Back: Depressed

[soheartbroken]

Your Doc sucks ass then. Doesn't sound like he/she listened to what you were saying.

 

Doctors are supposed to know so much stuff, but they can't know it all well.

 

I don't know what to do now. Start making phone calls?

 

If I had cancer, or a broken foot, or an infection, they wouldn't just give me numbers to call around to have it treated within "3 weeks to a year". Why is mental health any different? How do they expect people who are having emotional issues to have the resolve to make all these calls? Most people would just give up.

 

Maybe nothing can help me with my obsessive thinking? Maybe I'm looking for a cure that doesn't exist.

 

Gonna try more yoga and hopefully meditation next. If you knew me well, these wouldn't sound like things I would be doing!

 

Thank you everyone for your ongoing support, even when I am unable to offer it to others.

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB

 

Did your Doctor ask you to fill in several questionnaires whilst you were there? If not, then they have not assessed you correctly for anxiety or depression. Can you see another doctor at the practise?

 

I agree with you about the difference in prority with mental health comparded with physical health, yet this is shock and upset when someone kills themself, go figure! I have been waiting over a year for counselling now, given up on it to be honest, thank goodness for LS!

 

We are hear for you.

 

I know a little bit about St, Johns Wort, works for some, takes at least 6 weeks to kick in though, you can get it from a health food store in capsules or sachets. You have nothing to lose by tring it, it's completely herbal, so maybe you should give it a go? (I know this is isn't an issue for yourself but for anyone reading your thread, just to point out St.Johns Wort effects the birth control pill, so you MUST find another contraceptive method if you don't want to get pregnant).

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Gunny, Tojaz and Lisa.

 

So many ups and downs...

 

I wonder if I will ever be able to think of the good times and be indifferent, or at least not be sad. I wonder if I will ever be able to read old emails or see old pictures...

 

You know what? I may have been a not-so-great partner, but I AM a good person. And she not only chose to break off the relationship, but she also chose to lose me as a person and never speak to me again. I am a very loyal, devoted, and caring friend. I'm a good listener, and I don't shy away from listening to other people's problems. I'm not flaky or superficial. And she also chose to leave this. So while the relationship may be my loss, choosing to not be in my life is her loss.

[D-Lish]

Hi SHB

 

Did your Doctor ask you to fill in several questionnaires whilst you were there? If not, then they have not assessed you correctly for anxiety or depression. Can you see another doctor at the practise?

 

 

Seriously? A good doc would know upon minutes of interaction if someone is in trouble. I know within a few minutes if someone is in trouble!

[soheartbroken]

Seriously? A good doc would know upon minutes of interaction if someone is in trouble. I know within a few minutes if someone is in trouble!

 

Like I said though, when I went in to see her I was not nearly as bad as I was a few days prior. I can hardly blame her: there have been times when I haven't felt depressed. But then I have such rough times that I can't see my way out of this mess, and can't see a future.

 

She asked me questions from one questionnaire. I think these questionnaires are stupid.

[soheartbroken]

Maybe I should be thankful that she doesn't think I'm clinically depressed...

 

I just can't take the cycles anymore. There are days, like the past 4 days, where it feels like my problem really just is my breakup.

 

But then I go through phases of 3-4 weeks where I will feel so hopeless, I hurt so much, my ruminations get so bad, I can't keep my head up (totally self-absorbed in my pain and thoughts). And all I want to do is learn more about depression because that's how I feel.

 

Then I come out of it just enough to make me think things might be okay, then I fall back into depression.

 

8 months of this (and counting) is hell.

Edited March 14, 2010 by soheartbroken

[Gunny376]

First of all! Damn your hide! You made me walk out in the middle of the night to my car to get a book that I'm about to tell you about! Its 42 degrees F out there! Frezzing!

 

Well for Alabama it is, an hours drive from Panama City, FL. I mean I had to put my flip-flops on an everything!

 

I'm fifty-two years about to turn fifty-three. Back in tha' day I was stationed in Okinawa Japan. Just put the lying, cheating, two-timing ex with the two small children on the plane out of Kadena AFB back to the States.

