Nikki Sahagin Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 I just wanted to discuss a trend i've noticed. It seems when the 'nice guy' is dumped, he metamorphosises into a player or bad guy. I've seen some of the nicest guys I know, when dumped, turn into misogynistic, hateful, bitter, arrogant and mean men who do attract the ladies (but normally quite insecure/needy ones of variable attractiveness). I'm not sure if the same is true for women; the 'nice girl' turned hussy? I'd consider myself a 'nice girl' but when I was dumped, I just put a wall up and after a short rebound, stayed away from men altogether. But do people do this to get their power back? As in, 'I was the nice one, now i'm going to be the nasty one' to make themselves feel better for their powerless position in their break-up? I just find it funny the number of good male friends i've known who have turned into jerks since being dumped and i'm sure women do as well - I just may not have noticed it. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 I was talking to a man on the train, and he basically told me that every player has been burned by a woman before. There is probably some truth to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted March 7, 2010 Author Share Posted March 7, 2010 But do you think women adopt the same mentality? Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 But do you think women adopt the same mentality? Women usually do the same thing over and over again, because that's what they're used to and they usually don't use sex as a means to let out anger or declare themselves dominant. It takes them longer to change their habits, but I find that they're less "ruined for life" than some players I've seen. Women will end up hating men, popping pills and reading astrology books though! Link to post Share on other sites
SomewhatExperienced Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I've seen this in myself A BIT. It's way too against my nature to be a player, but after being hurt by a girl I'm angry about what happened, yes, but I think deep down it really hurts your self-esteem. Maybe we just get into the mindset that girls can't actually care about us and even if they do it'll be transient, so we might as well sleep with a whole bunch cause we figure there's no point in really trying to develop true relationships. But this is probably just a phase, it'll pass. Link to post Share on other sites
homersheineken Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I was talking to a man on the train, and he basically told me that every player has been burned by a woman before. There is probably some truth to it. To be fair, most guys have been burned by a woman before - player or not Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I seperated from a cheating wife last yr. 6 months ago I had a woman ask me out then blow me off. Just this week I had a woman friend act like she liked me, asked me out then blew me off & now wants to still be friends & acts like nothing happened. I passed my bitter towards women stage back in my 20's. Yeah, basically being a dick to women did get me laid. But, It wasn't what I wanted really. I'm not bitter even now. I just pick up & move onto the next one. Link to post Share on other sites
crosswordfiend Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Women usually do the same thing over and over again, because that's what they're used to and they usually don't use sex as a means to let out anger or declare themselves dominant. It takes them longer to change their habits, but I find that they're less "ruined for life" than some players I've seen. Women will end up hating men, popping pills and reading astrology books though! Don't forget about the cats. It's all about the cats... Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Going to spare the usual "player is a sexist term" rant, as have typed it several times here before. Some men and women do get bitter after feeling they have been burned. Most men and women I know though, self included, wise up at some point, and learn to play by the same rules that mature people do in forming relationships. They don't fall into infatuation with any one person quickly before getting to know them. They don't foreclose options quickly in favor of a single relatively unknown option. They learn to value themselves and what they have to offer as much as they value the women who attract them. They become less tolerant of rudeness or disrespectful behavior. They don't take anyone's crap and try to rationalize it into roses. They learn that in order to have options, a person needs to be as generally attractive as they possibly can. They work on themselves physically, they develop social and flirtation skills, they learn that to have options (for men anyway) requires a volume of approaches they may have been previously uncomfortable with. They learn that the best things in life require effort, and don't fall in one's lap. They develop their career and seek success there. These kinds of changes in someone's character are for the better. They are healthy. As a man matures into a better, more masculine, relationship partner, he often ends up being branded a player wrongfully. Most of the threads here where the term is used give no good reason why the term is being applied. A man who becomes generally