Back: Depressed

[cyabye]

Has anybody here become depressed 8 months out?

 

I 'm 2 years out and can feel the depression considerably. I refuse to take any medicaton as I did once before and I do not want to be a "zombie". My depression might be a little different than yours. I 'm having a hard time getting ahead and moving forward. I have an easy job that pays all the bills and then some but it is definately not a career.

 

I grieve the loss still. I had to give up a good job I enjoyed and move out of our home (where the kids loved it) back to family just to be closer to my kids (ex left and moved in with parents).

 

The only thing I suggest is to eat right, EXERCISE, keep busy, and get pletty of sleep. Confide in friends and family and don't rush the process. One day you will wake up and say "enough is enough, I am tired of this *****!".

 

cya

[MrMayI]

it's been about 10 months since it all dropped on me. been divorced 6 months, and i'm still depressed. i take wellbutrin, but i don't know if it helps. i have been very sociable and regained a lot of friendships. talking to one girl in particular. she told me she loves me this weekend, so i'm back underground. i don't have the heart to tell her i just don't have the heart to give. my daughter's great, and i'm making it. it's normal SHB. i still cry a little at songs and things i see, smell or hear. i see my ex often and know she's in love with another man. at least she thinks so. personally, i couldn't have feelings even remotely close to that for i just don't know how long.

 

i miss posting here, but i also like the space i've put between this and my condition. i feel if i were to post often, i would never get out of my hole.

 

cheers everyone.

[soheartbroken]

99% are healed by six months? That's BS.

 

It painful to think of how we contributed to the downfall of the marriage. Maybe accepting your part and thinking about how you got there. What will you do different next time. All of are older and hopefully wiser. Learn from your mistakes.

 

The the 99% number from these forums. I rarely see anyone who is still obsessed and depressed after 6 months. There are exceptions though.

 

Yes, it's very painful to know how badly I screwed up, and to not be able to do anything about it. I guess I want another chance. What's the point in learning if I can't be with who I want to be with?

[soheartbroken]

 

Me? Its been going on twenty years since I went through the "Big D" and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about the X, and my children, and my grandparents, and others that I've lost in my life.

 

I've yet to see you post your anger at what she's done to you, how she's turned your life upside down, threw you under the bus. Made your life hell compared to the one you once had with her.

 

Anger is one of the five stages of grief ~ and you've yet to let it out. You will and can never find full acceptance until you let go of the love and admiration and let yourself fully feel the anger, the in-justice, the unrighteous of it all. And as I recall, she dumped you in a pretty bad, harsh and horrible way and kicked you the curb as though you were yesterday's trash.

 

 

 

Hi Gunny.

 

It's not that I expect not to think of her at all, it's just that like I said, I can't get more than 2 minutes rest from it, at best. At worst, like today, my thoughts are going a mile a second about her. I'm WORRIED about myself, about what this obsession is doing to me, whether it's creating a pattern that's going to persist forever.

 

It's not like I don't try to fill my time with other things - I work, I play sports, I see friends, I see family - but like WSeeker said, I'm still pining for ***** sake!

 

And no, I haven't been able to harness any anger toward her. Yes, when we broke up she was harsh, but it was a breakup! Of course she was going to be a jerk. But during the relationship, she was awesome.

 

Part of the problem is that unlike almost everyone here (Lisa being an exception I think), I haven't seen her or heard from her in months! Which means I don't see or hear anything that makes me angry. There's nothing to be angry at but myself for F---ing up so badly.

[soheartbroken]

it's been about 10 months since it all dropped on me. been divorced 6 months, and i'm still depressed. i take wellbutrin, but i don't know if it helps. i have been very sociable and regained a lot of friendships. talking to one girl in particular. she told me she loves me this weekend, so i'm back underground. i don't have the heart to tell her i just don't have the heart to give. my daughter's great, and i'm making it. it's normal SHB. i still cry a little at songs and things i see, smell or hear. i see my ex often and know she's in love with another man. at least she thinks so. personally, i couldn't have feelings even remotely close to that for i just don't know how long.

