Are Paternity Tests Insulting?

[A O]

Well, no doubt it's about insecurities, but it all sources from trust issues.

With my biggest point being - its not necessarily about you! Even though you're involved, it can mean that the issue is more about me than you - more about my issues rather than whether I trust you or not. There's room for more than one position here basically.

 

You didn't answer my question about your mother.

Don't need to, think I've made my position clear enough.

 

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[Woggle]

I am glad some women on here think female cheaters are just as bad as male cheaters because away from here I just see them high fiving other women that cheat. They very much support it.

[threebyfate]

With my biggest point being - its not necessarily about you! Even though you're involved, it can mean that the issue is more about me than you - more about my issues rather than whether I trust you or not. There's room for more than one position here basically.

Okay, so what you're saying is that due to these insecurities, instead of conquering your trust issues, you're using bandaid solutions to do so. That to me is a big, red flag, since these trust issues can crop up during any and all future interactions. So what happens the next time you have trust issues, triggered by insecurities? Will I then once again, have to pay the price? What will be my future price to pay?

 

Don't need to, think I've made my position clear enough.

That's because your answer won't support your position.

[A O]

Okay, so what you're saying is that due to these insecurities, instead of conquering your trust issues, you're using bandaid solutions to do so.

What I am saying is that there's more than one side here and used fairly typical behavior to underpin another possible scenario.

 

Bottom line is - does asking for a test automatically mean that I don't trust you. Simple answer is no.

 

That's because your answer won't support your position.

The less I say the better I reckon, henceforth, if I believe that I've made my point already, then I won't bother carrying on.

 

 

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[sweetjasmine]

What I am saying is that there's more than one side here and used fairly typical behavior to underpin another possible scenario.

 

Bottom line is - does asking for a test automatically mean that I don't trust you. Simple answer is no.

 

Regardless of your intentions, your partner will most likely take it as a sign that you don't trust them. Even if you do trust them.

[sally4sara]

With my biggest point being - its not necessarily about you! Even though you're involved, it can mean that the issue is more about me than you - more about my issues rather than whether I trust you or not. There's room for more than one position here basically.

 

Don't need to, think I've made my position clear enough.

 

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There is no way for it to not be about the mother's when it is her honesty being checked. Are you saying perhaps it is immaculate conception and you just want proof of impending second coming?

 

I want a paternity test because:

1. I think it be baby Jebus

2. I think your spontaneously got yourself pregnant

3. I think it is some other man's kid and you cheated

 

About the only outside option I could see is if your swimmers are slow and you did the artificial insemination route and now just want to make sure they used the right sperm. So....who here has the slow swimmers and just doesn't want to admit? Which would still be about YOUR insecurities and lack of trust in the doctors.

[A O]

Regardless of your intentions, your partner will most likely take it as a sign that you don't trust them. Even if you do trust them.

Of course, but like most relationship differences, it all boils down to sound communication, explaining one's position and seeing if things can be worked through.

 

There is no way for it to not be about the mother's when it is her honesty being checked. Are you saying perhaps it is immaculate conception and you just want proof of impending second coming?

If I explain my position well enough, she'll soon realize that its not about her, that its not about whether I trust her or not. The job for me here is to explain that its my issue, whatever that issue maybe.

 

 

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[Rhythmic]

 

If I explain my position well enough, she'll soon realize that its not about her, that its not about whether I trust her or not. The job for me here is to explain that its my issue, whatever that issue maybe.

 

 

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They will never understand that it isn't about them and that it is about you. As evident that they also believe even getting checked for stds means you have trust issues. Think about that. You are trying to reason with people who believe making sure your own body is free of diseases comes only from trust issues.

[sally4sara]

Of course, but like most relationship differences, it all boils down to sound communication, explaining one's position and seeing if things can be worked through.

 

 

If I explain my position well enough, she'll soon realize that its not about her, that its not about whether I trust her or not. The job for me here is to explain that its my issue, whatever that issue maybe.

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Good luck; you can't even explain to us how it isn't about her fidelity.

[sally4sara]

They will never understand that it isn't about them and that it is about you. As evident that they also believe even getting checked for stds means you have trust issues. Think about that. You are trying to reason with people who believe making sure your own body is free of diseases comes only from trust issues.

 

Getting tested for stds is about the possible consequences of YOUR OWN actions.

 

Asking for a paternity test is about protecting yourself from the consequences of SOMEONE ELSE'S actions. How is that not about them when it is their actions as the motivator? "Oops O accidentally impregnanted you with some other guy's sperm"?!?

[Rhythmic]

Reasons for that has been gone over multiple times already by multiple guys.

[sweetjasmine]

They will never understand that it isn't about them and that it is about you.

