Fallen Angel Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Skylar, When I read about the way your MM is treating you, it makes me so sad. It reminds me a lot of my exH. How he told you to "not look sad", that reminded me of when after my ex would punch me in the back of the head when we were somewhere people were (he would take me to the bathroom, or someplace "private" to "talk" to me) he would tell me afterwards to smile, "or people will think something is wrong". I wanted so badly to scream out at people that "something is wrong!!!!" but instead I plastered on a smile. And him buying you pretty panties... wtf?? I swear, I want to stab him. Like somehow a piece of jewlery and some silk will make up for what you have been through... will somehow make everything better... *sigh* I used to have dreams sometimes about killing my now exH.... revenge fantasy kinda stuff.. (I have this amazing ability to be cruel and torturous in my dreams, while in real life, I tend to cower from conflict of any nature) I think after reading this thread, my fantasy victim may wear a new face (or none as the anonymous MM of skylar's) when I sleep tonight. Have you ever read/watched The Color Purple? The way he treats you reminds me of a scene from that book/movie, where Celie is speaking to Shug about what it is like to have sex with Mr. and she says something to the effect of "it feels like he is doin' his business on me" .. I can't help but wonder if when he touches you, it ever feels that way to you, like he is just sh*tting on you.... knowing deep down how little he values you.. that is how I felt with my exH... when I valued myself again, I was able to walk away.... perhaps if I had taken a cue from Celie years ago...... Anyway, I guess I just wish you could love yourself, and know how valuable you really are.... when you do, you will not put up with someone who would treat you like he has. You deserve so very much more..... ((hugs my friend)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author skylarblue Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 You can also add to that that if he continues to contact you, his messages will be forwarded to his wife. I AM NOT SAYING TO DO THAT! but I think the threat of it will certainly get the message across. I’d LOVE to see the expression on his face if I said that. Priceless!!! Doll, I hate to say this, but it seems like you're a game to him… Funny, because I just finished watching a Saw movie and thought the A is like a Saw film when I read this. Where I thought it was my game and I was in 1st place, MM second and his W last, but in the end it’s not my game. It’s his and he is the leader, his W 2nd, and I am actually last. I had to LOL in amazement, awareness, and disbelief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skylarblue Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 You know how I feel sky ((hugs)) Keep reading the NC thread; keep reading jt's story. You can do it. I hate how he told you to smile when you were on your way to do what you did. I hate how he wasn't there for YOU. Not physically, not emotionally...nothing. Those gifts are bribery. I can't believe he bought you sexy underwear after what you have been through. That shows ME what he thinks of you -- you are the girl he has sex with. And what woman doesn't like jewelry. FallenAngel gave you some fantastic advice -- try to see how we see you -- a wonderful young woman who doesn't value herself nearly like she should. You deserve more from a relationship. You deserve a man who will put your feelings ahead of his own at times. You deserve a man who isn't sneaking around to see you, whispering in the phone. I hope you can break free --- you are entitled to have joy, happiness and love in your life. Yea, FA is such a sweetheart…I guess in a nutshell I just don’t want to feel like I’m just a “convenience” to MM; JUST the girl he has sex with anymore. Am I worth more than that? I don’t know. Do I deserve more than that? Yeah, I think so. I know (or honestly feel) that MM was just “using” me. I was totally fine with it because I didn’t FEEL used. I'm starting to feel used now, and I don’t like feeling that way. Same situation, different perception. I haven't been so gung-ho about being able to just break it off with MM, but I haven’t been at his beck-and-call like usual this week. Out of 4 days that he tried to see me, I only saw him once (I normally would have seen him 2-3x). I’ve only been taking his calls 2x/day (normally 5x/day) and the 2nd calls have consisted of me saying “sorry, but I can’t get out tonight…” (I’ve wanted to call him 10x a day though, but I kept telling myself not to). So I guess I’m trying out the approach of “low” contact instead of NC…I’m sure he’ll call to see if I’m going to see him tonight, but since he didn’t bother to call last night me (we usually see each other these nights) then f*ck want he wants tonight. I’m “busy”. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skylarblue Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 Skylar, When I read about the way your MM is treating you, it makes me so sad. It reminds me a lot of my exH. How he told you to "not look sad", that reminded me of when after my ex would punch me in the back of the head when we were somewhere people were (he would take me to the bathroom, or someplace "private" to "talk" to me) he would tell me afterwards to smile, "or people will think something is wrong". I wanted so badly to scream out at people that "something is wrong!!!!" but instead I plastered on a smile. And him buying you pretty panties... wtf?? I swear, I want to stab him. Like somehow a piece of jewlery and some silk will make up for what you have been through... will somehow make everything better... *sigh* I used to have dreams sometimes about killing my now exH.... revenge fantasy kinda stuff.. (I have this amazing ability to be cruel and torturous in my dreams, while in real life, I tend to cower from conflict of any nature) I think after reading this thread, my fantasy victim may wear a new face (or none as the anonymous MM of skylar's) when I sleep tonight. FA, at times you make me laugh, at times you make me cry. You’re such a doll…Funny, I’ve several times read some of your posts and felt so hurt and angry for you that I’ve pictured myself kicking and beating the sh*t out of your xH, and then spitting on him as I walked away from his battered and bloodied, b*tch-crying, fetal positioned body. Not very lady-like, but I think appropriate... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skylarblue Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 Have you ever read/watched The Color Purple? The way he treats you reminds me of a scene from that book/movie, where Celie is speaking to Shug about what it is like to have sex with Mr. and she says something to the effect of "it feels like he is doin' his business on me" .. I can't help but wonder if when he touches you, it ever feels that way to you, like he is just sh*tting on you.... knowing deep down how little he values you.. that is how I felt with my exH... when I valued myself again, I was able to walk away.... perhaps if I had taken a cue from Celie years ago...... Anyway, I guess I just wish you could love yourself, and know how valuable you really are.... when you do, you will not put up with someone who would treat you like he has. You deserve so very much more..... ((hugs my friend)) "it feels like he is doin' his business on me" .. I can't help but wonder if when he touches you, it ever feels that way to you… I don’t feel that way (I’ve work out a way to try to keep me from feeling that way), but I have felt that way several times. And it made me feel completely empty and worthless…less than that…non-existent in a sense…I think you just perfectly summed up the whole probably for me “knowing deep down how little he values you”…I’m trying so hard to find meaning in things that MM does to show that I mean something (anything) to him…that he values me…I don’t think I should be having to convince myself of that. Something is wrong with that picture… Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 "it feels like he is doin' his business on me" .. I can't help but wonder if when he touches you, it ever feels that way to you… I don’t feel that way (I’ve work out a way to try to keep me from feeling that way), but I have felt that way several times. And it made me feel completely empty and worthless…less than that…non-existent in a sense…I think you just perfectly summed up the whole probably for me “knowing deep down how little he values you”…I’m trying so hard to find meaning in things that MM does to show that I mean something (anything) to him…that he values me…I don’t think I should be having to convince myself of that. Something is wrong with that picture… You are right, you should not have to convince yourself of that, it should be something he makes you feel, without even having to try, but simply because it is true. I will easily admit, that is one thing My Sweetheart does for me that very few people in my life ever have before.. he makes me feel valued. I wish knowing that I value you was enough to help you value yourself. ((hugs again, my friend)) Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Skylar, I think you would have more dignity, affection, peace of mind and self-respect if you were in a relationship with a toothless demented single man you picked up at a gritty downtown bus station. This A you are enduring is even WORSE than the usual. And 99.64% of them are quite bad! At this point, I strongly recommend that you drop the MM loser/abuser and find yourself a good psychiatrist to be screened, and I hope, treated for depression. My 2c. