Anger, but more at yourself!???

[aimchase]

I know that anger is considered the penultimate stage of the grieving process, and assumed (and may be right to do so) that such emotion is directed at your ex.

 

However, last night red mist just hit me about the whole separation. I had previously got irritated by the ex's pre and post separation behaviour, but not for prolonged periods.

 

Last night, I looked back at a couple of emails which I had downloaded for my lawyer several months ago, after finding them open on the ex's pc. They were between the ex and OM, both expressing deep love for each other etc.

 

At the same time, the ex swore on our children's lives (what a b**ch!) that it was all platonic and they were just friends. For some reason, all through that period (and before I joined LS), I stressed myself silly about this situation and kept accepting the ex's words as truth. I now know that I was still at a point of denial and didn't want to accept that she had run to someone else. I was also still at a point of wanting reconciliation, despite her running to the OM, as I knew he was nothing but an escape.

 

Last night I read the emails again because I wanted closure. It certainly did something - I sat there and thought 'HOW COULD YOU BE SO F***ING STUPID!!!'. I am absolutely livid at myself now! I've always prided myself for being a very amicable person who gets on with anyone, but I won't take people's cr*p. I've even preached that to friends who have been messed around in the past, considering myself to be too proud and wise to ever be in that position. And there I was, a f***ing doormat for months!

 

Call it arrogance, pride, whatever - I feel like I was weak, pathetic, and rolled over. I so WISH I could have done this whole separation differently, with a bit more dignity and integrity, but I didn't. I wimpered like the lost little boy, trying to rationalise everything and be supportive to the ex despite her truly shocking behaviour, because I still wanted her back.

 

That's just not me at all. I expressed something that I didn't think was inherent in my character, and now I just want to slap myself around the face for being such a damn idiot. The lying b**ch was obviously scr**ing this guy all along (they were staying with each other for days on end), and she must have been p***ing herself that I continued to be dangled on a string.

 

I so want revenge, I really do. I want her to suffer - not through anything I do, but I just want her world to fall apart, so that she comes to me and pleads, and I can just say back 'FU b**ch!'.

 

A lot of you will know that we have children and I will always keep things pleasant for their sakes. However, underneath I just loathe the woman right now, but loathe myself even more.

 

Is this normal? Is that part of the process? My word, it has been a learning curve and i've grown for it. Don't worry, i'm not at a point of psychological breakdown or self harm etc, i'm just so angry at myself for being a complete p**sy for the past few months!

 

Aim

[mikeymad]

you did the best you could at the time, given the information you had available. our emotions cloud our judgement, and will continue to (as anger is now clouding it). It will fade over time to apathy. It is after this fades, that forgiveness comes into play. Not just for her, but to forgive yourself for your faults and shortcomings. You can take pride that you tried to make it work. It will make you a stronger person. Every person is imperfect in nature, so to go into a relationship expecting yourself and her to act and respond perfectly is unrealistic.

[tnttim]

Welcome to step 2 of grieving, anger. The thing I found out about the steps is that they don't happen in chronological order. You skip a stage, or fall back into another just like the wind blows.

 

I can see only one way for you to fulfill your goal of being friends with W and making her life miserable. Be the best man you can possibly be, be the best father your children could ask for and be happy. It's probably too soon for you to date other women but you should at least go out and have fun once in a while. I think once she sees all the changes you made and the fact you're enjoying life will drive a dagger deep into her heart. She will think she f*cked up and left the best thing that happened to her. Read some posts on how once the jilted spouse starts living life how fast the cheating spouse wants them back. The whole process of why is so simple, but most just refuse to accept the fact that human beings always want what they can't have. So by being the doormat, or getting angry you are showing your spouse they have control over you and your feelings, POWER. Once they have that power over you, they no longer want you, because we all want something we can't have. What do you think drove them to cheat, wanting something they shouldn't have. That's also why when you give up and stop trying they want you back, because then you become something they shouldn't have. It happened with me, I know my W's friends talked sh*t about me, and supported my W leaving me. After some time I became the man she shouldn't have, and my value sky rocketed, good ole supply and demand.

 

So basically live your new life as best as you can. Forget what your wife or anyone else thinks and watch your value sky rocket. I get a lot of flack on here for one reason, everyone wants me to change, and I refuse to. If you noticed I get a lot of people following my posts and telling me I'm wrong. The only reason they follow me is because I am different which means I stand out in a crowd. So your choice is really this simple, stand up be an individual or blend into the crowd of millions exactly like you. The choice is yours my friend.

