am i as stupid as i feel

[riegelbeagle]

Hi yall im a newbie

I have read a bit of the advice and thought i would ask for some of my own!

here is my story, I have been married for 11 years now though my wife did not acknowledge the last one a few months ago. We have 3 kids. When our first was born and i lost my job we decided that since she made more money i should become a stay at home dad. We now have 3 kids all special needs 1 with autism, 2nd with immune system problems and 3rd with dyslexia. It has been let me say rough. Not sure if this matters but, wife is bipolar but uses antidepressants to control it, I will give here credit here she does hold a rn position in an er. Anyway, We moved from the east cost to the west coast to make a fresh start cause we were told it would help with the medical problem with one of the boys. After a few months my wife started staying away from the family said she couldnt take the kids fighting and behavior issues, and im sure i didnt help. Jump ahead, she ended up haveing an affair with a man she became friends with on the job. You know the one, who always has a sympathetic ear and remembers all the little things cause he wants in your pants. Well she got just that, no protection nothing thank god she is fixed! Once i found out i was devastated to say the least. I started going to therapist and then she started seeing him but after a few weeks decided he professional enough for her, that ended that! I have been improving myself and doing my best to give her what she said was missing all theses years but, since i busted her on the affair and the dude dumped her like used tissue from mopping up the mess he made. she has been unwillling to work on our family as a whole not just our marriage. she tells me she loves me but is not in love with me, that to me is a cop out. being in love is like christmass morning for a kid. She haws mentioned several times if i cared and loved her as much as i say i do i would leave the house and give her space. Now remember i have been a stay at home dad for 10 years, my once career is gone and i have no job no money, she never gave me a dime of pocket money all these years. I asked her to file for a divorce several times so i can move out with the help of state aid. The state wont help me cause i live with her and she makes to much money. She says she cant afford a divorce or 2 rents. we had made a promise that as long as we lived in the same house we would not date. I have suspected on a few occasion where she had tried to hook up with guys but they werent interested. I am now in Emt school and it is time for me to do ride alongs with emt crews in the area so today she thought it relevant to tell me she had a fight with a emt friend, cause apparently he was being nice to her to get in her pants. She has gotten the reputation of the ER slut now. She proceeded to tell me that she told him if he wasnt married she would date him. I question her here about our promise and why it would be ok for you to date him being married with her response to be well i consider us separated, WHAT. My therapist says she is playing high school games and i need to get away from her as quickly as i can once i get working. She will text me and when i respond in a conversational manner she will accuse me of starting a fight, when it is she who start the convo. Not sure if this would matter or not but, i had to wait a week to make our marriage official! any opinions would be great.

thanks

[tnttim]

It's fairly simple, but your emotions will get in the way of this.

 

1) No contact unless it's about kids

2) File for divorce as soon as possible, marriage is dead

3) Forget about the past, it's over

4) Go out and have fun with family or friends

5) One of you has to move out

 

This is just a start but you should start to feel better each day, but you have to take some of the above steps. If you stay in your current state you will be repeating a never ending cycle. You have to break the cycle and move on.

[riegelbeagle]

It will be at min. 6 months before I'm in a position to leave. I have the divorce paper work but need to attend a work shop on how to fill them out since I have no money for a lawyer I have to do self divorce here In CA. I want t go for full custody of my kids cause she is very irrespponble with money and obvious other things. She can't cook and when she does the kids won't eat it. She is aways saying to me that nomatter what happens with us we need to be friends cause we are the only family we got. Deep down I know she is counting on me finishing school and then just going away quietly leaving the kids with her. I think she also thinks if I'm working I won't ask the court for spouse support or the court won't grant it. I have inquired the court system and whether I'm working or not I am entitleds to half of what she makes plus child support if I get them. The bad part is I assume half her debt also. I truely do love my wife when she is gone I want her here next to me. I want to to bed with her and wake up next to her but, I realize that's not gonns happen. I am happy and I get less upset or emotional after ever enconter with her. I guess if a person pushes away hard enough the one being push start backing away

[tnttim]

Read some posts, the harder she pushes you away actually makes you want her more. We are human, and worse you are a man. Men always seek the unobtainable, spend their whole life chasing dreams.

 

second, we all at one point wanted our spouses back, reguardless of what they did to us, that's also human nature. The problem is that most don't recognize the old relationship is dead and can't be reborn. You have to start all over again whether you like it not. Some people keep their old relationships on life support for years, or forever. Pull the plug and start from scratch. Now this doesn't mean their is no chance with your wife, it means you have to start something new with her. Basically you have to come to grips with the fact that you are single again.

