Snooped through her cell phone

[Wildabeest]

I've been divorced for three years and it ended due my XW cheating on me. I've just recently become engaged to my fiancé who I truly feel is the love of my life. Last week I took my kids to Disneyworld for a week. She couldn't come due to work obligations.

 

We have a very loving relationship where we talk and Text all day long. Last Thursday I had taken my kids to the pool so I didn't get her call right then. Once I saw she called I called her back. She ended up texting me a couple of hours later saying she was karaoking with her friends and that shed call me after. I'm ok with her hanging out with her friends but it was getting late and I really wanted to hear her voice. She could tell I was agitated and asked what was wrong so I told her that I was agitated she couldn't call me for at least a min and how she keeps the phone glued to her and it wasn't that hard to call. She text back "wow, whatever. Good night" I didn't text her back but the next morning she text me if I was still mad at her. I was and got into it and she countered with. If our relationship was going to me checking up on her all the time than forget it. She than went on to say that she loved me and missed me and can't wait to see me and she didn't want to fight with me.

I got home and things were really good. So I dropped the whole issue.

 

I stayed at her house last night and her son was acting up so she went to his room to comfort her and ended up sleeping there. I ended up bumping into her cell phone and I couldn't help it. I snooped. I saw a bunch of texts from some guy named XX and they had pretty flirty exchanges. Like "I really hate you l.. Do you hate me more?" and she called him "daddy". From the looks of it they have known each other a while. So I looked at their texts and Friday day her texts was:

her: guess what

him: what

her: I'm sick

him: it must have been you kissing me

her: I didn't kiss you

him: you must have when I fell asleep

 

from some other texts I read he apparently spent the night.

 

Wow! Seriously? Even if he was just a friend what's with the playful banter? I know I shouldn't have snooped but having been burned before I have to make sure. I would happily let her go through my phone. Even if nothing happened between them she's still covering it up. I'm truly gutted. This woman is my life and she says that she is completely in love with me. Her ex husband supposedly cheated on her but she found out after they separated and the reason he divorced her was he suspected her of cheating on him with a coworker. She says it's was unwarranted and nothing happened btweeb them. One recent text was to that co worker in question asking to hang out again.

 

We are planning to get married and I have to be sure. From the looks of it I'm getting played. Am I overeacting? I know she will say he's just a friend and I shouldn't be going through her cell phone but if she truly had nothing to hide than I wouldn't have found anything. I truly love this girl and I don't know if I can be without her but this will just eat me alive...

Edited March 8, 2010 by Wildabeest

[troggleputty]

Cancel the wedding.

 

She's a cheater.

 

Move on.

 

You don't owe her an explanation.

[Fouts]

Yes, I think you're overreacting a bit. It doesn't sound like infidelity on her part, but it seems like there's a few sparks in the kindling that could ignite.

 

You have some serious trust issues, she has some issues about being open and honest with you. At a minimum the marriage talk needs to be cooled way off, especially with children involved. You two need to have a serious discussion about what both of your expectations are.

[In_Repair]

I've been divorced for three years and it ended due my XW cheating on me.

 

Yeah, you have trust issues... and you have every right to. I'm in the same boat as you, and since my marriage failed, I've walked away from otherwise wonderful women because of stuff like this. The fact that she has such a huge problem with you "checking up" on her, especially after being cheated on herself, is a little strange. At the very least, it shows a severe lack of understanding on her part. Do you really want to go down that road again? Enter into a life where you are constantly wondering? Not me. I'd openly and calmly discuss this and tell her what you found. If she was anything other than understanding and completely open to discussion about it, I'd turn around and start walking.

 

Don't listen to anyone who tries to put this on you. Go into this remembering two things. 1:There is no reason on earth, short of some sort of disaster, that another man should be spending the night anywhere around your fiance without your prior knowledge and consent. 2:She should have no real objections to you "snooping" in her phone if she has nothing to hide.

[Wildabeest]

Thanks for the advice. Ignorance truly is bliss. I am definitely confronting her about this. If she truly does care about me she will want to work things out.

[carhill]

Watch out for the gaslight. It's coming

[Left in a Lurch]

When she gets angry at you for looking at her cell phone and blames you, tell her that anger is only a mask for the shame she won't admit for playing around on you, and apparently the ends justified the means.

[lostsunsets]

If this guy is sleeping over. And she isn't honest about it. Dump her.

