Passion vs in love

[wheelwright]

I have been careful here on LS recently to not post to the heart of the issue for me. Reasons? Maybe I don;t want to bore people. But things have moved on enough to post this, and I don't find it easy to post.

 

Last night I had good sex with my H. No thoughts of xAP. This morning I woke up with that feeling you have when you know you have just had sex as opposed to making love.

 

So nights with my H feel like passionate nights with an old friend I am comfortable with.

 

It throws me off my day after, because I don't actually want to have sex on those terms, though I may feel horny enough and close enough at the time. Friends with benefits?

 

I really think this is my future too, a M of friends with benefits.

 

Is that setling, or is that M?

[RedDevil66]

That is M in most cases. Trying to keep passion alive with the same person works if the relationship is volatile and there is always that "make up" sex.

 

That's just life..........probably why many men cheat (I would think)

[ladydesigner]

Passion vs in love

I have been careful here on LS recently to not post to the heart of the issue for me. Reasons? Maybe I don;t want to bore people. But things have moved on enough to post this, and I don't find it easy to post.

 

Last night I had good sex with my H. No thoughts of xAP. This morning I woke up with that feeling you have when you know you have just had sex as opposed to making love.

 

So nights with my H feel like passionate nights with an old friend I am comfortable with.

 

It throws me off my day after, because I don't actually want to have sex on those terms, though I may feel horny enough and close enough at the time. Friends with benefits?

 

I really think this is my future too, a M of friends with benefits.

 

Is that setling, or is that M?

 

This is my M as well. We have good sex when we have it, but I am completely emotionally detached.

[wheelwright]

This is my M as well. We have good sex when we have it, but I am completely emotionally detached.

 

And you can be happy with that? I just don't get things. I know my life is good, but don't you feel like a liar? Is this a big deal for you? It is for me.

[Fouts]

A happy marriage is a combination of many different attributes. It's extremely (and I'm understating extremely) rare to find a couple that has fulfilled them all. What's your priorities from a husband? Trust? Honesty? Dependability? The ability to provide and protect? A great father? Someone who values you and treats you with respect? A best friend?

 

Wouldn't it be great to have all of these things AND want to totally consume each other sexually every night? It's a hard order to fill, especially when you have two people wanting such incredible qualities from each other.

 

Do the best you can and put your priorities in order before you say I do.

[ladydesigner]

And you can be happy with that? I just don't get things. I know my life is good, but don't you feel like a liar? Is this a big deal for you? It is for me.

 

I do feel like a liar and am a liar for the most part. I do still love my H. It is a big deal for me and have contemplated D, but then I think of the kids and the fact that I still love my H. I just do not feel a powerful passionate kind of love for him. I never have. I don't think I have the same chemistry with my H that I had with my XOM. I also know that my XOM would not have been an ideal person to have a long-term relationship with.

[wheelwright]

A happy marriage is a combination of many different attributes. It's extremely (and I'm understating extremely) rare to find a couple that has fulfilled them all. What's your priorities from a husband? Trust? Honesty? Dependability? The ability to provide and protect? A great father? Someone who values you and treats you with respect? A best friend?

 

Wouldn't it be great to have all of these things AND want to totally consume each other sexually every night? It's a hard order to fill, especially when you have two people wanting such incredible qualities from each other.

 

Do the best you can and put your priorities in order before you say I do.

 

What a lovely and wise post. My life would be easy if I had followed your ideas.

 

I don't need extra passion though - me and my H luckily have that - but the waking up in the morning knowing it was more than a ONS with a best friend. Cos that's what it feels like.

[Yamaha]

Trying to keep passion alive with the same person works if the relationship is volatile and there is always that "make up" sex.

 

I know people in this type of relationship. Doesn't the roller coaster emotions and fighting just wear you down over time?

 

Some people think you have to have this type of relationship to keep the passion but in a M I would think you both would just become emotionally exhausted.

[BB07]

I think that in most long standing relationships that passion fades and yes sometimes the sex us ho hum, but yet there is a lot to be said for feeling loved, secure and really knowing someone. If you once had passion for this man, perhaps you can find it again by doing things other than the norm.

 

In some ways it's a trade off, but yet isn't a lot of things?