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 I don't think you have lost the opportunity to approach it from another standpoint .. Telling him that although you love him, you Deserve more from life .. and that you are a whole woman .. A whole woman eventually drops her worship of the MM .. and finds herself .. It is one thing to have the undying sacrificing love for a husband as to put his needs before yours - and in that situation it is expected that you are First with him, as well .. If you haven't been able to end it with the MM .. there will be other opportunitys and as you continue to find yourself .. Totally agree...sometimes it's not that easy, but eventually this will take place. SB, is there unfinished business? Sometimes this is the reason that what we know we should do, we don't. If you agree to unfinished business, then I would run everything through in your mind, figure out what that is and maybe the answer will just pop up and you will end it. First, I would remove all pressure and just be kind to yourself...the better you treat you, the more you will expect it from anyone in your life....that is when people begin to vacate, at least the ones that cannot treat you in a manor that is worthy. Right now you want to end it, although don't at the same time because you keep "hoping" the R will turn into what you want...try to take the pressure off of ending it or not ending it and focus more on what you want...has he ever asked you what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 Funny, because I just finished watching a Saw movie and thought the A is like a Saw film when I read this. Where I thought it was my game and I was in 1st place, MM second and his W last, but in the end it’s not my game. It’s his and he is the leader, his W 2nd, and I am actually last. I had to LOL in amazement, awareness, and disbelief. I've read your posts with great interest because of the view point that you put forth that his cheating with you made you superior to the marriage and W he was cheating on. Your honesty has always been refreshing. I'm sad to see you hurting with this realization, and yet glad to see you using it to empower you to do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skylarblue Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 I think things are back on track with MM. After essentially blowing him off (not in a good way) for a few days, he left a voicemail. I could tell he was a little miffed that I hadn’t been around and I was glad. So I called him and actually brought up some of the issues I was having. I wanted to know if he cared about me, how did he view and feel about our R, where is my standing in relation to his W…And I think he was honest in answering me. He said he did care for me a great deal. At first it was just sex, but that had change a long time ago. If he didn’t care about me he wouldn’t trust me like he does, wouldn’t have let me into his home and personal life, wouldn’t take all the risks and endure all of the suspicions and arguments from it; it wouldn’t have been worth it...He pointed out how he calls me from morning to night and he tries to see me all the time and most times it doesn’t revolve around what his W is doing. That I know he puts me first before his W many times, but at times that he can’t it has nothing to do with me. He just can’t pull it off sometimes. And how he is with his W because he has to be and with me because he wants to be…He apologized for times when he didn’t handle things correctly and for causing me any hurt or bad feelings lately... I still think continuing the A is going to be a bad decision in the end, but for now I think I am happy about where we seem to be and relieved that we seem to be in sync with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Skylar, I've just read your thread (missed it the first time around for some reason) and I'm sorry you're hurting right now. There is some fantastic advice here, and I haven't anything to add other than to say I hope you choose what's best for you and even though it easier in these situations to live in the short-term, please consider long-term too. ((((SB)))) Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Skylar Have you ever thought about getting help, real help for your self esteem issues? Have you ever tried counseling? Don't you think that getting your validation based on your perception of how a man values you in comparison to another woman is a shaky foundation to build on? This is just not sustainable Skylar. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 . And how he is with his W because he has to be and with me because he wants to be…He apologized for times when he didn’t handle things correctly and for causing me any hurt or bad feelings lately... You've fallen for this crap on a stick, hook line and sinker! I still think continuing the A is going to be a bad decision in the end, but for now I think I am happy about where we seem to be and relieved that we seem to be in sync with each other. Within 2 weeks you'll be posting here again about how hurt you are. I guess you haven't hit your rockbottom yet and need to go through more pain and heartache before you wake up and break up with him. Good luck Sky. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 OK, Look. You have hit rock bottom. This relationship is not just emotionally draining but hurtful to you. This is not a case of the benefits out weighing the inconvenience of seeing a MM. You have feelings for each other, yes. Tell me - if he told you: "My relationship with you is ruining my life, my health, my well being. " You love him so, hard as it would be, you would take yourself out of the picture - for him. Why wont he do that for you?? He could, if he loved you. He could, if he was selfless - which is what love requires. You have hit rock bottom. Just like a drug addict, but your drug of choice is MM. An addict doesnt ask their dealer for help kicking the habit. You have hit rock bottom and your MM, instead of helping you...has handed you a shovel. YOU HAVE TO STOP DIGGING Link to post Share on other sites