attractive is often dubbed a "player" merely because he has become discerning and good at relationships. He values himself highly and doesn't supplicate to women. After attaining enough experience with women, he becomes a challenge, and many women don't like this. He isn't "easy" any more, and some women resent this, as they know they will have to "measure up" just as much as he does. Most times the term is applied out of frustration it seems, rather than used legitimately to describe a deceptive person who takes what he can and leaves a trail of broken hearts. In most cases I've seen, the term "player" means "socially aware man who has the same options as the average woman and knows it." Some women rise to the challenge and realize they will have to bring as much to the table as he does. Others get angry and hurl insults. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 The truth is ALL players, whether they ever used to be "nice guys" or not, seek out insecure, needy women with low self-esteem. That's just part of the "game" they don't like to talk about. They are selective in other ways, too. Let's face it: swaggering, macho, He-Man behavior is a powerful image of what it means to be a man in our culture. It isn't the only image, but it is a pretty dominant one. What that means is that a certain percentage of women, consciously or unconsciouly, believe that is how "real men" are supposed to act, and so they're attracted to men who like that. Players know how to put up that front. Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 The following has been retrieved from www.urbandictionary.com. It's easy to use these terms in the attempt to mean something else... It seems when the 'nice guy' is dumped, he metamorphosises into a player Player: A male who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex. I'm not sure if the same is true for women; the 'nice girl' turned hussy? hussy: A slut, ho, whore We're all familiar with the double standard, let's try to eliminate it. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 If he becomes a player/terrible b/f material then he wasn't a ''nice guy'' to begin with. Good people stayed true to themselves and ditch bad apples. Using the ''I'm a player because I got burned too much'' is a lame excuse to not take responsibilities for your own actions. The new comers don't deserve your excuses anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I don't understand the logic here. Let's use my situation as an example: I was engaged, moved to another country to be with that woman and at the end of the day got burned beyond recognition. So I came back devastated, bitter, angry, questioning what love is in general and start to try and begin the "healing process" for myself. Now what do my friends say (both guys & girls)? "Hey, there's no need to rush. Go out and have a good time". So I go out and meet girls. Sleep with some of them but then when the talk of a relationship comes up I told them I wasn't ready. Some of them get upset and some of them are determined to make me believe that they are the one to get me back on the right track. Again, everyone involved knows what is going on. Does this make me a player? No it's part of the "healing" and women do the same thing. Then when you're ready again you get involved with someone again (which I have). EVERYONE becomes a player at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 EVERYONE becomes a player at some point. I playz 24.7 Just kidding. Well, sort of. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I playz 24.7 Just kidding. Well, sort of. *thinks of response* :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Pizzaman81 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I just wanted to discuss a trend i've noticed. It seems when the 'nice guy' is dumped, he metamorphosises into a player or bad guy. I've seen some of the nicest guys I know, when dumped, turn into misogynistic, hateful, bitter, arrogant and mean men who do attract the ladies (but normally quite insecure/needy ones of variable attractiveness). I'm not sure if the same is true for women; the 'nice girl' turned hussy? I'd consider myself a 'nice girl' but when I was dumped, I just put a wall up and after a short rebound, stayed away from men altogether. But do people do this to get their power back? As in, 'I was the nice one, now i'm going to be the nasty one' to make themselves feel better for their powerless position in their break-up? I just find it funny the number of good male friends i've known who have turned into jerks since being dumped and i'm sure women do as well - I just may not have noticed it. Hmm I'm not a player, but I am sometimes overly confident when approaching women which may seem like I am a player... or I am just doing it wrong. But sure, I've been burned many times in high school for being the "nice guy" Not anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 lol. I always get labeled a player. I smoke, I drink, and I am covered in tattoos. Women always think I am a player. Sad to say all my ex's know me as a teddy bear. Sucks to try to work around the "player swagger" when you really aren't a player anymore. (early twenties, for like a year and a half, I dogged it, dog!) I can has player skillz? Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I'm all over tats. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 (edited) I'm all over tats. Just got new Inkz on friday! lol. It's detrimental, I swear! People either think I am going to fight them or f*ck them and never talk to them again. Then again, once the shirt comes off and the rib pieces are out, women generally stop talking. I'm 27 now, so the whole player thing isn't me. Edited March 9, 2010 by silic0ntoad Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I just wanted to discuss a trend i've noticed. It seems when the 'nice guy' is dumped, he metamorphosises into a player or bad guy. I've seen some of the nicest guys I know, when dumped, turn into misogynistic, hateful, bitter, arrogant and mean men who do attract the ladies Perhaps that is the path of some men, but I firmly believe we should each follow our own path, regardless of intrusions on it by others. I choose not to become a 'player' or 'jerk', rather learn from experience and erect appropriate boundaries for healthier future relationships. One example is I don't take cr@p from women anymore. I push back. Another is I don't accept tampon duty. I focus on the positive and expect mutual interest and attention or I walk away. Bye-bye Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Perhaps that is the path of some men, but I firmly believe we should each follow our own path, regardless of intrusions on it by others. I choose not to become a 'player' or 'jerk', rather learn from experience and erect appropriate boundaries for healthier future relationships. One example is I don't take cr@p from women anymore. I push back. Another is I don't accept tampon duty. I focus on the positive and expect mutual interest and attention or I walk away. Bye-bye Ah, see, the above makes you a "player" in the way the term is most often used. Many people would rather think that they got "used" by a "player" rather than just nexted because of their own behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I think there is some truth to this. The problem is when they do finally meet someone worthwhile they wind up sabotaging a good, loving relationship. That's why anyone should really think it through before compromising their original values. I don't think it is so easy to revive them again. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 If he becomes a player/terrible b/f material then he wasn't a ''nice guy'' to begin with. Good people stayed true to themselves and ditch bad apples. Using the ''I'm a player because I got burned too much'' is a lame excuse to not take responsibilities for your own actions. The new comers don't deserve your excuses anyways. I agree 100%. That is why I put "nice guys" in quotes. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 There are four basic emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, and fear. Of the dark ones, men are generally more comfortable expressing (and socialized to express) anger than sadness or fear. Sadness they tend to express in private (baby); fear they try to hide (wimp). That leaves anger. Anger is more often construed as a masculine emotion. It's hard, it's rough, it's aggressive, it's mean. Women are usually more comfortable expressing sadness and fear. Anger is the one that women are socialized to suppress the most. It's OK to be sad and scared (because it's feminine, and a big, strong man will wipe away your tears and protect you), but not so OK to be angry (bitch). But anyone caught in the grip of sadness, fear, or anger is someone who has been hurt. Men and women just tend to react to that hurt differently. For myself, I have had my own string of failed relationships. But I'm a pretty positive person, and I choose to learn from them rather than stay stuck in a spiral of suffering. I am fully aware that my failures in relationships (and life) are tied to the choices I have made. And I know I am smarter now and will choose more wisely in the future. A few months ago, I ended things with a guy I was dating because I recognized that he fit squarely into my pattern, and I could see from the first hints the way things would have unfolded if I'd stayed with him. In the past, I would have ignored his flaws and focused on his many wonderful qualities, even though I'd have known from the outset what would ultimately cause our demise. (Now he is determined, once again, to "be my friend" -- how do I handle this, oh LS oracle?! hehe) I also know that you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. So, no matter what I want to do with men -- whether marry, date, or just have sex, I'm going to have a lot more success and way more fun taking the honey approach. Link to post Share on other sites
zhsoj Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I'm a nice person/guy. I've had desperate thoughts along the lines of "no relationship could ever be worth it" after a split. I have them normally even. The most I would do is share my depressive thoughts with close friends and simply ignore women for any romantic purpose. Since a woman has never asked me out I've never had to deal with that frankly. Otherwise I don't change my ways, I just may be a bit more depressed and closed off than normal. Anyone that would become a player or "bad" guy is frankly not very mature and needs a swift knock upside the head. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts