My ex was a good guy

[unsaved]

How do I get over someone who actually treated me well and was a good guy? We were arguing and fighting toward the end (because of my insecurities and kept getting mad at him for dumb stuff) and HE was the one who broke up with me b/c we were fighting too much. Probably a smart move on his part. That was 1 month ago. Have been NC for 2 weeks now. How do I let go of someone that was such a good guy. I can't bring myself to hate him or say that he "wasn't right" for me b/c i think he he WAS right for me. I just f'd it all up by picking dumb fights. I know I have to move on and I'm doing my best. But, it's hard to mentally let a good catch go.

[sean1970]

How do I get over someone who actually treated me well and was a good guy? We were arguing and fighting toward the end (because of my insecurities and kept getting mad at him for dumb stuff) and HE was the one who broke up with me b/c we were fighting too much. Probably a smart move on his part. That was 1 month ago. Have been NC for 2 weeks now. How do I let go of someone that was such a good guy. I can't bring myself to hate him or say that he "wasn't right" for me b/c i think he he WAS right for me. I just f'd it all up by picking dumb fights. I know I have to move on and I'm doing my best. But, it's hard to mentally let a good catch go.

 

There are many here that feel like you (raises hand). My ex did ****ty things at the end but I don't consider her, by any means, a bad person. Just ask yourself, as honestly as you can, how much did I construct..? How much did I fabricate or excuse..? This has dual meaning...

 

Example...

 

Did I try to be someone who I was not... because I thought that is what he wanted me to be..?

 

If not, did I want him to be something he was not / could not be?

 

Honesty, with yourself, is important here... If in the end you did things you regret, why do you think you did them (attention fight, jealousy, etc.)?

 

While this relationship may be a casualty of that behavior, it is not a death sentence for being happy... You just need to identify and fix.

 

Tears for our last relationship, hopefully, irrigate the next.

Edited March 10, 2010 by sean1970

[Eeyore79]

Whatever you were getting mad at him for was probably justified, unless you're a complete nut. Ok, he hated that you had a go at him for some things... but honestly, were you justified in complaining about those things? If you were insecure, he was either doing things that made you insecure, or not doing things that would make you feel secure.

 

My ex used to hang out with his ex, and with attractive female friends, and he was entirely unreasonable about those friendships, so of course I felt insecure... my current bf doesn't do that. He didn't show me enough that he loved and cared about me, he didn;t spend enough time with me and make me feel important, and I've found out (by dating other guys) that when a guy does those things I automatically feel more secure. Yes, I felt insecure when I was with him, but it was hardly all my fault.

 

It all depends why you were picking on him, what about, and whether it was justified.

[unsaved]

I would get mad if he didn't call me at certain times, how he was on his phone constantly regarding his job, and other things like that. Looking back, I don't think it was justified of me though. I knew he had a demanding job. It's like I still wanted him to go unreasonably above and beyond to make me happy. So unfair of me. He tried so hard and told me he loved me so much and I still got mad. It's like I thought I was owed something b/c my last relationship before him was so terrible. So stupid. Ugh, I just wish I could go back in time. But I know I can't.

[monkeymaid]

unsaved. ...the more i read, the more i think you are my recent ex. (u are not though, as we broke up 10 days ago). that is a thought though!

 

damn i feel this pain. you know in your head what is happening, but for whatver reason, you couldnt change these little things. your heart is protecting itsefl based on past experiences and you cant logically control your emotions.

 

if it is any consolation (and you know both sides of this story now), he is hurting and thinking of you every day just as much as you are thinking of him. ...i promise. if you want to work it out, work on yourself, then reinitiate after some time and see what happens.

[Rearden Metal]

unsaved. ...the more i read, the more i think you are my recent ex. (u are not though, as we broke up 10 days ago). that is a thought though!

 

damn i feel this pain. you know in your head what is happening, but for whatver reason, you couldnt change these little things. your heart is protecting itsefl based on past experiences and you cant logically control your emotions.

 

if it is any consolation (and you know both sides of this story now), he is hurting and thinking of you every day just as much as you are thinking of him. ...i promise. if you want to work it out, work on yourself, then reinitiate after some time and see what happens.

 

Ditto... it seems to me that you and he have at the least a chance, unsaved. But that chance will NOT materialize if you don't really and truly heal yourself. You need to give yourself some space and time to regain your equilibrium.

 

Give it another month or so, see how you feel. Re-evaluate.

[HeavenOrHell]

I know how this feels, my ex was a good guy too, he left me after 18 years, said it was cos of neglect on my part, but think there must have been other reasons too, which he maybe didn't even realise himself, don't know.

There were no rows or anything, we still had love for each other, still extremely compatible. No arguing or cheating involved. I wanted him back badly.

