Are Paternity Tests Insulting?

[donnamaybe]

Then make sure you tell any woman you're going to get involved with, that this is something that's a non-personal necessity you have. This way, she knows what she's in for, right out the gate. What you'll find, is that there will be women who walk away, right out the gate. In this, that's not such a bad thing since it weeds out women who might try to pull the wool over your eyes. But the risk side is that you weed out women who are insulted by it. For every action, there's a consequence. Nothing is safe in life.

 

There's another possibility: He might find women who are okay with it BUT they will be women who constantly check his cell records, computer history, mileage on his car, and call incessantly while he's at work.

[JustJoe]

There are other reasons for having PT's done. What if you are seeing a married woman and she becomes pregnant? Is the baby yours or her husbands?

[carhill]

Then make sure you tell any woman you're going to get involved with, that this is something that's a non-personal necessity you have. This way, she knows what she's in for, right out the gate. What you'll find, is that there will be women who walk away, right out the gate. In this, that's not such a bad thing since it weeds out women who might try to pull the wool over your eyes. But the risk side is that you weed out women who are insulted by it. For every action, there's a consequence. Nothing is safe in life.

Great advice. Full disclosure is a healthy thing. I hope the OP does this. It will help define a compatible partner. I'm going this route with a pre-nup. I make it clear I enjoyed being married and wish to protect my life's work and that a potential future spouse with a pre-nup should I get married again. A woman who is on-board with both parts enjoys one element of compatibility. I hope the OP follows through on his truth, openly.

[Johnny M]

I would be incredibly insulted if my (hypothetical) husband wanted to do a paternity test. Even if he tried to claim that he trusted me and didn't think I was cheating on him. Why the need for the test if he allegedly trusts me?? Honestly, that would have a huge effect on our relationship and would most likely end it. Plus, I don't want to be with somebody who so bitterly thinks that every woman out there is potentially tricking some poor doofus into raising a kid who isn't his.

When you "trust" your husband or wife, you, in your mind, accept that it is unlikely that he/she is cheating on you. However, you can never be 100% certain, unless you have that person under 24/7 video surveillance. And matters like paternity are way too important to be left to trust.

 

This is really no different from other situations where one cannot rely on trust. Before you are allowed to board a plane, you get x-rayed and have your baggage searched even though you're a law abiding citizen and have never been committed of a crime. When you write exams in university, there is always someone present in the room to make sure there's no cheating. Most people have no problem accepting that they are not trusted in these situations. So why is it so difficult to accept that a man may want absolute assurance when it comes to such a fundamentally important issue as the paternity of the kid that will spend much of the rest of his life raising and caring for?

[Jersey Shortie]

Would find it hurtful and insulting if my hypothetical husband asked me to get a paternity test.

 

How would you guys like it if everytime you went out your wife/gf thought you were going to cheat on her and asked you to do an STD test?

[txsilkysmoothe]

Then make sure you tell any woman you're going to get involved with, that this is something that's a non-personal necessity you have. This way, she knows what she's in for, right out the gate. What you'll find, is that there will be women who walk away, right out the gate. In this, that's not such a bad thing since it weeds out women who might try to pull the wool over your eyes. But the risk side is that you weed out women who are insulted by it. For every action, there's a consequence. Nothing is safe in life.

 

 

Pre-Pup: a pre-arranged agreement for a paternity test.

[donnamaybe]

Yep, every guy on this thread claiming it's just common sense to get a paternity test should have no problem with their other half checking up on everything they say and do; mistrusting every move they make.

[threebyfate]

Great advice. Full disclosure is a healthy thing. I hope the OP does this. It will help define a compatible partner. I'm going this route with a pre-nup. I make it clear I enjoyed being married and wish to protect my life's work and that a potential future spouse with a pre-nup should I get married again. A woman who is on-board with both parts enjoys one element of compatibility. I hope the OP follows through on his truth, openly.