 

As I drove from Kadena, I got back to regimental HQ's, and was told I had orders on my desk. I went in lit a cigarette, sipped a cup of coffee, and found out that I was to deploy in 48 hours to Saudia Arabia as part of and advanced logistics team?

 

"Jesus, Sweet Jesus! Is it ever freaking going to end! When is the rain going to stop! When are the "Storms of Life going to quit rolling over me?"

 

You got it! The First Gulf War.

 

When your in someplace as such? Its 9/10ths boredom, and 1/10th gettin' and scootin.

 

I learned a long time ago that a good book goes a long way to keep your mind off of your troubles.

 

One of the ones that I snacthed up from the Stars and Stripes bookstore? "Live and Learn and Pass It Own"

 

Owned it for over twenty years, just now getting around to reading it.

 

"Half of the things we worry about? Never come about!"

 

Your not so much worried about the X, your worried about ever finding a relationship like you had with the X? Where you felt wanted, needed, appreciated, loved as you were by her?

 

The answer? Is no you won't!

 

You'll find newer, bigger, better, more intense, more devoted, more committed ~ your wiser, smarter, more experienced now!

 

(As I type this I'm wondering why my fingers smell like Nutter-Butter Peanut Cookies? )

 

Must be the Rum!

[Gunny376]

BTW! Don't leave us again, until your back 100%.

 

I don't recall anyone giving you a hard time about your relationship, but if anything isn't on the straight up and up?

 

Let Tony (the mod) know.

 

Tony as I told you doesn't play.

 

He's taken me to the woodshed a couple of times when I first joined LS!

[tojaz]

You know what? I may have been a not-so-great partner, but I AM a good person. And she not only chose to break off the relationship, but she also chose to lose me as a person and never speak to me again. I am a very loyal, devoted, and caring friend. I'm a good listener, and I don't shy away from listening to other people's problems. I'm not flaky or superficial. And she also chose to leave this. So while the relationship may be my loss, choosing to not be in my life is her loss.

 

That a girl SHB!!! Exactly right! Whatever problems may have existed, in the end this is what she chose, you tried to do it right, were willing to listen, to work it out. She took the easy way out. Your paying the price now, but thats going to pay dividends later. When you take what you learn from this and are happy as hell with someone else, you will probably thank her. It dosen't help with the pain now, but hopefully it puts that light at the end of that tunnel in focus for you just a little.

 

BTW! Don't leave us again, until your back 100%.

 

I don't recall anyone giving you a hard time about your relationship, but if anything isn't on the straight up and up?

 

Let Tony (the mod) know.

 

Tony as I told you doesn't play.

 

He's taken me to the woodshed a couple of times when I first joined LS!

 

I remember that situation. Theres plenty of people looking out for you and willing to step in SHB, remember that.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

First of all! Damn your hide! You made me walk out in the middle of the night to my car to get a book that I'm about to tell you about! Its 42 degrees F out there! Frezzing!

 

 

Gunny...I don't know what to say. You're so awesome. I can't believe that something I post on the internet can actually make someone in another country get up and walk outside in the cold to get a book. This is mind-boggling to me.

 

Is this the book by H. Jackson Brown? I tried a library search and it's not carried. I will put it on my list of books to buy.

[soheartbroken]

 

Your not so much worried about the X, your worried about ever finding a relationship like you had with the X? Where you felt wanted, needed, appreciated, loved as you were by her?

 

 

Also, this is beginning to be true. I mean, I do still miss my ex (terribly), but I'm scared of never experiencing the joy that I did with her again.

 

That a girl SHB!!! Exactly right! Whatever problems may have existed, in the end this is what she chose, you tried to do it right, were willing to listen, to work it out. She took the easy way out. Your paying the price now, but thats going to pay dividends later. When you take what you learn from this and are happy as hell with someone else, you will probably thank her. It dosen't help with the pain now, but hopefully it puts that light at the end of that tunnel in focus for you just a little.

 

 

Thanks for the support

[tnttim]

Also, this is beginning to be true. I mean, I do still miss my ex (terribly), but I'm scared of never experiencing the joy that I did with her again.

 

My W actually put off wanting a 2nd child because she thought she could never love the new baby as much as the first.