 

 

How is it not about the other person? It's her body you're talking about.

 

Again, there are only three possibilities:

(1) it's your baby

(2) it's someone else's baby, and your partner is lying to you

(3) it's someone else's baby, but your partner got impregnated by another man without her having slept with anyone else or knowing how it even happened

 

You are trying to reason with people who believe making sure your own body is free of diseases comes only from trust issues.

 

Nope. No one in this thread said that STD tests come only from trust issues, and some of us have said that it's definitely not the case. Getting an STD test is often a matter of simple healthcare. Even a loyal partner who has only ever had safe sex within the confines of a serious relationship can be carrying something without knowing it.

 

And how does a pregnancy in a woman's body affect YOUR body? The two situations aren't equivalent. Stop trying to force the analogy. It doesn't work.

 

But again, if you were with your spouse for 15 years and they were faithful the whole time and they came up to you one day and demanded an STD test, what would you think?

Edited March 6, 2010 by sweetjasmine

[A O]

They will never understand that it isn't about them and that it is about you.

That's Ok, least you got me thinking and I'm sure I'm not the only one on that score.

 

Good luck; you can't even explain to us how it isn't about her fidelity.

True, primarily because I'm not seeing it as a fidelity issue. I understand the need that some people have for reassurance, for piece of mind. I understand even more though that most people see this as a slight against them, as a trust-buster. One could argue that this is an opportunity to see how secure they are too!

 

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[Rhythmic]

 

 

Nope. No one in this thread said that STD tests come only from trust issues,

 

Sally did. she bolded this part of my post. Check what I underlined specifically please.

Thus, Getting an std test means I don't fully trust the girls I slept with and getting a paternity test means I don't full trust my wife? This is how you are saying this all works right? There is no possible other reason right?

 

she answered

 

Yup, that is what I am saying.

 

 

So yes. Somebody has said that. Nobody has confronted her about it which I take as approval from the other women.

 

 

Also. I never said they were equal situations. The fact that they aren't and yet get treated with the same answer, That they are both the same trust issues. Is what I was wondering if I suspect I would see. Wasn't proven wrong either.

Edited March 6, 2010 by Rhythmic

[Barky]

Since this thread is totally off topic now I think it should be locked. The discussion is obviously played out.

[FryFish]

I have already resolved to get any kids that "I conceive" tested to see if our dna matches. I read some pretty insane stat somewhere that something like no less than 1 in 10 fathers are unknowingly raising somebody elses kid or kids.

[troggleputty]

Yup, I'd ditch my H, if he asked for a paternity test. He either trusts me or our marriage is over.

 

LOL. You'd end your marriage simply because your husband may be highly insecure? Rather say than try to reassure him and/or suggest some marital counseling to discover why he feels so insecure, and apparently needlessly so?

 

Have you ever cheated on your husband, by the way?

[troggleputty]

What I don't know, won't hurt me. But one thing's for certain. If he decends to this level of mistrust, it will most definitely hurt him and in the process, hurt the marriage.

 

If you don't trust your partner, time to ditch them.

 

 

LOL, I think we have a lot of defensive people here, don't we?

 

If my spouse had a strange fear of airplanes or spiders, would I ditch the marriage because of that?

 

If my spouse has an irrational distrust of me, then why not try to fix the irrational distrust? "Ditching the marriage" is the kind of "running away" response which indicates that the partner falsely accused of cheating didn't really have much faith in the relationship to begin with, either.

 

Which might explain the mutual lack of trust.

 

By the way girls, what's so difficult about letting your husband take a paternity test of your children, esp. since it will demonstrate to him that the children are in fact his; he does have irrational worries; and he might need counseling for them?

 

I think anyone who would actually divorce their husband because their husband wanted a paternity test probably has a very guilty conscience.

 

So what about it gals? Why do you feel so guilty that you'd run away from the marriage just because your hubby asks for a paternity test, which you know will prove his paternity?

[troggleputty]

So you WOULD be suspecting cheating! In which case, yes, go ahead and order the paternity test(s)...and don't be surprised when your loving, faithful and devoted partner dumps you.

 

You initially asked, is it "acceptable for a husband or boyfriend who doesn’t suspect cheating to just go ahead and get a paternity test"?

 

And THAT is the question to which everyone is responding, I do believe.

 

 

No Ronni you're quite wrong. A paternity test is a logical thing to do even where the man doesn't suspect cheating precisely because cheating can go undiscovered and frequently does.

 

The people who are reacting so violently against green's suggestion of paternity testing are being needlessly and irrationally emotional. And this is cleary ego-driven.