[aimchase]

Thanks guys,

 

I agree that the grieving process is not linear, although something has truly clicked over the last month and I now see the light. I don't think i'll be going back to any denial or depression, and I never really begged for her back. I just left myself open to her coming back. Anyway, that is behind me (thank God!)

 

I really don't know if she'll come running back, but I don't care. As I said in my other thread, she mistakenly thought I was seeing another woman and text messaged me the other day to say that she was 'glad I was moving on' and wished me all the best, followed by several kisses. As I didn't respond, she then quizzed me on it when I next went to see the kids. Who knows if that message was exactly what it said on the tin, or whether it was an attempt at control, or trying to get me to think of her again.

 

We shall see, the days are young. But i'm heading out tonight and am going to have a ball. Not ready for another relationship? Definitely not - i'm happy to roll with a girl but would just want it to be light hearted and playful at the moment. I wouldn't want it getting serious, unless something mutually clicked between us.

 

It is true though that the best (and only way) forward is to be a great father and prove that my independence is once again back.

Edited March 6, 2010 by aimchase

[tnttim]

Wow that's awesome, you're on the right track.

 

The thing I learned about women and relationships is that they just want to have fun. If you keep up this "I don't care, I just want to have fun" attitude you will attracting so many women your friends will be green with envy, and your W too is she see's it. I did the same thing, I woke up one day and said to myself "F*ck this miserable life, I just wanna have fun" From that day forward I was forever changed. When I went out to have fun, I lost all the fear of being rejected and talked to a lot of women. I wanted to beat the old me up for not realizing it sooner, but live and learn until you die.

[aimchase]

tn, sorry for my ignorance here but i'm not truly up on your situation.

 

So you're separated and moving on? Does your ex still bother you? Does she ask for you back? Are you now divorced?

[mimidarlin]

aimchase,

It's easy to advise others on behavior when we are not in the thick of it. Your emotions were influencing your decisions and reactions. It makes you angry but remember you're human. Being angry is helping you remember what your core values are so that you can move on and let go. Let go of wanting reconciliation because your eyes are open now.

[tnttim]

I am in the reconciliation process with my wife. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been, but it is taking a lot of work on both of our parts.

[aimchase]

Thanks Mimi and Tn,

 

Woah, great night! Just a friend and I went out in the end but it was great, as we just decided to mix with various crowds. Three women gave me their phone numbers! I'm not going to call them as i'm not really interested in any of them, but it was a great confidence boost and assured me that there's a big world of opportunity out there.

 

Not once, all night, did I think of the ex!

 

Woke up this morning, very late as didn't get home til 4:30am. Just had a missed call from the ex. I'm pretty sure she was going to ask if I want to go out with the children - it's a lovely day and it'd be nice for them to get outside and have a play.

 

It's a tough one as i'd love to see them but don't want her thinking i'm still around for her. Watch this space....

[tnttim]

You better have taken that opprotunity to spend a day as a family. I think a lot of people would sell a kidney to get one more afternoon with their family. Relish every minute of it because you never know when it's gonna be the last.

 

It's great to hear your going out and having fun, the best medicine in the world is fun. You know a reason those girls gave you their number for and bet you never thought of it. Because you didn't show as much interest in them as you would have if you were looking for a girlfriend. You were some what of challenge to them because you weren't showing the usual interest guys show them, you were different, and girls love different. I bet you didn't stare at their boobs or tell them how hot they were either.

[aimchase]

Thanks tn,

 

You know what? I really don't feel I belong on this site, as I seem to act against the good advice that others give. I really love it on LS and have made some great ground, but I just don't seem to consitently implement the wise words that are passed to me.

 

I did indeed go over to see the children, and we had a lovely day. Ok, i'll make the next bit quick, because it's not easy to admit.

 

Took kids to bed, had dinner with ex, drunk wine, ended up having incredible sex Sunday evening.

 

Had day off work yesterday but had to do a few things. She asks me if i'd like to come over again in afternoon. I do so as I like playing with the kids and having the company. Repeat of Sunday - stayed over, a few glasses of wine, had sex with her for the second day in a row.

