Enema Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Women usually do the same thing over and over again.... Pretty sure that's the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. Whereas men feel the need to fix problems. So if the first thing they tried (nice guy) didn't work, they'll try something else. ("player"). Far more black and white, you just need to understand that men are simple. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Perhaps that is the path of some men, but I firmly believe we should each follow our own path, regardless of intrusions on it by others. I choose not to become a 'player' or 'jerk', rather learn from experience and erect appropriate boundaries for healthier future relationships. One example is I don't take cr@p from women anymore. I push back. Another is I don't accept tampon duty. I focus on the positive and expect mutual interest and attention or I walk away. Bye-bye I am trying to train myself to be like this. For the most part I succed. But, for every 3 I send packing 1 slips through in stealth mode & you read about her here on LS LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 IMO, the single most pertinent thing a man can do to improve the quality and health of his relationships is to refrain from thinking with his dick. Take the bald avenger out of the equation and look at things clearly. Exercise him occasionally with a healthy and compatible partner but keep a tight leash. Engage the big head to discern the health and compatibility of that partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I agree with carhill's suggestion. You should always rub one out before making any important decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 These are men who learn their lesson well. They learn fast that treating a woman well gets them nowhere in life and just gets them walked all over so they switch up their approach and have much success. If women don't like it they should have appreciated these men when they were nice guys. I agree with the other poster who says that almost every player was once a nice guy and almost every time when they became a player they saw their success with women vastly improve. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Wog's, I see the players out there and I see their 'success', but, you know, I want to be 'successful' with a woman who is compatible with me, not them. So, if that necessarily limits potentials, that's what it does. I accept that. I wish those others well. You should always rub one out before making any important decision. Good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Wog's, I see the players out there and I see their 'success', but, you know, I want to be 'successful' with a woman who is compatible with me, not them. So, if that necessarily limits potentials, that's what it does. I accept that. I wish those others well. Good advice. True but until a man finds the right one why not have one with all the women that would chew you up and spit you out the minute you treat them well? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 IDK, it just doesn't interest me. I've tried to get on board with that philosophy, spring-boarding some of the resentment from my divorce, but it just doesn't work for me, so, personally, I have to go with what works in my life. Good friends and valuing life seems to work so I'm going with that. If a good woman comes along, bonus Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 IDK, it just doesn't interest me. I've tried to get on board with that philosophy, spring-boarding some of the resentment from my divorce, but it just doesn't work for me, so, personally, I have to go with what works in my life. Good friends and valuing life seems to work so I'm going with that. If a good woman comes along, bonus Wahatever floats your boat but I enjoyed the empowerment I got from my player year. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Probably stems from me being old enough to be your father. It's just a different time of life. I understand your perspective. It makes sense at that age. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 These are men who learn their lesson well. They learn fast that treating a woman well gets them nowhere in life and just gets them walked all over so they switch up their approach and have much success. If women don't like it they should have appreciated these men when they were nice guys. I agree with the other poster who says that almost every player was once a nice guy and almost every time when they became a player they saw their success with women vastly improve. I agree. Except the type of women these guys attract are emotional train wrecks used for sex only. If that's what you want more power to ya. I've been there & it does get old. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 Ah, see, the above makes you a "player" in the way the term is most often used. Many people would rather think that they got "used" by a "player" rather than just nexted because of their own behavior. That's an interesting perspective. I learned about accepting perception within MC; IOW accepting that a behavior/action/word might be perceived in a way not anticipated nor intended. I also learned about taking responsibility for one's own perceptions and feelings. Hence, if someone were to perceive my described behaviors as those of a 'player', I accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 That's an interesting perspective. I learned about accepting perception within MC; IOW accepting that a behavior/action/word might be perceived in a way not anticipated nor intended. I also learned about taking responsibility for one's own perceptions and feelings. Hence, if someone were to perceive my described behaviors as those of a 'player', I accept that. Replace the word "player" with the word "abuser," still accepting the validity of others' perceptions? If so, then how about "alcoholic," "racist," or "impotent?" It's a neat therapeutic tool to get folks to entertain another's point of view, there are limits though. