onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 ok, here's the situation, I am in college. I am dating a girl still in hs....don't judge that, I just need advice on the situation. This girl I'm dating, recently had a convo with a next door neighboor. Her next door neighboor is 22 and female, and she told my girl that she has been with her hs sweetheart for 6 yrs. But she regrets not getting to "live up" her boy crazy hs days. And not getting to test the waters and make sure he was right for her. So that got my gf thinking. And she wants freedom now....not so much exclusiveness. But she also doesn't wanna give up what she has with me, cuz she loves me. I love her to death, I mean she is most likely the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with, but of course she doesn't know that yet. But how do I give her the love she wants from me, while giving her the freedom she also wants? I mean she'll prolly come back to me....I'm 99% sure she will. But I don't even want to think of her messing around with another guy, much less the potential to be there. I know, I know, if you love it, let it go, if it comes back to you, it's yours....but damn, I don't want to let her go freely....I'm not...not bc she wants to be free and have me be exclusive, but bc I don't want to....I don't want any other girl in this world....need some help...any would be appreciated! Jay Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Have some balls. Tell her if she wants to see other people, she can kiss your ass goodbye. If she doesn't stay, she's not worth crying over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 yea, if the situation was diff I would....but she's still in hs, w/ alot to experience...I don't want her to miss out on that and have her feel like she's tied down, ect. And I don't want her to regret a minute with me. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by onebadwhiteboy69 yea, if the situation was diff I would....but she's still in hs, w/ alot to experience...I don't want her to miss out on that and have her feel like she's tied down, ect. And I don't want her to regret a minute with me. Again, balls. She's in a relationship with you, I don't care if she's in the sixth grade (well, yes I do, but for other reasons), the only healthy way for her to experience other people is if she ends the relationship with you. It sounds like that's what she's pushin for anyway, yeah? Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 True indeed, from talking to some of my girl-friends...I think this will be my course of action tomorrow....I'm gonna let her have her space....but she won't have me in the meantime...no having her cake and eating it too! So I'm just gonna profess (again) how much I feel for her, and how I really love her, and how she'll never find someone that loves her as much as I do right now. But she's gonna need to find out her feelings. And when she does find her feelings, she knows the number Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by onebadwhiteboy69 True indeed, from talking to some of my girl-friends...I think this will be my course of action tomorrow....I'm gonna let her have her space....but she won't have me in the meantime...no having her cake and eating it too! So I'm just gonna profess (again) how much I feel for her, and how I really love her, and how she'll never find someone that loves her as much as I do right now. But she's gonna need to find out her feelings. And when she does find her feelings, she knows the number NO! That's not balls, that's "you've got me by the balls". Women perceive things differently then men. You are basically telling her "I LOVE YOU! YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE LIKE ME! But go ahead and try, and I'll sit by the phone and wait for you" Don't be pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 but she does have me by the balls...I'm in love with her, and I don't mind her having me by the balls a lil. But if she thinks I'm gonna sit around and mope till she calls me, she's got another thing coming, and that message will be relayed to her. Also I would like more responses/advice from anyone! Diff perspectives can't hurt! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Okay, I'll resign. You aren't going to take my advice, so I'm not going to offer anymore. Except this: You're in love with her. She wants to "see what else is out there" She's got you by the balls. Do you see how you are not the least bit attractive to her? She's already won you, if you don't make some challenging move now, you're going to lose her, for good. Feel free to disagree with me, but I'm a bit less delusional, and a bit more objective, than you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 I'm very attractive to her....she's in love with me too! It's not really that she wants to "see what else is out there" it's that she just wants the freedom to experience her hs days and not be worried bout what I would think all the time. She really loves me, she's put up with enough of my bs and still been there strong for me. She still wants me, and doesn't wanna loose what she has with me....I did what you said, that was actually my first response, and then I called back lata and told her we'd talk bout it lata. Let me hear your course of action for tomorrow.... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I didn't mean attractive, I meant challenging. What you do tommorow is make the choice up to her, she can either see other people, and never hear from you again, or she can try to make the relationship work. A girl in high school who has told you that she wants to be free is telling you that she wants to be free of you, or else she'd'a kept it to herself. When a girl has a guy by the balls, he's no challenge. You'd better make it challenging, or she'll have no problem giving those balls a squeeze and walking away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 yea...you are right bout the balls...but I've been so hardcore bout everything, I'm thinking maybe I should just leave her, right now, tell her I love her....and let her come back to me if she wants to. I can't just leave her....I love her way too much...but you are right...can't let her know that Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 So, No saying you love her. She's in high school, you don't say you love her until long after she's said it to you. I totally understand you care about her, but when she's thinking of walking away, you'd better play some games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 She's already said she loves me.....plenty of times... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I think she loves that you love her. When you love someone, you don't want to see what else is out there. If you think that the fact that you love her, and she loves you, is enough to keep her interested, then I wish you the best, and hope you're right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 anyone else have any insight? Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhantomsLight Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Hi, I'm sorry this is so late... I hate to say this, since you dont' want to hear it, but I think dyer is right. She has you nailed and she knows it. Telling her today, that you love her, is only going to make her feel THAT MUCH MORE CONTROL over you. She will know that no matter what she does she can always come back because you will never give up on her. She wants space, give it to her, maybe she's bored. But walk away giving her the notion that it's over for good. If it's right in the end, things will sort themselves out. Be strong, don't let her know that you will be lost without her or she has already won, and won't think you are worth fighting for because you are already there... make any sense?? Just my point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I know you don't want to hear it again, but you need to just let her go do her own thing. Bow out gracefully. This might be the pot calling the kettle black, but you're both kind of young, and she's really young. She might not know what she wants yet, and that's fine. But you have to let her go, man. Don't let her yank you around because she's "in love" with you. She may really be, but things like that are absolute, and like you were told twice already: people that are truly in love don't go looking for other people. Plus, you said it yourself: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Let her live it up, but don't be her fall back boyfriend. See other people yourself, or just mix it up, and don't be available to her. If you still want her, she'll probably come back to you if she really loves you, but not if you're just hanging outside the door, like a puppy - trust us. Link to post Share on other sites
bicylejunk Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I think you need to let her go. Dyer Maker(houses of the holy) Has a point. I mean, you don't want her walking all over you. You say you don't want her to have her cake and eat it too, but in a way, that's what you're sort of offering her. I know how you feel, I know you love her, I've been there so Hardcore and It sucks when the love is threatened and on the verge on ending. But she's young. I've had experience with that. You have to let her do her thing. Otherwise she may grow to resent you for not doing what she felt that she should have. Just really talk it over with her, Tell her how you feel and tell her what you're willing to do and how much you want to do for her and that this is true love etc. But if she decides to go her own way, Support her, but stay cool, Don't be bitter and focus on your own life and experiences. Be there for her but Don't come running everytime she winks an eye. Do your own thing, Maybe after time she'll realize how much you love her. That's all you can really do. some people are different and If she hasn't gotten experiences out of the way or lived life a little and figured out who she wants to be, has inner peace, Chances are She won't be happy with you Long Term and then the relationship would suffer. Just my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 You do need to give her the space requested. YOU DO NOT AND SHOULD NOT PLAY GAMES. That is BAD advice. If you love her, fine. Do not let her use you as a doormat. But leave your heart open, if it's her you really want. But give her space. Link to post Share on other sites
greenapple Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 << people that are truly in love don't go looking for other people. >> Wow. This truly IS a profound statement. I agree. If she loved you so much, why would she want to test the waters, see what else is out there? I think it's selfish and childish. I love you a lot, But there might be something better out there and If I don't find it, I'll come to you???? NO WAY. Forget That!! Just Move On. Link to post Share on other sites
