Fancy Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Because of privacy concerns I really don't want to state my profession, but suffice to say, I work in public service. The people I work with have got to be the most miserable group of people I've ever known in my entire life. There's a certain clique that essentially "run" the place (although they have no real power and certainly no ownership) and they're the ringleaders of all the trouble. Basically, if they like you, everything will run smoothly for you. If not, however, they'll make your life a living hell............not directly to your face, mind you. Oh no, they're much too cowardly for that. Their area of expertise is backbiting, starting unfounded rumors, and doing subtle things to make others doubt your abilities. I guess you could say I'm one of the "fortunate" ones. The clique likes me fairly well and I've had no real trouble with any of them. A while back, one of my coworkers (whom I've known for many years) was telling everyone at the station about how "wild" I used to be......how I drank, smoked pot, and was a real party girl. That is the furthest thing from the truth I've ever heard in my life. I've never drank, smoked a cigarette, and certainly never taken any drugs. He said those things simply to goad me and try to get a rise out of me. Naturally I got upset. I have a good sense of humor and I take a lot of ribbing. However, what he was saying went way beyond the bounds of teasing; it was outright slander. The clique is constantly having social gatherings that I find out about after the fact. They've even been so bold as to make dinner plans right in front of the rest of us on the shift and never once ask if we'd like to join. This is my quandary: I realize that these people are suffering from extreme low self esteem and self worth. The mere fact that they have to constantly down others is proof of that. They all party heavily (which I do not) and quite honestly when I'm around them I leave feeling somewhat slimy. None of them have ever once uplifted me, encouraged me, or made me feel good about my contributions to the organization. Why then am I feeling left out? I don't know why I even posed that question here because I already know the answer. I want to be loved and accepted. I also know that what I need to examine about myself is why I want to be accepted by a group of people such as them. I've tried to separate myself from them as much as possible, keep the conversation on the job at hand, remain friendly but not get involved, etc., but I still leave there daily feeling like a big square peg. This isn't a job I have to be doing, as I don't need the money. I'm doing it because I truly love it and I feel that I'm giving back to society. That's why I hang on, but I feel as though I'm allowing these people to eat away at me and cause me a great deal of unhappiness. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. I guess I just needed to vent, although any insight would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Patty Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Just do your best and dont let those people get to you.It sounds to me that they are trying to get you going,dont even react cause if they see it bothers you they will just keep on doing it.I know how you feel been there many times.Once they see they cant get to you that will drive them crazy.Dont let them have the power to get you down.Your right some people are so miserable with themself that they like to bring others down,cause it makes them feel better.One way of dealing with those kind of people is to not give in to their game. Hope I was able to help. Patty Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Any chance of moving to another office/station where the people might be of higher caliber? It may just be a function of the job, many people gravitate to that type of work and stay there because of the pseudo-power but in reality, they are miserable. Any decent folks you can ally with and have less to do with the miserable ones? And if you continue to be unhappy, you might want to write out and pros and cons list to see if the bad outweighs the good you feel by giving back to society. And then take action to move to something else. If you spend 40 or more hours a week there, that's a big chunk of your life to be unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 LOL your signature gives reply to your quandary: Don't cast your pearls before swine I think you have pinpointed the problem: Why then am I feeling left out? I don't know why I even posed that question here because I already know the answer. I want to be loved and accepted. I also know that what I need to examine about myself is why I want to be accepted by a group of people such as them. It's an unpleasant working atmosphere and they are being rude in holding discussions in public that are usually held in private as if you do not exist. If it was that you simply disliked them then I would say tackle them or move. But it's not just that - you want to be accepted by them so the lack of acceptance makes you feel bad about yourself and this is both why it has such a bad effect on you and why you do not do more to stop the unpleasant comments. In a former job I interviewed people who had breached our disciplinary policy by harassing co-workers. In almost every case they did not know the effect their actions had on others. Behaviour that was to everyone else so over the top that it was deliberate was seen by them as harmless "office banter". They were not just saying this - when asked for examples they were happy to supply them - they had entirely different standards of behaviour. I don't know if the comments you describe are as bad a this but generally people do not set out to seriously upset co-workers. They are thoughtless and intimidating and that prevents anyone telling hem to stop. The next time one of them says something to you tell them you find it offensive and ask them to stop. You will not be able to do this, however, until you cease to wish for acceptance by this group. Do you react this way generally? If you are a loner this could be a sign that you need more intimacy in your life - a more supportive network of friends - then the opinions of others would not matter so much. If this is the case your on-line persona would suggest that you are a considerate and supportive friend but maybe someone who does not make friends too easily (I can't recall what you said that gave me this impression - sorry if it is wrong). This can be overcome with effort but you need a plan of action - and maybe some more LS advice. Alternatively is there an experience of rejection in your past which you may need help in overcoming? If so please don't let it continue to affect your future - talking will help. Other than that I can only suggest you consider the character traits of each and match them to some vile creature you particularly dislike so that when one of them next annoys you you can visualise them in their alternative persona Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 from a different point of view - i've been a number of cliques, i guess. i definitely have been accused of it (albeit gently) a number of times at three different workplaces. i will tell you, though, is that i can almost guarantee it isn't personal. when you're with a group you really like, a kind of 'folie a sept' comes over you - even mundane stuff is just so much fun and productive around the right people, you're not even thinking about anyone who might be left out. we didn't backstab or bother with gossip, though, so maybe it's different. i've been in party cliques, too, and they are not as much fun as the artistic ones, generally. you can pretty much sit back and cackle because part cliques will eventually self-destruct; while you're still sober and employed. in a weird way, i think the guy teasing you about your straight-life liked you enough to tease you - that's often how acceptance is conveyed in these groups. apart from that, i agree with meanon. when you've got your own independent ties rooted strongly, their antics will just seem juvenile and non-threatening. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 when you're with a group you really like, a kind of 'folie a sept' comes over you - even mundane stuff is just so much fun and productive around the right people, you're not even thinking about anyone who might be left out. I've been in party cliques, too Yes actually using this description this could be me too. I assumed the group must be perceived as overtly hostile to make others feel their life was "a living hell". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fancy Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 Thanks to all of you for your help. I truly appreciate it. It's possible for me to go to another agency, but I know for a fact the exact same thing goes on there as well. Not everyone in the organization is like this. There's actually some pretty decent people there. Unfortunately, though, my main interaction at work is with the clique. Meanon, I wouldn't consider myself a loner in the classic sense of the word. If you were to meet me in person you'd think I was very outgoing and would guess that I make friends quite easily. I've been described many times as "bubbly." However, I'm actually quite untrusting of people. I have abandonment issues from childhood and I also have a history of being dumped by friends for no apparant reason. When I've confronted these friends and tried to get to the root of what went wrong, I'm always told "Nothing," and that it's all in my head. Meanwhile, I never hear from them again, unless they're in a crisis situation and need me for something. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the clingy type at all. I've never been one to call my friends every day or want to be with them 24/7 or anything like that. I've always considered myself a loving and loyal friend and I've never been a taker in any sense of the word. Never knowing why some of my closest friends have ended their relationship with me is something that's perplexed me over the years and as a result of that, I'm a bit loath to bond with people now. I'm friendly and chatty, but it's all on a superficial level (i.e. current events, TV shows, etc.) I have a difficult time sharing what's in my heart. I've been posting here regularly since September and this is the first time I've ever started a thread. As I've said before, I have a fairly good relationship with the clique and they've never caused me trouble before (certainly not like they have others). I don't believe they're sitting around diabolically plotting ways to hurt my feelings or anything like that. It's just that I feel very left out. Then again, when I think about it realistically, I say to myself, "Even if they did invite you, would you even want to go? Why would you want to associate yourself with people who gleen pleasure from downing others?" The answer is no, I don't want to be around them. And yet, here I sit, feeling like an outcast. I know it sounds crazy. I guess what I really want is to have a close girl friend who's here in my town whom I can go shopping with once in a while, have lunch with occasionally, and just spend some time with. I don't have that. All the close friends I have are significantly older than me (30+ years older). People my age are either consumed with their small children or their free time is spent partying at nightclubs, which isn't my thing at all. Thanks again to those of you who have read my ramblings. I do appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 The sense of belonging is a basic human need. By your own admission, you don't really 'belong' in any real sense to any group. You see a group that has all the characteristics of belonging and you wish that you could enjoy that, too, even though rationally you know you wouldn't enjoy being with those folks. You do need to make one or a few good friends with whom you can create the sort of bond you'd like. You'll need to try new things and go new places to do that. It will take a while, but eventually, you'll find a group with whom you can mesh. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 It sounds to me like you have the social skills to make friends but are not doing so for fear of being hurt. Maybe the experiences with your friends re-enforced your earlier experiences of abandonment. You may be safe from abandonment but if the price is loneliness it is not a price worth paying. I would suggest that you feel the need to be close to others most when you see the camaraderie of the clique and that is why you want to be accepted. It is the close friendships you crave - not them. I hope you find the courage to lower the barrier and let people in - you deserve the love and comfort of friends. Who knows why the other friendships didn't work out - if they contacted you for help it is unlikely to be because they don't like you. If they were friendships of convenience they may have outlived their usefulness when circumstances changed. Pursue different types of friendships with as many people as you find interesting - you will get different things out of them and some will develop into lasting relationships - those that don't be grateful for the good times and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fancy Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme You see a group that has all the characteristics of belonging and you wish that you could enjoy that, too, even though rationally you know you wouldn't enjoy being with those folks. That's exactly what I was trying to express, only it took me several hundred words to do so. Thanks for simplifying it for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fancy Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 Originally posted by meanon I would suggest that you feel the need to be close to others most when you see the camaraderie of the clique and that is why you want to be accepted. It is the close friendships you crave - not them. Wow! That's very perceptive and totally true! You're right, I do have social skills. I have proper manners, if I'm invited for dinner at someone's home, I bring a small hostess gift and send a thank-you note afterwards, I don't make racist or insensitive remarks to people, etc., etc. My problem isn't that I'm awkward or lacking in people skills.....it's that I fear rejection and abandonment, which has been the story of my life. I feel that being around the clique exacerbates my rejection issues. They serve to represent what I don't have in my own life--closeness. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Now you know what the problem is you are half way there to sorting it out - Hurray!! Find out what the bottom line is - what that negative, subconscious voice says to you when you are thinking of reaching out and taking a risk - the one that stops you doing it. Then tell it to get lost. This sounds silly but it is the basis of a quite successful treatment programme for this problem and while talking may help many people can do it themselves. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fancy Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Cliques are a part of every organization. The larger the organization, the greater the influence of these cliques, and the more fractious they can become. It's all about turf and position within the organization. The people who are involved in this clique have agendas, and they see the clique as a way of promoting their interests. Maybe they can get a raise or a promotion somewhere down the line if they do some bootlicking. I just wouldn't worry about it. You have to be comfortable with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fancy Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 You're right in what you said. The people in this clique have no real life or interests outside of work. To my knowledge, they have no outside friends besides each other and their home/personal lives aren't the best. I think they've found that the job is the only place they can have power, even though they have no real power. I think I have to keep reminding myself that it's friendship and closeness I desire, not the clique. I'm sure with a little schmoozing I could work my way into the clique but in my heart that's not where I want to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Don't get mad, get even! Tell everyone how this prick sexually harrassed you! (Just kidding) Link to post Share on other sites
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