 

BTW I have 2 kids, and she loves both them

 

I said the same thing to a good friend of mine and his response was golden

 

Me:"It took so long for me to build this family with my wife, 12 years. I feel like these years are just wasted. If I find someone new it will take me even longer to build a new one."

Him:"Whats to say that you don't find a better women and it only takes 4."

[soheartbroken]

My W actually put off wanting a 2nd child because she thought she could never love the new baby as much as the first.

 

BTW I have 2 kids, and she loves both them

 

I said the same thing to a good friend of mine and his response was golden

 

Me:"It took so long for me to build this family with my wife, 12 years. I feel like these years are just wasted. If I find someone new it will take me even longer to build a new one."

Him:"Whats to say that you don't find a better women and it only takes 4."

 

Anything is possible in this regards, yes. Thanks for sharing.

 

I hope, though - and I don't really know why I feel the need to convey this so strongly to everyone; I suppose I just want my situation to be understood - that people do realize that my ex truly was a good person who treated me really well. I can't look back and say that she nagged me or put me down or wasn't interested in my life etc. She's not easily replaceable.

 

Unlike in a lot of cases, time is not likely to make me "realize" that she wasn't good for me, or that she was evil or anything. If in 8 months I can't make a list of why she was no good, then it's not likely to happen now.

 

So I just have to go on anyway, and that's what I'm trying to do.

 

I guess I should try some of those numbers my doctor gave me...

[tojaz]

Anything is possible in this regards, yes. Thanks for sharing.

 

I hope, though - and I don't really know why I feel the need to convey this so strongly to everyone; I suppose I just want my situation to be understood - that people do realize that my ex truly was a good person who treated me really well. I can't look back and say that she nagged me or put me down or wasn't interested in my life etc. She's not easily replaceable.

 

 

SHB I don't think its necessary to paint anyone as a bad person. You were with her, so i'll take your word, but don't take anything away from yourself is the point. I read your words and see your advice to others. Your a good caring person as well..... allow your self that.

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

SHB I don't think its necessary to paint anyone as a bad person. You were with her, so i'll take your word, but don't take anything away from yourself is the point. I read your words and see your advice to others. Your a good caring person as well..... allow your self that.

 

TOJAZ

 

Thank you for taking my word for it.

 

I am a good person. I have to start from here and rebuild.

 

Edit: But you know, as good as she was in the relationship, she treated me like s**t afterward. I have to keep this in mind too (and I know you'll do it for me too Tojaz!).

 

Gonna read up on dysthymia too, seeing as the doctor was useless in this department.

Edited March 15, 2010 by soheartbroken

[Gunny376]

You might want to try a website titled meetup.com

 

Its not a dating website, its a site for people of like minded interest to get together and do things together that they have in common. There are men's groups, women's groups, couples groups. In short it a place for you to meet others that have the same intersts as you do.

 

There are women's walking groups, running groups, bike riding groups etc.

 

I'm not saying this is going to be the salve that heals your emotional wounds of 'her' but I found that one of the best cures for getting over the lost of a love is to get busy ~ getting and staying busy.

 

I read about it in Annie's Mailbox in the Sunday paper today.

Edited March 15, 2010 by Gunny376

[soheartbroken]

You might want to try a website titled meetup.com

 

 

Thanks Gunny. I'm a member of meetup. In fact, I was just at a badminton meetup last night.

[soheartbroken]

WHERE AM I NOW?

 

I guess this is an update. Things have been...better. I was pretty depressed when I started this thread a month back. Went to the doctor and nothing came of it.

 

Well, not sure what exactly happened, but I had some good days since then.

 

- The sun came out - which is a big deal here in Canada after a long winter - and daylights savings gave us more light

- I decided to get really social and make lots of plans to occupy my time, as I noticed that sitting around at home made me feel worse

- I started to like my job

- My relationship with my mom improved

- I took a break from therapy and constantly going over all my negative emotions

 

I'm not sure which of these factors had the biggest impact, but I actually think it was getting more sun. Anyway, I had a decent month where I thought less of my breakup, and when I did it was less painful.

