Are Paternity Tests Insulting?

[Mr White]

Using your gut instincts as a starting point to find out more - fine, trusting nothing but your gut - foolish.

 

I don't quite understand what you're saying here but there's a bigger issue here than this topic itself, as there almost always is with most topics here. It's all about communication, healthy communication and with some here, I'm simply not seeing it, be it the guys trying to run roughshod or the girls being a lot more staunch than need be.

 

 

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Yep, neither is healthy, unless of course we're talking about the select few with a God complex.

[Mr White]

As

Having said all that, IF my husband ever, ever kickstarts the alarm bells on my gut instincts, rest assured I would slap a PI on him so fast, his head would spin. And yes, he knows this too. IF I'm wrong about his cheating, I don't expect him to forgive me and fully expect to bear the consequences of my actions for ruining a perfectly good marriage.

 

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To paraphrase, "If my husband ever deviates from my very specific and ridiculously rigid ideas of how one behaves in a marriage, I'll unleash an armaggedon on him" :rolleyes:

 

I'd feel sorry for the poor shmuck if he didn't walk into this willingly.

Not seeing the grey areas, or being incapable or unwilling to emphatize and communicat is one of the symptoms of psychopatic disorders.

[Green]

I didn't call you a lying sneak. I asked if it was okay to AO if you became a lying sneak.

Going a head and doing it behind her back will make you a lying sneak. It is up to you if that is what you want your first act as a father to be.

 

Personaly I hear all your arguments. They make perfect sense. It really isn't that romantic to get a paternity test. I have no problem understanding why women would find it offensive. I also have no problem taking the risk of getting caught and doing a secret paternity test to make myself happy and the woman happy. Ignorance is bliss, I don't expect you to agree with this.

 

Personaly, I trust my gf. I also trust that if my gf was cheating on me, I might have zero idea and still go on trusting her. This alone is enough for me to make the policy that I have. The fact is if my gf were in trouble I would risk my life for her, I wouldn't sit there and think hmmm could she be cheating on me... but when I have a kid I just want to make sure it is mine. I had a fight with my gf on this subject, I will never talk about it with her again. There have been enough days and sex since the fight that I think things will go on just fine. If we get pregnant one day I will not bring this back up. If she brings this up I will say the same line I said when the fight ended "I'm not talking about this anymore." If I get a test I'm not putting it in her face or letting her know about it. If she asks I'll just say "I'm not talking about this."

 

If she didn't dump me now when she easily could (not married and no kids) I doubt she will dump me because of this specific issue when we do have kids and are married.

 

The fact of the matter is I would be there for her if she needed me. I really try to be there for all my friends and family... Not that I would completely trust my friends or family.

 

Like if my brother came to me wanting me to co-sign for his car. I love my brother... I do trust him... would do anything for him... But I'm not going to put myself because of policy in a position to cosign... In fact because of policy I would only lend money to friends and family if I was ok with never getting paid back. Just another policy for safety.

[FryFish]

Ok, even jerseyshorties low estimate of 3% is INCREDIBLY HIGH for the issue at hand. So we have anywhere from 3-30 % of "fathers" are unknowingly raising somebody elses child.

 

Why are you women so offended at the idea of having one more way of proving your fidelity to your husbands? Do you not ever ask that your man prove his fidelity?

 

Why are you so offended at the idea that a guy can be in a completely trusting relationship and still want a paternity test as a matter of policy simply based on the large amount of paternity fraud that is going on?

 

We ALL know someone who has cheated or been cheated on... Most of us probably know someone who is CURRENTLY in one of those catagories... Cheating is very common place for both sexes. So is not getting caught.

 

So ThreebyFate, I will take you at your word that you have never cheated and in fact find it despicable. Are you seriously going to say that if your SO came to you tonight and said:

"Look, I love you, and I do completely trust you. And I know that you arent going to like what I am about to ask... but please understand that I have been cheated on in the past and I was the last person to find out about it and I mean... there are statistics that say that anywhere from 1 in 30 to 1 in 3 fathers are unknowingly raising somebody elses kids... I just want to know that my love and trust for you isnt misplaced... I mean, I do honestly believe that you are faithful but I really want to know... Can we get a paternity test on little third by fate?"...

 

that you would rather walk than simply reassure him?

[Green]

 

that you would rather walk than simply reassure him?

 

Hypotheticaly she is going to tell you yes, I doubt she would..

[sally4sara]

Ok, even jerseyshorties low estimate of 3% is INCREDIBLY HIGH for the issue at hand. So we have anywhere from 3-30 % of "fathers" are unknowingly raising somebody elses child.

