InLoKo Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 For all of you who are considering contacting your ex-loves, just to tell her/him how you feel and how much you care, here is the other side of the coin. I was seeing a guy until about 2-3 months ago. I don't want to see him anymore. I don't want to keep in contact. Last night I had 3 phone calls from him, all within 5 minutes of each other, at 11.15pm. I had a call on Saturday night, and calls in the week and prior to that. I have had a letter pleading, a card, and a message to say he has got me a present. When the phone rang last night and I knew it was him, so I didn't answer. Why phone 3 times??? The 2nd message said something like "I know you can hear me". I feel invaded. Stalked. Angry. No, I don't want to speak to him. I know how he feels. I don't want to hear what he has to say. There is no "us". I am not going to reconsider. I am wondering why I ever went out with him, what I EVER saw in him. IS he going to knock on my door? Will he turn up when my partner and I reconcile? Will I have to unplug the phone ( I can't have my partner hearing him calling, despite my having told him I saw someone else)? I pity how pathetic he is. If he comes round, I will hide and pretend I'm not in. So that's how I feel. Yes, it is that bad. No, your situations will not be different. THINK about the effect you have on the dumper, when your advances are not welcome. STOP being selfish. If someone has asked you to leave them alone. DO IT. (And yes, I am p*ssed off now.) Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 You are such a dear. I wish my ex could take lessons from you. I was wondering if the guy you were referring to was your ex or a recent date. I can only hope that if she is dating (still trying to live with NO CONTACT except when my heart has slipped - and I am controlling that now), that she feels the same way about us getting back together as you do. And I hope she feels the same about her dates. I know her friends had been trying to "hook her up" but that she wasn't interested. I have to admit the thought of her dating or more hurts, but I must continue to "maintain my cool" and give her the time and space she needs to hopefully rediscover the depth of our love so we can try once more. I know I'll be better the next time around if it should come. Your posts are always inspiring to me, and keep me reminded that all women aren't angry and trying to prove a point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InLoKo Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 I am angry that he won't listen to me that it's over, that I don't love him, that I don't want to see him anymore. Very angry. How dare he bother me like this? Now I am either going to have to phone him to tell him, AGAIN, or I will have to suffer ignoring the calls. I'm glad my posts inspire you. The guy I am angry at was the guy I was seeing last year (I'm running out of "terms" to use). Can you imagine if my partner (the one I am hoping to reconcile with) is round and the ex turns up or phones?? I will have some explaining to do (not that I have done ANYTHING wrong). If that reconciliation is spoiled, I won't be responsible for my actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve2usa Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Inloko: I agree you are a dear and have given me great advice so far. But I'm curious...How long were you with this guy that won't leave you alone? And when you did break it off with him did you give him the explanation as to why you were breaking it off. If you did and gave him closier, then this guy is stalking you and I would get a restraining order for your own protection. I feel I was persistant at the end of my relationship only because I was trying to find out what was bothering her, 2 days later she broke it off without any explanation. I know that when people are angry for whatever matter, they tend to withdraw themselves from certain situations in order to cope for themselves. In my case I hope that she will someday be able to explain her decision to me so I can be sure to not repeat whatever it was that made her leave. I realize my persistance was a bad thing and I am working hard at giving her the space she needs now. I have great support with friends and this forum, and besides, I work as a bouncer in a night club and I have lots of girls who are trying to keep my self esteem intact. But again, I do say be careful because we don't want to see anything happen to you dear. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 You are a gem!! You tell your partner (whom you are reconciling with) that he'd better recognize how special you are before he loses the opportunity forever.! And tell Mr. Not Right Anymore to jump back on the bus he came in on!! I am so muchhoping things can go the same way with my own situation. as you can see, I've been up awhile, 5AM here, so I'll be back tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
xalysabethh Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I too am on the other side of the coin a little differnt but me and my husband are in the middle of a divorce only he realized how bad he screwed up by cheating and now desperatly wants me back. i even had told him at one point i'd consider it BUT he smothered me way to much. he would call and if i wasnt home he'd email me, email my phone, etc. wonder where i was. or he would "expect " or want me to call him every day. and i f ididnt hed be calling me. he still trys to invite me to do everything and it has done nothing but push me away. xalysabeth Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 InLoko - what you have described about your ex's actions is only the tip of the iceburg compared to what I've been going through with my ex. I don't even want to begin with the list of things that he has done to disturb my life. It has been a nightmare. He once called 15 times in a row. Actually I believe I described all this in Kit Walker or Kanuk's threads about getting their ex's back. I don't think that everybody is going through the exact same situation as us because there is a certain amount of contact that is OK (extremely minimal contact), but it looks like our ex's have gone overboard. It is true though that if you have said everything you need to say, then the ex knows, and you don't need to say it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Kanuk Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 On behalf of all wierdo stalkers everywhere. I apologize to the two you you kind ladies. We do come to our sences eventually. But the damage is done, and i kick myself for it everyday. Your exes will too. Link to post Share on other sites