[Disintegration]

What's a guy doing sleeping over your fiancee's house to begin with? That can ultimately lead to danger.

[sophiclover]

If you confront her and you're wrong, where will that lead you. In my opinion you don't have any proof. Until you've got proof the only thing you're going to do is to make yourself look bad.

 

ChatRoomHero makes a very clear point... she's going to get mad at you for snooping. If you want to maintain the upper hand in this you have to have proof. Text messages mean nothing.

[2sure]

She spent the night with him , or part of it. They had sex but did not kiss because he has a cold.

 

Still, she got it anyway.

[phineas]

Look at it this way, i'm sure your first wife was your life at one point just like your fiance.

You got over your wife.

You'll get over this one.

 

Just ask her who "insert guy's name here" is & watch her eyeballs pop out of their sockets.

 

Trust me they will.

 

you've known this woman how long? You are getting married. There is absolutly no reason you would not know all of her friends (man or woman) by this time unless they lived out of town.

 

Also, if she's hanging out with this guy & has never said his name to you then she is keeping it from you for a reason.

 

Sounds just like my situation with my STBXW. She had a "good friend" I never met or even heard of. She was banging him.

[Wildabeest]

So....I called her and told her I wanted to talk about the unresolved issue we had of her getting defensive about her actions last thursday night. I asked her what she did that night. She said that she was hanging out at a friends house doing karaoke like she said. I asked her who she was with. Her friend (girl) and some other people. I asked her point blank was there any guys there. She said a few husbands of friends were there. I than asked her point blank, who is XXX. She said, why. I said I looked through her cell phone and there were incriminating texts exchanged between the two of them.

 

She than proceeded to calmly explain that XXX was an old boyfriend she dated about 5 years ago for about 1.5 years. She said that they were strictly friends and there was no romantic interest between them. I asked her if he spent the night, she emphatically denied him ever spending the night and the text messages about kissing (or not kissing) was completely innocuous.

 

She wasn't angry with me snooping on her phone and she said that she had nothing to hide. She is only in love with me and would never do anything to hurt me. I asked her why she never mentioned XXX. She said she has a lot of guy friends that she still chats with so she didn't think it was worth bringing up everyone she was talking to.

 

I thought about it and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She said that she is glad that I brought it up to her and loved our relationship so far because we nip problems in the bud and I'm willing to deal with things as they come up and not let them fester.

 

I feel a lot better having this conversation with her but I still get this nagging feeling that she just might be a smooth operator. I really don't think she hasn't been untruthful to me but she also hasn't been completely forthright in her actions. The dynamic has changed though...In the immortal words of DeNiro in Meet the parents..."I've got my eye on you Fokker" so now if she wants to cheat she'll just have to be a little more sneaky. lol! The thing is... I do trust her and believe that she wouldn't cheat on me. I just don't want to be in a relationship where I'm constantly worried about my mate.

 

The thing is - I'm currently nursing a really bad cold...If I got a cold from her, god knows what else I may have picked up....

[carhill]

Not bad for an opener. It'll get better. Tell me, is she high numbers?

 

Hope you're feeling better soon....colds this year blow...

[Richard Friedman]

So....I called her and told her I wanted to talk about the unresolved issue we had of her getting defensive about her actions last thursday night. I asked her what she did that night. She said that she was hanging out at a friends house doing karaoke like she said. I asked her who she was with. Her friend (girl) and some other people. I asked her point blank was there any guys there. She said a few husbands of friends were there. I than asked her point blank, who is XXX. She said, why. I said I looked through her cell phone and there were incriminating texts exchanged between the two of them.

 

She than proceeded to calmly explain that XXX was an old boyfriend she dated about 5 years ago for about 1.5 years. She said that they were strictly friends and there was no romantic interest between them. I asked her if he spent the night, she emphatically denied him ever spending the night and the text messages about kissing (or not kissing) was completely innocuous.

 

She wasn't angry with me snooping on her phone and she said that she had nothing to hide. She is only in love with me and would never do anything to hurt me. I asked her why she never mentioned XXX. She said she has a lot of guy friends that she still chats with so she didn't think it was worth bringing up everyone she was talking to.

 

I thought about it and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She said that she is glad that I brought it up to her and loved our relationship so far because we nip problems in the bud and I'm willing to deal with things as they come up and not let them fester.

