midlifecrisis Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Well, I must say it is great being in a positive, developing relationship! Things are really going wonderfully for me, and I don't want to blow it! Many times, I think I obsess about it -- so rather than let that spill over to my relationship, I think I'd be better off obsessing about things here! Anyway, my latest obsession is about how to know when I'm truly in love, and if I am -- when is the right time to communicate that? On the first question (how to know when I'm in love), I haven't had a great track-record: 1 7-year marriage, and 2 year-or-so girlfriends. So... trusting my feelings might be a questionable strategy? So... how do you know when you are in love? Maybe I'll identify with some of your thoughts On the second question (when to say it), I don't want to express this too early, even though my whole body aches to say it. We have only been dating a month? Too short of a time, right? Thanks in advance.... Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Hey I think that's a great question and I've wondered it myself. Before I met my current boyfriend I thought I had love all figured out. Part of my definition of love was that love takes a long time to grow yadda yadda. Well, about 2 months into our relationship I had this serious urge to tell him I loved him. Everytime we got off the phone or were making love I wanted to say "I love you". So finally I decided to tell him regardless that 2months did not fit into my schema of love. It took a while to spit it out because I was a bit nervous but I finally said "we've spent a lot of time together and I love you". His response was "I know you do... I love you too". It was awesome but while I still do love him, I think it was a bit premature. I think when I told him I loved him I was actually in lust. I think when you love someone TRUST is a huge issue. At the time I didn't FULLY trust him. You have to ask yourself "Do I trust this person 100%?" Do you trust her not to cheat on you, or leave you? I mean do you REALLY trust her? Also another thing I've noticed from past experiance was after I broke up with my previous boyfriend of 3 years is that I still DO care about him, and worry about him. I've gotten beyond the desire to be with him and I know that if I were to stay with him it would make both of us miserable, but I still love him in a way. Do you care and worry about this person and their well being? It's a fine line between love and lust, but I think when you're in love it's awesome and it's a sure thing. However I don't think love and lust are exactly black and white either. I think love sneaks up on you and grows. I think love grows OUT OF lust over time. Anyway, I hope I helped you somehow. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 Medgirl -- thanks for your reply -- that does help! I think it is still too early. We are still in that whirl-wind, everything is great period -- maybe I need to wait until we experience something a little tougher to see how I feel. Or as the other perspective you brought up -- I want to see how I feel when the lust isn't there all the time.... Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Love is a feeling, not a thought. If you have to ask, it hasn't happened yet. Don't let that trivialize your relationship, that's not what I'm saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 A month is way too soon, my dear. When the time is right, both you and he will know. Hope it works out for you! Goodluck, ~V Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 midlife, you brought up something in your second post that made me think. Maybe saying "I love you" should wait until at least after the first conflict (or tiff, or row, if you will), because then you know that even after the going gets rough (relatively speaking - every couple has a different fighting style), you still care enough about that person (and TRUST them - very good point Medgirl) to love them. There are other factors that should definitely be taken into consideration, like time (If you fight in the first euphoric phase of your relationship, then are you really happy? etc), but at least wait until you're clear of the "pure lust"/chemical phase. Link to post Share on other sites
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