That's a good way to do it, by being clear about your pre-nup needs. We also agreed on a prenup, albeit without the pat test part, but ended up with a post-nup, due to Bump. If H. had suggested it previous to Bump existing, as part of a generic non-personal prenup, it's possible I might have been okay with it. But now that Bump exists, it would bother me greatly.

 

Say it was part of a discussion about prenups in general, even before a proposal, just during dating, then most def. I would be okay with it, since it's a good way to expectation manage.

[Jersey Shortie]

First marriage full price.

Second marriage half-off

Paternity and STD tests galore - priceless.

[carhill]

How would you guys like it if everytime you went out your wife/gf thought you were going to cheat on her and asked you to do an STD test?

 

"Call the lab and set it up. I'll need a thyroid panel, liver function test and fasting lipids test too. I suggest you join me. One can't be too healthy"

[tinktronik]

You'd ditch your husband and become a single mom simply because he wanted assurances that the child was his? I kind of doubt it...unless, of course, the child wasn't actually his.

 

My ex H actually did this with our first child, just to be an asshat. There was no chance the baby was not his, he just wanted to be a jerk, I think. While it did not ruin my marriage in that moment, it weighed heavily and I never forgot about it, ever.

[Green]

Mother’s baby, father’s ...maybe.

 

There is a risk if you do not ask for a paternity test. Many men are unaware that they are raising kids that aren't their own. That can (and IMO should) be avoided. To be honest, I think I would want to know (not "only" trust) that I am the father.

 

And I guess thats where things are unfare, because other then a hospital screw up the mother gets to KNOW she is the mother. And seriously if I thought my wife was cheating on me it wouldn't prove she wasn't just because the baby was from me. Why do women get so insulted that there is such a simple test... I understand it and I don't.

 

No, I don't think it's insulting in the slightest. There have been various studies done on the subject and apparently up to 20% of "fathers" are unknowingly raising another man's child. That's pretty scary if you think about it. So yes, men should be getting paternity tests as a matter of policy.

 

And who knows how acurate that is, but if I can get rid of my paranoia with a simple test then why should women be so insulted to there core as if I had installed a camera in their vagina or something.

 

I would be incredibly insulted if my (hypothetical) husband wanted to do a paternity test. Even if he tried to claim that he trusted me and didn't think I was cheating on him. Why the need for the test if he allegedly trusts me?? Honestly, that would have a huge effect on our relationship and would most likely end it. Plus, I don't want to be with somebody who so bitterly thinks that every woman out there is potentially tricking some poor doofus into raising a kid who isn't his.

 

Look your agruments can be used back at you, Why enter into the contractual obligation of marriage... why wear rings.... ect... Are pre-nups also insulting to you?

 

It has nothing to do with thinking women are potentially tricking me because basicaly they can easily still trick me in an infinite amount of other ways. But if there is this one test, and it makes me feel good to get it, WHY make it the equivalent of calling some one a LIAR? it makes no sense.

 

And why do u describe the man as a poor doofus if he is tricked into believing a kid is his? Without paternity tests this is a very easy thing to do.

 

You'd ditch your husband and become a single mom simply because he wanted assurances that the child was his? I kind of doubt it...unless, of course, the child wasn't actually his.

 

She'll end up ditching her husband some day anyways with her attitude.

 

Then make sure you tell any woman you're going to get involved with, that this is something that's a non-personal necessity you have. This way, she knows what she's in for, right out the gate. What you'll find, is that there will be women who walk away, right out the gate. In this, that's not such a bad thing since it weeds out women who might try to pull the wool over your eyes. But the risk side is that you weed out women who are insulted by it. For every action, there's a consequence. Nothing is safe in life.

 

I would never tell this to a woman right out of the gate. It would be like having a conversation about abortion, or pre-nup's or adoption right out of the gate. "Excuse me I know we've only been on one date, but I think you should know this long list of things that we might disagree on"... I don't think so. Seriously you come into this conversation insulted that I would even ask the question here on this board.

 

There's another possibility: He might find women who are okay with it BUT they will be women who constantly check his cell records, computer history, mileage on his car, and call incessantly while he's at work.