 

While I can find distaste for a woman duping a guy into taking the responsibility of a child he only thinks is his, I am also sort of stunned that it is thought of as the ruination of him. this is probably the thought of men who have yet to have children.

 

For instance, my husband knows damn well the boy we are raising isn't genetically his. We met when my son was in second grade.

He IS the kid's father. He does far more as a father than my ex ever did or seems capable of ever doing. My ex is a mess.

My husband loves the boy, enjoys the boy, teaches him new things every chance he gets. My ex MIL comes to visit us and has told my husband she thanks her god for him and the relationship we all have.

Believe it or not, there are far worse things than to have a kid not of your genes call you Dad.

[FryFish]

Believe it or not, there are far worse things than to have a kid not of your genes call you Dad.

Ya, I love my stepdad too... But that is not the topic.

 

edit: there is a HUGE difference between being a stepdad and being a cuckold.

[Green]

While I can find distaste for a woman duping a guy into taking the responsibility of a child he only thinks is his, I am also sort of stunned that it is thought of as the ruination of him. this is probably the thought of men who have yet to have children.

 

For instance, my husband knows damn well the boy we are raising isn't genetically his. We met when my son was in second grade.

He IS the kid's father. He does far more as a father than my ex ever did or seems capable of ever doing. My ex is a mess.

My husband loves the boy, enjoys the boy, teaches him new things every chance he gets. My ex MIL comes to visit us and has told my husband she thanks her god for him and the relationship we all have.

Believe it or not, there are far worse things than to have a kid not of your genes call you Dad.

 

Thats great for you and your family. Marrying a woman who already has kids is a very different situation then thinking a kid is yours, who in actuality is not. We all seem to agree it happens, we just can't seem to agree on the best way of preventing it. I personaly think a policy decision to test no matter what is advisable, because how can I be so bold to think I would spot a cheater... when so many don't. In the end the paternity test will only spot cheating if the baby isn't the intended fathers. It doesn't catch all cheating of course... only cheating resulting in babies.

[calizaggy]

Believe it or not, there are far worse things than to have a kid not of your genes call you Dad.

 

 

For many women this is what it boils down to.. The man should love the woman and child regardless of whom the father is..

 

I would like to ask the women...

 

If your husband leaves his email open will you peak? Perhaps read his text messages? If he finds out is that grounds for him to leave you as you did not trust him 100%?

[Green]

For many women this is what it boils down to.. The man should love the woman and child regardless of whom the father is..

 

I would like to ask the women...

 

If your husband leaves his email open will you peak? Perhaps read his text messages? If he finds out is that grounds for him to leave you as you did not trust him 100%?

 

it would be silly for a guy to leave a girl he is in love with just because she went through his emails. Personaly I would say a paternity test is less insulting then going through some ones private emails... I mean its more like asking your SO where they are going and then independently confirming that they did indeed do what they said.

[Mr White]

While I can find distaste for a woman duping a guy into taking the responsibility of a child he only thinks is his, I am also sort of stunned that it is thought of as the ruination of him. this is probably the thought of men who have yet to have children.

 

For instance, my husband knows damn well the boy we are raising isn't genetically his. We met when my son was in second grade.

He IS the kid's father. He does far more as a father than my ex ever did or seems capable of ever doing. My ex is a mess.

My husband loves the boy, enjoys the boy, teaches him new things every chance he gets. My ex MIL comes to visit us and has told my husband she thanks her god for him and the relationship we all have.

Believe it or not, there are far worse things than to have a kid not of your genes call you Dad.

 

 

Un-****in-believable. You single-handedly solidified thousands' of men's distrust of women insofar that your post blatantly shows the attitude men resent: "I'm in charge of reproduction. Deal with it. All other concerns, including the possible violation of your trust, are secondary".

 

There is an enormous difference between being a step dad and being duped into believing that the kid is yours, but apparently to you an many other women this is not significant enough to even be a topic of concern and conversation.

[Green]

Un-****in-believable. You single-handedly solidified thousands' of men's distrust of women insofar that your post blatantly shows the attitude men resent: "I'm in charge of reproduction. Deal with it. All other concerns, including the possible violation of your trust, are secondary".

 

There is an enormous difference between being a step dad and being duped into believing that the kid is yours, but apparently to you an many other women this is not significant enough to even be a topic of concern and conversation.

 

I don't think she meant it that way. But after reading your post, and then her post again... yeah it comes off as if she is saying exactly that... and its pretty bold BS thing she has said in her post.