 

i miss posting here, but i also like the space i've put between this and my condition. i feel if i were to post often, i would never get out of my hole.

 

cheers everyone.

 

MMI, I've followed your story throughout, and trust me, you have gotten much further than I have. I've seen your successes. I'm still stuck in the same damn place as I was when I first came here.

 

I too miss posting here, but then I also need the space. Right now, posting seems right, but I will need another break from it soon I suspect.

[sotagoon]

 

Yes, it's very painful to know how badly I screwed up, and to not be able to do anything about it. I guess I want another chance. What's the point in learning if I can't be with who I want to be with?

 

SHB.... I'm sorry I don't have any profound advice, but I can say that I AM depressed as well. (4 months out from the 3rd time she's walked out)

I think that I came to the point this weekend that I now realize why I feel so bad.... I hate the person I have become. My life is scattered and I can't really get a firm grip on what was wrong in our life?

 

I know what you mean by wanting to be better for the both of you, to be happy together. I don't have the answer, but I'm guessing when I say that maybe she just doesn't care. (Says alot about her..huh?)

 

I was reminded by my mother yesterday of a comment I made to her about 3 months or so before my GF walked out. I must have seen this coming, yet was for some reason blindsided.

 

I told my mother, "If SHE walks out again after all of this (cancer treatment & surgery) I will have no reason to want to speak with her ever again."

 

WOW....how could I have said that and now I want nothing more than to have her back and our life back? To this.....my mother told me a stark truth: She is not here (with you) and every minute that she is NOT HERE, she is making a definate decision NOT TO BE.

 

This really hurt to hear, but I guess there is no other statement that is more true.

 

I'm not sure about you, but I have not been able to become angry, and I don't know why. I guess maybe I think that as soon as I become angry, that's it....it's over. No more pining, no more wishing, no more hoping! I can't even think about getting there.

 

I spent almost the entire weekend in tears. No triggers, just lonliness.

I'm exhausted and feel worse than I have in all of the last 4 months.

I want her back, I want to start over. I want her to see that I am NOT perfect, and still care enough to be here.

 

I GUESS THAT"S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN...otherwise she wouldn't have let me feel so miserable all weekend. She probably doesn't care......and to that..... GUESS WHAT...that's the CHOICE she is making.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way at this point....I am too...and I really don't want to any more.

I think the only option, CHOOSE to not feel this way....I don't know how, but I think it's the answer....A REALLY HARD ONE TOO!!!!!!

Edited March 8, 2010 by sotagoon

[soheartbroken]

REGRETS

 

I really need to figure out the multi-quote thing, instead of posting so many times.

 

One of my first posts on LS was about drowning in regret. That was months ago. I wanted badly to contact her and apologize for everything. I didn't, and we didn't have that long, drawn-out separation process which often allows one to vent such things. I moved away and that was that.

 

Well, months later and today, I'm drowning in my regrets again. I've come very close to sending her an email, asking if we could talk. I don't do it because I'm not emotionally prepared to be shot down, or worse -and more likely - ignored.

 

I feel awful for the things that I've done, and I want her to know this. I really want to be in a better place when I do reach out to tell her these things, but I'm obviously not getting close to being in that place.

 

I really need her to know these things. I can't send a letter because I don't have her new address. I don't want to send an email because it seems so lame and cliched, and I won't know if she got it.

 

I'm stuck. Any thoughts?

 

TO tnttim: I will continue to make small changes. I did the clothes things many months ago, and it felt good for awhile.

 

TO cyabye: thanks for sharing. I keep thinking that I'm sick of all this, but it hasn't clicked yet.

 

TO EVERYONE: I'm sorry that I don't post to help out others, but as you can all see, my advice is worthless, as I have not moved forward myself. It would be like the blind trying to lead the blind, if you know what I'm saying.

