My own little LDR hell :(

[BettyBoop]

Hi everyone,

 

I just felt I needed someone else's view on this..

 

I've been together with my current boyfriend for over 1 year now and we've had many ups and downs due to issues from past relationships. I am abroad for 2 months and when I left the last weeks had been the most amazing of our relationship so far and everything felt great.

 

Once I was here we started arguing a lot and to cut the story short it is now 2 weeks left.

 

Since we had another argument last thursday he told me I overanalyze everything and that it is basically my fault everytime we have argued while I've been away. These last three days I've noticed how only I have texted him and he has ignored anything in my texts that was sweet or loving.

 

Last night he went to his friend and told me this 1 hr before he had to go when I asked if we could skype this evening. His connection was up and he txted me it wouldn't let him back online after several interrupted calls. I texted him saying fine and asked him to say hello to his friend from me and good night. I did not receive a reply.

 

This morning I received a postcard he'd sent me from his vacation and texted him telling him how happy it made me. No response. I texted him again later on and said it was a beautiful day and hoped he had fun last night and then he responded that he had and he had worked all day. Nothing else.

 

I was online all his evening except 9 pm when I went outside for a walk, when I got back 30 min later he had texted me "I didn't see you online all day so I must have missed you. Am going to bed now. Goodnight."

 

Now, to me I interpret this as he had no intention of speaking to me tonight. I didn't see him online for 4 hours straight when I was online and if he had wanted to talk to me on skype - he would have texted me when he *was* online and asked me if I could come online too, right?

 

Or am I just overanalyzing? I feel like everything is my fault, but at the same time I am sad all the time and crying because I feel like my emotions are ignored and just translated by him as being "overanalyzing" everything. But I feel like after all my relationships I know the difference between a guy who is into you and one who is not as into you as he used to be...

[Ecosse]

LDR can suck at times and if you have any insecurities they have a way of finding light...

 

If I were in your situation I would do one of two things

 

I would forst really think about how your relationship is when you two are together... with just 2 weeks left for the distance I would really be considering this.

 

The other option is bring it up to him when you both have a chance to really sit down and talk...

 

It is easy to feel overlooked... you two are leading separate lives right now.

 

Guess the best advise I have is not to dwell on it and see how things are when you get back home

[BettyBoop]

Ecosse, thank you for your reply. I have been doing the first thing that you suggested, however, the way the future is looking right now we are heading towards years of LDR since we have different futures at different universities. So it is difficult to think of things other than what it is like now in this long distance relationship.

 

I feel like I would want to discuss things once I am back home but it makes me worried each day he pushes me further away from him emotionally at this point. It feels like I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't.

[aerogurl87]

 

I feel like I would want to discuss things once I am back home but it makes me worried each day he pushes me further away from him emotionally at this point. It feels like I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

It does sound like he's pushing you away and if I were you I'd just talk to him about it. When one person starts down the road of excluding the other emotionally, that usually is a sign of the beginning of the end, whether each person recognizes it or not. Granted, he could be distancing himself because he doesn't want to get hurt, and if that's the case you two need to talk about it before this small problem snowballs into a major issue.

[hoping2heal]

Hi everyone,

 

I just felt I needed someone else's view on this..

 

I've been together with my current boyfriend for over 1 year now and we've had many ups and downs due to issues from past relationships. I am abroad for 2 months and when I left the last weeks had been the most amazing of our relationship so far and everything felt great.

 

Once I was here we started arguing a lot and to cut the story short it is now 2 weeks left.

 

Since we had another argument last thursday he told me I overanalyze everything and that it is basically my fault everytime we have argued while I've been away. These last three days I've noticed how only I have texted him and he has ignored anything in my texts that was sweet or loving.

 

Last night he went to his friend and told me this 1 hr before he had to go when I asked if we could skype this evening. His connection was up and he txted me it wouldn't let him back online after several interrupted calls. I texted him saying fine and asked him to say hello to his friend from me and good night. I did not receive a reply.

