He hit me once, but I think I want him back

[pinksunglasses]

I have recently decided to find myself, go through all my past and try to understand everything that has happened to me, forgive people and be at peace with how things have turned out. I've been through some hard times. My father was abusive so I ran away from him when I was 17. I Relied on my friends for the type of support only family can give, which only made more problems. So six months ago I moved to another state to be with my mom. I'm starting over, and I am happy about this. I've moved past all of the other things but there's just one thing I can't seem to find peace with.

 

It all started in high school, my high school sweetheart of course. I'm 19 now and this all started when I was about 14. I fell hard for this guy, I just thought he was an amazing person. We started dating, but he didn't give me the time of day. We dated for about half a year with him never calling me and rarely spending time with me. I got fed up one day and ended up cheating on him. We broke up for the summer and I wouldn't leave him alone. I was such an annoying teenager lol. Mid way though summer I just dropped it and gave up on him. I realized that when we were dating he didn't care about me anyways so I didn't need to apologize or ask for him back, I didn't need him as a boyfriend. By the next school year he wanted me back. I waited a while so he could prove that he actually wanted to spend time with me as a person, not just have the girlfriend label on me and he did prove it. We started dating again and it was amazing. That whole year we pretty much became one of those obsessed couples, we were so into each other and spent as much time as we could together. The year after that is when I ran away from my father, and we ended up having a long distance relationship for about another year. It was really hard, but I was still in love with him. I thought about the possibilities of having another boyfriend where I was, but that just wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him. The year after that I moved in with him back home with his parents. We became very close, close in a way that you can't really describe with words.. I hope you know what I mean. I just can't explain it, it's more that just know almost everything about the other person. But it went bad really fast. I had only been there three months and we were arguing a lot. One day he ended up hitting me. He slapped me so hard that I fell onto the ground. I became so angry but still didn't break up with him. He apologized but I didn't bye it. It takes more than an "I'm sorry" and some roses to take that pain away. I carried that anger with me for a long time, and from then on couldn't help but compare him to my dad. Until one day I lost it, nothing even really happened, I just lost it and left him. He knows why I left, he knows I have always said I would never stay with an abusive partner.

 

We still talk now that I'm in Florida and we are very close friends. He only hit me that one time, not to say it was not a big deal, but he hadn't done it since then. I think I'm a smart girl. I know that there are other guys out there and that I can fall in love again. I know that would be the smart thing to do, and the stupid thing to do would be to go back to him. But I can't figure out what my heart and my mind are saying. I can't tell the difference, and I don't know which one to follow if I were to understand. I can't stop thinking of being with him. I don't feel like I WANT to find any one else. I've dated a little and had a few crushes, but I can't get too close to anyone without being freaked out.

I don't know what to do, I don't know if it's because I'm still hurt by what's happened or if my heart is telling me to be with him. I don't know.

 

Sorry this was so long, I tried my best to shorten it up.

Anyone's advice would be greatly appreciated, even if you call me stupid, I would completely understand lol.

[Fouts]

Victims of physical abuse unfortunately usually and unsuccessfully try to gain the love/affection/acceptance of their abuser. It's very common hun, you're fitting the classic example of a victim.

 

Be smart, be careful, best of luck.

[pinksunglasses]

Victims of physical abuse unfortunately usually and unsuccessfully try to gain the love/affection/acceptance of their abuser. It's very common hun, you're fitting the classic example of a victim.

 

Be smart, be careful, best of luck.

 

Yeah, I think deep down I know what the right thing to do is. I just wish I could have a little more faith in what the future holds with him gone.

[D-Lish]

Yeah, I think deep down I know what the right thing to do is. I just wish I could have a little more faith in what the future holds with him gone.

 

It holds a brighter future for you- and that's what you should be focused on. You can end the cycle here and now if you choose to. You have a choice to either accept violence into your life or deny it.

[samsungxoxo]

I wouldn't go back to someone who hits me, not even once. You did the right thing and if you're hurt then it's for a damn good reason. That's something I would NEVER forget.

You're right... being sorry or roses mean nothing.

[sugarmomma]

You want him back because you haven't learned to honor YOURSELF. Your self esteem and self worth suffer when you are in an abusive relationship. I would suggest that you educate yourself about abuse (i.e. what it looks like and how to avoid it) since there is a cycle that surrounds it. Like someone else said the good times are also a part of it. Stay away from him.

 

If he hits you once he WILL do it AGAIN. It might not happen for a long time but it will happen.

[Kamille]

You can't say that's always true, not everything falls into a neatly defined category.

 

Yet most of us have never suffered any form of physical abuse in our relationships. The fact that this happened after a mere three months of living together means that this guy views physical violence as a way to argue.

 

The OP is better moving on.

[blind_otter]

I have extensive experience with abusive relationships. I have been in one or another since I came into adulthood. Likely due to my past history - growing up with abuse, you lose the radar that people who aren't regularly beat up have. You don't get as many of those "red flags" that other people who don't grow up being abused can easily pick up on.

 

IME, if a man can be moved with enough rage during an argument to physically assault you, he can and will do it again. It could be years down the road, but it could still happen.

 

Similar to the situations that alcoholics and pedophiles face, not to group them together so cavalierly - but the truth is there are certain issues that will always be there. Even an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 35 years can relapse given the right set of circumstances.

 

Besides this truism, the fact of the matter is that if you stay with someone who degrades you like that, over the years, you start to believe them. You are exposed to this constant loop on repeat, it wears you down. At the end of it all, you are a shell of the person you used to be, and you have to be voluntarily celibate for a long, long time to recover.

 

It always starts the same way.

 

Hell, my ex even went through court ordered anger management years ago, when we initially had the first incidence of violence. There was a long gap between the first and second incidences. Then, they kept getting worse, and escalating, and getting closer together.

 

5 years and one kid later, I am going to group therapy twice a week for battered women, and I go to individual therapy. I have to go to court. It's all so stupid. Even more humiliating than being kicked down the hallway in front of my toddler, is having to take off your shirt so a police officer can photograph the marks on your body.

 

You have the opportunity, now, to exit with dignity. Please do this.

[pinksunglasses]

I have extensive experience with abusive relationships. I have been in one or another since I came into adulthood. Likely due to my past history - growing up with abuse, you lose the radar that people who aren't regularly beat up have. You don't get as many of those "red flags" that other people who don't grow up being abused can easily pick up on.

 

IME, if a man can be moved with enough rage during an argument to physically assault you, he can and will do it again. It could be years down the road, but it could still happen.

 

Similar to the situations that alcoholics and pedophiles face, not to group them together so cavalierly - but the truth is there are certain issues that will always be there. Even an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 35 years can relapse given the right set of circumstances.

 

Besides this truism, the fact of the matter is that if you stay with someone who degrades you like that, over the years, you start to believe them. You are exposed to this constant loop on repeat, it wears you down. At the end of it all, you are a shell of the person you used to be, and you have to be voluntarily celibate for a long, long time to recover.

 

It always starts the same way.

 

Hell, my ex even went through court ordered anger management years ago, when we initially had the first incidence of violence. There was a long gap between the first and second incidences. Then, they kept getting worse, and escalating, and getting closer together.

 

5 years and one kid later, I am going to group therapy twice a week for battered women, and I go to individual therapy. I have to go to court. It's all so stupid. Even more humiliating than being kicked down the hallway in front of my toddler, is having to take off your shirt so a police officer can photograph the marks on your body.

 

You have the opportunity, now, to exit with dignity. Please do this.

That is so scary and it's exactly what I'm scared of. I'm really sorry that happened to you. I don't understand why this happens. My ex is not an evil person, like I said before he doesn't do this because he's sick and enjoys it, like in stories I read of other's experiences. I'm sure that's what you said about the person who abused you as well, which Is why I'm so scared. I've looked up so many things and that's why I'm here. I can't find anything online that helps because I've never noticed a "cycle" or anything like that.