 

No, a woman like this wouldn't be ok with it. A woman who was confident wouldn't turn a little test into such a big deal. The woman you describe is unconfident.

 

There are other reasons for having PT's done. What if you are seeing a married woman and she becomes pregnant? Is the baby yours or her husbands?

 

Legaly the baby would be the husbands even if you had the paternity test and it showed differently.

 

Great advice. Full disclosure is a healthy thing. I hope the OP does this. It will help define a compatible partner. I'm going this route with a pre-nup. I make it clear I enjoyed being married and wish to protect my life's work and that a potential future spouse with a pre-nup should I get married again. A woman who is on-board with both parts enjoys one element of compatibility. I hope the OP follows through on his truth, openly.

 

Personaly full disclosure might be the wrong way to go. I by chance had this conversation with my gf and it turned into a huge fight. Its easy enough to just get the test done with out the wife or gf ever knowing.

 

When you "trust" your husband or wife, you, in your mind, accept that it is unlikely that he/she is cheating on you. However, you can never be 100% certain, unless you have that person under 24/7 video surveillance. And matters like paternity are way too important to be left to trust.

 

This is really no different from other situations where one cannot rely on trust. Before you are allowed to board a plane, you get x-rayed and have your baggage searched even though you're a law abiding citizen and have never been committed of a crime. When you write exams in university, there is always someone present in the room to make sure there's no cheating. Most people have no problem accepting that they are not trusted in these situations. So why is it so difficult to accept that a man may want absolute assurance when it comes to such a fundamentally important issue as the paternity of the kid that will spend much of the rest of his life raising and caring for?

 

The test is just so easy to do. Why do women insist on being insulted and acting like I put them under 24/7 video surveilance after a test that is less intrusive then peeing in a cup. I'm not talking about some invasive procedure while the woman is still pregnant... just talking about swabing the babies mouth one day and sending it to a lab. Probably a better idea to never let the mother know so it doesn't bother her mythical ideal of trust.

 

Would find it hurtful and insulting if my hypothetical husband asked me to get a paternity test.

 

How would you guys like it if everytime you went out your wife/gf thought you were going to cheat on her and asked you to do an STD test?

 

The thing is, if a wife was having problems and a doctor sugested and STD test... she would get one. And if she wasn't cheating she would know exactly who gave it to her.

 

Seriously I would die for my gf in an instant. I would put myself in the face of total destruction to protect her. And for her to say all my trust boils down to a paternity test is silly. It doesn't even show if she was cheating or not, all it shows is if the kid is mine (which yes can show cheating in the situation where it isnt)

 

That's a good way to do it, by being clear about your pre-nup needs. We also agreed on a prenup, albeit without the pat test part, but ended up with a post-nup, due to Bump. If H. had suggested it previous to Bump existing, as part of a generic non-personal prenup, it's possible I might have been okay with it. But now that Bump exists, it would bother me greatly.

 

Say it was part of a discussion about prenups in general, even before a proposal, just during dating, then most def. I would be okay with it, since it's a good way to expectation manage.

 

I'm getting a little confused... so you would be ok with paternity tests being discussed early in the relationship before marriage?

 

First marriage full price.

Second marriage half-off

Paternity and STD tests galore - priceless.

 

If I worked on SNL I'd bring you in to direct this skit.

 

My ex H actually did this with our first child, just to be an asshat. There was no chance the baby was not his, he just wanted to be a jerk, I think. While it did not ruin my marriage in that moment, it weighed heavily and I never forgot about it, ever.

 

I personaly don't want to be an a$$. That is why I almost think I should never talk about it again. I could always just do it secret and never tell anyone.

[threebyfate]

I'm getting a little confused... so you would be ok with paternity tests being discussed early in the relationship before marriage?

As we discussed our generic views about prenups while dating, this would have fit nicely into that discussion and wouldn't have bothered me at the time. But say H. were to ask me now, since Bump is on his way, in essence, he would be insulting me, intimating that he doesn't trust that I wouldn't cheat.

 

Green, if out of the blue, your girlfriend asks you to give her your cellphone and full access to your computer, so she can check to see if you've been cheating on her, how would you react?

