Marty_McFly Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Today, I spoke with a good friend of mine that I used to work with. I knew that he had once been dumped by a long time girlfriend before I knew him, but we had never talked much about it. I told him what had happened with me and my girlfriend, and asked him a lot of questions. He had been dating her for 7 years and they were about to be engaged, and she left him without much explanation, much like many of us here. I asked him how long it took him to get over it, and he said a year! (It's only been one month for me so far ) Here is a very smart, good looking, nice, "cool" guy, and he was completely devastated by his break-up. I'm telling you all this to show that love can hurt anyone. Even though we feel low about ourselves or inadequate, and that maybe if we had a different personality or different looks then it would be different for us, it's just not true. It happens to everyone. He's very happy with a girl now that he says is "the one," so I guess there's happy endings. But it sure doesn't feel like it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marty_McFly Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 Also, he too advocated the "no contact" rule. (he never mentioned this site, but his words sounded strangely familiar ) I had asked him if he had talked to her much ever afterwards, and he said maybe 10 times in the last few years only because of running into her through mutual friends, and that he never really got the answers he was looking for, though he never really tried. The other thing he said was that he knew it was her loss, and that she'll never be as happy as she could have been with him. I asked him how he knew that, and he said he just knew, and that you also have to keep telling yourself that everyday. And because she's been through several relationships since him that haven't worked out at all. He said all us guys that have everything our women should want in a man are as rare as Haley's Comet, and they are missing out. I hope this helps someone. It did make me feel a little better about everything that's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Hey again, Marty, I'm happy for your friend and agree that it can be a loss, but a loss for them both! Love has so many roles and endings. For those of us who move on and find happiness, right on! For those of us who reunite and find happiness, right on!! The happiness is where you make it. It sounds like your friend has made his way, and that is good. But how many others have found their happiness by reuniting? you just never know what is in store, so we do what makes us happy if we can. I think that by just working on yourself, and getting stronger, you'l be in the best shape no matter what. Me, I know she'll never find someone who will love her more than I, but maybe she might. The question is, will she realize that she loves me enough to admit that if it is so.? I just hope she doesn't find herself stuck in a situation knowing her heart isn't in it trying to prove she has "moved on" or trying to make something work to get over us. No matter what people say, that first "new" relationship 9or more) can (or more likely is) a rebound, and something to gauge things by. It is what we do aftre that that determines a whole lot. Me, I'm happy right now trying to work on being a better me, that is all I can control. Like Inloko has said, I just don't have the need or desire to do anything , at least right now. I know "we" are better together than apart, now she has to feel that, if she ever does. My heart will always be open to her, but my life must go on. If we find our way back, I will be better andstronger, and just as in love, in some ways more. It is dealing with the hurt and pain that is hard and crutucal for us all. some folks can deal with things, stick it out, some have to move right on - we all are unique. I believe in love, and the power and strength that can come from renewed love - that works for me! Hope you find what works for you. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Hang in there bud, we can do this..."Time does not heal, but healing takes time." Link to post Share on other sites
KitWalker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 mandrews1119 right on!!!! Brought a tear to my reading that post! THATS exactly how I feel, a few have said move on and better yourself and you'll find someone else, but i DONT want to find someone else, I do want to re-unite with my ex and I am scared that she may find someone else BUT not admit to her heart not totally in that new relationship rather than to prove that she has moved on....i mean who likes to admit to being wrong??? Besides most of us in here who have already admitted their wrongs to their "ex's", I pray that ALL of our ex's will see the light and feel the love that we have for them all and maybe, just maybe, in time, that we come back here one by one with our 'success' story! Im planning to! Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Dear Kit, Hello, how are you? Just call me a hopeless romantic. Just as it takes strength to "move on" - I feel it takes strength to be honest about the love that you feel and either keep your heart open, or be able to reunite and move forward together. This is NOT to be confused with obsessing, stalking, being weak, needy or any of the explanations given and positions blasted by people who handle things in other ways. Is there not something to be said for those who know what they feel, know what they have chosen, and PREFER to try to work it out if possible, or remain open TO the possibility? Yes, it can take time, and more often than not, we don't hear from those who do reunite on this site, or in life. If you ask anyone who has successfully reunited, I think they will say it was worth the wait and the changes. It isn't for everyone, and I do not advocate