 

The past couple of nights though, I've started to dream about my ex. It's almost like my brain is determined not to let her fade. On the one hand, it feels like the breakup is so long ago, yet on the other hand, I can still bring back all the feelings if I want to, and I still won't look at pictures, or dare to contact her, because I'm still too vulnerable. And I still think about her a lot.

 

So is this progress? I've accepted responsibility for my mistakes, yet I'm finding myself really F'n angry that she has never once tried to reach out to me. Haven't heard from her in over 7 months, not even to see if I'm alive or doing okay. What kind of person does this to another human being? This is a serious question. Why did she do this to me? Why can't we be on speaking terms? It's like this whole 5 years of my life just disappeared. I think this is f***ing cruel. I mean, maybe a couple months of silence would have been reasonable, but to drop off the face of the earth as if I never meant anything? What the hell???!!!!

 

Anyway, for a month I was doing better, although I don't think I can keep up the level of busy-ness that I was achieving.

 

So, not really sure what this all means. Has anyone else had this feeling, where they are okay at times, but it feels like there's this huge elephant lurking in the back of the room, ready to pounce?

 

Edit: But I would still take her back in a heartbeat. Perhaps this will always be the case, I'm not sure. Kinda sucks still wanting her back though.

Edited March 30, 2010 by soheartbroken

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB

 

Wondered where you had been?! It's good to hear that you are doing better. Sorry for the rushed post, I promise to write more asap. Just wanted to post quick to say that I can hear real progress in your latest update and I think you have turned a corner. This is going to take time and all these steps forward happen gradually as far as my experince tells me, there may be set backs too, but for each set back it's two steps forward and that is what I hear in your post. You may want her back still, but you now see she is not perfect, you're right she hasn't even contacted you to say hey, I don't get that either. My ex said it was to allow him to move on! Yet I have a frined whos ex was able to break up with her, with love, gice it time to try and work things out, then he left when they couldn't, he then kept in contact for quite some time to see if she was ok? Although my frined choose to ignore his calls, he still let her know he was there if she needed, his mum even phoned regualrly for nearly two years after to check in on her. It's called caring and empathy.

[tojaz]

SHB, you bet its progress, wasn't long ago you couldn't even imagine having a day filled with misery, let alone admitting to a good month. Congratulations. Its important to remember that this is not a linear process. There will be progress and there will be backslides. I know how you feel. Not a day passes that I don't think about her, but most of the time it dosent hurt quite as bad as it did and when the backslides come for me (like the one I'm in now) I find that I can learn from them, giving some purpose to all the hurt.

 

I can relate to hurting from the lack of contact. It hangs heavy that someone that meant everything to us couldn't be bothered all of a sudden to even apologize for the hurt even if this is how it had to be. At least to give us some peace of mind rather then feeling completely discarded. That would help all of us heal, but unfortunately most of us are not that lucky.

 

Keep doing what you can to be happy SHB, you wear it well! and take the rest a sit comes.

 

TOJAZ

[Surfer Girl]

Shb.... What helped me and you may be to vulnerable to be able to do this.... but it helped me with closure and letting myself feel I gave everything I could and leave on a positive note...

 

I must have drafted an email 100 times before I sent an e-mail... I needed closure for what I felt was my fault for the relationship...

 

I did finally send an e-mail with no expectations of a reply... I did not say I was sorry or try to get him back... I outlined a passionate e-mail that entailed all that I loved about him... I did not even put love in the equation....

 

It was the little things I noticed.... How he tapped his foot when he played guitar... How he laughed when he watched the "Simpsons".... Just simple little things I noticed... Our first kiss... I kept it on the positive... Nothing heavy and just wanted him to notice what I felt was special about him.....

 

Nothing negative... it gave me peace of mind.... that sending that e-mail was my closure... and with no expectations of a reply back... at the very least... I left the relationship letting him know what I felt was passionate about our relationship....It left me with a positive feeling..... and gave me the closure I needed.....From that point there were no what ifs... there was no expecting a reply, it was this person now knows the little things that made him special and that is all that counts now....I can now move on knowing I am not asking him back I am not blaming myself... I am just letting him know in a more detailed manner about specific events of him that I found attractive..... and then letting it go....

[soheartbroken]

Hi SHB

 

...he then kept in contact for quite some time to see if she was ok? Although my frined choose to ignore his calls...

