Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship?

[XKatieX]

I will list some things that I feel have made me become unhappy, and feel abused in a way.

 

#1 He isn't there for me when I need him the most, when I'm having a bad day or when I'm feeling down instead he shuts me out and stops talking to me

 

#2 When I'm feeling down instead of making me feel better or trying to cheer me up, he makes me feel worse

 

#3 He constantly is pointing out negative things about me or things that aren't true, never noting the good things about me

 

#4 He always points out my mistakes and never acknowledges his own, even if they are similar or the same to mine

 

#5 When something is bothering me and it has to do with us, I talk to him about it, and usually it ends up turning into a fight

 

#6 He doesn't make me feel loved anymore, he doesn't show me that he cares like he used to.

 

#7I feel taken for granted most of the time and unimportant to him, but when I tell him this he gets mad (same as #5)

 

 

As for now these are the biggest ones I can think of, if I think of more I will add them.

My question is am I in an emotionally abusive relationship and if you were in a relationship with someone that did these things, would you walk away?

[USMCHokie]

Yes. But there must be something that is drawing you in and keeping you in the relationship...perhaps the "abuse" itself...?

[XKatieX]

Maybe partly, he sometimes threatens me that he'll find someone else when we get into fights. Thats another thing I forgot to add

 

But i think its mostly because through out the things that make me unhappy, its very up and down. Sometimes I feel happy with him, other times not so.

 

He will go away sometimes and come back (when we fight), and throughout everything that we've been through we've been together still for almost 4 years.

 

Overtime our relationship has changed a lot, things used to be better between us...but I still never have stopped caring about him, I've never cared for anyone as much as I do him, and thats the hardest part. We are also in a LDR, i know that can make things more difficult as well.

[USMCHokie]

It simply amazes me to hear that guys that consistently pull that sort of crap can still find women who will eat it up...

 

I don't really know what to tell you...but you've got to look inside yourself and figure out what you want...

 

Bottom line...if you're willing to put up with it, then that's what you deserve and what you're going to get...

[Jade 02]

As much as you love him,he will never change(mayby if he we to counceling) I lived with a mind abuser for 5/6 years,and I got so down,I did not feel like I was smart enough to hold a conversation with anyone with him around(more like paranoia)

 

He made me so down,kept me home every night with weed,and booze when I was yahooing it (by myself while he went out). Finally I said F this,and started coming out of the sadness,and holding my chin high,and kept telling myself I AM A HUMAN,A DAMN SMART ONE,and try the same or something of the same.

 

YOU ARE A SMART HUMAN BEAUFTIFUL PERSON!!!!

[Angel1111]

Yes, you're in a very abusive relationship. But, unless you come to terms with that, and with what that actually means, he'll keep sucking you back in.

 

The reason he isn't there for you when you need him most is because he only is concerned that you take care of him. It doesn't occur to him that it should be reciprocal and that he should be there for you. He is extremely disappointed in you whenever you're not the strong person he wants and needs you to be. This is an impossible expectation to live up to but you're dealing with a person with the emotional intelligence of a 2-yr-old. Whether he would openly admit it or not, his daily goal is to keep you down and never let you feel too good about yourself. You will never feel loved as long as you're with him, you will never know real happiness.

 

Do yourself a favor and buy the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry men)'. It's a must-read for someone in your situation because this book allows you to understand how he thinks. And once you understand that, you won't want to stay. The author of this book has seen literally thousands of abusive men, so he has incredible experience with them. They are not changable and your bf enjoys the power that he exerts over you. One other thing you'll learn from this book is that even the good times that you have with your bf are also part of the abuse. Because you know that at any time the bottom can fall out of your happiness, you're constantly on eggshells. So there are really no true good times with these men.

 

I hope you'll read the book, but make sure that he doesn't see it (unless you're interested in having another fight with him).

 

If / when you leave him, be prepared for the biggest show on earth about how much he loves you, how he's going to change, blah, blah, blah. It's all a bunch of words. These men are only interested in keeping you captive. If that's not what you want, then walk away. Do not ever believe he'll change, because he won't.