 

This morning I received a postcard he'd sent me from his vacation and texted him telling him how happy it made me. No response. I texted him again later on and said it was a beautiful day and hoped he had fun last night and then he responded that he had and he had worked all day. Nothing else.

 

I was online all his evening except 9 pm when I went outside for a walk, when I got back 30 min later he had texted me "I didn't see you online all day so I must have missed you. Am going to bed now. Goodnight."

 

Now, to me I interpret this as he had no intention of speaking to me tonight. I didn't see him online for 4 hours straight when I was online and if he had wanted to talk to me on skype - he would have texted me when he *was* online and asked me if I could come online too, right?

 

Or am I just overanalyzing? I feel like everything is my fault, but at the same time I am sad all the time and crying because I feel like my emotions are ignored and just translated by him as being "overanalyzing" everything. But I feel like after all my relationships I know the difference between a guy who is into you and one who is not as into you as he used to be...

 

Your feelings are not being validated and your needs are not being met. Which is why you feel sad and hypervigilant. This guy is treating you like "meh". Let him know how this is making you feel, and if this relationship means something to him he will start stepping up to the plate. If he just tells you that you are "over reacting" and "being silly" then you decide if you want to stay in a relationship where your needs won't be made a priority and are looked upon as an annoying afterthought.

[Els]

IMO, there are two possibilities here.

 

The first is the more sinister one: He's found someone else, or he's backing off and not interested anymore, or he doesn't care anymore, etc.

 

The second is that he's just sick of the distance and the accompanying arguments and troubles, so he's backing off for a while and putting the relationship 'on hold' til you get back in 2 weeks' time. Not entirely fair to you, but it's how some men deal with relationship troubles, and perhaps he thought 2 weeks isn't all that long anyway.

 

Since you would be back for good in 2 weeks, I would wait and see how he is then.

 

If he's still being emotionally unavailable, run!

[Ecosse]

I think it is better to discuss this IN PERSON

 

If things are a little shaky right now (for any reason) then it will be easy to be misunderstood...

 

If you take into consideration that (somewhere in the range of) 90% of communication is non verbal... I liken it to this

 

Imagine communicating with a quadriplegic person who is bind and deaf in one ear... easy to misunderstand what each other is saying...

 

When you get back to him I would bring it up then... Also if you are going to be heading in diff directions for Uni then this is a good time to see what works and what doesnt for your LDR... This is a good thing kinda like a trial LDR, work out the bugs then go again...

[BettyBoop]

The second is that he's just sick of the distance and the accompanying arguments and troubles, so he's backing off for a while and putting the relationship 'on hold' til you get back in 2 weeks' time. Not entirely fair to you, but it's how some men deal with relationship troubles, and perhaps he thought 2 weeks isn't all that long anyway.

 

Thank you again everyone who took the time to reply. I used to get blamed for everything that went wrong before during our relationship until I told him one day I couldn't cope with it and he promised to change and he did. This is the first time since last october that I have seen this behaviour in him again where I end up feeling like I am just overreacting and it is all somehow my fault.

 

I do agree with Elswyth on the quoted part. I sent him the following text message: "It's odd we missed each other online as I was online from 6 pm to almost 9 pm your time and then went out for a brief walk. I wish you would have contacted me if you wanted to skype. I haven't gotten anything done this evening, hopefully I will do better tomorrow."

 

I sort of felt I was putting the two invisible questions in there; "If you wanted to talk to me - why didn't you?" and "I don't think you did want to talk to me"...since he didn't contact me or said he wished he would have been able to talk to me...

 

I do feel like he is pushing me away emotionally and I do think it is killing this relationship and it might already be dead by the time I get home. I do agree this is snowballing into something huge. I hate the fact he told me I have to stop overanalyzing because it feels as if I do talk to him about it now he will just go ahead and say that and play innocent and then I will look like the insane girlfriend.

[Ecosse]

The only thing you can control is you and how you react... Do YOU think you might be overreacting? Or at least might be coming off as such?