[sotagoon]

REGRETS

 

 

Well, months later and today, I'm drowning in my regrets again. I've come very close to sending her an email, asking if we could talk. I don't do it because I'm not emotionally prepared to be shot down, or worse -and more likely - ignored.

 

 

SHB......

 

I want to share this with you. I did reach out. I sent an email and in fact, it sparked a call from her.

 

The conversation was one I wish I never was a part of.....WHY

 

• She told me that the only regret she had was not leaving sooner.
  
• She told me that she "Doesn't care about my worries...and never did"
  
• She told me that I made her feel like a burden (Being by her side for almost a year of cancer treatment and surgery)
  
• She told me that I lied to her that things would be different if she came back. (I wouldn't worry as much - I pay every bill/expense)
  
• She told me that I have an addictive personality, more specifically that I'm addicted to her.
  
• She told me that my family gets in my way of enjoying my life.
  
• She told me I was a selfish @zzhole (Selfish..I'm certainly not..to a fault)
  

My point.....do wahtever it takes to not contact her. She HAS to know that you never intended to harm her in any way. Come on....this should be apparent almost from the beginning of a relationship.

 

I want her back so bad, I'd give a limb, my life, and organ. I tried to make that the basis of our relationship and I ended up with nothing in return.

 

PLEASE...PLEASE don't do this.....Don't email her. I DID...and it did nothing except have her tell me that she has SO MUCH anger and resentment built up for me. The guy who stood by her side through cancer, and nursing school and every day of our relationship. SOME HOW SHE DID NOT SEE THIS!!!!????????????

 

If they did, and understood, would they be gone? GOD I HOPE NOT....OTHERWISE I DON"T WANT TO DO RIGHT.

Edited March 8, 2010 by sotagoon

[LisaUk]

it's been about 10 months since it all dropped on me. been divorced 6 months, and i'm still depressed. i take wellbutrin, but i don't know if it helps. i have been very sociable and regained a lot of friendships. talking to one girl in particular. she told me she loves me this weekend, so i'm back underground. i don't have the heart to tell her i just don't have the heart to give. my daughter's great, and i'm making it. it's normal SHB. i still cry a little at songs and things i see, smell or hear. i see my ex often and know she's in love with another man. at least she thinks so. personally, i couldn't have feelings even remotely close to that for i just don't know how long.

 

i miss posting here, but i also like the space i've put between this and my condition. i feel if i were to post often, i would never get out of my hole.

 

cheers everyone.

 

MMI, we miss you!

 

REGRETS

 

I really need to figure out the multi-quote thing, instead of posting so many times.

 

One of my first posts on LS was about drowning in regret. That was months ago. I wanted badly to contact her and apologize for everything. I didn't, and we didn't have that long, drawn-out separation process which often allows one to vent such things. I moved away and that was that.

 

Well, months later and today, I'm drowning in my regrets again. I've come very close to sending her an email, asking if we could talk. I don't do it because I'm not emotionally prepared to be shot down, or worse -and more likely - ignored.

 

I feel awful for the things that I've done, and I want her to know this. I really want to be in a better place when I do reach out to tell her these things, but I'm obviously not getting close to being in that place.

 

I really need her to know these things. I can't send a letter because I don't have her new address. I don't want to send an email because it seems so lame and cliched, and I won't know if she got it.

 

I'm stuck. Any thoughts?

 

TO tnttim: I will continue to make small changes. I did the clothes things many months ago, and it felt good for awhile.

 

TO cyabye: thanks for sharing. I keep thinking that I'm sick of all this, but it hasn't clicked yet.

 

TO EVERYONE: I'm sorry that I don't post to help out others, but as you can all see, my advice is worthless, as I have not moved forward myself. It would be like the blind trying to lead the blind, if you know what I'm saying.

