Anyone getting together with an ex when both of you are married now? Need Insight!

[rc2003]

I am a first time writer on here and am looking for someone who may have been in the same situation or could offer some candid advice.

 

I had a boyfriend for four years ago and we have been broken up for four years now. I am now 25 and he is now 30 but he broke up with me when I turned 21. I wanted to party, etc. and got bored with my relationship so we were often seperating and finally ended our relationship after he accused me of cheating on him. I was very immature then and didn't realize what a good thing I had. I mean he was a little on the jealous side, but I always felt safe and he really cared and loved me.

 

I realize just how much I miss the qualities the ex had. The two men are polar opposites. I married a sweet, funny, and caring person. I miss the confidence, intelligence, and strength the ex has. Although I do love my husband very much I feel confused since recently my ex and I have been in frequent e-mail conversation and are planning on meeting for drinks in the near future. Neither one of us has committed to a date yet but it is going to be in February. We have been e-mailing off and on for about a year.

 

I told my husband about the e-mail correspondence and while he was not particularly happy about it, he didn't make it a issue either. I told him we were going to meet for drinks or lunch and he thought I was kidding. I am not. I want to see the ex but am not sure why. My ex is physically more attractive than my husband but lacked the emotional qualities my husband possesses. When my ex and I write on e-mail I feel even more drawn to him.

 

The thing is we are both now married and recently he made a comment that made me wonder if he still has feelings for me too. He has been married longer than I have by two years. I said I was nervous after not seeing him for four years and he said this in his e-mail "Don't be nervous..it's just me. I hope she is OK with it because I will

see you if you want to. Plus we are both married...keeps us honest...or at least keeps us quiet seeing we both have alot to lose now if it gets all sweaty. Just kidding....kind of".

 

Do you think he is innocently flirting or maybe do you think he misses me too. Or am I just reading way too much into this.

 

I feel drawn to him and am wondering if meeting with an ex might end up in sex? What the heck do I talk about with someone after we are both married and haven't seen each other in all the years. I am nervous because I don't know what to expect and also, I don't know if I will feel regret that our relationship ended and I missed out. Is meeting even a good idea at all? I fee like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

Any words of advice are appreciated!

[quankanne]

it's natural to be curious how life has turned out for someone you'd once been emotionally involved with, but before you have coffee/lunch/briefly meet with the guy, you need to get some things straight in your mind:

 

just because you're both taking the time to play catch-up with each other, don't expect to find the relationship exactly where you left it. Both of you are married now, and have other, deeper emotional commitments to someone; you need to respect those commitments.

 

right now you're questioning yourself about the possibility of falling back into bed with the guy, and you need to stop that line of thinking immediately. In fact, I don't think you should meet with a former lover until you've got it straight in your mind that this is only a simple get-together in which you're catching up with that person. maybe your husband unconsciously has recognized that you're considering a fast roll in the hay and that's why he's uncomfortable with the idea of you and The Ex having lunch together. I guarantee, your hubby won't think twice about you meeting X if he knows that you no longer have an emotional tie to him, but are simply curious.

 

you also need to remember that despite how appealing your ex looks compared to the husband you love, he's an ex-boyfriend for a reason. Keep him that way, unless you plan to include and ex-husband in the mix.

 

When my ex and I write on e-mail I feel even more drawn to him

 

why? because he represents something mysterious and unknown, and he's the one that "got away," whereas your husband is the last person you will ever have sex with, will ever be involved so intimately with thanks to your marriage vows. So hell yeah, you feel drawn to your ex. But again, he's an ex for a reason. No need to get sucked into the drama of a relationship that will never resurface the way you guys had it before.

[rc2003]

Thanks, I think I need a cold shower and maybe not e-mail so much. Don't want to appear too eager here or send a wrong message. I just wonder if he is thinking the same thing. Luckily since we don't plan on meeting until later in February I have some time to figure out what is going on in my head since I definetly don't want to hurt my husband in anyway. I do have to remember the reasons why we broke up and keep that fresh in my head when we meet. He wasn't always the nicest to me and was very possessive which led me to seek attention from other people. When he came back into my life with a few e-mails, I think I got wrapped into all the excitement with him being from my past and all.

[dfhsadfjkhdsf]

grass always looks greener on the other side. i dont really care what you wrote about your husband cause all you said was basically insults to him. how unfair to him. yall broke up for a reason. grow up!

[rc2003]

Thank you. I need someone to tell me straight up. You are right about the grass being greener and all.

[quankanne]

being curious is very natural, but you have done yourself a good thing by expressing that curiousity before you've met up with him!

 

... i think in a way -- no matter how bad the break up -- we tend to romanticize or long for a relationship that didn't end well. I think that once you see him again, you're going to be very, very pleased with your choice of husband

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I have a quick question for you. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? I guess you do not think about this since your husband loves and respects you too much to consider meeting with his ex for drinks and wondering if he will end up have sex with his ex-girlfriend. In addition, you continue to email your ex and flirt. Your comment that you do not wish to hurt your husband is ludicrous. You are totally disrespecting him. It sounds like you are far too immature to be married.

Why not be totally honest with your husband and tell him you are wondering if you will have sex with your ex when you meet him for drinks in February? Why not allow your husband to understand the person he is really married to so he can wonder what it would be like to be married to another woman who truly loves and respects him and does who not think about reconnecting and wondering if she would want to have sex again with an old boyfriend. I am sure he would be very proud to have you as his wife if he knew everything you were thinking. What do you think?

[Fancy]

In my opinion, you KNOW you're doing wrong. You've tried to vindicate your actions by telling your husband you've been in contact. Does he know all the contents of these emails? I think perhaps you're feeling that marriage is a bit "mundane" and you're looking for a little spice in your life.

 

If your ex is as confident and intelligent and you said he is, he wouldn't be carrying on a flirtatious email relationship and making plans to see a married woman.

 

If you're smart you'll stop this right now before it goes any further. I think you know inside where this meeting will end. If you're willing to play with fire, be willing to bear the scars of your burns.

[reservoirdog1]

You sound like you need a great example of the "grass" not being "greener." My TBXW told me in August that she'd been unhappy for our whole 7-year marriage and had had 3 affairs during it. I knew nothing of this and thought we had a great marriage. She also revealed that, in order to be happy in marriage, she needs somebody who is, in terms of personality, a "Y" (I'm an "X").

 

Anyway, she also told me that, in the last few years, she'd "fantasized" about being a single mother -- living in a nice apartment with our two kids, without me there. We separated on November 1 and I'm planning on carrying it through to divorce. There's no basis of commonality that I can see and nothing to build on, especially given what she says she needs in order to be happy.

 

Since I moved out, she's made three separate attempts to get me back. Two were in November, and the third was this past week. I resisted all of them (though we did talk about reconciliation for a week in November). Since Christmas, the furnace in her place has broken down, her car has broken down, our 2.5 YO son dumped enamel paint all over the carpet at her house, and we had a snowfall. She's coming home every evening to a dark house. (Naturally I do too on the days that I have the kids.) When she made last week's attempt to get me back, it was mostly prefaced on "I want to be a family again, I don't like being a single parent." She DIDN'T say, "I love you, I can't live without you, you're the only one for me..." That omission speaks volumes.

 

So, she's discovered that the fantasy and the reality are totally different. The point I'm making is, to use an obvious cliche, "Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it." My TBXW sacrificed the "mundanity" of married life for a fantasy that is simply that -- a fantasy. The "spice" that she thought she'd get was all a tantalizing illusion.

 

Break off all contact with your ex and work on your marriage. I think you know the answer to your own question.