cugo999 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 What if she never said to you it is over. ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Kanuk Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Mine didn't say to me it's over, i heard it thru friends, and she didn't tell me why either. but this isn't my thread It doesn't chnage the fact that you have to leave them alone, cause it's what they want. And if you love them and aren't being selfish at all, then you want them to be happy, and you WANT to do what they want. I wish i could have seen this earlier, but i'm young, and very stupid Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Kanuk, don't beat yourself up about it. The most important thing to come out of this is that you have learned from this experience, right? I mean, I don't hate my ex and never hated him, but maybe in periods of frustration, such as the one Inloko described, there were definitely feelings of anger. What I couldn't understand was why he disrespected my feelings, and not wanting me to be happy and free? If he loved me so much like he said, then he would truly want me to be happy, like I wanted him to be. I wanted him to be a better person and to do that, he needed to not be with me because he was too attached to me. However, what I failed to see is that he truly just loved me for who I was and that I shouldn't get mad at him for it. I have never been loved so much by someone and I do appreciate that. cugo999 - I'll have to read your background story. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Sarah and InLoKo, I fully understand you words of frustration against the persistance of your exs. But from a dumped point of view what can we do for the dumper to possibly ease their pain and hopefully foster some sort of future contact. my case is that we never fought and yes i still strongly love my ex. i now accept that it is over and understand why, but i do have a strong desire to be involved in this ladies life. she has not said that she wants no contact from me but i do not want to bother her. what could have your exs done to not bother you but also create an environment that would foster trust and friendship. my ex had her ex still calling on birthdays and dropping over occasionally for visits and she seemed to appreciate his presence in her and her daughters life. i also want to be there for her and her daughter and to hopefully be called a friend that can be trusted. i dont want for her to get the stage you are both at and her to be angry with me. i am prepared to not contact her for months if necessary if after that her pain has faded and she may trust me to be friends. basically what would you have wanted from the ex for you to allow friendship contact to occur ????? i know it is cannot be easy for the dumper also and i saw the tears and pain from my lady when our relationship ended. i admire her strength to make a life changing decision that she felt was the best for her and her daughter. letting go with love is what i want, and to be trusted again. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Sarah, Is this the ex you are waiting for, or is this someone else? How long were you with him for? If it isn't the one you've been waiting for, then what type of relationship was it? Obviously you weren't in love or he'd be the 'one'.! Was this someone who you dated, and he fell in love while you were just dating? Give me a little background if you would. It will help me clarify things in my own situation. I understand that some people feel the need to date or to try to move on. whaether or not i was dating (I am not) I know I want to reunite with my ex and that I love her, I'm not worried about me. My ex, however has gone on a couple of blind dates, and who knows what else. She's the stubborn type, and it seems as though nothing is working for her. Of course, my take on it is that we should be working it out and she won't just "find someone else" especially after all our years together. I would NEVER just say that to her, I think if she is to find that out, she HAS to do it on her own. I am in the midst of "no contact" (strictly enforced by her)so i must be patient and continue to straighten things out in my world so if and when we reconcile, things will be better. Here's a question, Sarah, Inloko, and you ladies out there. when last we talked, she said, "At the moment, I'm not even dating" - this was after the unsuccessful blind date (and she brought that up to my attention - I didn't ask!). then it was, I think I'm going to have a relationship. we spoke several times after that, and she said the love and the pain of us were still hurting her, so I backed off and stopped calling. She called my sister to 'mention" that her Mom was seriously ill with cancer (lost Dad to it 4 yrs. ago), and of course upon hearing this news, I tried to call to send condolences. To my surprise - her number was changed.! She is the type to change her number for a number of reasons, but I couldn't help thinking it was just because of me. I hadn't been calling her when this happened, and in reality, I wasn't calling that much at all, I was trying to give her space. I figured after all our time together, that if she were serious about someone else, she would at least say so in some definite terms - if only to keep me FROM contacting her. I could contact her if I chose to, but I figure she needs her space. Ladies, opinions are welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 basically what would you have wanted from the ex for you to allow friendship contact to occur ????? It really depends on the situation. My ex did not hurt me in any extreme way but there were things that I knew I didn't like. I just saw incompatabilities and knew that we would not be able to work things out. So in my case, had he respected what I wanted, I think we could be friends now. Not close friends, but maybe we could meet up once every two months or so. Instead he completely violated what I wanted and I found this extremely disrespectful. So I really can't say what you should do. It all depends. If she said she wanted no contact, then obviously she is very hurt and wants to rid you from her life. If she has not said anything about contact/ no contact, then I would assume it is OK to contact her, after some time. I say give it a few months before calling, depending on the length of the relationship and how serious the hurt was. mandrews - I do not want this ex back. I was with him for a year and we were in love. Link to post Share on other sites
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