[xxoo]

I have been careful here on LS recently to not post to the heart of the issue for me. Reasons? Maybe I don;t want to bore people. But things have moved on enough to post this, and I don't find it easy to post.

 

Last night I had good sex with my H. No thoughts of xAP. This morning I woke up with that feeling you have when you know you have just had sex as opposed to making love.

 

So nights with my H feel like passionate nights with an old friend I am comfortable with.

 

It throws me off my day after, because I don't actually want to have sex on those terms, though I may feel horny enough and close enough at the time. Friends with benefits?

 

I really think this is my future too, a M of friends with benefits.

 

Is that setling, or is that M?

 

I think what you are decribing is unusual for marriage, because most married women describe the opposite: sex with love, but no passion.

 

Are you not in love with your husband? Do you crave more romance in the relationship?

 

There is often a "grass is greener" phenomenon in relationships, where those with steady love miss the passion, and those with passion want secure love.

 

Frankly, passionate best-friend sex sounds pretty awesome to me! lol I would say that my M is a bit like that, because I don't closely relate sex to love (unlike most women, from what I gather). I show my love for my partner in other ways, but my head isn't in a place of love in the bedroom.

[OWoman]

That is M in most cases. Trying to keep passion alive with the same person works if the relationship is volatile and there is always that "make up" sex.

 

I outgrew volatile Rs in my teens, and I don't think that passion is linked to volatility. My H and I have never had an argument in the more than five years we've been together, yet the passion is still as strong as it ever was. The only difference is - the intimacy is greater. Instead of having a great shag, that level of intimacy drags it into lovemaking every time - no matter how steamy, how lustful, how animal the passion.

 

WW what you're describing is not a lack of passion, but a lack of connection - a lack of intimacy, perhaps? As though, despite not thinking about your fAP, his ghost still fills the room, subtly, preventing that full-on connection?

[crazycatlady]

I do not equal love and sex same as xxoo, and I also have sex like you describe with your H. Very passionate sex, but not so much loving. However we also make love. And it is different, it feels different, the acts might be similar but maybe subtly different. There are some things that we do at that time that if they aren't there, I don't feel the love.

 

Could this be the same with you? He must cup my face, to hold my face still while he kisses me. He needs to be looking into my eyes, we almost breath together. Its almost always a missionary position because that is how I feel the most charished, protected, safe, that's he's going to take care of me.

 

So could it be something like that that you haven't thought about before?

 

I also don't mind having just passionate sex. However without enough love sex, the passionate sex .... its weird, but I start feeling selfish after a while. I stop wanting to do the things I know he really enjoys in bed. So I need a balance between the two types. And I need the frequency to be fairly high for sex in general. If we aren't having a lot of sex - like only once a week - then I want the other over passion, but its not a good thing to go like that for long. At least not for us. Love is great, but passion is also important. So be pleased you still have one, I think as long as one there you can bring back the other.

 

CCL

[OWoman]

Its almost always a missionary position because that is how I feel the most charished, protected, safe, that's he's going to take care of me.

 

Funny - my H said something similar - about feeling the deepest connection in that position, because he can look most fully and deeply into my eyes, and connect most intimately with WHO he's making love with, rather than focussing on the physical aspects of the sexual encounter.

[RedDevil66]

I know people in this type of relationship. Doesn't the roller coaster emotions and fighting just wear you down over time?

 

Some people think you have to have this type of relationship to keep the passion but in a M I would think you both would just become emotionally exhausted.

 

I'm guessing it must. I've never had that sort of relationship though

[BB07]

He must cup my face, to hold my face still while he kisses me. He needs to be looking into my eyes, we almost breath together. Its almost always a missionary position because that is how I feel the most charished, protected, safe, that's he's going to take care of me.

CCL

 

 

Thumbs up CatLady, that description is awesome. I can so relate.

[Brokenlady]

I read somewhere that there were brain-scan studies of couples, and only 10% of couples maintained that super-passionate loving feeling for each other after 10 years. It IS possible, but rare. I don't think a goal of being super-happy all the time is realistic, but I think it is good to be moderately happy most of the time. Can you say that about your situation?

[pureinheart]

I do not equal love and sex same as xxoo, and I also have sex like you describe with your H. Very passionate sex, but not so much loving. However we also make love. And it is different, it feels different, the acts might be similar but maybe subtly different. There are some things that we do at that time that if they aren't there, I don't feel the love.

