Are Men Being Oversold on "Confidence?"

[ADF]

We hear it every day. We're told what women appreciate in men above all else--even more than washboard abs or bulging bank accounts--is Confidence. But what is confidence, exactly? Ask 12 men, and chances are, you'll get 12 different definitions. But one thing is for sure: all 12 will tell you they know confidence when they see it.

 

To hear people tell it, confidence is THE magic mojo, the ultimate exiler vitae of the male gender. Let a man posses enough of it, and wield it in the proper way, the world--or at least its female denizens--can be his for the taking.

 

You say your buddy is nervous about asking what's-her-name for a date? Hell, he just needs more confidence. It's all about confidence, pal! Your cousin worried he's too fat to attract a woman? Tell him if he loses some weight, not only will he look better but he'll have more confidence, too. It's all about confidence, cuz! Your brother feeling low after the lady of his dreams shot him down? Tell him to keep after her. That shows confidence. It's all about confidence, bro!

 

But what if it isn't? What if all this confidence chatter is just so much white noise and wishful thinking? The way people sell confidence reminds me of the most childish forms of Positive Thinking--e.g. "If you can concieve it, and if you truly believe it, you can achieve it!"

 

Huh?

 

Here's what I suggest as an reasonable alternative to being strenuously confident all the time:

 

1) Accept the fact that some women, for whatever reason, just aren't going to like you. Period.

 

2) Recognize that persistence is not always a virtue. If a woman tells you, clearly and emphatically, that's she's not interested, leave her alone.

 

3) Understand that confidence is not a perpetual state of being. You'll feel confident some of the time. You'll feel awkward some of the time. You'll feel sad, happy, scared, hopeful, and anxious at turns. These emotions are all part of life, part of being human. We can no more escape them than we can help growing older a day at a time.

 

Comments?

[spriggig]

Confidence is an mindstate that is supported by choosing to be honest (to oneself and others), respectful (of oneself and others) and happy as well as by striving (through exercise and education, etc) to be the person you want to be.

 

The idea you present that a confident man thinks every woman will like him because he is confident is ridiculous. For me, I have so little in common with most women, without confidence I would never even try to make contact--the odds against are silly.

 

Persistence is a virtue, but so is respect. I need to be respectful first of the women I approach. Also, why would I spend a minute beyond the point where a woman rejects me? Persistence in this context means you continue to the next prospect without a second thought given to the one who just rejected you. It's all good.

 

As a complex human with an active mind I can and do exist in more than one "state of being" at one time. I can feel depressed and confident that I WILL work my way through it and feel better again.

[Green]

No "Confidence" really is attractive to women. First off if you are confident in life you will be more likely to go after the things you want. That includes the life you want.

[Yamaha]

Confidence is attractive but women go by chemistry and all the confidence in the world won't make up for that connection.

[sweetjasmine]

To me, the whole "confidence" thing boils down to being content with who you are, being comfortable in you own skin, and being your own person. It's basically a healthy level of self-esteem, although some people really mean cockiness and arrogance when they say "confidence".

 

And confidence is attractive, IMO, because most of us recognize that you need to have your own self in order before you bring someone else into the mix. Most well-adjusted people aren't looking for someone who needs another person to fix them, put them together, validate them, or make them feel whole or worthwhile.

[Taramere]

I know the thread is directed towards men, but I think discussion of whether vast amounts of self confidence are a good or bad thing can be applied to either gender. Whoever you are, you're going to be strong in some areas and weak in others. Someone who presents as 100% confident all of the time, in every area of life, may be someone who lacks the intelligence, realism and self awareness to understand their own limitations. I recall being on a training course where we discussed this:

 

Unconscious incompetence (lacking the basic knowledge required to know how poorly equipped you are for a particular undertaking)

 

Conscious incompetence (you're poorly equipped, and you know it. This is the phase at which improvements can begin).

 

Conscious competence (you're able to critically appraise your own performance fairly effectively...not only being able to recognise flaws in your own performance, but also recognising when you're performing well)

 

Unconscious competence (like driving a car manually. You change the gears and apply clutch control appropriately without even thinking about what you're doing).

 

There's no doubt that confidence can help people to bullsh*t and bamboozle others into giving them what they want. I don't think I'm immune from being bullsh*tted and bamboozled by others in that sense, but it's a possibility I'm alert to whenever I encounter someone who seems extremely confident in every situation. I'll experience a dilemma as to whether I should trust their confidence as being a sign of their expertise...or if I should investigate the possibility that they're faking skill in an area they don't really know much about.

 

In some situations, trusting a person who's faking confidence and expertise can be extremely dodgy, which is why I'm sometimes uncomfortable around people who exude confidence 100% of the time. I tend to be more trusting of those who I know have earned their confidence through the acquisition of skills that are difficult to master, and by managing challenging situations and circumstances.

 

Some of these positive thinking mantras annoy me. I think it's better to focus on improving your performance in a particular activity, than to expend a lot of time and energy on flattering yourself about how good you are at that activity. Positive thinking where you set out with a determination that you will master this skill and you will manage this situation is, however, a very good thing I think. I've applied it when I've been trying to improve my performance in a sport (eg tennis), and its effectiveness in helping you to make improvements very quickly can't be underestimated. It's the difference, though, between saying "I'm a fantastic tennis player" (I'm not...I'm mediocre at best) and saying "I will make the ball land on that spot in the court". One involves an unwarranted level of self confidence, the other involves positive thinking.

Edited March 8, 2010 by Taramere