[Jersey Shortie]

Ok, even jerseyshorties low estimate of 3% is INCREDIBLY HIGH for the issue at hand. So we have anywhere from 3-30 % of "fathers" are unknowingly raising somebody elses child.

 

I think it's safe to say if it happens once, it's too many times. No matter the rate. However, how many men have made children with other women behind their own woman's back? Do we have rates on that? How can women go about testing men to ensure he doesn't have children by other women? She could be putting herself in an equally unsafe economic situation where a man will have less for her and the child and will have to give to another woman's child. If men want to ensure their baby is theres, how do we ensure that a man isn't having children with other women?

 

Why are you women so offended at the idea of having one more way of proving your fidelity to your husbands? Do you not ever ask that your man prove his fidelity?

 

What woman do you know asked her man to prove his fidelity with a DNA test?

 

Why are you so offended at the idea that a guy can be in a completely trusting relationship and still want a paternity test as a matter of policy simply based on the large amount of paternity fraud that is going on?

 

There is no such thing as a man being completely trusting in a relationship AND asking for a paternity test. Lets not kid ourselves here. He either trusts her or he doesn't. And if he asks for a paternity test, he doesn't. Don't expect that lack of trust to not come with it's own reprocussions in the relationship. Be prepared to take what you give. You give a lack of trust, you get a lack of love. That's life.

 

As for large amounts of paternity fraud...that's not even true.

 

 

We ALL know someone who has cheated or been cheated on... Most of us probably know someone who is CURRENTLY in one of those catagories... Cheating is very common place for both sexes. So is not getting caught.

 

Okay, then everyone should be taking test to ensure that they are not cheating on their partner. Men included. What test to you suggest men take to prove their worth to their women?

 

 

..that you would rather walk than simply reassure him?

 

There is a difference between reassuring someone and asking them to take a test to prove their worth. If you can't see why this breaks the foundation of a relationship for some, then I don't know what to tell you.

[threebyfate]

So ThreebyFate, I will take you at your word that you have never cheated and in fact find it despicable. Are you seriously going to say that if your SO came to you tonight and said:

"Look, I love you, and I do completely trust you. And I know that you arent going to like what I am about to ask... but please understand that I have been cheated on in the past and I was the last person to find out about it and I mean... there are statistics that say that anywhere from 1 in 30 to 1 in 3 fathers are unknowingly raising somebody elses kids... I just want to know that my love and trust for you isnt misplaced... I mean, I do honestly believe that you are faithful but I really want to know... Can we get a paternity test on little third by fate?"...

 

that you would rather walk than simply reassure him?

Straight up, I'd call b/s on him for completely trusting me. Then I would say that if he believed that I would cheat on him, we're done and btw, he doesn't need to support any child that he doesn't 100% believe is his. Sayonara.

[Peter Attis]

I'd think that getting that defensive about it would make it seem MORE likely to him that you were cheating.

[threebyfate]

I'd think that getting that defensive about it would make it seem MORE likely to him that you were cheating.

Who am I to dissuade his distrust? He's welcome to believe what he wants to believe but I'm welcome to take any action I believe, which would be to raise MY child without him.

[anne1707]

Who am I to dissuade his distrust? He's welcome to believe what he wants to believe but I'm welcome to take any action I believe, which would be to raise MY child without him.

 

But according to you, it would be HIS child too

[Peter Attis]

All I'm saying is, to most people, getting that defensive is an admission of guilt.

[threebyfate]

All I'm saying is, to most people, getting that defensive is an admission of guilt.

That's moot to me. I don't need to prove that I didn't cheat. He's welcome to believe what he wants to believe, at this point. But if it came down to this, he wouldn't be part of the birth certificate. Father: Unknown.

[Peter Attis]

So you would purposely deny your child a father out of spite?

[threebyfate]

So you would purposely deny your child a father out of spite?

I would purposely prevent MY child from having exposure to an untrusting man. Lord knows what other phobias or insecurities, MY child would be exposed to, from someone like this.

[Peter Attis]

That seems extremely petty.

 

Not to mention the fact that if you're so sure that he's the father, it's not just YOUR child. It's BOTH of yours.

[threebyfate]

That seems extremely petty.

No, it's the maternal protective instincts. I would hate MY son, to be raised by a man like that.

[threebyfate]

Not to mention the fact that if you're so sure that he's the father, it's not just YOUR child. It's BOTH of yours.

A biological father is not necessarily a father. If you believe this, you'll also believe that a pedophile should be allowed to get to know their children. No child deserves to be raised in an untrusting, abusive or toxic environment.

[Peter Attis]

A man like WHAT? You act like he's a serial rapist just because he asked for a paternity test.