 

SHB, this is/was not your fault. I know why you blame yourself, but truely this isn't about you it's about her. She was mean during the break up and that makes it OK does it? NO! There are ways to leave without being horrible.

 

Look at Mirimlans (spelling) thread, her H and her have tried to reconcile (although she has said she feels he could have put more effort in), she is unwell and he is looking after her and taking to the hospital etc. Look at Heaven or Hells threads, her H and her still share a meal occasionally.

 

There is absoltuely NO REASON for leavers to be cruel. Your ex and mine were cruel. I asked my ex serveral times to remain friends and I would have done, I think it is a shame that two people who cared about each other very deeply at one time and spent so many years together cannot remain friendly with each other. Letting go with love, there IS a way to break up and not destroy the other person. Your ex CHOOSE to destroy you! What does that say about her? Get angry about that! Get angry at the way she choose to leave you and not give the chance to resolve things with her, to villify you to give herself justifications.

 

Have you made any plans to return to law school? I know having my mind occupied has helped me enormously.

[nobmagnet]

hi again love.

 

I have been on anti depressants for one year tomorrow. I also didnt want them but i was so low i would have taken anything to make the pain less.

 

I take citilopram. 40mg. started on 20mg till he left again. i trully belive they help me lots. The medical diagnosis of our kind of depression is thelack of seratonin in the body, when we have prolonged periods of sadness the body stops producing it (happy hormone) 8 months of stress and sadness is fine as we are all different. it stimulated the seretoninin your brain.......takes 2/3 weeks but when it kicks in ,,,,,,,,its quite shocking. I hadnt realised i had been so sad for so long till i felt genuinly happy. they are good because they are not addictive and give you the space and time to heal. I m looking to slowly reduce mine but if i find i need them for life...........so bloody what! If i had diabeties i wouldnt refuse insulin. Just because its in our head doesnt mean its not an illness.

 

Try it.

 

Nobby xxxxx

[trippi1432]

Hi SHB - Happy you are back, but not under these circumstances. Believe me, ex's are best left behind with the dust on your boots and skidmarks on their a**. They are cruel, they are mean and they will say anything after the fact to make you think they even cared.

 

The fact is, leavers are only out for themselves....what makes them feel good. It doesn't matter how good you were to them, it doesn't matter how much you loved or cared for them....she does not deserve what you gave or sacrificed...there is someone out there for you. Believe me, I only have to look a couple of houses over and I see two people who have cared for each other for years.

[soheartbroken]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I do need to get angry, but it's just so hard. Trippi, I wasn't good to her, so I deserved what I got. That's what makes it so tough. If only I could go back with what I know now, things could have been so different, you know? I lost someone who loved me, supported me, looked out for me, and put up with me for so long. I pushed her too far. How do I get passed this? This is why I feel the need to apologize.

 

I mean, I know she wasn't perfect, but still, any rational person looking in on the relationship would see me as the problem.

 

Ok. I made an appointment with my doctor for this Thursday. Will see how that goes. Gonna try getting back on track with keeping busy, as it seems to be the only relief I get. Work was good for me today.

 

Lisa: I'm slowly doing the application process. Problem is, I don't know that law is for me, and everytime I tell someone this, they strongly encourage me NOT to go into something that I'm not sure is for me. But I must do something. I can't work at a coffee shop for another year, and I have no other plan. But it's hard to find the motivation to apply when everyone thinks it's a bad idea for you. I have no other passion and I'm not going to find one in the next two months (deadline for transferring schools).

[LisaUk]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I do need to get angry, but it's just so hard. Trippi, I wasn't good to her, so I deserved what I got. That's what makes it so tough. If only I could go back with what I know now, things could have been so different, you know? I lost someone who loved me, supported me, looked out for me, and put up with me for so long. I pushed her too far. How do I get passed this? This is why I feel the need to apologize.

 

I mean, I know she wasn't perfect, but still, any rational person looking in on the relationship would see me as the problem.