 

Im not pointing the finger here.. Im just suggesting that perhaps there is a logical reason that you two missed each other

 

From a diff perspective... Perhaps he is feeling insecure too and doesnt know how to talk about it because he doesnt want to be insecure... Just spitballing ideas here

[Els]

I do feel like he is pushing me away emotionally and I do think it is killing this relationship and it might already be dead by the time I get home. I do agree this is snowballing into something huge. I hate the fact he told me I have to stop overanalyzing because it feels as if I do talk to him about it now he will just go ahead and say that and play innocent and then I will look like the insane girlfriend.

 

Honey, instead of torturing yourself like that, why not put all this on hold too and stop worrying about how it'll be like? You're quite fortunate where circumstances are concerned - it's only 2 weeks more, you won't have to separate after that again, and you don't have to give up or even pay anything to be able to see him. In such circumstances, why not just wait and see? For now, just treat it like a break and hit the pause button. Try to stop thinking about him, go out and do everything that you like to do alone or with friends.

 

Then, when he comes back, you can see whether or not he truly has changed, and you can make your decision.

[EricaH329]

I really feel your pain. Your story is extremely similar to something I went through before.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together, off and on, for a year and a half. It's almost been a year since we have been in an LDR. We've broken up twice. And both times, he started acting the saaame way that your boyfriend is acting. Blaming everything on me, telling me it's my fault our relationship is the way it is, saying that i'm over reacting about everything.

 

It's really, really frustrating because all you want them to do is listen. Listen and try to understand where you are coming from. But they are so stubborn that they won't even try, instead they begin pointing fingers and backing away. It's pretty cowardly, if you ask me.

 

This does not sound like it's going to end well. Actions need to be taken now. No matter what actions those are, things cannot go on like this, or he will keep backing away from you.

 

What I learned throughout my experience (and i'm not sure if you are the same way or not), but the further he pushed away, the harder I pulled him closer. Or tried to anyway. It was as if I could feel the resistance, and I continued to pull.

 

This needs to be talked about and worked through. You need to listen to where he is coming from, and try to understand it. And he will also need to listen to where you are coming from, and try to understand that as well.

[BettyBoop]

Thank you again to all of you who have given your advice. It is nice to know I am not alone with this experience...

 

Eccosse, I do believe that in his eyes I am the one over reacting... He hasn't had a distance relationship for years and when he did they were still in the same country just 2 hours away...and saw each other every other weekend. However, when we had some distance in between us last summer when I was in my hometown 3 hrs away things were pretty bad after three weeks away. He started fights with me and was generally unhappy. :/ So it is a bad pattern and I did fear this as I left this time. Actually, the reason I am abroad no longer than two months is because of the fear of him giving up on the relationship. I was offered to be abroad 6 months up to one year by the university.

 

Elswyth, thank you so much for your kind words. Problem is this will happen again as I will be living 4 hours away by train and 1.5 hours away by plane 2 months from now. He didn't say anything about wanting to live together so I made up my mind to move back home where I could live free until I found a job.

 

EricaH329 - I was soo happy to read your post and know I'm not alone to be blamed! I am the one to initiate contact now and try to make him realise he is talking to a person and not some stranger across the ocean on a screen or phone... I do however feel like every single time we have distance in between us - he is the one who blames it all on me. I think it is difficult for him to see that he has the responsibility too, to keep up and in touch. I think he feels I've just abandoned him and yesterday when I did call him to talk he said "it's like we're living different lives now". And all I could think about was that "yeah, we do. But if we shared our lives with each other and communicated daily it wouldn't feel like this.".

 

I don't think he can function well in a LDR or even SDL like we will have once I am back home. He's gonna be abroad for 1 month travelling in the summer and then all we'll be able to do is text each other. If he can't handle distance with skype - then how can he handle distance with texting? I never ever had this problem with my ex fiancé who I had a distance relationship with for 2 years straight...he never made me feel like I was being a bad girlfriend. Or that I didn't try hard enough.

 

I think a part of me knows we're not compatible.... but I love him.

[Els]

Sounds like he just isn't cut out for LDRs, then - I find that some people, even though they can be the best and most loving partners IRL, just suck at LDRs. Perhaps because they are less good at verbal/text communication and also place less stock in it, or for other reasons.