 

This is just it. What your ex and mine have done, is to take away our power to ignore them, our power to decide what is good for us. Given that they are in the emotionally superior position, I think our exes should have allowed us the choice of contact or not. But they stripped us of that choice.

 

Cruelty, cowardice, patronizing. That's what it is. F**k her....or that's how I want to feel about it. But anyway, hopefully I don't keep dwelling on the lack of contact, although I think it's good to be mad about it for now.

 

As always, thanks for your reply Lisa.

[soheartbroken]

SHB, you bet its progress, wasn't long ago you couldn't even imagine having a day filled with misery, let alone admitting to a good month. Congratulations. Its important to remember that this is not a linear process. There will be progress and there will be backslides. I know how you feel. Not a day passes that I don't think about her, but most of the time it dosent hurt quite as bad as it did and when the backslides come for me (like the one I'm in now) I find that I can learn from them, giving some purpose to all the hurt.

 

I can relate to hurting from the lack of contact. It hangs heavy that someone that meant everything to us couldn't be bothered all of a sudden to even apologize for the hurt even if this is how it had to be. At least to give us some peace of mind rather then feeling completely discarded. That would help all of us heal, but unfortunately most of us are not that lucky.

 

Keep doing what you can to be happy SHB, you wear it well! and take the rest a sit comes.

 

TOJAZ

 

Thanks for your support, TJ.

 

It's not even an apology that I'm hoping for, just some acknowledgment that I exist, that I meant something. She threw me out like garbage. GARBAGE. SHE DOESN'T GIVE A **** ABOUT ME. I have no idea what kind of person does this.

[soheartbroken]

Shb.... What helped me and you may be to vulnerable to be able to do this.... but it helped me with closure and letting myself feel I gave everything I could and leave on a positive note...

 

I must have drafted an email 100 times before I sent an e-mail... I needed closure for what I felt was my fault for the relationship...

 

I did finally send an e-mail with no expectations of a reply... I did not say I was sorry or try to get him back... I outlined a passionate e-mail that entailed all that I loved about him... I did not even put love in the equation....

 

It was the little things I noticed.... How he tapped his foot when he played guitar... How he laughed when he watched the "Simpsons".... Just simple little things I noticed... Our first kiss... I kept it on the positive... Nothing heavy and just wanted him to notice what I felt was special about him.....

 

Nothing negative... it gave me peace of mind.... that sending that e-mail was my closure... and with no expectations of a reply back... at the very least... I left the relationship letting him know what I felt was passionate about our relationship....It left me with a positive feeling..... and gave me the closure I needed.....From that point there were no what ifs... there was no expecting a reply, it was this person now knows the little things that made him special and that is all that counts now....I can now move on knowing I am not asking him back I am not blaming myself... I am just letting him know in a more detailed manner about specific events of him that I found attractive..... and then letting it go....

 

Hi Surfer Girl. I absolutely think that I will send a letter like this one day, but I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to NOT get a response.

 

My letter might be a mixture of niceties and some anger, however. The way the breakup went down, I never expressed any anger toward her. As you can tell, I'm pissed that she has never reached out to me, not once, even to see if I'm alive, in 7 months. 7 (insert expletive) months.

 

We'll see what it contains when the time comes. Thanks for your thoughts.

[LisaUk]

Thanks for your support, TJ.

 

It's not even an apology that I'm hoping for, just some acknowledgment that I exist, that I meant something. She threw me out like garbage. GARBAGE. SHE DOESN'T GIVE A **** ABOUT ME. I have no idea what kind of person does this.

 

Me too SHB, 18 ********years and not even a Christmas card, he has no clue whether I am dead or alive, in work or not, on the streets whatever and what's more he doesn't ******care. What did I do to him that was so bad? NOTHING! I truely know that, I did nothing to deserve being treated this way and neither did you. Take a look around at some of the other threads, see what kind of people there are out there, cheaters, abusers, we did nothing like that, I know everything I did or said was with love and the best of intentions, I never did anything to deliberately hurt him and I know you are the same. You have every right to be angry, maybe one day you and I will both realise that they just aren't worth being angry about.