 

Could this be the same with you? He must cup my face, to hold my face still while he kisses me. He needs to be looking into my eyes, we almost breath together. Its almost always a missionary position because that is how I feel the most charished, protected, safe, that's he's going to take care of me.

 

So could it be something like that that you haven't thought about before?

 

I also don't mind having just passionate sex. However without enough love sex, the passionate sex .... its weird, but I start feeling selfish after a while. I stop wanting to do the things I know he really enjoys in bed. So I need a balance between the two types. And I need the frequency to be fairly high for sex in general. If we aren't having a lot of sex - like only once a week - then I want the other over passion, but its not a good thing to go like that for long. At least not for us. Love is great, but passion is also important. So be pleased you still have one, I think as long as one there you can bring back the other.

 

CCL

 

What I have in bold speaks volumns...that sort of "language" IS LOVE in the most purest form. My daughters dad loved me that way...you can tell a person is hiding something or doesnot love anymore if they cannot look you in the eyes and have eye contact.

 

That is how I knew it was over with exDM, neither of us were able to look the other in the eyes.

[wheelwright]

I do not equal love and sex same as xxoo, and I also have sex like you describe with your H. Very passionate sex, but not so much loving. However we also make love. And it is different, it feels different, the acts might be similar but maybe subtly different. There are some things that we do at that time that if they aren't there, I don't feel the love.

 

Could this be the same with you? He must cup my face, to hold my face still while he kisses me. He needs to be looking into my eyes, we almost breath together. Its almost always a missionary position because that is how I feel the most charished, protected, safe, that's he's going to take care of me.

 

So could it be something like that that you haven't thought about before?

 

I also don't mind having just passionate sex. However without enough love sex, the passionate sex .... its weird, but I start feeling selfish after a while. I stop wanting to do the things I know he really enjoys in bed. So I need a balance between the two types. And I need the frequency to be fairly high for sex in general. If we aren't having a lot of sex - like only once a week - then I want the other over passion, but its not a good thing to go like that for long. At least not for us. Love is great, but passion is also important. So be pleased you still have one, I think as long as one there you can bring back the other.

 

CCL

 

Thanks CCL for this honest and insightful post. I think I have that kind of selfishness you describe due to lack of love sex.

 

I find it helpful to think about it like that - love sex vs passion sex. I think it is also possible to have joyful/blissful sex, which might be a combination of the two.

 

I don't think I can stick at a R with just the passion kind - so it's helpful to have these points to consider about what needs to be brought in to make me feel happier/more at peace.

[pureinheart]

I have been careful here on LS recently to not post to the heart of the issue for me. Reasons? Maybe I don;t want to bore people. But things have moved on enough to post this, and I don't find it easy to post.

 

Last night I had good sex with my H. No thoughts of xAP. This morning I woke up with that feeling you have when you know you have just had sex as opposed to making love.

 

So nights with my H feel like passionate nights with an old friend I am comfortable with.

 

It throws me off my day after, because I don't actually want to have sex on those terms, though I may feel horny enough and close enough at the time. Friends with benefits?

 

I really think this is my future too, a M of friends with benefits.

 

Is that setling, or is that M?

 

Hi WW...I think OWoman hit it right on the nail....this is an EXCELLENT post BTW...wow most of the threads are hitting all angles...this is wonderful.

[crazycatlady]

What I have in bold speaks volumns...that sort of "language" IS LOVE in the most purest form. My daughters dad loved me that way...you can tell a person is hiding something or doesnot love anymore if they cannot look you in the eyes and have eye contact.

 

That is how I knew it was over with exDM, neither of us were able to look the other in the eyes.

 

That is very true, and part of why I snooped in the first place. Because we have this look we use to share that OMG it was like making love in a look. Very hot. I hadn't seen that look in a while, coupled with some other things that didn't add up and that gut feeling. But I think the guilt is really the factor there.

 

I had decided not to confront, but am starting to change my mind if I can get my nerve up for that very reason. I want that look back. That look is almost better then foreplay sometimes.

 

We still make love that way, and he still invokes those feelings me in that love sex brings, and I don't think that would happen without it being on both sides. Its intangible but so there. Which just reinforces me feeling that its guilt and not lack of love, but hey I could be wrong.

