toots307 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Ok - I was listening to a talk radio show and the topic was sex after marriage. Numerous men called in and they all agreed that sex got much worse after marriage - that the wife just stopped being interested and stopped making an effort when prior to marriage she was wanting sex all the time. What are people's thoughts on this???? Link to post Share on other sites
rc2003 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Well, I would tend to agree. I thought it would be more frequent because we are newlyweds and it is so the opposite. It's like all the chemistry and excitement went out the window. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 I don't understand that - I can't imagine that getting married would make me suddenly not want sex. I can for sure see some women pretending to be a porn queen thinking that's what the man wants and then once they have them 'tied down' so to speak they may then start being themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I've experienced exactly the opposite. It depends on the age when getting married. The male sexual peak (hormonal) is between 15 - 25. The female sexual peak (hormonal) is between 25-45. Guys get married to have consistent sex -- its their hormones, and women have consistent sex to get married. I know -- that is a big generalization and I meant it to be that. Go ahead, bash away! If couples stay together long enough they will experience a shift in assertive sexual activity. And look at how many females come to this forum complaining about their husbands not wanting sex anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
rc2003 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Well, I am a 25 year old woman and now we barely mess around at all. My husband is 28 so all body parts should be on their A game. Sometimes they are not. I think this is our problem but I think after getting married, a lot of the relationship or engagement excitement goes away. My thoughts are to try and keep things as fresh as possible and never give up. Try new things too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 I did notice that a lot of women come on here complaining about husbands not wanting it. I guess what I want to know is - does it have anything at all to do with marriage???? Or is it just 2 people get bored or one of them gets bored or one of them was just not being who they really are sexually before getting married - that sort of thing. Like there's not some screwed up subconscious mental thing that happens when a woman gets hitched that makes her think 'good - I've got him now on to more important things' I really feel like if anything did change sexually after I got married that I'd just have it more considering I would have more access to my man and not have to arrange times to get together or worry about roommates being in the house etc.etc. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I can for sure see some women pretending to be a porn queen Pretending? honey, I *was* the love goddess, then I got married and that put a screeching halt to my sex life. not because I'm tired of my husband or him of me, but because "real life" happened. there's stress from work, there's stress to stay ahead economically, there's trying to carve out a time for the two of you when you've got a child or two or four and you suddenly take on a new identity. There are health issues (physical and mental), too: One of the LS regulars has talked about how her marriage became sexless because of health problems her husband faced and how she's had to find a way to work through that and with that, something that I also face as my husband is in a similar situation. That's not to say we don't value sex or want it any less, but have grown to understand that a relationship moves and grows when it faces any kind of change .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 rc: How long were you engaged?? Did you live together before getting married?? How long have you been married?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author toots307 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 Ok quankanne, you are giving me some great info here. For me though, I'm 29, I already have my career underway, I am already fiancially responsible and I've been independent for several years. My boyfriend is also 29, he owns his own house, has his own business, has been on his own since he was 12. I can see if one day we have children it will change our sex life. But I don't see why saying 'I do' would make our sex life worse. Anyone jump in here - opinions are welcome. And I just want to clarify, I didn't mean to imply that every woman pretends to be a 'porn queen.' I just know that my roommate could care less about sex - she could go months and months without it and not give a damn yet she's over servicing her man several times a week and I really don't think she's the only person in the world that acts like that. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 It's really a couple by couple determination. It's not marriage, per se, that causes a loss of ardor. Rather, familiarity and routine--the loss of novelty-- results in quantitative, but not necessarily qualitative, decline. Marriage is not necessarily the root of a loss of desire. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 There are ebbs and flows quality-wise but truthfully, except for some phases through the small kid stage - frequency was fine. My ex seemed to crave more variety than me and found it elsewhere - that was the problem. We were together (more or less) for 20 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Have you ever heard the saying familiarity breeds contempt? Life does get in the way sometimes, hormones change, routines become established, and the novelty of sex wears off. That is natural. There used to be an old saying that in the first year of marriage a couple can put a matchstick into a bowl every time they have sex. Beginning with their second year of marriage they remove a matchstick every time they have sex. It will take five years to empty the bowl. It has nothing to do with manipulation and trapping a man (or a woman) it just IS. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 It has nothing to do with manipulation and trapping a man (or a woman) it just IS. So true. So true. Link to post Share on other sites
rc2003 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 hey toots, Dated for three years and was engaged for a year after. So 4 years of dating and 4 months of being married. Yeah. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 well I read somewhere that sexual frequency at the time of marriage or setting up home together is on average twice your long term base. Apparently the first 12 months sees a 50 per cent drop and then over the next 20 years or so it halves again....so I guess you should get bopping so that when the inevitable happens you're both still above average (twice a week is apparently the average after the initial drop - yes, these are just averages of course some couples even after a year do it more and many much less).... Still, this drop happens for all couples. Why is that? Well, boredom doesn't seem to be the only explanation for the early drop (especially for those partnerships that have been on the go for months rather than years before marriage)but familiarity with anything makes your senses shut down slightly; and as you feel safer and more at ease with a partner your anxiety levels drop. Both of these things will lead to a lower level of physical arousal leading to reduced sexual desire. (Think about it - it's not uncommon when couples get back together after one has had an affair that the sex for a while becomes as frantic and frequent as when they first met. Anxiety=arousal (I am NOT btw, recommending an affair as a way to spice up a dead sex life since desire, post affair will always return to base rate once the emotional stuff has settled down). Still, maybe that's a hidden factor as to why cohabiting couples have more sex than married people, regardless of how long they've been together, less security=more anxiety=more desire... So there's not 'escaping the natural 'downhill' slide that happens when coping with life events as well as the dynamics of life as a couple. The carefree and frequent nature of early sex (and yes the anxiety/excitement of finding private space when there are parents/flatmates/relatives around..) is in part due to the fact that you don't have to negotiate the issues that crawl out from under the bed when you're married. So while there is sex after marriage, it seems you have to work at it just that little bit harder...I can think of worse things .... May you have many bonking years ahead, R. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 May you have many bonking years ahead and may the Wankie be with you Link to post Share on other sites
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