My ex's dad is physical and he argues with punching and such so that's kind of how he grew up. My ex knows how it feels and he hates that he did that. The question is whether or not he can control what he's learned in his life and learn a better way to handle a disagreement. We have been in several big fights after him hitting me, mostly because of the fact that he did, and he didn't hit me then. He is a good person and I still just have this feeling that he can change, because it's not him. On the other hand I don't feel like it's 100% that he won't hit me years later. It's one of those things where I can test it and see. If he does then I could have wasted years of my life, and it will be harder to get over. Or I can leave now when I feel like my heart doesn't want to. It's the whole use your mind or heart thing and I still don't know which is right. If my heart is right then it could be amazing, and it's what I really want.

[pinksunglasses]

Of course, my point is that not every instance of physical violence is the same, or means the offender may do it again. Many? Sure. All? No.

Exactly. This is the reason I'm thinking of taking a chance. I WANT to be with him, but statistics of abuse scare me. He doesn't fall into line with an abusive persons attitude and I haven't noticed a cycle. Do you know of any instances where they weren't abusive again? Has this ever happened to you?

[sugarmomma]

It sounds like you will need experience to be your best teacher. You have people sharing with you their experiences and you continue to make excuses for your abuser.

 

Some people learn from the experiences of others and some have to learn from their own. I wish I had your advice when I was 19. I would be much healthier.

 

Good Luck.

[hoping2heal]

Have you also thought of the possibility that as someone who has not had much stability, you could be reaching out to him because he offers a sense of familiarity to you? What you need more than anything right now is some dependable structure in your life. It doesn't matter if this guy hit you one time or 100 times. That door has now been opened by him. It's now a line that is all that easier for him to cross. You shouldn't even be talking to him. I'm not saying he is an awful guy and the worlds most terrible person. However, he is holding you back and always will as long as he remains in your life. You need to steer away from negative influences and start moving towards some positive ones. I think you are yearning for the security you were never afforded and it's hard to realise you will never get all those years without it back. That doesn't mean you can't begin to build it though today. Have you thought about joining a support group or just meeting one on one with an advocate for the abuse you have been through? Those are free services offered through your county/state and it's a great chance for you to meet people who have been in your shoes and understand but who have also went in a positive direction in life regardless of it.

[Angel1111]

There is only one language that abusive people understand - your actions. You can talk until your tongue goes numb about what you think and believe, and what you will or will not do. But there's only one thing he will believe - what you ultimately do. So, you've got two choices: go back to him, or leave him. Going back will say to him, "It's ok to hit me." Leaving him will say, "You crossed a line and you don't get a chance to do it again."

 

Your call.

[Angel1111]

Yeah, I think deep down I know what the right thing to do is. I just wish I could have a little more faith in what the future holds with him gone.

 

You already answered the question for yourself.

 

Each and every time you go against your instincts, you will pay a huge price. I promise.

[SaintDragon]

I'd make yourself happy, going to school, getting a career you love and be independent. You don't need a "man".... Still very young and the only person you need right now is you..

[dreamingoftigers]

Relationships can be crappy enough without the hitting.

 

I have never been hit in a relationship, I can tell you whatever he is doing now will get worse in the long run. It's just human nature. Unless something massive changes him. and i mean frigging miracle.

 

when the red flag is actually hitting you in the face, don't pretend its a flower.

[pinksunglasses]

I've decided to leave him. (well technically I'm not leaving, just not taking him back) He isn't an awful person, that is true, but he's not the guy for me. I forgave him, and it may be that he never would hit me again, but It's not worth it. I have lost myself, and I've lost respect and love for him because of everything. I'm still young anyways. I want to stay young, not stick around with him and settle down.

hah, I'm all happy about this now but I know it's going to be hard. We can't talk anymore for a long time. I can't be friends with him now, I may not ever. I want to talk to him again one day but I can't move on with him still there on the phone every day.

I'm going to be on here a lot more often to cope with this.

[pinksunglasses]

wow, I haven't been on here in a while. I've been spending a long time just thinking about it. i didn't even see all the new replies. Thanks everyone