 

"Why how dare my husband suspect me of cheating..." well, the point is he doesn't have to suspect you of cheating, for you to have cheated. In fact the better a wife is at getting away with cheating, the less suspicion the husband will have.

 

If a husband insists on a paternity test, then the wife should not take this as an insult, but rather as an indication that there is a lack of trust in the relationship, and that she is at least equally responsible for that lack of trust as is the suspicious husband.

 

But then again, it may be all those husband-less "vacations with the girlfriends" that is making the husband so suspicious. Oh so controlling, isn't he?

[troggleputty]

No, I don't. We are moving far too quickly into a society where no one has any respect for privacy, their own or anyone else's. They don't even have a concept of it. We've raises a whole generation of kids on random drug tests and random locker searches. We've trained them to be criminal suspects, not citizens.

 

The key is probable cause. If there is some genuine, credible doubt about paternity, then a test may appropriate. But widepsread, "just because" testing helps spread the toxic idea that everyone is a liar and a cheater, and no one should ever be trusted. Not a good idea.

 

Well if a wife insists on going out partying, drinking, dancing, and flirting with strange men as her womanly birthright, without her husband present, why doesn't he have a right to insist on a paternity test?

 

Why should women be able to control the husband's behavior and prevent them from getting a paternity test?

 

If a wife has the right to bump and grind on the dance floor till all hours with strange men, why doesn't the man even have the right to get a paternity test?

 

Geeze these women can be so controlling.

[troggleputty]

 

And yet, as a non-cheater, a pat test would horrify me, in that my H. believes that I would cheat on him. That I'm willing to trust him implicitly, only to find out that he distrusts me to this level, would kill our marriage.

 

Really? Something as simple as a paternity test would kill your marriage? Then it must not be a very strong marriage!

 

If you're totally innocent as you claim, then why be so defensive about it? Your h asking for a paternity test would then simply indicate you have given him some reason to feel very insecure in the relationship.

 

It's the insecurity which results in the desire for the paternity test, not the other way around as you would have it. You've reversed cause and effect.

 

The simple fact of the matter is that yes, women do cheat; yes, they do have other men's babies and claim them to be the husband's; and yes, husbands are duped to raise other men's children.

 

When women stop lying and cheating like this, then I guess we won't need paternity tests anymore.

 

By the way every single cheating wife or husband lies and claims they are not a cheater.

 

So, how is your husband supposed to know that you didn't cheat on him?

 

He really doesn't. All he can do is trust. And if he lacks trust in you, that's probably a result of some deficiency in your conduct, creating insecurity in your husband. Alternatively perhaps he has a psychological issue, which would require therapy, not divorce.

[troggleputty]

Green your OP doesn't make sense to me. If you trust someone why would you get a paternity test?

 

 

Remember, the fact that a husband might trust his wife has no bearing on whether or not she cheated on him!

 

People who trust their spouses get cheated on all the time.

 

The only way to know for a fact whether the child is the husband's is to have a paternity test. That's why the law requires it in the event of a dispute.

 

In any event, why are wives so controlling? If the husband wants a paternity test, isn't it his absolute legal right to get one?

 

If the wife feels that the husband's desire for such a test indicates a lack of trust in the wife, then obviously the wife's behavior is causing that lack of trust, and she needs to "shape up" in that department.

[FryFish]

Something like 60% of both sexes will anonymously admit to cheating... That means that the chances that any individual is in in a totally non cheating relationship is only 16% In 84% of relationships one or both parties are cheating. Now I KNOW that much less than 84% of relationships have a person who actually suspects cheating. The numbers are staggering but its the same "not me" mentality that teen drivers have about getting in a wreck.

 

Getting a paternity test just makes sense when you look at the numbers... Even in a completely trusting relationship.

[troggleputty]

My ex H actually did this with our first child, just to be an asshat. There was no chance the baby was not his, he just wanted to be a jerk, I think. While it did not ruin my marriage in that moment, it weighed heavily and I never forgot about it, ever.

 

 

It's unlikely he did it just to be an asshat. Paternity tests cost money, after all. Even if only $100 or $200. Why waste the money?

 

Obviously your ex husband did not trust you.

 

The question is what did you do in your marriage to create a lack of trust in your husband?

 

Be honest now.

[troggleputty]

Then he might as well never have a child, because if he is insistent on a paternity test, he'll wind up paying support and seeing his child every other weekend, alternating holidays, and part of summer vacation.

 

 

A woman who reacts so defensively to a paternity test is hiding something.

 

It might not necessarily be an OM's child. But it's probably at least guilt about some type of inappropriate behavior.

 

If you think your husband requesting a paternity test is an insult to you, then examine your own behavior and try to determine what about that behavior has created such a lack of trust in your spouse.