[carhill]

Personaly full disclosure might be the wrong way to go. I by chance had this conversation with my gf and it turned into a huge fight. Its easy enough to just get the test done with out the wife or gf ever knowing.

 

You set the tone for the relationship dynamic with your actions and words. Would a similarly-minded (secretive) partner be compatible? Unknown. I've seen secrets destroy relationships and marriages, including my own. Think it through. Good luck

[Jersey Shortie]

The thing is, if a wife was having problems and a doctor sugested and STD test... she would get one. And if she wasn't cheating she would know exactly who gave it to her.

 

Seriously I would die for my gf in an instant. I would put myself in the face of total destruction to protect her. And for her to say all my trust boils down to a paternity test is silly. It doesn't even show if she was cheating or not, all it shows is if the kid is mine (which yes can show cheating in the situation where it isnt)

 

Actually, you are the one saying your trust boils down to a paternity test since your the one requesting it.

 

Why does a woman have to wait until she gets an STD before she asks her boyfriend/husband to get tested? Both men and women cheat but men are known for cheating more then women. Wouldn't it behove women to ask their man to get yearly STD tests to make sure he isn't picking up anything on the side? If men can ask women for paternity tests, isn't it fair for women to ask men for STD tests? Sounds fair to me. Men can ask for paternity tests, and women can ask for STD tests and neither party should be offended. After all, it's a big world out there and we all need to just protect our self interests. A man's self interest isn't worth more then a woman's is it?

[donnamaybe]

No, a woman like this wouldn't be ok with it. A woman who was confident wouldn't turn a little test into such a big deal. The woman you describe is unconfident.

 

A "little test?!" You're KIDDING, right?! For a man to tell the women who has loved him with her whole heart and given all she is to him and never looked at another man with lust in her mind, "I think you've been screwing some other guy" is NOT "a little test." It is a statement about HER as a person; as a partner. Any woman who would put up with being treated that way would be a useless doormat.

[blind_otter]

Meh, I don't care either way, actually. I know who my kid's father is, so if he wanted a paternity test I would be OK with it. As long as he paid for it, don't ask me to pay half. I don't think I'm a useless doormat. Perhaps I am less romantic and a little more pragmatic and deflated now, than some ladies.

 

I remember my son's father joking about it at one point, and I flatly agreed without looking up from what I was doing, and he was shocked that I so readily agreed to something he thought was ludicrous to the point of being joke-worthy.

 

That being said, I think it should only be an issue if there is custody stuff or child support in question, as when the partnership has dissolved. I only say this because I know this guy who paid child support for 3 years to a kid that wasn't his. I guess the mother ended up getting back together with the real father and then it all came out...

 

But he never got all the $ he paid for 3 years back.

[donnamaybe]

But this question was posed as in DURING a good relationship where no cheating is suspected. BIG difference. You would seriously be okay with your other half basically accusing you to that extent of screwing around on him when you haven't? I certainly wouldn't.

[single-n-lonely]

Amen, Donnamaybe!

 

Should the U.S. search every innocent country in the world for weapons of mass destruction, even if we dont suspect they have any? "Just for safeguarding"?

 

if we did invade other countries just to be on the 'safe side' dont you think it would ruin our relationship with those countries? they would think we are unfriendly and dont trust them. since they never did anything wrong, they would hate us for it.

 

the women who refuse such a stupid unwarranted test are NOT unconfident. YOU are the one who lacks confidence if you are afraid someone who loves you and is good to you will cheat on you for no reason.

[nowomanocry]

well, I am not gona get into the moral side of the paternity test, wot it does to the relationship etc.

 

I will give you a true life ex. that I lived thru. Have a gurl mate, we are very close with each other. She broke with her partner and started a new relationship with some other bloke. She never saw her ex again. After a while she had a baby a short while after her relationship started with the new bf. There was a time span when she was both in contact with her ex and the new bloke.

 

the new bloke took her to the hospital and signed his name for registration. Soooo... she had a beautiful daughter who just looked like the new bloke (face, hair colour, eyes etc). After a while, when the kid was 5 the ex took her to court claiming he is her father....

