls at all.

 

You think he'll come back? UGH this is killing me.

[curiousnycgirl]

Of course you can! We've seen it before, and (hopefully) we'll see it again!!

 

Thanks Star but I've got to tell you, I'm miserable

[threebyfate]

You think he'll come back? UGH this is killing me.

Reliant on what you stated on your last email, it's a matter of when.

[GrayClouds]

You think he'll come back? UGH this is killing me.

 

Come back to what???????????

 

You walking on eggshells so not to frustrate him again, not to emasculate him, wonder when he is going to walk out again. That is what your hoping for? To be with a guy who does not even have the courage to say enough with the email merrymaking, lets sit down and talk like adults. A guy who waits until he is lonely to contact you? Someone who requires you to decipher his meaning? CNYCG you really think that is the type of person who can be your partner, who has the fortitude to face the force of nature you are?

 

You want it to stop killing, shut the door. This break up was life telling you something, are you going to listen?

[curiousnycgirl]

Grayclouds I know you are right, but I just can't seem to do that, although it appears he's done, even though he won't tell me so. I finally broke down and sent the following email thursday evening:

 

 

"So is that it? Are you done? I realize we have both genuinely poured our hearts out, and I know we are both very hurt and scared. But without communication, nothing can be moved forward.

 

So if you are done, please just let me know. The waiting is very hard for me."

 

I've gotten no resonse. Of course now I am concerned that he is hurt or worse, so I asked our mutual friend to give him a call to check on him. She told me she would do so and let me know what's going on. I told her I didn't want to know what's going on, I only wanted her to let me know he is ok - that is it.

 

Yup folks I'm not doing well, back to regular crying, etc. Newsflash I don't want to be this force of nature GrayClouds speaks of - I just want to be happy, we were happy together for so long, still have no clue what I could have done differently, if he really was seeing someone else, what the heck happened.

 

A friend I met about 2 years ago told me that when she met me I was self confident, etc but in the last 6 months of the relationship I was not, and I was sad and tentative. She now sees the old me back. So what did I do to deserve that?! I know you guys are going to tell me I loved the wrong man - but that is so hard to believe!

 

Oh well I'll get through this too.

[Brightmoon]

You will get through this Curious.. you will.

I have not read the whole thread.. just your OP and the odd reply.. all of which is very good advice..

 

Letting go is so hard. It never makes sense that a connection with someone that meant so much just disappears .. like that..or is withdrawn. Makes no sense.

 

So it is hard.

 

Let him go. It's all you can do. The best thing to do.

 

And you will get through this.

 

(((hugs)))

[curiousnycgirl]

You will get through this Curious.. you will.

I have not read the whole thread.. just your OP and the odd reply.. all of which is very good advice..

 

Letting go is so hard. It never makes sense that a connection with someone that meant so much just disappears .. like that..or is withdrawn. Makes no sense.

 

So it is hard.

 

Let him go. It's all you can do. The best thing to do.

 

And you will get through this.

 

(((hugs)))

 

Thanks Brightmoon I'm trying, really I am. I just don't get why he bothered coming back.

[curiousnycgirl]

Spoke with his friend, he is fine just choosing not to respond. Yup I'm back to where I was December 1st. How he feels good about this.

[Tamia78]

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you are going thru this!

 

You are where I was a couple months ago. I'm sorry to say, but it's not going to get better. Oh, he's going to keep giving you pretty words, and saying things that sound like he's thinking about changing............but it's not going to happen. I know you read his responses a bajillion times, but it's the "we's" and "us's" that get to me. Everything is "our" fault, and "we" hurt "each other". Give me a break! He needs to take responsibility for what he did specifically that hurt you. But he won't. He only sees what you did to cause him to hurt, and that's not right. The thing is, he's going to be like that with every single one of his relationships. You could be the absolute perfect woman, doing everything for him, changing things when he suggested that it would be "better for you" or "better for our relationship" when in reality he means "better for ME", only for him to suggest something else that would make the relationship a little bit better. Do you see where I'm going with this? A person like him (passive-aggresive) will never be happy with anyone who has the balls to suggest that he's not actually as perfect as he thinks he is. In my opinion, he's withdrawing because you didn't immediately bow down and say, "OMG! Your're right! Everything that I'm doing is wrong, and I'll change right away!"

 

I don't mean that he never loved you. I believe he is capable of love, but his type of love is very flawed. It's conditional. You deserve to be with someone who will grow with you if you want to work on your flaws, not jump and run at the first sign of bad times. You need someone who will support you, and help you along the way, not just point out all your flaws, and expect you to completely change them in the space of one minute. Someone else said that he likes what you did for them, and that is completely true. What all have said is good advice: HE needs to recognize his part of the problem, and work on himself before getting back into the relationship with you. Since he already doesn't recognize his part in the demise of your relationship.........I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

I know you are feeling like he was the ONLY ONE who understood you, but I think it's because you gave him both your heart and soul, and he just tore it up and stomped on them. A real man (the one you deserve) would never do you like that. You're are headed for a rough road, but it looks like you have wonderful support from people here, and shoot me a PM if you feel like it. I don't think you should contact him anymore. I hate that you are so hurt by this whole thing, and that you are crying. I hope that anything I've said helps, and I know you will come out of this MUCH stronger than you can ever be.

 

I apologize for the length--sorry!

 

--T