 

Wheel - I think I understand what you are saying. I've had passionate sex with others, and I've had love sex with others. Together its worth the work that a ltr entails. I'm not sure if one or the other is worth the work. But that's just my opinion.

 

CCL

[Crazyforhim]

He must cup my face, to hold my face still while he kisses me. He needs to be looking into my eyes, we almost breath together. Its almost always a missionary position because that is how I feel the most charished, protected, safe, that's he's going to take care of me.

 

CCL

 

CCL - this is a great post and so accurately describes physical and emotional chemistry at its highest level.

 

When MM and I make love, we have this visual connection that is so intense. It's like the world just stands still and all we want is to take each other in and not break the eye contact. This is something that he nor I never experienced with anyone else. After experiencing this level of love and physical intimacy, I was never able to fully connect emotionally with my H again.

[Chingaling]

CCL - this is a great post and so accurately describes physical and emotional chemistry at its highest level.

 

When MM and I make love, we have this visual connection that is so intense. It's like the world just stands still and all we want is to take each other in and not break the eye contact. This is something that he nor I never experienced with anyone else. After experiencing this level of love and physical intimacy, I was never able to fully connect emotionally with my H again.

 

Just chiming in here and agreeing completely - the "in love" kind of sex teamed with passion is breathtaking and unforgettable. The connection and the intimacy is incredible - it can ruin you for anything or anybody else... When OM/MM/LDR and I were first together it was like that. I never found it again, even with my H. When MM and I finally re-connected, nothing had changed, even after all those years. For me, he was the first person I had been with except my H since before I was married. He, on the other hand had experienced a lot more during the time we were apart and had more to compare the experience to. He said he just couldn't believe the way that we melted into each other...we are both hooked. No way could I go back to sex with my H after that - although we hadn't had sex for about 18 months before (and haven't since). His marriage broke up a few months later - his decision and no involvement on my part - the relationship had been disinigrating for some time, and I think he realized then how unhappy he was with her.

 

I am generally a fairly private person - I don't share a lot of my innermost feelings with anybody - but with him I have been learning over the past few months to bare my soul, and the intimacy (as mature adults) between us is incredble. I know that my feelings for OM leave me open to hearbreak, but once they surfaced, there was no holding them back.

[wheelwright]

WW what you're describing is not a lack of passion, but a lack of connection - a lack of intimacy, perhaps? As though, despite not thinking about your fAP, his ghost still fills the room, subtly, preventing that full-on connection?

 

Quite scarily possible. I try not to think about it. But the connection had gone before the A, well before, and much to my grief.

 

And yes, it's the intimacy, there but very mild, which lacks.

[Got it]

wheelwright, I think the most important question is do YOU think it is settling? What do you want out of your relationship with your husband? what are your needs? What are your boundaries?

 

And I do question, as you seem to be so raw from your separation with your xMM, as another poster commented, is the ghost of him causing that disconnect?

 

I felt similar to my ex husband. We were great friends! Great friends! But we never had any passion after the first few months. But it was a relationship that we both needed at that point in our lives. And it was very fullfilling for a long time. But it got to a point where it became settling for me. That I knew I needed more and I knew he deserved more. I knew that he deserved a woman that loved him for him and not one that was fond of him but settling. I loved him, but hadn't been in love with him for a long time.

 

What do you want out of life? What do you need to be happy and how can you make that happen?

 

It isn't settling if you accept and it and it fullfills you. It is settling if you can't accept it but are afraid to do anything else.

[Fallen Angel]

Wheel,

 

My question to you is this.. will what you have now, be enough to sustain you for a lifetime?

 

The thread seems to be focusing on sex, but I think that what you are feeling has very little to do with the sex act, and much more to do with the connection of your heart.

 

All marriages are NOT like that, though many are. It is up to each couple to decide when/if their marriage gets to that point, if it is something they can live with. For some, the 'comfort' of what is known is enough. For others it never will be.

 

I am sorry you are feeling like this. My sister just confided to me last night that she is in the same place as what you describe, and she asked me for my opinion. I am telling you what I told her, "Love yourself the most. When you do that, the answer will be evident...." ((hugs to you))