 

Ok. I made an appointment with my doctor for this Thursday. Will see how that goes. Gonna try getting back on track with keeping busy, as it seems to be the only relief I get. Work was good for me today.

 

Lisa: I'm slowly doing the application process. Problem is, I don't know that law is for me, and everytime I tell someone this, they strongly encourage me NOT to go into something that I'm not sure is for me. But I must do something. I can't work at a coffee shop for another year, and I have no other plan. But it's hard to find the motivation to apply when everyone thinks it's a bad idea for you. I have no other passion and I'm not going to find one in the next two months (deadline for transferring schools).

 

Have you done any work expereince in a law firm? Or at court, marshalling for example? Sometimes seeing how it works in practice and on a daily basis can help you decide if it is for you? Could you take another year, but get a job as a paralegal? That way you would be earning a good salary and as paras do much of the work of a lawyer, you will get to see if you like it.

 

Do some career quizes online, there is a good UK site called prospects, if you fill out their detailed questionnaires online it will help you identify areas of interest and suggest relevant careers for you. Also, could you make an appointment to see a careers advisor, there should be one free at your school, although I realise you aren't there at the moment, your local libary or highschool may be able to help you out.

 

There are plenty of options for you SHB and I have to agree with the others you have spoken to, if you are really unsure, you should take some more time, even if that means working in the coffee shop for another year. Only whilst you do that, you could get some work experience lined up in many different fields to help find what suits you. You can always apply to school and hold the place, you don't HAVE to take it? I am currently doing this for my LPC next year as unless I get a TC, it is unlikely I will be able to take it and will have to defer a year and try and secure para work.

 

However, you do describe law as a passion, so why do you think it isn't for you?

[karnak]

Have faith in yourself and the universe, brother.

 

Good things come to those who wait. You can't force yourself to forget someone who love, just as you can't force yourself to love anyone.

 

Hang on and take care of yourself. No-one knows what the future may bring. Your lover may return to you tomorrow or in 5 years. Or you may find someone new, who will make you feel like you never felt before.

 

In Schindler's List there's a scene in Auschwitz where one woman tries to convince another to commit suicide so they can "escape" the horrors of the camp. The other women replies: "Don't kill yourself on the fence, Clara. If you do that, you'll never know what happened to you."

Later, they're both rescued from the camp by Schindler himself.

 

You get the point

 

 

Have faith

[spriggig]

I mean, I know she wasn't perfect, but still, any rational person looking in on the relationship would see me as the problem.

 

Here's what I had to do to get past this feeling--the regret AND anger:

 

I stopped wading through the details of what she did and what I did. Instead I simply accepted as a matter of FAITH (weird, coming from an atheist) that she and I are, by simple definition, EXACTLY 50% responsible for the entirety of happened in the relationship.

 

Then I was able to forgive myself and her completely.

 

(After coming up with this idea and forgiving us, I was able to look back on the relationship from a fresh perspective, and I really believe now that we were ACTUALLY, practically 50/50 in what we did wrong AND what we did right)

[soheartbroken]

 

There are plenty of options for you SHB and I have to agree with the others you have spoken to, if you are really unsure, you should take some more time, even if that means working in the coffee shop for another year. Only whilst you do that, you could get some work experience lined up in many different fields to help find what suits you. You can always apply to school and hold the place, you don't HAVE to take it? I am currently doing this for my LPC next year as unless I get a TC, it is unlikely I will be able to take it and will have to defer a year and try and secure para work.

 

However, you do describe law as a passion, so why do you think it isn't for you?

 

Thanks Lisa, but when you're feeling this low a lot of the time, and can't make even the smallest decisions, then there really are NOT plenty of options. It's sort of like how you feel stuck living at home, even when it becomes unbearable at times.

 

If I don't go back this September, I give up my spot. I would have to find a better job (which I tried to do and failed) so that I could move out. Also, I cannot get in and then hold my spot. Remember that I've already done one year. I don't think one can transfer and then hold that spot, except under extreme circumstances. It would look like I wasn't committed to law.