 

I feel a lot better having this conversation with her but I still get this nagging feeling that she just might be a smooth operator. I really don't think she hasn't been untruthful to me but she also hasn't been completely forthright in her actions. The dynamic has changed though...In the immortal words of DeNiro in Meet the parents..."I've got my eye on you Fokker" so now if she wants to cheat she'll just have to be a little more sneaky. lol! The thing is... I do trust her and believe that she wouldn't cheat on me. I just don't want to be in a relationship where I'm constantly worried about my mate.

 

The thing is - I'm currently nursing a really bad cold...If I got a cold from her, god knows what else I may have picked up....

 

Yeah it's completely normal for females to refer their friends as "daddy?" It's even more telling that she did not mention him at all until you asked, or that he spent the night.. Even if something physical did not happen, which you know did, why would you ever want to marry a classless woman with no boundaries? The evidence of her whorishness was staring you right in the face, you know know people can't be taken at face value from your first wife, and yet you choose to believe everything she says on blind faith. Why do you do it? Look, i know you've been hurt before and it must be gutwrenching to have to accept that you've failed in your judgment twice and your time has gone to waste. However by refusing to see the facts for what they are, you're just setting yourself up for a world of hurt. "You can use your illusion, let it take you where it may, but sometimes it's best to live and learn and then just walk away. But me I'm just hanging on in my only place today, at least for now anyway. I've worked too hard for my illusion to throw it all away." - Guns n' Roses

Edited March 8, 2010 by Richard Friedman

[Wildabeest]

My best girl friend of mine wants to slap me silly to get me to face up to the facts. I guess I really need to get my head outta my azz...

[Wildabeest]

Not bad for an opener. It'll get better. Tell me, is she high numbers?

 

Hope you're feeling better soon....colds this year blow...

 

High Numbers? You mean past sexual partners?

[Wildabeest]

She claims that he never spent the night, that I was mistaken in the text exchange. She has people that would verify her where abouts that night. Yeah like her friends would make great character witnesses. Although the texts didn't specifically mention him staying over night it subtly suggested it. I know he did in fact drop off nyquil to her.

 

The flirty banter still doesn't sit well with me.

[carhill]

high numbers = many disparate sexual partners in relation to number of years active sexually. For myself, at my age (50), anything over two per year, averaged, is high. YMMV...

[Bryanp]

Wildabeast, Let me ask you this. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your girlfriend would be so accepting of this? I am sorry but you can be sure that there is more to this story. In addition, why would you want to marry someone who stays in touch with ex-boyfriends (people she slept with) who come over and visit her in the evenings? Her comment that he was just an ex-boyfriend and she chats with lots of guy and didn't feel it was worth bringing up is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

Think about this. She is planning to marry you and as no problem chatting with other guys and has no problem having an ex-boyfriend come over to her place when she is sick and tells you it was not worth telling you about it. If you marry this woman then you are out of your mind. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. Open your eyes.

[ladyokane]

Nice one Chat room Hero! I concur!

[Wildabeest]

high numbers = many disparate sexual partners in relation to number of years active sexually. For myself, at my age (50), anything over two per year, averaged, is high. YMMV...

 

I don't know, never asked and never will.

[Wildabeest]

Wildabeast, Let me ask you this. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your girlfriend would be so accepting of this? I am sorry but you can be sure that there is more to this story. In addition, why would you want to marry someone who stays in touch with ex-boyfriends (people she slept with) who come over and visit her in the evenings? Her comment that he was just an ex-boyfriend and she chats with lots of guy and didn't feel it was worth bringing up is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

Think about this. She is planning to marry you and as no problem chatting with other guys and has no problem having an ex-boyfriend come over to her place when she is sick and tells you it was not worth telling you about it. If you marry this woman then you are out of your mind. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. Open your eyes.

 

Yeah, that is pretty messed up. I certainly don't keep in touch with my ex girlfriends and even the girl friends I have now I would never have sexually charged flirtatious banter.

[Left in a Lurch]

I read about your last conversation and I feel bad about saying this but nothing about this seems on the level. Not mentioning an old boyfriend that was close enough to her to send texts like that tells me she is hiding it.

 

I bet if I posted everything you posted and you were giving me advice you'd say there was something wrong too.

[Wildabeest]

Thanks. I get it. As much as I don't want to see the brutally honest truth i have to. It's just going to be so hard to let this one go because we connect on a level I've never experienced before and I'm scared I never will again.