klinghoffer Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Everybody knows me here by now. You're going thru what I'm going thru, But at an earlier stage in the game and you need to let her go do her own thing. I was 22, she was 18 when we met. We spent a lot of years together and she told me she loved me and now 4 years later, were splitting up because she wants her freedom and wants to be independent and sort of see what else is out there. After all this time, Now this? So I think you need to let her go. If she doesn't get all that stuff out of her system, she'll end up possibly leaving you someday to go see what else the world has to offer her. I'm heartbroken right now and don't want any other girl. But i'm sure that, If the time ever comes where I find someone else, I'd would make sure she had done some things and was comfortable with her life, before we started a romance. I don't want to be heart broken again. But that's way off in the future somewhere, I'll be content with my art and music. I'm going to focus on ME. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 Thanks once again, for all you guys great advice....as you guys know, I love the girl. One side of me wants to be strong and say I'm gone, if you wanna come back, w/e but you'll have to earn me back, just like she earned my love when we first met. But on the other side, I don't really wanna loose her. I wanna pick it up right where we left off when she comes back...I'm pretty sure she's gonna come back...she loves me too much not to, I just need to make her miss me a little. Cuz I've always been there, calling whenever she didn't call me and maybe she needs to sort out her true feelings. I don't think I can just leave her and say adios for good, cuz I love her too much, and I don't wanna punish her for being young, foolish, and not knowing her feelings...but she's getting the space...and I'm not gonna be there while she has it...no calling, no seeing her, ect. And I'm also not gonna sit at home and behave myself either...I'm gonna go out and do my thing to take my mind off her, cuz like you guys said, if she really loves me, she wouldn't want space. Jay Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I don't think she's being "foolish"... Link to post Share on other sites
klinghoffer Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I Don't think she's being foolish either. When were 18, and even 19 some of us are level headed and some of us still have tons of growing up to do. Me? I was really responsible and depended on a lot growing up in my family...I had to look out for my younger sibs and I guess I sort of just had to grow up a lot sooner so, by the time I was 19 I pretty much knew who I was and what it was like to be out in the world. My ex girlfriend is the opposite. she was the baby of the family and was used to things being done for her. She wasn't a spoiled brat per se, but she's never really been in charge of a lot of stuff except herself. That's why I can't really hate my girl for any of this and I have to let her grow. It's sad because I don't know what the future holds for us and I know she still loves me and I still Love her SO MUCH.!! But SInce i love her, I have to let her go. I don't really agree with NO Contact thing. If she calls, talk to her. Because if she's learning some lessons and she's trying to call out to you, don't ignore it and tell her not to contact you because you're giving her space. Just play around with what you feel is right, Stay cool and Think clearly, There's no definite methods or right ways to go about this kind of thing. That's what I'm learning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onebadwhiteboy69 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 well good news fellas...I talked to her today, and she was in a good mood, I apologized for blowing up at her....and I asked her straight out, what she wanted to do....and she said she didn't wanna feel tied down, and feel guilty if she even looked at a guy, b/c of me. I said ok, well I thought I was giving her enough freedom, and b/c it's a age diff, and with me at college and so forth, we don't get to see each other, we both agreed on a boundary of kissing the oppisate sex. I thought it was ok at the time, but over time I feel for her, and I started getting jealous when I heard she was talking to other guys, ect. And started to really sweat her bout all aspects of our relationship. Started getting really into her...I'm talking had it bad...one time I was walking to a party with a bookbag full of beer going to meet some buds, and she called and I sat outside the party and talked to her, before going back to the dorm and talking to her some more. lol, yea I had it bad. So yea, she's gotten the queen treatment, and she's taken it for granted. Now, knowing that I'm gonna be there no matter what, she wanted to be less exclusive. Well, I told her straight out, I was having nothing of that, (thanks dyer) either she wanted to be with me or she wanted to go out and do her own thing, and she decided she wanted to be with me, she just didn't want me to get jealous and sweat her all the time when I heard she talked to other guys. And she just wanted to go back to how it was. Sounds good to me, but I'm also throwing in another wrinkle....I'm not gonna sweat her as much either, I'm gonna put a lil doubt in her mind, cuz if she knows she has me, that's not good. Cuz women are sneaky. Girls will get caught....and god knows what I'd do if I caught her with the hand in the cookie jar. So, I'm not gonna call her as much, tell her I'm busy sometimes, even when I'm not. Basically, just not let her consume my life....or so she'll think. But she is my everything, but she's taking that for granted...obviously, so games (thanks again dyer) I think will work here Link to post Share on other sites
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