losing your entire life over it - in fact part of being able to reconcile IS being able to function. There is nothing wrong with feeling (or knowing in your heart that you'd prefer to function with that someone you love. And how many people go on and remain single (some for a long time, if not life), or just become daters or worse - trapped in something they "setttled" on for all the wrong reasons? some people come to this site and are afraid to admit their true feelings, and take the bad habits and dishonesty to themselves right with them thinking " I won't, I can't he/she doesn't care, etc." I do not. She may never come back, but that doesn't mean I have to BS myself, dislike her, or not feel we could work it out. that also is what love is all about - working through the problems. All relationships have them, it is just a matter of how you work through it - hopefully together, even if that takes reuniting. I believe (and have stated here many times) that there is a strength and security that comes with reuniting that is just as strong (if not stronger) than "moving on"! Whatever floats your boat. Let us not lose sight of the people who have "moved on" - dating or dated someone else, - only to sucessfully go back and reunite! and make it work the second (or third time) around. Each love is unique. Often, one or both parties have to move away to get together again. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Well said mandrews Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 This is NOT to be confused with obsessing, stalking, being weak, needy or any of the explanations given and positions blasted by people who handle things in other ways It's pretty close, particularly when you find yourself saying things like 'she'll realize she really does love me'. Fact of the matter is that not that many people are stupid enough to ditch someone they truly love for no reason. If they've dumped you, there's a VERY good reason. You just refuse to believe that, which is not healthy. To insist that someone really does not know her own mind is step 1 to stalkerism. It's also very controlling. You hangers-on need to comprehend that your refusal to accept reality is the scariest thing about you and the number one reason someone would never want you back. People who can't understand and accept reality as it is, and who refuse to believe it when others say their relationships were not good or enjoyable are not good people to have relationships with. Understand this, the people who would 'love them more than anybody else' would be the people who completely understand them and their feelings, not people who would insist that THEY know what is real despite what the others tell them. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Understand this, the people who would 'love them more than anybody else' would be the people who completely understand them and their feelings, not people who would insist that THEY know what is real despite what the others tell them. Huh? You are saying other peoples opinions are always more valid than our own? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 You are saying other peoples opinions are always more valid than our own? No. I'm saying that the guy who says 'she doesn't understand that she really loves me' is looking at it only from his perspective and doesn't understand her at all. The guy who understands that the relationship had to end and why and his part in it is the one who has the correct persepctive. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 I think you are confusing people who are willing to try and reconcile with people who choose other means. I have nothing against moving on, and in fact if things do not feel like waiting for, eventually we all do, or have to. But I will not be afraid to stand by what I feel, or am willing to endure in my effort to reunite. If that makes me a "hanger on" does that make people who dissent from this opinion "quitters"? nor do I feel it is so cool for people who choose one way or the other to blast others or think what they have chosen for themselves the gospel truth of all times. What about the people who DO reconcile? More specifically those who do so after years? sometimes years is what it takes. What is the proper time frame, moimeme? I don't think anyone can say, each case is unique. and what may or may not have worked in your own case, may or may not work for others. We all must do what we all must, to each his/or her own. I asked for your specifics, I'd like to know how you arrived at where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 I do agree that the person who is looking at things from just their own perspective is wrong, and is probably selfish. If you were the one who was "wrong" then you need to look at what the reasons were, make changes, and then move from there. Onesidedness will not work. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 I asked for your specifics, I'd like to know how you arrived at where you are. My story is irrelevant to my comments or to this situation. I was just commenting on people who insist they 'know' that the ex 'really' loves them when clearly it's a major form of denial and self-delusion. