My husband's emotional affair that he won't give up

[KLmccaulley81]

My husband and I are from Iowa. 4 months ago he took a job in california and he had to move out alone because we could not afford to move myself and our two boys out at that moment. It was supposed to be only one month apart but it turned into 4 months. About 8 weeks after he started his job he started calling me less and less and was acting very distant. I thought it was just because we were miles and miles apart. Then when I finally moved out here 8 weeks later I find that he has a lot of text messages from another woman, named "Cat". I ask and he says she's just some woman he works with who is almost 40. (we are 28) Then I find the call detail on sprint.com and see that for the past 2 months they called eachother almost 100 times and talked for an hour or a little more each night, or every other night. I ask him how often they talked and he flat out lied and said "once a week". Then i showed him my evidence and he said, "well, i guess I didn't realize how much we actually talked. but we're just friends. i needed friend". on top of all this he is telling me that he is doubting our relationship and that he feels our marriage may be "invalid" because i had not told him the truth about something i did in college (drunken sexual act with another guy, but not intercourse) before i was dating him. he says that means our whole relationship started out in deception since i didn't tell him the whole truth about that and that our marriage might not even be valid in God's eyes or in his. ( he is a "faithful" christian) Now he's thinking about leaving me but says he hasn't "made up his mind yet". We have two kids together (4,3) and I am pregnant with our 3rd, due in 8 weeks. He tells me I need to stay here with him and "love" him and "show" him that he has a reason to be here. In the mean time he continually texts with "Cat" and they get together just to "talk". He says that he cares about her, loves her as a "friend", and that there is nothing I can do about it. They are close and I can't tell him what to do so therefore I just need to deal with it. He said maybe if I do what i'm supposed to do to get closer to him then "maybe" this other woman will just go away. He swears that he's not having sex with her and that he is not attracted to her in that way. But they talk all the time and he is not willing to give it up in order to work on our marriage. I have no idea what to do. He tells me all about my past sins against him and says that he "suppressed" his feelings over the years and now he thinks he made a mistake in marrying me b/c as he says the last straw was me telling him the entire truth about the guy from college...which i told him a year ago because he kept pestering me about my past again. He thinks that God will show him whether or not he is supposed to be with me and expects me to wait around until he gets his "revelation". He swears that this "crisis" he is going through is not about Cat but is about our relationship problems and the fact that he's not sure it's a valid union. Am I CRAZY??? because he is making me feel CRAZY! Is there anything he is saying that makes sense? Is it REALLy about this WOMAN or am I just nuts? He was very caring and called me and emailed me continually up until he started talking to her. He claims he was having doubts before he met her. I am so confused. Should I stay and put up with this or should I go. He is real good at making me feel like maybe God never wanted me to be his wife and I'm a horrible sinner and I've done all these bad things. (i had a one night stand while drunk that ended pretty much as soon as the physical act had begun and i was bawling and crying and begging forgiveness b/c i was in shock at what i had done. i told him about it and i asked forgiveness and he gave it to me and said he wanted to stay with me. now he's using ita gainst me. it happened 7 years ago) he also says i've always been controlling and selfish. that is true but i wasn't always like that. i made many mistakes but i have always wanted to make our relationship better. i have been so sorry for the damage i've done and i've wanted to work on making our marriage better. but according to him maybe there is no marriage. someone help me to see truth. what should i do?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, KL.

No, what he's saying is not sounding at all reasonable to me. It sounds much more like bullcrap and things he's just making up on the fly to use as his excuses to not live up to HIS wedding vows.

 

Have you reminded him of his Christian duties, obligations and responsibilities to his wife and children? HE also made vows in front of God and those are still valid. His questioning the marriage's "validity" doesn't change that he is a married man. (Which, I'm not buying his whole 'argument' about that but it's irrelevant because he's still a married man until the Church annuls it or declares it "invalid" in whatever form.)

 

Your past is the past, and God's forgiveness of your "sins" is not your husband's business. At the same time, your husband is not God and therefore does not get to pass judgment on you. Jesus also talked about compassion and forgiveness -- your husband might do well to brush up on those.

 

I would strongly encourage you to schedule a marriage counseling session with the pastor at your/his church or any other, if he's not part of a congregation at this time. If your husband won't attend with you, go by yourself.

 

You deserve proper and compassionate guidance and support. Since your husband is hiding behind his "Christian" values, however misguided/distorted his version may be, it seems to me that a pastor would be able to help your husband sort out what needs to be sorted out.

It's also that your marriage is obviously in big trouble and for that reason also you ought to get marriage counseling...yesterday!

 

By the way, someone else trying to make you seem like the crazy one is called "gaslighting" (from the 1944 movie 'Gaslight'.)

[KLmccaulley81]

Hugs, KL.

No, what he's saying is not sounding at all reasonable to me. It sounds much more like bullcrap and things he's just making up on the fly to use as his excuses to not live up to HIS wedding vows.

 

Have you reminded him of his Christian duties, obligations and responsibilities to his wife and children? HE also made vows in front of God and those are still valid. His questioning the marriage's "validity" doesn't change that he is a married man. (Which, I'm not buying his whole 'argument' about that but it's irrelevant because he's still a married man until the Church annuls it or declares it "invalid" in whatever form.)

