look forward Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Ok I dont know if i am coming or going at the moment so could really use some advise... never done this before so here goes oh and sorry if its a bit long!!! I have been with my partner well now my ex bf for nearlly 9 years we met when i was 15 and he was 17 our relationship has seen many twists and turns including me going to university, where he had to travel to come and see me to the fact that we are a mixed raced couple not that it should matter but sometimes it was an issue.. anyway we seemed to have a chemistry from that start that has never died even to this day i look at him and he gives me butterflies in my stomach.. anway our main problems started when i finished university he had bought his own flat and wanted me to move in with him.. now i loved him dearly he was and still is amazing but at the time i just wasn't ready i know we had been together 6 years but i felt i was too young... i had all my single girlfriends that would talk of travelling and so forth and i was wonder what it would be like.. I never once thought of splitting up with him in fact we had both talked about marriage, babies etc and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives togther...but i was just scared and felt i was too young...I just thought whats the rush we have our whole lives together... anyways another problem of our was that we argued alot about nothing inparticular just silly rows.. i also wanted us to stop all this before we lived together but seeing as we had grown up together it was difficult to break out of the mould.. anyway my partner joined the piolice force in this time and I started to notice differnces about his character i encouraged him to have fun with teh guys and stuff but soon he was going out and seeing them more than me and eventually started giving me the i need time on my own speech.. i couldn't believe it after all this time together he wanted to walk away.. he said he needed to know what life was like without me.. as you can imagine i was devasted... i enforced the no contact rule on my own merit and when i left his flat that night after we broke up i ignored his calls, changed my number in fact and cut all ties it was the only way i could deal with it.. it tore me apart we always had such a special bond i couldn;t believe he had severed it.. 2 months after we split i found out that he was seeing a fellow police officer and things started to make sense... i lost 2 stone in the split and even was put onto anti depressents for a few months.. but slowly started to re-build my life without him.. i even dated and met someone else..all the while i felt like i was going thourgh the motions i wasn't really happy and so ended things with the new guy... 11 months later my ex contacts me via e-mail he had stopped trying months ago and for soem reason i was compelled to respond... we ended up meeting up for a drink.. i thought to myself this will be closier i'll meet him and have no feelings for him whatsoever.. boy was i wrong i loved him more than i did when i was 15.. after one too many vodkas.. he burst into tears and told me what a huge mistake he had made letting me go ..but that he felt our relationship was going nowhere as i refused to live with him and he thought that after nearlly nine years together it just wasn't gonna happen with me.. he didn't even think i would be that bothered at the split and that i would be happy doing all the things that my friends were doing... and that he should never have gone out with the police officer woman who he had split up with a few months back an that he never stopped loving me well i also confessed that i loved him right back and that I was sorry for my part but that we were both young and i was very confused at the time we clearly needed to communicate to each other more.. anyway we got back together and i was a little scared but it felt so right we would laugh and joke and was always affectionate.. but i also noticed that he was very emotional around me he would break down and cry so many times and say how sorry he was for the pain that he caused me.. and that I should not still love him after everything he has put me through.. i thought this would pass but it just got worse.. in the end he told me that he was feeling suidical and didn't think it was fair on me to carry on i couldn't believe it.. he was pushing me away again.. he has currently been put on anti depressents and is counselling.. the thing is everytime he sees me he becomes a wreck and cries uncontrollably so I am having to leave me alone.. i dont know what to do he is so wrapped up in his own guilt he is tourtoring himself and there is nothing i can do.. no matter what i say it just doesn't seem to help.. what shall i do i have told him that i am here for him but he cant even talk to me without crying...i love him so much and want to be with him so much its awful any advise would be greatly appreciated.. so sorry its long guys!!! 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Goatsbreath Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Well, hopefully someone else reads your post and responds because Im not really sure what you should do. It sounds like a real tuff situation to be in. I guess If I loved this person and they loved me in return I would sit down with them and say listen, "We have had some tuff times agreed but here we are. We can either sit and dwell in the past or we can push forward and find a place of new happiness." Well something along those lines. I mean bottom line is that if the relationship is going to work he needs to offer his apology, you need to accept, and he needs accept that you accept. Got it! ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 To me, it sounds like he is on the verge of a breakdown. Is he still at work and is he getting counselling from work or outside? He's in a difficult position because if he has a breakdown at work, there are much wider implications (plus his career will be affected). Can you answer these questions? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 I don't like it. I don't trust it. It's not good. It sounds so great, that you never stopped loving him, you played your cards right, and now he's coming back. This is probably hard for you, so I wouldn't blame you if you totally ignored me, but I feel like I need to say what I feel: His emotional health has declined, and he's using you to fix himself. I wouldn't oblige, it's going to hurt both of you. It's his breakdown, you're being sucked in. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 He clearly is in quite a bit of trouble. Is his therapist aware that he is still reacting that strongly? It may be that you have to stand aside until he is better able to deal with your presence. I'm sure your support means a great deal to him. I hope very much that he'll be able to regain his mental well-being soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 quote:Originally posted by dyermaker His emotional health has declined, and he's using you to fix himself. I see nothing wrong with this statement. Perhaps he is at a emotional low and is seeking something familiar. I mean, theres a million different reasons that could make this statement true. Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Back to the original subject... LookForward, have you told him you FORGIVE him for everything he did? He definitely was the one who was wrong in the whole situation, and he obviously knows this. He definitely has some emotional problems that probably need to be addressed professionally, as the others have said. However, if you truly forgive him, and tell him that, and more importantly show it, it probably helps. It sounds like you are doing that, but look into yourself and your actions to make sure you haven't done anything to make him doubt your forgiveness. Your situation sounds exactly like mine up to the break-up part. I find myself wondering what I would do in your situation if my ex ever comes back and has those same feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author look forward Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 All your comments have been really helpful in response to Marty.. I have told him till i'm blue in the face.. that I've fogiven him.. I've even told him that I have taken part responsibility for everything that happened as I never looked at it from his position.. if i had been asking him to move in with me for 2 years i would probably think he wasn't interested either and look elsewhere.. even though I dont agree with what he did I understand it you know and I have said that to him.. he may have been unsure about how i felt a year ago but he certainly knows now....It kills me that he is tourturing himself like this and wont let me help him.. he says he has done enough hurt to me and that he doesn;t deserve my help its almost like he has convinced himself he is not worthy of me even though he loves me.. I am not sure if that is just the depression talking does any of you guys know??? Its a complete nightmare I went round there last week because I was so worried about him and as soon as he saw me he broke down.. so now i think i should stay away until he comes to me but that is so hard as he needs all the help he can get right now surely.. i swear i'm losing my marbles... Link to post Share on other sites
Author look forward Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 Sorry Inloko in response to your questions.. I agree he is having a some sort of a breakdown.. he was always very sensitive and let things get to him and I think this has all pushed him over the edge... plus i know he is not happy at work... he told me on several occaions that he wanted to run away from everything and I just thought he was being a little dramatic and that it would pass.. arrghhhh what a nightmare... And no his job doesn't know he going through counselling privately he needs to keep it togther or it will affect him big time..luckily he is based in an office at the moment so i dont think anyone has noticed although a few people have seen him in tears he told me.. I think where he is based now he has too much time on his hands to think and it all adds to it.. i;ve even suggested that maybe he transfer to a different department where is busier and wont have the time to sit and dwell on whats happened... Link to post Share on other sites
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