 

It's too overwhelming. I don't think anyone understands. Law is not my passion by the way. I don't have any passion. So law is my default for right now.

 

I will be 27 in the fall. I need to get on with my life. Where I live, you need to be licensed as a paralegal, so this is not an option.

 

Thanks though.

[LisaUk]

Thanks Lisa, but when you're feeling this low a lot of the time, and can't make even the smallest decisions, then there really are NOT plenty of options. It's sort of like how you feel stuck living at home, even when it becomes unbearable at times.

 

If I don't go back this September, I give up my spot. I would have to find a better job (which I tried to do and failed) so that I could move out. Also, I cannot get in and then hold my spot. Remember that I've already done one year. I don't think one can transfer and then hold that spot, except under extreme circumstances. It would look like I wasn't committed to law.

 

It's too overwhelming. I don't think anyone understands. Law is not my passion by the way. I don't have any passion. So law is my default for right now.

 

I will be 27 in the fall. I need to get on with my life. Where I live, you need to be licensed as a paralegal, so this is not an option.

 

Thanks though.

 

I understand SHB. There is a way through and we can find it together if you'd like?

 

Law is kind of my second choice SHB, my first passion is psych, but no jobs here in the UK and those there are, are part-time and badly paid. I had to find a way of supporting myself and providing for myself so I could get out of this house.

 

When you are depressed it is very difficult to see a way out, but there is one, I promise, we just have to start fighting and clawing our way up. Perhaps for some to be able to do that if the depression is really very bad then medication will provide the restbite needed to enable that clawing?

 

I know you don't want to go on it SHB, I personally have avoided it as well b/c I feel it provides an artifical effect and the problems are still there underneath. However, I do think sometimes it can be helpful, when you are so low you cannot see your way clear at all and I think in these circumstances it can provide a relief that is then replaced over time with other things in life to make you happy.

 

Why do you think law isn't for you? Have you done any work placements in a firm?

[br0ken_w0lf]

Hi SHB, just saw your thread and read through almost all of the previous posts. Not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but I'm about 2.5 years out from when my ex left, almost a year since the divorce was completely finalized. And I don't know what it is with me (I have a couple theories, one of which is depression) but I am still having a hard time even now, and I'm also starting to wonder if I'm not suffering from depression. I am considering meds myself actually, as well as a move to get out of this city (which I realize is an escape but if it helps, I am OK with it).

 

If I can offer you some advice on what NOT to do: don't replay details over how the breakup occurred, don't replay discussions leading up to/during/after the breakup, don't hibernate and isolate yourself from people. I'm still doing all of these things now, it's pretty scary at times, and once in a rut, it's hard to break out... Please take care of yourself.

[mimidarlin]

Heartbroken,

I think you're holding on because of anger at yourself. Anger for messing up something good. (Assuming it was good.) Ok. So you f****d up royally. What can you do? You can't get her back. She's done. Maybe you would be done if you were in her shoes. What can you learn about yourself? I see you struggling to understand yourself and what your future holds. It's intimidating.

 

I don't know about a therapist. Maybe you need a good a** kicking. I mean this in a loving way. Sometimes we need something to force us to wake up. I know what it feels like to be lost in this depression fog. I remember feeling like I was a fish in a bowl and people were talking to me through the glass and water. My perception was distorted. It took me a year to make it back to really functioning. It took me a couple years to make it back to some semblance of myself. I had all of this difficulty while on medication. Now I'm closer to being the person I used to be. Strong willed, energetic, determined.

 

Just keep reaching out. Keep talking. Try to take action on some things. Maybe a change of scenery would be a good thing? Try teaching English abroad?