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Moimene your attitude toward men that say 'she doesn't understand that she really loves me' obviously has more behind it, which is why I think people are asking. It is very common for people to be afraid of commitment and make up excuses to separate only to reconsider later. Someone sited a stat here at some point that around 80% of relationship have had some form of separation. Obviously if this is true and every man decided to instantly move on, the 80% figure would be alot lower. I think people can delude themselves easily. But they can also know their partner much better than someone on the outside of the relationship. Not all of the details of the relationship get transmitted as part of every message. Yet, there is no shortage of advisors who promote the breakup as a good thing regardless of circumstance. But it is also possible to think 'she doesn't understand that she really loves me' from a purely analytical point of view, factoring in all of the circumstances leading up to the break. This doesn't mean that one is necessarily 'looking at it only from his perspective and doesn't understand her at all'. As is often the case, the listener layers his/her own prejudices onto someone else's situation. Now it is certainly true that is a woman leaves a man she is probably out of love with him, but the duration of that feeling isn't necessarily forever, any more than the original love is guaranteed to be forever. She might just be overwhelmed, confused, stressed, or angry. Every situation deserves to be independently evaluated. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Well said lost, I agree ... we are not saying 'she is wrong and i know what she is thinking ...' or ' i will tell her when she doesnt love me anymore' ... but rather looking at the reasons for the separation we feel that love is not lost but rather confused through stress, anger, external life factors. i believe that love is a state of mind and that in reality anyone could fall in love with anyone else ... it is just theeir mind that says yes go for it. i believe love is not lost but our minds just protect us from fears and confusion and that is translated into 'not in love anymore ...' well love is still there it just needs to have the reasons for existing re-energised. of course there are relationships that must end because they are destructive to one or both parties. but in the majority of cases relationships end that maybe do not need to and time and space my clear the air. i to have heard that 80% of relationships experience some form of separation for more than 3 months and then successfull reconciliation is achieved. we are not telling the female she is wrong ... but if we feel that love still exists and that it is just hurt then we all should try to reconcile ... as long as we do it the right way. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Whew!! Thanks, you two.! I am heartened to know I was not alone in my thinking. Moimeme, I agree with the theory of what you were saying, just that it doesn't apply in all cases. Your post seemed to suggest that. I had previously asked what your own story was on a separate thread, it was just coincidence that we also wound up on this one! Here's to those of us who have made mistakes, and want to correct them, with the women we love.! Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 I agree ... we are not saying 'she is wrong and i know what she is thinking ...' or ' i will tell her when she doesnt love me anymore' ... but rather looking at the reasons for the separation we feel that love is not lost but rather confused through stress, anger, external life factors. I would have to say that the reasons for separation vary so much that it cannot be generalized to falling out of love because of 'external' factors. we are not telling the female she is wrong ... but if we feel that love still exists and that it is just hurt then we all should try to reconcile ... as long as we do it the right way. Sometimes you can confuse your love for somebody with the love that you believe they have for you. Unless the woman says to you 'i love you', she probably doesn't. I stopped saying that to my ex after we broke up because I knew it wouldn't do any good. I would be lying. I did love him, but not in the same way anymore. Also - of course moimeme's responses come from some personal experiences, whether it is through her own relationships or through others. This is the only way that we all learn and can advise to others. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Hello, Sarah12, I have a question; what do you think about 'second chances'? Often the breakup is something that can be mended, not every one means it is over, I think they each depend on circumstances and then you must factor in history, length of relationship, and the psyches of the folks involved. I'd love to hear your opinion. and using your own example - I don't think it is possible to just blanketly say "never". Just like no one size fits all here. I definitely agree with you that if a person doesn't say they love you (women even more than men) it is because she probably doesn't - or is too wrapped in pain and whatever else to respond in that way. I just don't believe it is automaticaly FINAL, or else how do we account for the people who manage TO reunite? If love is still there (imho), to some degree (granted it must have changed to reach the state breakups find themselves in), then it can be reignited. If the chemistry that brought you together in the first place still exists, then I think fixing the problem(s) and committing to a NEW relationship togehter has a chance. What say ye? Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 I have a question; what do you think about 'second chances'? I wrote about this in marty's thread I believe. I just don't believe it is automaticaly FINAL, or else how do we account for the people who manage TO reunite? See, I don't believe I am the exception when I say this, but in my relationships, when things go sour, I wouldn't break up with the person unless I knew there was no choice but to break up in the end. At that point it was final, because I had thought through everything, analyzed everything, and would only break up when I knew there was no other way. If the chemistry that brought you together in the first place still exists, then I think fixing the problem(s) and committing to a NEW relationship togehter has a chance. What say ye? Sometimes you just can't fix things. Fixing things in my previous relationships would mean changing that person. I didn't want the person to change for me, I wanted him to change for himself to make himself a better person. In fact, I wanted this one guy to better himself so much that really, I broke up with him for his sake. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Did you ever think that there were things about YOU that needed fixing? Sounds a little weird that it was always the other person's fault.! I guess my point also is, if the guy wanted to make changes to better the relationship, would that have been wrong or an unacceptable thing to you? Often it is for someone else that we make changes, especially if we have hurt the one we love. If one is in a relationship, we make changes not ONLY for ourselves, but the other person too, in order to make things better and for the two to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Did you ever think that there were things about YOU that needed fixing? Not to sound conceited, but no, I did not need fixing when it came to our relationship. I guess my point also is, if the guy wanted to make changes to better the relationship, would that have been wrong or an unacceptable thing to you? In my case, he needed to make these changes on his own without me, because his problem was that he was too dependent on me. His life came crashing down without me because I was everything to him. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Dear all Is it not coincidental that when i posted my situation & Moimeme replied & then i asked for other opinions, she said i need to face reality & move on, of course being a senior member makes her opinion "holy" & we should all bow down to her! Mandrews, Lost in chicago Well Said!!, good things come to the positive ones amongst us, never say never & while we breath there is hope.. Yes all relationships are different but if you love someone, you should persevere. I wouldn't have had the best year of my life if i hadn't persevered with my gf when she told me adamantly "i don't want you", she said if you dont want to be my friend i will understand because i don't want to give you hope. We carried on as friends & it changed & fell madly in love! If i had posted my problem when she didn't want me & Moimeme had answered, i wonder what she would have said! When people seperate & there has been love, time can heel & reconciliation does happen as someone said with the 80% figure. Now with my situation there was initial anger & not nice thing said, my gf wants space because she was there for me when i was ill & it affected her, things were said that i know she didn't mean & it's not like i beat her up when she'd have valid reason to "end it" alltogether. My grandparents & other older generation couples in the past are married for 50, 60 or even 70 years, they are worked on & go through endless troubles, my grandparents have leaft each other 3 times but only eventualy seperated through death! Obviously this won't happen to Moimeme! Attitudes like this are the reasons modern marriages don't last 5 minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 While i am not advocating pushing or hassling the seperated one into reconciliation, it takes time & this must be respected by whoever, In the mean time all you can do is better yourself, work on your improvements & when your oppertunity arrives, show them. I do believe that i have met the girl of my dreams, everything i wanted & dreamed of in a woman before i met her, i found in her when we met & she said about me that how i am is everything she likes, so people are still the same, a state of mind thing at a certain time, just being together a long time, space is sometimes required to rekindle the fire. Think of it as a "Refresh" button of love! This is moving on, changing oneself, but can mean with the same person! So you can be damned if i'm going to give up on it & sit round thinking what if! This should make you closer, advice from my 93 year old grandparent, who as i say was married 68 years. Quite true what someone said, we could be called "hangers on", but we're definately no "quitters". People tend to post on here who are needy & want to share their troubles & find positivity, after they move on or reconcile they don't want it anymore because life i back on track, lets have some positive storys of reconciliation! Heads Up & Keep the flag flying Link to post Share on other sites
RobertoPNW Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Originally posted by monkey While i am not advocating pushing or hassling the seperated one into reconciliation, it takes time & this must be respected by whoever, In the mean time all you can do is better yourself, work on your improvements & when your oppertunity arrives, show them. Well said, my ex said to me that she wished me well and I have alot to offer a woman. I could have given up right then and there. Her best friend said to send an apology letter and then just be patient. Wow! I went from no hope...to wait and see. In the meantime I am going thru counseling to improve myself. I realized my ex wants me by the way she looks at me, but she is afraid to have me by my behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
maxmuscle Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Monkey, Well said! I agree with your statement 100%. People need time to reflect on the relationship and sort out their feelings. It may take a while, but it has to be done. I am not saying that WE (Dumpee's) speak for the others feelings. Nobody knows how the other feels, but if you feel he/she is worth fighting for, then why give up? Why live life this way? Everything in life is a chance and probability....... Some people on this forum WILL get back with their ex and probably have productive relationships that will lead to marriage. That's the way it is........ Link to post Share on other sites
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