 

you know wot happened in the end? according to test the ex was her real daddy. I swear the baby just looked like the new bloke and she was so sure she was his....

 

In addition, I have also come across cases where in the hospitals the kids born got mixed and went to wrong families. I have read loads of cases reporting these types of mistakes made at the hospitals.

[single-n-lonely]

Nowomannocry,

 

im not arguing that there is never a time and a place for a paternity test. it depends on the situation of course.

 

but if you are in a long standing committed relationship and have been exclusive for an amount of time where it is impossible for it to be someone else unless you CHEATED, then it is trust issue.

 

if its like that case you described, its different because of the time frame that she dumped her ex and got pregnant.

[Green]

As we discussed our generic views about prenups while dating, this would have fit nicely into that discussion and wouldn't have bothered me at the time. But say H. were to ask me now, since Bump is on his way, in essence, he would be insulting me, intimating that he doesn't trust that I wouldn't cheat.

 

Green, if out of the blue, your girlfriend asks you to give her your cellphone and full access to your computer, so she can check to see if you've been cheating on her, how would you react?

 

If she was really suspicious of something I would let her look on my CPU or Cell phone. This would quickly get annoying if it were a regular thing.

 

The baby would be just as much mine as hers. I don't compare it to snooping through a cell phone. Nothing private to be found accept the paternity of the baby.

 

You set the tone for the relationship dynamic with your actions and words. Would a similarly-minded (secretive) partner be compatible? Unknown. I've seen secrets destroy relationships and marriages, including my own. Think it through. Good luck

 

Its not about being secretive. Its about doing what i want without insulting some subjective definition of trust. Its about not insulting a woman.

 

What if I decided to get an STD test two years into seeing a girl, should I tell that girl I got an STD test? Should I push that in her face, couldn't it only cause problems? I'm not saying I would do this, but I'm just using it as an example.

 

Actually, you are the one saying your trust boils down to a paternity test since your the one requesting it.

 

Why does a woman have to wait until she gets an STD before she asks her boyfriend/husband to get tested? Both men and women cheat but men are known for cheating more then women. Wouldn't it behove women to ask their man to get yearly STD tests to make sure he isn't picking up anything on the side? If men can ask women for paternity tests, isn't it fair for women to ask men for STD tests? Sounds fair to me. Men can ask for paternity tests, and women can ask for STD tests and neither party should be offended. After all, it's a big world out there and we all need to just protect our self interests. A man's self interest isn't worth more then a woman's is it?

 

some would say women are known for cheating. I just think its easy to act offeneded by every thing a person does that puts any overseight on something.

 

A "little test?!" You're KIDDING, right?! For a man to tell the women who has loved him with her whole heart and given all she is to him and never looked at another man with lust in her mind, "I think you've been screwing some other guy" is NOT "a little test." It is a statement about HER as a person; as a partner. Any woman who would put up with being treated that way would be a useless doormat.

 

No, I'm saying I want the test just as policy. I wouldn't say "I think you cheated" or anything else. Seriously, if your married it won't even matter. The court will still make you pay child suport ect. Women have all the power when it comes to pregnancy, they can abort or give their baby up for adoption with out any consent from a man. Alot of trust is needed, and a paternity test doesn't erase that. I find it sill that so many women would be so offened by this. Its so easy to get a paternity test I'm sure many men have just done it without any one ever finding out any ways.

 

Meh, I don't care either way, actually. I know who my kid's father is, so if he wanted a paternity test I would be OK with it. As long as he paid for it, don't ask me to pay half. I don't think I'm a useless doormat. Perhaps I am less romantic and a little more pragmatic and deflated now, than some ladies.

 

I remember my son's father joking about it at one point, and I flatly agreed without looking up from what I was doing, and he was shocked that I so readily agreed to something he thought was ludicrous to the point of being joke-worthy.