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottdmw Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I come at this from a different perspective than most on this board probably. I believe pretty strongly in old-fashioned sexual values, like delaying sexual activity for as long as possible preferably until marriage (and staying married). I think that sex has a tendency to bond people a lot more strongly and quickly than they'd like to admit, and that when relationships break up both men and women get badly and lastingly hurt. I don't think we were ever really made to endure a series of such breakups. Our nature is such that we can handle one or two, but when we get to more than that we are straining the system to do something it wasn't really designed for. So, based on this it wouldn't surprise me at all that many men, and probably many women as well, change their personalities for the worse as a result of painful breakups. Scott Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Replace the word "player" with the word "abuser," still accepting the validity of others' perceptions? If so, then how about "alcoholic," "racist," or "impotent?" It's a neat therapeutic tool to get folks to entertain another's point of view, there are limits though. IMO, they can say anything they want. I've learned to give people's (society in general or persons in particular) perspectives the weight they deserve. I can accept such labels as their perspective and care less about whether that perspective impacts my self-worth, self-image or value to those who genuinely care for me. IOW, their existence is only as relevant to me as I choose it to be Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I have noticed this phenomenon. A couple of my exes were players, but before that they had been in love with some girl who had dumped them, so now they acted like selfish jerks. My friend was dumped by a girl and he became a player; he actually said that he gets more girls by being a jerk than by being a nice guy, ad he felt that being a nice guy got him nowhere so he got all angry and decided to be a jerk instead. I have also noticed this in myself... I was a nice girl until I got dumped, beaten up, and dumped three more times (by different guys). Then I wised up a bit and started doing what was best for me; I became very selfish and I broke up with a good few guys. To begin with I was totally innocent and would never have dreamed of dumping someone, because I was all romantic idealism and trust and love. But after a bit I learned how to play the game, and I figured out that I had to be selfish because everyone else was. I'm still looking for a guy who can make me feel that romantic idealism again, "true love" and all that, but perhaps it isn't possible now I'm so jaded Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 IOW, their existence is only as relevant to me as I choose it to be That's a very enlightened attitude, I still get pissed when slandered though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Perhaps that is the path of some men, but I firmly believe we should each follow our own path, regardless of intrusions on it by others. I choose not to become a 'player' or 'jerk', rather learn from experience and erect appropriate boundaries for healthier future relationships. One example is I don't take cr@p from women anymore. I push back. Another is I don't accept tampon duty. I focus on the positive and expect mutual interest and attention or I walk away. Bye-bye What is tampon duty? Sounds pretty bad. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 After I was cheated on then suddenly and unceremoniously dumped by my ex wife I went through a lot of changes. It hurt like hell, made me doubt everything about love and relationships. I immediately went intro rebuild mode. Lost about 50 lbs., changed my look and wardrobe. Read up on relationships, attraction even looked into some of the online pickup stuff. Since then I've become more successful with women then I was before the marriage. There was one women who dumped me, we're still friends. I was never an a*****le to women I would see. I was almost always respectful and treated them well. But I was very quick to eject from something if I wasn't feeling it. Sometimes it would happen after we would get intimate because I felt something missing in that department so rather than drag someone along I would just end it. There are probably a couple women out there who think I'm a player and jerk. Right now I'm taking a break for a couple months. Just not feeling the need to get involved right now. But if someone comes along and really knocks my socks off you never know. Still wonder if I'm too jaded though... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I've always been the happy medium between a basically sane and decent guy a little a bit of rough around the edges. THis general style didn't get me too many women, but I wasn't a woman or relationshipless either. So, not much changed after I got burned. I'm still pretty much the same. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 What is tampon duty? Sounds pretty bad. That's when you become a woman's emotional tampon rather than the romantic interest you hope to be. She cries on your shoulder about the jerk she's dating, tells you all her troubles while you actually think you have a chance. It's the friend zone squared... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Or, even as a 'friend', there is no mutual interest nor care, rather just a 'period' of whatever refuse they need to get out of their system. Find another can for that, honey Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I just wanted to discuss a trend i've noticed. It seems when the 'nice guy' is dumped, he metamorphosises into a player or bad guy. I've seen some of the nicest guys I know, when dumped, turn into misogynistic, hateful, bitter, arrogant and mean men who do attract the ladies (but normally quite insecure/needy ones of variable attractiveness). I think it is more them "acting" like a 'playa' than actually being one. Real playas try to hide their ways. But do people do this to get their power back? As in, 'I was the nice one, now i'm going to be the nasty one' to make themselves feel better for their powerless position in their break-up? I just find it funny the number of good male friends i've known who have turned into jerks since being dumped and i'm sure women do as well - I just may not have noticed it. No, people do this because they are bitter and feel they are somehow getting revenge for what was done to them. It is transparent as hell and most unattractive. They should be who they are because people can smell the inauthenticity of their actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 No, people do this because they are bitter and feel they are somehow getting revenge for what was done to them. It is transparent as hell and most unattractive. They should be who they are because people can smell the inauthenticity of their actions. If it is so unattractive why do men who make this switch see their success with women improve drastically? Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 If it is so unattractive why do men who make this switch see their success with women improve drastically? agreed It's a defense mechanism that works. It's not that the man is pretending to be someone he's not. He has in fact changed. Link to post Share on other sites
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