[tojaz]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I do need to get angry, but it's just so hard. Trippi, I wasn't good to her, so I deserved what I got. That's what makes it so tough. If only I could go back with what I know now, things could have been so different, you know? I lost someone who loved me, supported me, looked out for me, and put up with me for so long. I pushed her too far. How do I get passed this? This is why I feel the need to apologize.

 

SHB, nobody deserves what you got. We all play a part, but in the end, shes the one that decided to walk. Yes, I'm sure there are things you would have done different. We all have that. Yet all we could do was the best we knew how to at the time. If it wasn't right or not enough, you did everything with the best intentions. On her part, she left and in a very harsh way. She made a concious decision to hurt you. BIG difference there. Think about that.

 

I mean, I know she wasn't perfect, but still, any rational person looking in on the relationship would see me as the problem.

 

Are you calling the whole of LS Irrational????

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

 

If I can offer you some advice on what NOT to do: don't replay details over how the breakup occurred, don't replay discussions leading up to/during/after the breakup, don't hibernate and isolate yourself from people. I'm still doing all of these things now, it's pretty scary at times, and once in a rut, it's hard to break out... Please take care of yourself.

 

Well, you see, that's the problem. I CANNOT for the life of me stop thinking about her. First thing on my mind every morning. If I could shut my brain off I wouldn't be in this rut in the first place. Isolating myself is something I can make a choice about, and I've definitely been trying to get out with people. Unfortunately, it hasn't helped in the long-run apparently. It temporarily distracts me, but hasn't improved things for me on a more permanent level. Thank you for your thoughts BW.

 

SHB, nobody deserves what you got. We all play a part, but in the end, shes the one that decided to walk. Yes, I'm sure there are things you would have done different. We all have that. Yet all we could do was the best we knew how to at the time. If it wasn't right or not enough, you did everything with the best intentions. On her part, she left and in a very harsh way. She made a concious decision to hurt you. BIG difference there. Think about that.

 

Are you calling the whole of LS Irrational????

 

I wish I could believe what you say with any form of conviction, TJ. If someone was a raging alcoholic in a relationship, would you blame the other person 50/50? If someone was abusive, would you blame the one who was abused on a 50/50 basis? I was controlling and unsupportive. I wish I could give her 50%, but I can't. I'm not saying LSers are irrational, but none of you had the opportunity to see into my relationship.

 

TOJAZ

 

 

Why do you think law isn't for you? Have you done any work placements in a firm?

 

Thanks for your thoughts, Lisa.

 

We don't do work placements in Canada, although most people will find a summer job with a law firm after second year. Unfortunately, I didn't do my second year!

 

I didn't like the culture at law school I guess. Too much drinking. I also don't want to work 10, 12, 16 hour days! I also think a lot of law is a scham, a bunch of arbitrary rules to rip people off. Sigh. But I figure it's still a good degree???

 

Heartbroken,

I think you're holding on because of anger at yourself. Anger for messing up something good. (Assuming it was good.) Ok. So you f****d up royally. What can you do? You can't get her back. She's done. Maybe you would be done if you were in her shoes. What can you learn about yourself? I see you struggling to understand yourself and what your future holds. It's intimidating.

 

I don't know about a therapist. Maybe you need a good a** kicking. I mean this in a loving way. Sometimes we need something to force us to wake up. I know what it feels like to be lost in this depression fog. I remember feeling like I was a fish in a bowl and people were talking to me through the glass and water. My perception was distorted. It took me a year to make it back to really functioning. It took me a couple years to make it back to some semblance of myself. I had all of this difficulty while on medication. Now I'm closer to being the person I used to be. Strong willed, energetic, determined.

 

Just keep reaching out. Keep talking. Try to take action on some things. Maybe a change of scenery would be a good thing? Try teaching English abroad?

 

Thanks for another post, Mimi. Absolutely I am angry at myself. I lost a really good thing, a really good person. One day I have to apologize, just maybe not yet. Whoever on here said that depression is anger turned inwards is probably right in my situation.