 

That being said, I think it should only be an issue if there is custody stuff or child support in question, as when the partnership has dissolved. I only say this because I know this guy who paid child support for 3 years to a kid that wasn't his. I guess the mother ended up getting back together with the real father and then it all came out...

 

But he never got all the $ he paid for 3 years back.

 

Wow, I almost have to read this post twice. You are great.

 

But this question was posed as in DURING a good relationship where no cheating is suspected. BIG difference. You would seriously be okay with your other half basically accusing you to that extent of screwing around on him when you haven't? I certainly wouldn't.

 

People get cheated on and have no idea all the time.

 

Amen, Donnamaybe!

 

Should the U.S. search every innocent country in the world for weapons of mass destruction, even if we dont suspect they have any? "Just for safeguarding"?

 

if we did invade other countries just to be on the 'safe side' dont you think it would ruin our relationship with those countries? they would think we are unfriendly and dont trust them. since they never did anything wrong, they would hate us for it.

 

the women who refuse such a stupid unwarranted test are NOT unconfident. YOU are the one who lacks confidence if you are afraid someone who loves you and is good to you will cheat on you for no reason.

 

Your example is way off. The women don't even have to refuse the test, or even be asked... Im just talking about women being offended by it.

 

well, I am not gona get into the moral side of the paternity test, wot it does to the relationship etc.

 

I will give you a true life ex. that I lived thru. Have a gurl mate, we are very close with each other. She broke with her partner and started a new relationship with some other bloke. She never saw her ex again. After a while she had a baby a short while after her relationship started with the new bf. There was a time span when she was both in contact with her ex and the new bloke.

 

the new bloke took her to the hospital and signed his name for registration. Soooo... she had a beautiful daughter who just looked like the new bloke (face, hair colour, eyes etc). After a while, when the kid was 5 the ex took her to court claiming he is her father....

 

you know wot happened in the end? according to test the ex was her real daddy. I swear the baby just looked like the new bloke and she was so sure she was his....

 

In addition, I have also come across cases where in the hospitals the kids born got mixed and went to wrong families. I have read loads of cases reporting these types of mistakes made at the hospitals.

 

I said the hospital mix up thing to my gf, she didn't care. She actually said stuff like that doesn't happen in real life.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I can understand a man wanting a paternity test, but don't claim it isn't an issue of your gf/wife cheating.

 

Scenario 1

Lets say a husband, a wife, and a FREE paternity lab exist on a deserted island. The paternity lab is operated by sophisticated robots. There are no animals or other humans on the island. The woman becomes pregnant. Will the man want to get a paternity test at the FREE lab? No, because he knows he is the only possible father.

 

Scenario 2

Two years pass, everything is the same EXCEPT a few weeks ago a heterosexual man washed up on the shore. The woman becomes pregnant. Will the husband want to get a paternity test at the FREE lab?

 

Just don't claim it isn't about the woman cheating.

 

Don't expect the gf/wife to not be forever wounded by such a request.

[single-n-lonely]

My example is not off at all, you are just unable to see how it fits.

 

"No, I'm saying I want the test just as policy"

 

What if the US wants to search other countries "just as a policy"?

 

The question is WHY does that policy need to be put in place? Because of all the bad countries that DO have weapons of mass destruction? because of all the women out there who DO cheat?

 

that doesnt matter to the countries and the women who dont do bad things. You are generalizing. Why should an honest, loyal woman follow a policy that was put in place because of all the cheating women out there if shes not like that? thats like saying everyone who drives should take a DUI class "as policy" even if they dont drink!

 

Of course women are offended by it! the honest women who dont cheat see no need for it.

 

honest men who trust honest women dont feel the need for such a 'policy' either. You dont understand what trust is

 

Ive been cheated on many times but i will not ASSUME that future boyfriends are cheaters too. i will judge them for the actions they make, not the actions my exes made. if you meet someone you trust wholeheartedly, you would not even consider that 'policy' because there would be no need if you have no doubt in your mind

 

You are insecure.

[donnamaybe]

No, I'm saying I want the test just as policy. I wouldn't say "I think you cheated" or anything else.

 

By demanding the test, you would be saying just that.