 

It's not like i'm looking for reconciliation though, as i'm not. She still guards her phone like the crown jewels and is texting one or two blokes back and forth whilst i'm there. I enjoy the company (and sex), but could not look to discuss getting back with her. I don't have any trust in her and the events of the past have broken the special bond we had. Is it repairable? God knows. Not at the moment.

 

The first night while we were 'at it', she whispered in my ear, 'I miss you'. I just replied in a light hearted, humorous way, 'shut up'.

 

The following night she said words to the effect of 'if only we could....no I can't say it....we're moving on now'. I didn't even respond to that.

 

Today I hear that she has changed her FB profile pic to one where we were all family, though she's edited it so it just shows her with our son. You can just make out the edge of me and our daughter beside her.

 

She has also contacted my mother today, for the first time in months and months. She apparently said 'it's been too long'. I know my mother responded and would have been nice with her words, but I don't know what she said.

 

I was meant to see the children tonight by usual agreement but thought we'd seen a bit too much of each other. I need quiet time now, as does she.

 

Do I know what I feel now? Yes and no. I know that I couldn't go back to her at the moment, not sure about the future. I always feel that there's an alterior motive with her, and so much trust is gone.

 

Do I know what she feels now? Not a clue, but it's particularly odd that she's contacted my mother again.

 

Anyway, chastise me til your heart's content. I know it goes against everything that has been said, but i'm big enough to be honest and take it on the chin.

 

Aim

[mimidarlin]

Oh aimchase....I can honestly say that I would be up for some rebound sex with the STBX. It's been to long...I miss it. It would complicate everything and I might feel angry with myself afterward.

 

The biggest mistake I see in the situation is that you did where your children would be aware that it was happening. You're not looking for reconciliation really. You aren't the first person to fall back into what's familiar and comfortable. Just remember that this affects the kids too. Are they old enough to be aware that mommy and daddy are sleeping together? Will it get their hopes up?

 

You're a big boy. Your eyes are pretty open to the reality. Just be careful for the kids sake.

[aimchase]

Mimi,

 

The kids never knew about it. As far as they were concerned, I came to see them and slept downstairs, as i'd moved down there before they got up.

 

It's strange because i'm aware that the stbw is a bit of an internet addict and looks for people to talk to online. It used to bother me, but doesn't now, apart from the fear that she's potentially 'letting in' people who aren't as they seem, and who could prove a problem for the children.

 

She doesn't have friends in the normal world - she never holds them for long, due to unreliability, dishonesty etc. All part of the assumed Personality Disorder she suffers from - the internet provides her with a platform to be someone who isn't known for or judged on her true character.

 

Anyway, I guessed that there would be a sudden hit on the sites (she'd given it a break for a couple of weeks). Right on cue - we spend time together, she immediately pursues the net after I leave, for life's next chapter. It's very strange. There's a definite corellation, as there is when she's stressed too. I know she's also being pressed to pay various debts.

 

Anyway, it's a strange place to be at the moment!

[tnttim]

The internet thing sounds a lot like my W. My W recently admitted being an attention seeker, and I'm assuming the net fills that just fine. Your W may be getting the same release my W gets from being on the net all day. It's very easy to be someone else and attract attention on the net.

 

Does your W make friends, and then lose them just as quick? I'm assuming yes, which makes sense. They get attention from someone, then as it fades they turn to negative attention, like starting a silly fight. Sounds like our W's need to grow up and start being adult about things.

[aimchase]

The internet thing sounds a lot like my W. My W recently admitted being an attention seeker, and I'm assuming the net fills that just fine. Your W may be getting the same release my W gets from being on the net all day. It's very easy to be someone else and attract attention on the net.

 

Does your W make friends, and then lose them just as quick? I'm assuming yes, which makes sense. They get attention from someone, then as it fades they turn to negative attention, like starting a silly fight. Sounds like our W's need to grow up and start being adult about things.

 

 

My word, does she. One day she has the best friend in the whole world and won't stop going on about her. Ten minutes later she won't exist (I say ten minutes, I more mean weeks or maybe even a couple of months).

 

Attention seeking, compulsive lying, chronic depression, runs rather than faces problems, easily influenced and can morph to fit into a group of people, overly flirtatious (then moans that men only want her for one thing)......I could go on and on.

 

The most hurtful thing is that they don't even consider the upset and pain that their behaviour and lies causes other people. Hence why they don't keep friends wrong, but particularly hard hitting when you've been in a relationship with them.

 

Anyway, there's a far better world out there. I know that only too well.