He finally sent the email breaking NC after 13 weeks

[threebyfate]

It appears to me that you two had a shoot from the hip conversation. He also accepted the criticisms well, in that he took responsibility for his portion and more.

 

Even if this amounts to the two of you going your own ways, it's a real positive from a therapeutic perspective for you, cnycg. He's validated your concerns and given back a piece of your self-respect, in the process.

 

He's really trying hard. Only a man who honestly loves you, would do this.

 

But it's true it's all words. Let's see if his actions match.

 

Good luck for tonight. Plse don't forget to validate him too. In mutual validation, perhaps the tone of the relationship can change from negative to positive.

[curiousnycgirl]

It appears to me that you two had a shoot from the hip conversation. He also accepted the criticisms well, in that he took responsibility for his portion and more.

 

Even if this amounts to the two of you going your own ways, it's a real positive from a therapeutic perspective for you, cnycg. He's validated your concerns and given back a piece of your self-respect, in the process.

 

He's really trying hard. Only a man who honestly loves you, would do this.

 

But it's true it's all words. Let's see if his actions match.

 

Good luck for tonight. Plse don't forget to validate him too. In mutual validation, perhaps the tone of the relationship can change from negative to positive.

 

Thanks TBF and yes I will. I did validate him on the phone as well, I guess I didn't post that part. I agree he appears to be trying and I'm really hoping he can execute and more importantly that we can find a good place together.

 

If not I agree with you - I think parting might be a little easier if we must, at this point.

 

I'll keep you updated but meanwhile - once again THANK YOU for all of your input and support. It has truly meant the world to me.

[Ariadne]

He sent me a note last night to confirm time for tonight - and that's where we stand.

 

Oh, oh!

 

The moment is getting near...

 

Have a wonderful evening CNYCG!

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh, oh!

 

The moment is getting near...

 

Have a wonderful evening CNYCG!

 

You always make me smile Ariadne - thank you!

[threebyfate]

Thanks TBF and yes I will. I did validate him on the phone as well, I guess I didn't post that part. I agree he appears to be trying and I'm really hoping he can execute and more importantly that we can find a good place together.

 

If not I agree with you - I think parting might be a little easier if we must, at this point.

 

I'll keep you updated but meanwhile - once again THANK YOU for all of your input and support. It has truly meant the world to me.

You're welcome. You know I care and want what's right for you, whichever way it works out and whatever choice(s) you ultimately decide to make.

 

But I will say to every one of the NC gang, not you cnycg, that bringing someone to their knees, groveling, will not create an effective or healthy second chance. Pride and ego are both the strength and the downfall of humankind. Use it wisely. And yes, I'm also one of the afflicted, moreso than some of you, so don't think I'm just pointing the finger externally.

[thepulse27]

But I will say to every one of the NC gang, not you cnycg, that bringing someone to their knees, groveling, will not create an effective or healthy second chance. Pride and ego are both the strength and the downfall of humankind. Use it wisely. And yes, I'm also one of the afflicted, moreso than some of you, so don't think I'm just pointing the finger externally.

 

 

Wow. It's not often something makes you look at things from a completely new perspective. This really makes me think about the last reply I sent to my ex. It was all true, and all things I needed to get off my chest. But maybe knowing what it is like to be humbled absolutely, I might have shown some mercy and compassion before doing it to another.

 

 

NYC, I hope it's everything you want it to be. Good luck!

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow. It's not often something makes you look at things from a completely new perspective. This really makes me think about the last reply I sent to my ex. It was all true, and all things I needed to get off my chest. But maybe knowing what it is like to be humbled absolutely, I might have shown some mercy and compassion before doing it to another.

 

 

NYC, I hope it's everything you want it to be. Good luck!

 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, sometimes we NEED to say these things. If the recipient knows us well, they'll know that too. If not then oops - don't do that again!

 

Thanks for the luck, I need it. Even if tonight is fabulous, it is just the first of hopefully many baby steps for us, that G-d willing will get us to a much better place.

[angelaM]

 

But I will say to every one of the NC gang, not you cnycg, that bringing someone to their knees, groveling, will not create an effective or healthy second chance. Pride and ego are both the strength and the downfall of humankind. Use it wisely.

 

If I'm understanding you correctly, I absolutely agree. I get a little tired of the advice that suggests when someone is interested in a second chance, we should force them to jump through hoops to win us back. Honesty and intent, coupled with an awareness of what went wrong and a commitment to making it work again are the important things, IMO.