 

Regardless, I think you need to tell him, once he's back, that you and him just can't do LDRs, because he isn't meeting your needs or even trying to while you're LD. See if he offers any ideas on how he can either change that, or preclude the necessity of LD in the future (by asking you to move in). If he doesn't, it's a tough decision that you'll have to make, and I hope you'll be prepared for it.

[EricaH329]

I think a part of me knows we're not compatible.... but I love him.

 

The amount of times that I thought this myself, is uncountable. I know exactly how you feel. The both of you have different communication styles. It becomes very aggrevating (for you) when you are trying to communicate, and he blows you off or doesn't understand.

 

LDR's are very, very hard. As we both know. It requires so much more effort and patience than regular relationships. Some people aren't cut out for that. Most aren't, actually.

 

The bottom line is, is that if he is not giving you what you deserve out of a relationship, no matter how much you love him, things will never work. I don't know how many times i've told my boyfriend that love alone isn't enough to maintain a healthy relationship. And it's true.

 

I would suggest to him that if he cannot respect you, that no matter how much you both love eachother it just won't work. There needs to be a 2 way street, and as of now... there's only one. Trust me, you don't want to drag this out if this is how it's going to continue on.

[BettyBoop]

LDR's are very, very hard. As we both know. It requires so much more effort and patience than regular relationships. Some people aren't cut out for that. Most aren't, actually.

 

I would suggest to him that if he cannot respect you, that no matter how much you both love eachother it just won't work. There needs to be a 2 way street, and as of now... there's only one. Trust me, you don't want to drag this out if this is how it's going to continue on.

 

I am not sure to be honest what he really thought about it. For the next 3 years he is going to stay put with his education and after that he wants additional 2 year masters. Meanwhile, I want to work one year and then 2 years of masters in the neighbor country.

 

Honestly, I think the only way it will work is if I give up my dream and just stay close to him all the time. But that will not make me happy. I'm gonna discuss it with him when I am back home and ask him what he really thinks and expects. I so agree with you that love is far from enough especially in LDRs...communication and will on both sides are crucial. :/

[EricaH329]

I'm really looking forward to hearing what he has to say about all of this after you talk to him. Please keep us updated. You can PM me also, if you ever need to talk. I know what it's like. I'm in an LDR myself and have been through the worst lows possible.

[BettyBoop]

I'm really looking forward to hearing what he has to say about all of this after you talk to him. Please keep us updated. You can PM me also, if you ever need to talk. I know what it's like. I'm in an LDR myself and have been through the worst lows possible.

 

Aw thanks for being so sweet and understanding, Erica, I appreciate it. I never had problems like these before in LDRs. We spoke last night and when I joked around about what if I move to the northern part of our country to get a job and he didn't reply. He did the same thing when I said "Well maybe you'd like to see your g/f a few days before the vacation?" (We're going with his parents on a week trip this summer...) and again his response was kind of lame.

 

I guess I don't really have high hopes for this anymore. Also, I think no matter the outcome it will end with me feeling like I was an idiot for even trying. XP But that's just be being depressed at the moment...will let you all know how it goes when we see each other again in 2 weeks from today...

[Rollercoasterr]

You're not an idiot for even trying, sweetie. Really. You try because you care about that person. That doesn't mean that the person is going to end up who you thought they were in the end.

 

You need to remember that you're a wonderful person. You deserve happiness, and he isn't giving it to you. That doesn't mean that you're stupid because you tried. That means that he doesn't meet your needs and he's the one who's got the problem if he can't see that you're amazing. Love isn't enough to keep a relationship alive. Love is only enough to push you in the right direction. There needs to be love, communication, and trust.

 

You do what makes YOU happy. No matter what else happens along the way, YOU are the one and only person that is guaranteed to always be in your life.

[BettyBoop]

You do what makes YOU happy. No matter what else happens along the way, YOU are the one and only person that is guaranteed to always be in your life.

 

Thank you RC for your kind words. I really liked the last part, because you're absolutely right. I will keep you all updated.

[Rollercoasterr]

Please do keep us updated, and always remember that YOU are the most important person in your life.