 

Third, she is in a really hard spot, she is in simple terms is the man in the M. She makes all the money and you raise the kids. You are entitled to spousal support until you can get on your feet. The kids have a say in who they live with and being the stay at home dad puts you high on the list for getting custodial parenthood. So now is the time to start planning your future without your wife. Start setting things up to show the court you are fully prepared to take on this responsibilty yourself. The great thing about this step is that you W will see you are moving on and starting to live life without her and panic will set in. You will see an immediate change in her attitude and actions, especially towards you. But reguardless of what she says, or promises, stick to your plan of getting your kids.

[tnttim]

Do you know that she has to pay for your lawyer since she makes all the money?

[riegelbeagle]

Thanks for the advice so far please keep it comming. I have been told by a lawyer in which I had a 30 min consult with through her job benifits. I was told I could petition the court for lawyer fees but wuld still have to come up with a retainer fee. Which comes to ropughly 1500 bucks, I have inquired a dozen or so lawyers all with the same round about price. She started a conversion this morning telling the the intial argument with the c worker happend a month ago and that she was just concerned he would be mean to me if I had gotten paired with him. Bull**** it was just to hurt me! She also said she had no intensions of dateing him or anyone else. Said she can not be in anyt kind of relationship anymore. That she would rather be alone cause she can't handle the emotiopns anymore. I told her I was moving on with my life and will respect her decision that she doesn't want anything to do with me. Told her I was makeing plans for my future and now she is extra nice nice. I have given up on her at this point. If she wants me she will have to initiate it, I'm done

[tnttim]

You're handling this very well, I don't think you need help, you need support. You are coming here to justify your position, and that's perfectly alright. Even your thoughts want safety in numbers, which is very normal. Keep it up, you need no advice because you sound like you have a plan.

[tojaz]

Beware the impending backslide riegelbeagle. I've seen it many many times. What Tim said there is right on. You can never go back to the M yo had. Thats a good thing, embrace it, because it didn't work. Read threads, as many as you can stand. Y ou will see the trends and see what is coming next, or at least anticipate what your about to go through. I would suggest MrMayI's threads, a forum search will get them for you. His situation sounds very similar to yours.

 

Tojaz

[riegelbeagle]

Today she needed my help and support and I blew it! She got really upset with the kids behavior and was screaming and yelling. I tried to help her at first by telling her to calm down take a break, she proceeded to rant and rave screaming she has no supprt has no help nopbody cares. This is the point my internal switch flew to the off position. I retreated to doing some dishes, i guess to protect myself from what I am not sure. She came after me next yelling a screaming still upset, telling me I needed your help and you just checked out and disconected. This is where I lashed out at her I called her every bad name I ever thought of curesed here up and down told her she ruined the family our marriage etc. After about 10 minutes of this she hit in the chest. I dersrved it, I am suppopsed to love this women, what gives me the right to do that to another human being. I didn't let up, I followed with letting her no she has shown no remorse for what she did and so on. At this point she droped top her knees crying and begging for me to stop as I was right in her face not caring whether she was alive or dead. This is where she pushed me over and hit me again. I actually dared her to hit again and threatend to call the law. At this point she just lost it. She broke down and admitted she has ruined our lives our childrens lives and that she knows she will be alone for the rest of her life. This pretrty much ends the fighting now we both go into I'm sorry mode since the kids are all upset. We follow with a family meeting to reassure the kids we love them. A discusion of her feelings and my feelings follows. I came to the conclusion that my family would be better off if I was not in it!

[tnttim]

Come on you can't let every road block in your marriage be the tipping point of it. This is were your support would have changed the whole outcome of this fight. I've done the same thing with my W, and kids, I was fuel to the fire. The water to the fire is for you to control your emotions especially when things get heated. You should have stood your ground in the foreground of this fight between wife and kids, it was a fight you understand. By staying out of it you would have accomplished 2 things, you didn't choose sides and you let the fight work itself out.

 

Okay now your W says "why didn't you help me, I get no support, no help." you say "You're right I didn't support you or the kids, you're right they do need to listen more, lets come up with a plan to help them to listen more." Can she really argue with that? You stood your ground and helped defuse the situation by effectively staying out of a lose/lose situation.

 

We all fight, we all backslide, we all regret things we've done. You live life, you learn, you move on, never looking back. So don't beat yourself up over this, be strong because that's what she really needs and wants from you, STRENGTH.