[threebyfate]

If I'm understanding you correctly, I absolutely agree. I get a little tired of the advice that suggests when someone is interested in a second chance, we should force them to jump through hoops to win us back. Honesty and intent, coupled with an awareness of what went wrong and a commitment to making it work again are the important things, IMO.

Agreed. How many relationships work, when there's a relationship imbalance of respect levels?

 

I vehemently disagree with the "they will beat down doors and prostrate themselves at your feet, spewing rose petals" mentality. The only thing this will do, is to ensure there isn't a second chance and if someone does use a skywriter to say "I'm sorry, I wuv you desperately", you give them no hope of self-respect.

 

If you're going into a second or billionth chance scenario, you have to hold to your own boundaries of self-respect and also, allow them some self-respect, hence my comments to cnycg about both words to actions and also, mutual validation.

[mickleb]

But tbf, I think most people here recognise the value of NC is the opportunity it gives us to work on ourselves so that WE are ready to healthily enter or re-enter a relationship.

 

Curio has admitted she is scared, feels alone, feels she is 44 and will never find love again. These are not the attitudes any of us wish her to have when she is considering getting back with a guy who has let her down for 5 years now. A guy she chose to leave because he didn't touch her for a year and a half. And a guy who has already done two years of therapy with her and didn't change a jot. (Words come easy. I find him enrolling on a quick fix-it course something but, franky, not much.)

 

But he is not the point here, really. She is.

 

With HER current perspective on love, life and herself, (without even mentioning that loser's name) this relationship appears to be doomed.

 

x

[curiousnycgirl]

With HER current perspective on love, life and herself, (without even mentioning that loser's name) this relationship appears to be doomed.

 

x

 

Wow I understand your perspective Mickleb and I see where you came to this conclusion, but there has been more it than that.

 

I hope to G-d to prove you wrong. However if you are right I promsie to come back and say so.

[Ariadne]

You are up? What happened?

[threebyfate]

But tbf, I think most people here recognise the value of NC is the opportunity it gives us to work on ourselves so that WE are ready to healthily enter or re-enter a relationship.

I agree that NC has much value and is fantastic for moving on.

 

But if you're using it as a manipulative weapon, then the tool is being abused. Same goes if you're using it as a revenge vehicle.

 

Curio has admitted she is scared, feels alone, feels she is 44 and will never find love again. These are not the attitudes any of us wish her to have when she is considering getting back with a guy who has let her down for 5 years now. A guy she chose to leave because he didn't touch her for a year and a half. And a guy who has already done two years of therapy with her and didn't change a jot. (Words come easy. I find him enrolling on a quick fix-it course something but, franky, not much.)

 

But he is not the point here, really. She is.

 

With HER current perspective on love, life and herself, (without even mentioning that loser's name) this relationship appears to be doomed.

 

x

IMO, since she's going to therapy to figure out what drives her, cnycg is capable of deciding what's right or wrong for her.

 

I see my role, as helping her get where she wants to go, while maintaining her boundaries of self-respect.

[curiousnycgirl]

I see my role, as helping her get where she wants to go, while maintaining her boundaries of self-respect.

 

And I can never properly express how much I appreciate that!

[curiousnycgirl]

You are up? What happened?

 

We had a nice evening. There were moments of difficulty as one of us fell back into bad behaviour but we effectively kept that in check. We agree this is going to take time, and we agree what needs to be woed on, in what priority order.

 

 

Overall a good evening and the first of more to come.

[curiousnycgirl]

Curio has admitted she is scared, feels alone, feels she is 44 and will never find love again.

 

Actually that is not exactly what I said. I was never scared to be alone. My fears were all about dealing with him, and getting hurt again. Yes I was alone, but I've always been quite ok being single. I turned back to doing the things I love to do, but didn't have enough time when I was with my ex. What I had said was that I would not put myself out there again, if it was not him, it would be no one - and I was ok with that.

 

It's just a very different spin on the same words.

[threebyfate]

And I can never properly express how much I appreciate that!

Thanks. You're not a teenager or young adult who doesn't have a clue about life or hasn't done much self-actualizing, so it's your choice, what decisions to make. After all, any choices you make, you're the person who's going to have to live with those choices and from my perspective, you know this and accept responsibility for them.

[mickleb]

Too bad I'm so damn old. I knew from the start that he was probably my last chance for love - and I blew it, mostly by wasting that chance on the wrong guy.

 

I honestly believe if he's not the right man for me, then there is no man for me. I'm seriously done. I've dated "my kind" in other words same socio economic/religious background and that didnt' work. He's my one stray way off that path and if it's not him, I'm out of options. I can't keep doing this.

 

I will admit that this break up experience has made me really think about myself and some of what I've done with my life, and frankly it's not all sweet smelling roses.

