Why am I considered shallow/superficial?

[greensharpie]

Thanks in advance for reading or replying...

 

[i'm a 21 yr old woman by the way...]

 

Whenever I am asked what I look for in a boyfriend, I am thrown in the "shallow women" group. I always believed (and still do to an extent) that this was a misunderstanding, but nowadays I fee guilty for feeling the way I do and questioning if should settle for less...

 

When it comes to what I desire in a partner, particularly a long term partner:

(1) I'd prefer someone who isn't an alcoholic or smoker. I'd prefer someone who isn't verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive.

(2) I do not care what his profession is nor do I care how much money he makes. But I do want some kind of financial stability and responsibility (no debt, or at least some attempt to pay the debt off)

(3) No kids; I don't do well around other peoples kids...

(4) Sex - Id prefer sex until marriage (for non religious reasons) BUT if I can truly believe the person was the one (after 6+ months of dating) I wouldn't mind

(5) Race and ethnicity DOES NOT matter to me, although I have an initial attraction for Latin, South American, and Mediterranean men. I myself am African American

(6) I don't have a checklist of personality traits, since every person is different, but I do like ambition, respect, and intelligence, some sense of humor...a general term " a nice personality" I genuinely like the nice guys.

 

I am labeled superficial because -

(7) I desire a physically attractive man. Not because I want to make myself look better, or show off to friends...I don't rate guys on scales (10 being "hot" and 1 being "hideous"). [For a genera idea of who I'm attracted to : Carter Oosterhouse, Ignacio Figueras, and Boris Kodjoe...to name a few] Now, I don't date just on looks alone; personality plays a huge role whether or not I will remain attracted to that person. That being said, a handsome man who has an empty personality,who is a jerk, or is a narcissist, I wouldn't give a second chance, id be completely turned off..

I'm not trying to chalk-up the perfect man because I don't believe one exists. I just want some who is handsome with a nice personality (which seems just as rare and highly sought after by thousands, if not millions of women).

 

Do you believe I'm setting myself up for failure (by wanting an attractive partner who is also a nice guy) ? Am I still considered a shallow woman?

 

I know it sounds silly worrying over this at a young age...but its been on my mind lately. Thanks again for any feedback!

[Yamaha]

I just want some who is handsome with a nice personality

 

Nothing wrong with this but you will find that many handsome men tend not to be the nicest men because they know they have options. If you can find a guy you are attracted to but he isn't all full of himself then you might have your guy but they are pretty rare. Looks are very important to most people and if your attractive they know their in high demand.

[Ross PK]

You don't sound shallow at all to me. But the no sex until marrige thing is going to put the majority of men off, unless you live in the bible belt or something.

[ADF]

Hmmm. You claim not to be shallow, not to be hung up on looks, yet you have a VERY specific idea of what kind of men you find attractive. And when you cite examples of men you find attractive, you pick men who most women find EXTRAORDINARILY good looking. I think you may be more hung up on looks than you'd like to admit to yourself.

 

However, as a previous poster pointed out, it is your preference for no sex before marriage that is going to be a dealbreaker for 99% of men. And it should be. Only a fool would marry a woman before he knew if she and he were sexually compatible. And guys that are as good-looking as the ones in your examples? Forget about it. They're not gonna wait 6 weeks, never mind 6 months. They don't have to. You're setting yourself up for some serious frustration.

[Krytie TV]

My hunch is that the truth may be in the middle. Many of the people who call you shallow are probably just jealous that they don't fall into your category. And also, you have probably proven yourself to be superficial from time to time.

 

Look inside yourself and be honest. Are you superficial at all? If so, own it. Nothing is wrong as long as you own and accept who you are. Once that happens your are absolved from the scrutiny of others.

[troggleputty]

You don't sound shallow at all to me.

 

Is it possible that you yourself are very hot-looking, dress flashy, etc.?

 

A lot of people might be prejudiced against you because of this.

[greensharpie]

Hmmm. You claim not to be shallow, not to be hung up on looks, yet you have a VERY specific idea of what kind of men you find attractive. And when you cite examples of men you find attractive, you pick men who most women find EXTRAORDINARILY good looking. I think you may be more hung up on looks than you'd like to admit to yourself.

 

I see what you mean...I guess I was a little to specific by including examples too...

 

I can't help who I'm physically attracted to (or maybe I can but I don't know how too). I've had some guys my age interested in me. I was not interested in them because I wasn't physically attracted to them. It would be just as selfish if I just said yes and dated them anyway. It wouldn't be fair to the other person. But I am still friends with the guys who liked me, I did not blow them off.

 

Nothing wrong with this but you will find that many handsome men tend not to be the nicest men because they know they have options. If you can find a guy you are attracted to but he isn't all full of himself then you might have your guy but they are pretty rare. Looks are very important to most people and if your attractive they know their in high demand.