 

Your past is the past, and God's forgiveness of your "sins" is not your husband's business. At the same time, your husband is not God and therefore does not get to pass judgment on you. Jesus also talked about compassion and forgiveness -- your husband might do well to brush up on those.

 

I would strongly encourage you to schedule a marriage counseling session with the pastor at your/his church or any other, if he's not part of a congregation at this time. If your husband won't attend with you, go by yourself.

 

You deserve proper and compassionate guidance and support. Since your husband is hiding behind his "Christian" values, however misguided/distorted his version may be, it seems to me that a pastor would be able to help your husband sort out what needs to be sorted out.

It's also that your marriage is obviously in big trouble and for that reason also you ought to get marriage counseling...yesterday!

 

By the way, someone else trying to make you seem like the crazy one is called "gaslighting" (from the 1944 movie 'Gaslight'.)

 

Thank you for your advice. We went to a counseling session with a pastor I had just met because I just moved to the area. It went wonderfully for my husband but horrid for me. Basically the pastor BELIEVED my husband when he said that this woman is "just a friend" and that they have an emotional connection but nothing else. He is claiming that their relationship is 100% platonic. (yeah right) Then my husband goes into all his feelings about how our marriage doesn't feel valid to him because I didn't tell him the whole truth about what happened in college and about the one night stand after we were married (which never happened again and which he FORGAVE me for) and how he's angry about all the disrespect I've given him and he's mad about me being so selfish. Are any of these a valid reason for divorce? The only one would be the one night thing that happened when I was drunk and after a huge fight wit him in which he told me he wanted a divorce. I was 21 and stupid and he forgave me for that so therefore you can't bring it up and say that now you want the divorce, 3 kids later. It's obvious to me that he wants this other woman but wants me at the same time. this pastor basically ignored the emotional affair that my hsuband is having and told ME to stop trying to control and manipulate my husband and to beg God's forgiveness for my sins and failures as a wife. (um, i already did that when i actually made the mistakes. duh) Then he proceeded to tell me to just be the "best" wife I can be so I will make my husband happy and he'll want to come home to me instead of this woman. What??? This just seems so whacked to me. How can my husband get away with this? Seriously. He loved me for 9 years and would've done anything for me and now he is distant, cold, and mean. He is rude most of the time and when he's not rude he is silent. Probably thinking about her. I hate to see my marriage end. I do NOT want a divorce. But I don't know what to do. I feel like if I stay I'm just allowing the abuse. He claims I abused him. He claims that he is "wounded" right now. okay, well I think that a one night stand that ended almost as soon as the physical act began is a lot easier to overcome (and he said he forgave me and watned to move forward) than your spouse being in love with another person. i made a lot of mistakes and yes i was selfish a lot and i was disrespectful when we fought but i always loved him and i never gave my heart to another. he is breaking my heart everyday. i'm so ready to leave but so scared.

[Ronni_W]

KL,

I'm so sorry that the pastor you consulted with did such a horrid job of listening to you, and failed to offer any understanding and compassion to you.

To me, it does sound as if your husband is trying to have the "best of all worlds" -- and he is acting irresponsibly, mean and disrespectful to you and the family unit in the process.

 

Dragging up old stuff is NOT "fighting fair". The next time he mentions it, you could as easily say that you want to address the CURRENT conditions between the two of you that are CURRENTLY preventing you from loving, honouring and respecting each other.

 

You don't just have to keep defending yourself over old stuff. Tell him that you're not an idiot and you're done being gaslighted; that you're well aware that all his current-day complaints and bullcrap are the result of his developing an inappropriate relationship with another woman, and that he's using them only to justify-rationalize his inappropriate behaviour. That is, give his crap back to him...do not take it on as your own burden.

 

I would still suggest that you make an appointment with a (non-faith based) marriage counselor and go whether or not your husband agrees to it. As a matter of courtesy, tell him the day, time and place, and let him know that he's welcome to attend *if* he wants the counselor to hear his side of the story.

 

I understand that you're scared. You do need professional guidance, and your children need you to get it. Also discuss your situation with your doctor, as this level of stress is not good for your unborn baby. (I know you already know this.)

 

You may well have to make the decision of what type of life you want for the rest of your life. If you allow him to, this man here, the one who used to be your loving husband, is going to suck you dry of self-worth, esteem, respect and confidence...and then he will suck the Soul right out of you.

If you allow him to.

 

It will be a choice, and it is a scary one to have to make. But choosing the alternative; deciding to stay in this environment as it currently is and allowing him to emotionally exhaust and spiritually deplete you -- isn't that prospect even scarier?

 

I am sorry for what you're going through. This is NOT your fault, and it's NOT because of anything you've done or did not do. This is your husband's problem due to his distorted beliefs and "values" that have become corrupted/infected. Don't let him blame you, and don't take on the guilt of his blame. (I know that's easier said than done.)

 

I can't urge you strongly enough to get professional marriage counseling, and do wish you the very best outcomes...ones that will affirm your own self-worth and will ultimately be for your own highest good, and in the best interests of your children.

 

Sending hugs, Strength, Courage, Wisdom and Protection.