Mother-Daughter Drama

[cashew]

I'm 23. I live alone. I've been in a long term relationship for a few years. We've been long distance for a month. Last week I visited him.

 

My mother (and sister, her bff) is furious that I didn't tell her I was visiting him earlier. She wants to know how I could travel without letting her know in advance. Why am I isolating myself from my family and friends? (She's never met any of my friends. She never will. She acts nastily on purpose. I'm embarrassed that my own mother doesn't like me.) Will he marry me? Etc.? She called him and asked him these questions.

 

My mother never has anything nice to say to me or about me. When I first met my bf she asked me what he could possibly see in me. She told me she'd "expose me" to him one day. When she spoke to my bf on the phone, she even said, "You've been together for a while. Obviously, you can tolerate her."

 

I've never been close to my mother. My sister is her partner in crime. After all these years, why would they care about what I've been up to?

 

What's really going on here? What did I do wrong?

[cashew]

My mother (and sister, her bff) is furious that I didn't tell her I was visiting him earlier. She wants to know how I could travel without letting her know in advance. Why am I isolating myself from my family and friends? (She's never met any of my friends. She never will. She acts nastily on purpose. I'm embarrassed that my own mother doesn't like me.) Will he marry me? Etc.? She called him and asked him these questions.

 

The other side...

 

"I was informed [by my sister] that you plan on following your boyfriend out to [different state] for a change of environment and to "take courses". Let me say in no uncertain words that you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. You may never rebound from this or the setback will leave you beaten and bitter to the extent that you could never recover. [The boyfriend] and you may talk about you completing your education [in a different state], but is this a reality, a dream or a handly catch phrase to keep negative speculation away? You had difficulty completing [college] with his presence, so what gives you the idea that he will push you to finish [in a different state]?"

 

"To make a long story short. I feel you are on a path to heartbreak, despair, and destruction. You are spiraling down and will have a hard fall. YOU DON'T LISTEN, AND ALWAYS HAD TROUBLE LISTENING TO ME AND THOSE WHO HAVE HAD YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART!!!!!"

 

"I took the liberty to call [the boyfriend] yesterday to hear from him what were his intentions toward you. To put it bluntly. I found [the boyfriend] to be direct, defensive, confrontational and rude! I am calling him with respect as a concerned parent and was dismissed off the phone due to a "meeting" he had to attend."

 

"I feel you are in big trouble. [The boyfriend] is controlling, appears angry, hostile and may be depressed. I don't know his true intentions. He is not long on words. His inability to express himself, leaves me concerned. I am a good judge of character, and I know anyone who has your best interest at heart, would not separate you from your family, or your supportive enviornment by having you travel to [a different state] to live, discourage you in regards to your education ( finishing college which you can complete in 4 years to streching this out to 5 years for his benefit)."

 

"I feel [the boyfriend] is self centered, arrogant, narcissistic and may be depressed. He is ripe to be psychologically, verbally and physically abusive toward you. I feel you just don't know the signs, are immature, naive, depressed yourself, stubborn, arrogant and is headed for trouble."

 

Can anyone here tell me what's going on?

 

Also, does anyone have any advice about where to go from here?

[whichwayisup]

Go on with your life as you've been doing so far. Exclude your mom and sister, they are unbalanced it seems and have issues.

 

Who cares what they think. It's YOUR LIFE and your decision to do whatever you please. You don't live with them..

 

Knowledge is power.. The less they know about you and what's going on in your life, the better. There's no need to tell them anything of importance.

 

Sorry that you are going through this..Just know it's THEM and not you. YOU are fine. You're strong, and independant.

 

Tell your boyfriend your family is whacked and to ignore them.

[Eve]

The other side...

 

"I was informed [by my sister] that you plan on following your boyfriend out to [different state] for a change of environment and to "take courses". Let me say in no uncertain words that you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. You may never rebound from this or the setback will leave you beaten and bitter to the extent that you could never recover. [The boyfriend] and you may talk about you completing your education [in a different state], but is this a reality, a dream or a handly catch phrase to keep negative speculation away? You had difficulty completing [college] with his presence, so what gives you the idea that he will push you to finish [in a different state]?"

 

"To make a long story short. I feel you are on a path to heartbreak, despair, and destruction. You are spiraling down and will have a hard fall. YOU DON'T LISTEN, AND ALWAYS HAD TROUBLE LISTENING TO ME AND THOSE WHO HAVE HAD YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART!!!!!"

 

"I took the liberty to call [the boyfriend] yesterday to hear from him what were his intentions toward you. To put it bluntly. I found [the boyfriend] to be direct, defensive, confrontational and rude! I am calling him with respect as a concerned parent and was dismissed off the phone due to a "meeting" he had to attend."

 

"I feel you are in big trouble. [The boyfriend] is controlling, appears angry, hostile and may be depressed. I don't know his true intentions. He is not long on words. His inability to express himself, leaves me concerned. I am a good judge of character, and I know anyone who has your best interest at heart, would not separate you from your family, or your supportive enviornment by having you travel to [a different state] to live, discourage you in regards to your education ( finishing college which you can complete in 4 years to streching this out to 5 years for his benefit)."

 

"I feel [the boyfriend] is self centered, arrogant, narcissistic and may be depressed. He is ripe to be psychologically, verbally and physically abusive toward you. I feel you just don't know the signs, are immature, naive, depressed yourself, stubborn, arrogant and is headed for trouble."

 

Can anyone here tell me what's going on?

 

Also, does anyone have any advice about where to go from here?

 

VERY interesting perspective Cashew..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[2sure]

It is never bad advice to tell someone to put their education way way way ahead of a relationship.

 

But your Mom & sister sound like just too much.

Finish school where you are, then pursue the relationship and move if you are able....leave them behind and deal with them only when you want.

[cashew]

VERY interesting perspective Cashew..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

How so?

 

I TOTALLY understand that parents can often see what we can't! I don't feel that my mom is one of those parents. She's absolutely right that I don't listen to or trust her. I'm just wondering why she's surprised... (given our history...)

 

My mother's concerns about my boyfriend are unfounded. He's very laid back. He's very patient. If anything, I can be controlling and abusive. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...)

 

Most of her letter is full of untruths! I simply believe I'm too independent-minded for her tastes. I was considered to be a boring "good kid." I graduated at the top of my class in high school. I went on to attend one of the best colleges in the country. It was not the best fit for me though. (My mom suggested the college. I mostly did what my mother told me in high school.) I finished in the fall instead of the spring of my intended graduation year-four months later. She likes to think I took longer to be closer to my bf, use her for her money, etc. My sister's taking a year more to finish college and my mother doesn't mind perhaps because my sister is following in her professional footsteps...

[cashew]

It is never bad advice to tell someone to put their education way way way ahead of a relationship.

 

But your Mom & sister sound like just too much.

Finish school where you are, then pursue the relationship and move if you are able....leave them behind and deal with them only when you want.

 

I agree.

 

I "stopped school" when I graduated from college. She's always wanted me to be a lawyer. She thinks I'm not in law school because I'm "distracted by a man."