 

I agree with what you mentioned in the first sentence. Because eventhough I'm not actively looking for a guy, I've seen plenty of guys at my college who I was/would be attracted to but they are completly full of themselves. This is exactly what makes me nervous. Its as if I am looking for a single strand of hay in a needle stack lol All the other women have magnifying glasses and I don't.

[greensharpie]

My hunch is that the truth may be in the middle. Many of the people who call you shallow are probably just jealous that they don't fall into your category. And also, you have probably proven yourself to be superficial from time to time.

 

Look inside yourself and be honest. Are you superficial at all? If so, own it. Nothing is wrong as long as you own and accept who you are. Once that happens your are absolved from the scrutiny of others.

 

If I were to truly ask myself, I would say probably not...

 

But if I asked myself why my attraction to handsome men is the strongest, I couldn't provide an answer. Celebrities and media did not influence me, nor did family and friends. I was influenced though by what to look into as far as a mans personaity, but nothing physical. I assumed maybe I'm just more visual, or I'm slightly abnormal lol

 

I tried keeping my standards as vague as possible. Usually the shallow women I've come across narrowed their choices down by music, style of clothes, income, AND profession. Even the type of car he drives was factored in. And if he has a single flaw, it was over. I don't see myself ever doing that. Its nonsense...

 

If I am required to wait to find the right guy, I wouldn't mind, but then I don't want to wait too long, and be close to 40 with no success. I know no one can foretell the future, but from what I've heard, read, and seen I'm expecting the worse and figure it would be easier if I don't try and give up...not saying I would now, but its an option.

[Fouts]

You can't control who you fall in love with hun, but your priorities seem fine to me, not shallow or superficial. Happy hunting !

[greensharpie]

You don't sound shallow at all to me.

 

Is it possible that you yourself are very hot-looking, dress flashy, etc.?

 

A lot of people might be prejudiced against you because of this.

 

I don't consider myself hot looking; I'm pretty, but I'm no halle berry. I'm modest with my appearence, so I dress casually most of the time. I do dress up, but only on good days lol I'm blind when it comes to jealousy, cause I never considered it to be the case. If it isn't obvious, I don't assume

[ADF]

I can't help who I'm physically attracted to (or maybe I can but I don't know how too). I've had some guys my age interested in me. I was not interested in them because I wasn't physically attracted to them. It would be just as selfish if I just said yes and dated them anyway. It wouldn't be fair to the other person. But I am still friends with the guys who liked me, I did not blow them off.

 

No one can help who they are attracted to. But your descriptions of what you're looking for physically are FAR more specific and detailed than what you say you are looking for mentally or emotionally. This makes it sound like the physical is what matters most to you. But as I said, that isn't going to be your big problem. Your stance on sex is going to be your problem. Very few men--never mind what they look like--are going to swallow six or more months of sexual rejection. Very few.

[spriggig]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

Wow, I spent way too much of my youth searching for the perfect woman.

 

Set whatever standards you want, as long as you are open and friendly--love is going to blindside you. Yep, you won't see it coming and it's the most wonderful thing.

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

Kudos for being clear about what you want in a mate.

 

Be ready to bring those same qualities to the table. Best wishes

[Eeyore79]

The other posters are right; handsome men are too often full of themselves, they cheat and lie, and sleep around and treat you like crap, simply because they can. Not all handsome men are like that, but decent and handsome men are few and far between. The same usually applies to rich guys too, I'm afraid; women want them so they don't have to make an effort to be nice to any one specific woman. In general, a less attractive/rich guy will make much more effort to be kind and nice and take care of you, in order to compensate for not being handsome/rich.

 

You'd be better off putting criteria such as personality, intelligence, stability, etc at the top of your list, and putting handsome as "nice but not essential". You're unlikely to find a guy with everything, and looks are easier to live without that other things such as kindness and a decent job. Not that you should date ugly guys who you're not attracted to, but a guy with medium looks is a good catch if he has everything else going for him. You may even come to find the medium looking guy extremely attractive if you get to know and love him!

[Disillusioned]

So, you're not a ditz, but maybe people think you act like one? Ditzes tend to act hyper and smile a lot for no reason... do you do that? You could try acting a little more demure, then men will think you're mysterious.

 

Or, maybe the other posters are right, if you've been trying to find handsome guys who are full of themselves, of course that kind of guy is going to think the rest of the world is shallow! My advice would be to learn a few guy hobbies, then approach guys who look only so-so, but they appreciate a woman who shares their interest.

 

You never know, that guy who isn't VGL might stick his neck out for you.

[Disillusioned]

This is a joke post, right?

 

LS itself is one big joke, but we're supposed to pretend otherwise... to fool the rubes.

[lino]

You don't sound shallow or superficial to me.

 

However like others have said, the no sex before marriage thing will turn a lot of guys off. 6 months is too long for me to wait to have sex as well, I don't see the point in waiting that long if the two people in question are very into each other.