After 10 years she is still checking....

[blair08]

I have a friend that I've known for along time. She has been married for about 14 years. 10 years ago her husband cheated on her one time with his ex girlfriend.

 

She forgave him and they worked on saving their marriage through MC. They are still together and seem happy. However, she says she fully trusts him and since being cheated on it has been hard to trust again but she has learned to trust him again over the years.

 

She has also stated she has no reason to believe that he is doing this again. HOWEVER, she tells me she still checks his emails, cell phone etc. But she tells me she trusts him and has no reason to think other wise.

 

I don't get this. If she trusts him, and feels he isn't doing anything, why would she continue to do this? How in one breath can you say your marriage is happy, things are great, and she trusts him and believes nothing else is going on but she still checks up on him? She tells me she finds nothing when she checks, but she still does it from time to time. When I ask her why she does it still, she says just to be doing it, but she trusts him.

 

Personally, if it were me, I don't think I could live like that, feeling the need to check up. If it had just happened and they were in recovery and trying to work on things and that doubt was still there, I could understand it more, but its been 10 years.

 

Has anyone that has been cheated on before, and worked things out with your spouse ever continued to check up on your spouse, while confessing that you trust them? Sorry, I just don't understand this.

[2sure]

When we were in MC , we were both told to give up each other's passwords etc. AND to check each others communications occasionally just to keep that open and transparent flow in the marriage. The idea being that transparency does not cause marriage problems , its privacy that does that.

 

If she gets comfort from checking up on him, I wouldnt assume it means she doesnt really trust him. It may be more like she feels solid being able to - right back to that open and transparency theory.

 

I would think it isnt important that he necessarily know each time she checks, but he should know she has the ability and is free to use it.

 

Its a good idea in any marriage. It does not need to be coupled with trust and respect. For marriages that have suffered through the crisis of infidelity its more important. Infidelity changes you and changes the marriage regardless of the outcome. Its not a good or bad change..but its a change.

[blair08]

When we were in MC , we were both told to give up each other's passwords etc. AND to check each others communications occasionally just to keep that open and transparent flow in the marriage. The idea being that transparency does not cause marriage problems , its privacy that does that.

 

If she gets comfort from checking up on him, I wouldnt assume it means she doesnt really trust him. It may be more like she feels solid being able to - right back to that open and transparency theory.

 

I would think it isnt important that he necessarily know each time she checks, but he should know she has the ability and is free to use it.

 

Its a good idea in any marriage. It does not need to be coupled with trust and respect. For marriages that have suffered through the crisis of infidelity its more important. Infidelity changes you and changes the marriage regardless of the outcome. Its not a good or bad change..but its a change.

 

 

This makes sense. It was just kind of weird and it didn't make much sense at the time, that to me she was doing to opposite of what she said. "I trust him and believe he is doing nothing but BUT yet I still check". I mean that is kind of odd, but now that you put it like that I guess I see.

 

She did say he knows, so its not like she is doing it on the sly. She did say she doesn't do it front of him though. Mostly when he is at work or something. And yes, if it makes her feel better or puts her mind at ease then that's fine.

[2sure]

Eh, its just an idea I learned in MC that I thought made sense and that had not occurred to me before. If I were to have another relationship , I would bring this into it just as a matter of having a healthy relationship.

 

I dont check up on my H anymore because I just dont care.

[PandorasBox]

This is JMO, but I don't buy it. She can tell you all day long she trusts him but her actions show different. If this had just happened or even a year or two into after it happened and they were in affair recovery, I could understand her checking up, But not 10 years later. There is obviously still some trust issues there, and yes if it makes her feel better to do it and puts her mind at ease, fine, but 10 years later, to me its like she is looking for something to find, but yet she keeps coming up empty handed. Anyway, even if he knows this, I wonder if he feels like he still under a microscope, after all these years, and still feeling like a part of him has to continue to pay the price by her checking just because it makes her feel better. Perhaps it would make him feel better if he felt like he was trusted some.

[JackJack]

"She says she fully trusts him."

 

"She says she has no reason to believe he is doing this again."

 

 

If this were the case, 10 years later, she shouldn't still feel the need to check up then. If after 10 years she still doesn't have some kind of peace of mind over the issue then maybe it needs to be addressed again.