 

My ex's biggest issue is my lack of attention to my own health. While I understand his point, I don't necessarily fully agree with him. Since meeting him I quit smoking (for him) and I do go to my doctors both reguarly and as required whereas he doesn't. However the truth is before I met him I really never did think about my health. I always knew I expected (and sort of wanted) to die on the younger side, although the definition of what is young vs old has radically changed as I aged. I've just always known I never wanted to get really old - the other harsh truth is that the 21 years until I met him were not all that much fun - so why not go out with a bang?

 

I am sure he must have picked up on that attitude - and I know it scared him. That hit me like a ton of bricks - and I need to think about that too.

 

 

UGH it all just s*cks. I wish I could make this all go away.

 

Now, my dear Curious, apart from the fact that you have admitted to the above, can you (or anyone else) explain to me what is healthy about these attitudes?

 

I retain my concerns.

 

x

[curiousnycgirl]

Now, my dear Curious, apart from the fact that you have admitted to the above, can you (or anyone else) explain to me what is healthy about these attitudes?

 

I retain my concerns.

 

x

 

And I really appreciate your concerns. They are well worth my thinking about long and hard. As far as I can tell we are still broken up. We had a meal together friday - he took home most of his stuff, which included my copy of the key to his house. I don't have anything at his house. Haven't heard from him since.

 

I promise every single step I take with him going forward (if any) will be done deliberately and cautiously.

[GrayClouds]

he took home most of his stuff, which included my copy of the key to his house. I don't have anything at his house. Haven't heard from him since.

 

VS

 

I promise every single step I take with him going forward (if any) will be done deliberately and cautiously.

 

That is not forward, that is a different directions.

 

Life is hard, life is painful, life is lonely. Instinctively, we look to avoid them. We can spend our energy trying to do so or spend it learning how to deal with them. Both options are very hard work but only the one will give you what your wanting.

 

Which option is this effort?

[curiousnycgirl]

That is not forward, that is a different directions.

 

Life is hard, life is painful, life is lonely. Instinctively, we look to avoid them. We can spend our energy trying to do so or spend it learning how to deal with them. Both options are very hard work but only the one will give you what your wanting.

 

Which option is this effort?

 

Agreed the way I presented it seems that way - sorry, let me clarify. I put my copy of the key to his house and garage door opener in the box. When he got home he saw them and was annoyed that he hadn't looked earlier so he could leave them with me. I told him it was fine this way - we shall see what comes and not to rush.

 

I'm still in wait and see mode.

[threebyfate]

Agreed the way I presented it seems that way - sorry, let me clarify. I put my copy of the key to his house and garage door opener in the box. When he got home he saw them and was annoyed that he hadn't looked earlier so he could leave them with me. I told him it was fine this way - we shall see what comes and not to rush.

 

I'm still in wait and see mode.

I'm sorry but I'm finding this confusing.

 

This box of his items. Did he ask for everything back? From the sounds of it, he never asked for his keys back.

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm sorry but I'm finding this confusing.

 

This box of his items. Did he ask for everything back? From the sounds of it, he never asked for his keys back.

 

He asked me if he had left a clear plastic bucket at my house, as he had been looking for it recently. I told him that I thought he may have, and that there was a box of his stuff in the garage, as well as a hanging bag. It was late, so he said he would just take the box which he did. I didn't think about the fact that the keys were in there - it was just a statement of fact.

 

Interesting thing is that I put a christmas present I had bought him in that box, unwrapped. He didn't say a word about that - so I'm not sure he's really dug through the contents, I believe the garage door opener and key were on top.

[threebyfate]

If I were him, I would view this as a form of pushing me away. He asked for one item and you gave him back everything. When he tried to leave the keys with you, you told him to take this slowly.

 

It almost feels like a form of preemptive rejection, due to fear of being hurt from expecting too much.

[curiousnycgirl]

If I were him, I would view this as a form of pushing me away. He asked for one item and you gave him back everything. When he tried to leave the keys with you, you told him to take this slowly.

 

It almost feels like a form of preemptive rejection, due to fear of being hurt from expecting too much.

 

Good points, and certainly not my intent.

 

Actually I told him there was a box, and he was welcome to take a look, he decided to take the whole thing rather than dig through it here. He did not discover the keys until he got home, and I had entirely forgotten what was the box. He didn't try to leave the keys, he said he should have, and I said not to worry no rush, etc.

 

However I can certainly see what you mean. I was thinking about dropping him an email - so I will to keep the lines of communication open. How's that?

 

and more important, how are YOU feeling?