 

People have tried to give me a good ass kicking on here. It hasn't worked. I still hope something will click one day, and I will just have had enough of it.

 

I will keep reaching out and talking. I think a change of scenery would also be good.

 

Doctor's appointment tomorrow and will update you all.

[soheartbroken]

UPDATE

 

Doctor's appointment was useless. Of course, after spending 2-4 weeks really depressed (possibly longer, I've been down so much I don't really keep track), I was actually feeling okay the day of my appointment. I could keep my head up and make eye contact etc.

 

The doctor thought I may have some "adjustment disorder", but am not clinically depressed.

 

The end result was her giving me the number of a bunch of psychologists to try calling, telling me that their waiting lists may be 3 weeks to a year long. So again, I have to do my own legwork.

 

I forgot to ask her about St. John's Wort or vitamin supplements.

 

Frankly, my visit back to LS was much more valuable than my visit to the doctor.

[D-Lish]

UPDATE

 

Doctor's appointment was useless. Of course, after spending 2-4 weeks really depressed (possibly longer, I've been down so much I don't really keep track), I was actually feeling okay the day of my appointment. I could keep my head up and make eye contact etc.

 

The doctor thought I may have some "adjustment disorder", but am not clinically depressed.

 

The end result was her giving me the number of a bunch of psychologists to try calling, telling me that their waiting lists may be 3 weeks to a year long. So again, I have to do my own legwork.

 

I forgot to ask her about St. John's Wort or vitamin supplements.

 

Frankly, my visit back to LS was much more valuable than my visit to the doctor.

 

Your Doc sucks ass then. Doesn't sound like he/she listened to what you were saying.

[Gunny376]

UPDATE

 

Doctor's appointment was useless. Of course, after spending 2-4 weeks really depressed (possibly longer, I've been down so much I don't really keep track), I was actually feeling okay the day of my appointment. I could keep my head up and make eye contact etc.

 

The doctor thought I may have some "adjustment disorder", but am not clinically depressed.

 

The end result was her giving me the number of a bunch of psychologists to try calling, telling me that their waiting lists may be 3 weeks to a year long. So again, I have to do my own legwork.

 

I forgot to ask her about St. John's Wort or vitamin supplements.

 

Frankly, my visit back to LS was much more valuable than my visit to the doctor.

 

 

SHB! We're here for you! Don't give up on yourself! Fell free to PM me if need be!

 

I know your hurting, in pain, suffering!

 

Been there and done that!

 

I'm here for you!

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

Gunny

[tojaz]

I wish I could believe what you say with any form of conviction, TJ. If someone was a raging alcoholic in a relationship, would you blame the other person 50/50? If someone was abusive, would you blame the one who was abused on a 50/50 basis? I was controlling and unsupportive. I wish I could give her 50%, but I can't. I'm not saying LSers are irrational, but none of you had the opportunity to see into my relationship.

 

SHB, I don't buy into the whole 50/50 thing, nothing in a relationship is ever so cut and dry. In the end though, you may be able to look back and see things that you would like to have done differently, things that you have learned <seen my "WRISTWATCH" thread if you want to read some of mine>. The fact is SHB, that you gave 100% of what you were capable of AT THE TIME! Can you say the same for her???? No! She walked! She gave up! SHE let YOU down, not the other way around.

 

Were you deliberately unsupportive???? or do you see that now looking back? BIG DIFFERENCE! Controlling?? A person can only control someone to the extent that the other party is willing to be controlled. You were both big girls capable of speaking your own mind, you did, she didn't.

 

So I repeat, while in hindsight, it may not have been the best it could of been, you gave the best you could at the time, She made a concious decision to do something that she knew would hurt you, and in a way that she knew would cause damage, and she did it anyway. Despite whatever mistakes might have been made, the hell your going through now, she knew it was going to happen and chose to give that to you when you did your best for her.

 

Change your perspective girl!!!!

 

TOJAZ