Hoping Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Lost_in_Chicago: Excellent post in KitWalker's thread about the no-contact rule. But I have a question (for you or anyone): How does the rule work when one of the problems in the relationship was that I was too distracted by my work and she feels I didn't want to be with her enough. I worry that no contact will just reinforce that I'm not there for her. She broke up with me about 2-1/2 months ago. She seems to find a reason to have some kind of contact (phone call, e-mail) every two weeks, usually about something specific. I have always responded immediately. But now I'm trying no contact. For example, she sent a holiday card and I didn't respond. She recently called to find out if I was going to a party she's organizing in honor of a mutual friend. She said she was worried that not many people had RSVP'd. I don't know if that was the real reason or if she wants to know if I'm going. Why call me about the fact that few people have gotten back to her? (I'm not going to the party -- we haven't seen each other since the breakup and I can't handle seeing her in that context, around a bunch of people.) I e-mailed the honoree and said I won't be there; the honoree will most likely tell my ex. I don't plan to call back my ex. But as I say, I worry that this will reinforce her feeling that I'm not there for her. I really feel I need to stick with the no contact. It may be as you say, Lost: "Keeping her at a distance lets her continue to lower the walls until eventually she is trying hard to get you back." I'm hoping she gets to wondering why I didn't return her call and she calls me again (in another two weeks?). What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 I think you've got this a bit wrong. No contact rule is to protect you from being a complete pest to your ex when "they" have stated that they don't want you to contact them. It isn't for you to impose when your ex clearly "does" want contact with you. You are completely correct. If you ignore her, she will have her original "break-up thoughts" of you re-inforced. Why don't you go to the party? Or, why not invite her out for a drink or dinner? You two need to talk and see if you can guage her feelings for you. If positive, you need to talk and take it from there. Don't screw up again, IF she gives you a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Hoping read the rest of it: If she asks to try again, and you still want to then do it. But slowly. Letting her in too easily may give her the illusion that she can just come back on her terms and take what she wants when she wants. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let her into your world, but not have control of it. If she is going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not her terms and not yours. Keeping her at a distance doesn't mean not talking at all. Just don't try to dive all the way in right away. Keep things in the kiddie pool until you are sure the water is warm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping Posted January 11, 2004 Author Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hey, InLoKo and Lost: Many thanks for your replies/advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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