madhatter1122 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) I happened to come across this forum and thought it looked pretty interesting. I like how people are pretty open about issues that may or may not be popular or politically correct. About this particular issue and in response to Skylar I must admit that the man you are having an affair with is with you because you let him. You were interested in him, he knew it, and he took what was given. Honestly, I don't understand why you don't find yourself an older single man. This one is never going to leave his wife. I guarantee you. If you're ok with that then stay with it. But, you'll never actually be number one in his life no matter what line of b/s he gives you. He's in it for the sex and that's it, wake up. Men are men. They taketh what they 'can'. Do yourself a favor and find a guy that really takes care of ONLY 'you' and gives you the respect you deserve. I could never be a man's mistress, how degrading IMO, sorry. Edited March 22, 2010 by madhatter1122 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skylarblue Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 I’ve really never challenged or asked MM for anything. I really didn’t think it was my place to do so nor did I want to portray anything out of character than what he wanted me to be. It really does mean a lot to me that he is making a noticeable and notable effort to show me that the things that I want or think are important and that I am a priority to him because it is true that he really doesn’t have to be with me. I am a huge risk and I do cause a lot of problems for him in his M, and I’m sure he wasn’t looking for anything other than a PA (as was I), but he’s willing to prove things to me and I’m willing to give things another shot. If his intentions were to suck me back in, then mission accomplished, but I hope he isn’t just placating me for the moment. I’ve been nothing but good to MM for almost 6yrs and after everything that has happened, if anything, I hope he’d have the decency not to yank me around. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 I’ve really never challenged or asked MM for anything. I really didn’t think it was my place to do so nor did I want to portray anything out of character than what he wanted me to be. It really does mean a lot to me that he is making a noticeable and notable effort to show me that the things that I want or think are important and that I am a priority to him because it is true that he really doesn’t have to be with me. I am a huge risk and I do cause a lot of problems for him in his M, and I’m sure he wasn’t looking for anything other than a PA (as was I), but he’s willing to prove things to me and I’m willing to give things another shot. If his intentions were to suck me back in, then mission accomplished, but I hope he isn’t just placating me for the moment. I’ve been nothing but good to MM for almost 6yrs and after everything that has happened, if anything, I hope he’d have the decency not to yank me around. I've always admired your honesty, skylarblue. I'm really shocked that you never really asked him for anything given that you felt prioritized over everything else in his life. I think he's just yanking you around though. You've been nothing but good to him, except this situation following the pregnancy is different and he must placate you to keep you from jeopardizing the other things in his life. I hope you think of yourself and consider dumping him. I don't think he means you any good like you feel you have given him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 If his intentions were to suck me back in, then mission accomplished, but I hope he isn’t just placating me for the moment. I’ve been nothing but good to MM for almost 6yrs and after everything that has happened, if anything, I hope he’d have the decency not to yank me around. Time will tell.. Remember who you're dealing with (Referring to your last line about him having the decency to not yank you around..). Link to post Share on other sites
Author skylarblue Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 What is it you want then, SB? It looks to me like he's done NOTHING BUT yank you around. Maybe I'm just confused about what your expectations are. If you want him to leave his W, I don't see that anything has changed. He's still with her, and is going to continue to be with her. If you want to be his mistress, then... well, that's exactly what you've got. Jt, I am sorry. Maybe I don’t know what I really want. It seems I’ve just been running around in circles and trying to create any kind of stability for myself. Things used to be so simple and now its so “un-simple”. I don’t see MM as just the MM I’m seeing. I see him as the father of what would’ve been our baby. It’s kinda hard to explain in write, but I just feel like I should be with him and he should want to be with me. Kinda like we belong together. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But I also know I’m heading down a dead end street. I really am just mentally tired of thinking of everything and honestly I think I need the stability that MM is offering the R right now to not continue to drive myself crazy… Again, I really appreciate everyone letting me vent and I’m sorry that I’ve been so all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Jt, I am sorry. Maybe I don’t know what I really want. It seems I’ve just been running around in circles and trying to create any kind of stability for myself. Things used to be so simple and now its so “un-simple”. I don’t see MM as just the MM I’m seeing. I see him as the father of what would’ve been our baby. It’s kinda hard to explain in write, but I just feel like I should be with him and he should want to be with me. Kinda like we belong together. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But I also know I’m heading down a dead end street. I really am just mentally tired of thinking of everything and honestly I think I need the stability that MM is offering the R right now to not continue to drive myself crazy… Again, I really appreciate everyone letting me vent and I’m sorry that I’ve been so all over the place. How long has it been since the pregnancy ended? A lot of this sounds post-partum. Have you spoken to your doctor about your feelings? Given what you have just gone through, it makes sense. But I am NOT diagnosing you. Just giving you another consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_orchid Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Again, I really appreciate everyone letting me vent and I’m sorry that I’ve been so all over the place. Don't apologize for being all over the place... that is what these things do to you... I've been the same and so have many on here and it's quite normal. This man sounds like he won't be going anywhere anytime soon or making any changes to the status quo... he likes things the way they are... so you have your 'stability' but IS IT stability?? Is it making you happy and stable to continue having him in your life... I think not... If you can't bring yourself to finish with him verbally... and it's difficult for you for many reasons... but if you really want to do it, just cut the contact or send him a message saying you request no contact and ignore anything that comes back. Hugs to you. There's lots of support on here. Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Skylar - Once you start really living your life, not answering calls, emails, etc. he will understand. You have a LIFE. Let him get used to you not being available. Believe me - he will hate that. Then he can choose - stay with his W and work on M or move away. Link to post Share on other sites
one of billions Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 WTF…Why are so many women trying to hold on to married losers? What I find particularly sad is that a pregnancy was involved. Once again, I have to say that I don’t know your story, but it seems you have several issues and your married man is exploiting them for his own advantage. He wasn’t concerned about you being a “priority” before he thought you were going to leave him. The man who claims to care about you, but tells you to not to be sad while waiting to abort his baby…alone. Are you serious? Even if he treated you like a princess up to that point, that is disturbing. IMO he told you what you wanted to hear to keep you. Curious, how is he making you a “priority” now? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Sky, I was thinking about your other post, and it made me wonder something: Do you thing your MM is somehow beholden to you now because of your pregnancy? Do you think that since you've gone through this together that he is closer to you now? It made me think of a long time ago about half-way in my A, I would ask MM if he just saw me as a piece of a$$. He'd say, "of course not, you and I have been through too much and have too much history for that." But just because we had "history" didn't mean we would have the future I was hoping for. I just keep getting the feeling that you might think that if you stick with him long enough, he'll come around. Like if you just be everything he wants, he'll somehow reward you in the end. I thought about this too. Sky, I think you are deluding yourself if you think he feels he's been through something with you. I think he only sees that you did him a favor in the interest of keeping him in your life without complications. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Hi Sky...you know what...it's gonna be ok. There will come a time that enouph will be enouph. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, as there is a possibility that the "pressure" is keeping you there. Keep posting, learning and understanding what it is YOU want, not what anyone else wants for you, the ultimate decision is yours, you have the power! Take your power back, encourage yourself daily regardless of this situation. See your wonderful future. I used to focus soooo much on the problem that I usually went no where fast. I have noticed when "I" let it go, the problem left also.... You are way cool gf.... Link to post Share on other sites
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