I thought I would never move on, tried to be friends for 6 months, which I don't regret, wanted to try, but have been NC 5 weeks now, although bump into him sometimes. I have moved on hugely the last few weeks. We split 8 months ago. Thought I'd never be able to look at another guy or be interested, but lately that is not the case.

You don't need to hate him to be able to move on. You just have to accept that it's over, I told myself I don't want him if he doesn't want me, I have more respect than that.

I know how it feels hun, you'll get there

 

 

How do I get over someone who actually treated me well and was a good guy? We were arguing and fighting toward the end (because of my insecurities and kept getting mad at him for dumb stuff) and HE was the one who broke up with me b/c we were fighting too much. Probably a smart move on his part. That was 1 month ago. Have been NC for 2 weeks now. How do I let go of someone that was such a good guy. I can't bring myself to hate him or say that he "wasn't right" for me b/c i think he he WAS right for me. I just f'd it all up by picking dumb fights. I know I have to move on and I'm doing my best. But, it's hard to mentally let a good catch go.

[ADF]

I had a similar experience. I met a woman I loved to death who I left for reason that, looking back, made little sense. But it's too late to fix it now. The fact is if people live long enough, they end up having some regrets. There's really no way around it. Time will make the pain go away, sort of. But the best thing you can do is act differently with the next guy.

[carhill]

You are incompatible at this time. Two 'good' people can be incompatible. Learn from it and move on

[unsaved]

Thanks for the responses, all.

 

I just don't know what to think anymore. He was SO INTO ME (behaviorally) up until a few hours before he broke up with me. That day, I got mad about something stupid that turned into another argument/fight. Eventually, he just said he was done. It appeared that it came out of nowhere and impulsive. But we all know it never happens that way.

 

And since that time, i have made all the wrong moves. The night of the breakup, I drove down to see him at like 2 a.m. (where he took me in and slept with me (not sex) and held me the whole night and rubbed me and told me he loved me). Yet, the next day he still said he "didn't know" and "needed time." A few days later, I begged him and pleaded for him to tell me why and to give me another chance and I told him I know I have problems that I want to work on. He still said he was "unsure" but "didn't want to work on it right now." A week later or so, I wrote him an email asking for another shot sometime (which he never responded to.) Eventually through our last phone conversation, he told me to just move on with my life. Since day 1 of the breakup, he has seemed cold to me. I just cannot believe that he is hurting and thinking of me as you say. He is just done with me. I think that is what hurts the most. That someone was SO INTO ME (telling me he loves me through words AND behaviors) and is then so quickly just over it, or appears to be.

 

Even if he did have some remorse, he uses his job as his way to cope. Even after the breakup, he would EMPHASIZE to me how BUSY he was and how he really didn't have time to talk to me when I wanted answers about something. In such a cold way. I know he just drowns himself in that to get over it. It hurts. I just wish I had something to rid him from my thoughts too and get over him too.

 

I find myself searching and searching for reasons why he is done without wanting to give me another chance. I think he has someone else or at least has his eye on someone else. Or, maybe in his mind he grew to resent me or hate me and just wants nothing to do with me. Those are the only thing that seem to make sense at this point. THIS is where I'm stuck. On the WHY. But, I know I'll eventually have to get over not knowing why and will move on. It's just so hard.

 

Despite all this, I'm STILL using this time to better myself. I'm in counselling, i'm reading books on intimacy, and other things. I'm also just trying to spend more time with friends and family, just to help me cope anyway. But, I for some reason just know that it won't work out with him. He's done with me. I just wish to God that I could better myself and have a second chance with him. Just sad when I already had one in my grasps and let it get away. *sigh*

[GrayClouds]

You let go of him by reaching for a better you.

 

The bottom line is this is how you find peace with the end of a relationship.

 

It is life, it is yourself, telling you it is time to work on your insecurities, find out why they are there, understand where they come from and understand your patterns of behavior when they arrive. See if you trying to reinforce a negative belief about yourself. You will be better suited to understand if they are rational or irrational; are they a natural response to someones behavior or where you just looking for something to confirm irrational insecurity.

 

Then you have the opportunity to learn healthy, productive ways to address them, rather then unconscious emotional patterns that can be destructive.

[unsaved]

Monkey, what makes you think he is hurting and thinking about me as much as I am about him? Are you in a similar spot?

[2sure]

Ahh. He may have been a "right" guy for you, but NOT the you that you are at this time.

 

Each experience & relationship - regardless of the outcome teaches us a lot about life and ourselves. Sometimes, if you find a way to really embrace that...its enough.

[GrayClouds]

Monkey, what makes you think he is hurting and thinking about me as much as I am about him? Are you in a similar spot?

 

Stop looking for hope that makes you feel bad. Start doing the work you need to do:

 

You let go of him by reaching for a better you.

 

The bottom line is this is how you find peace with the end of a relationship.

 

It is life, it is yourself, telling you it is time to work on your insecurities, find out why they are there, understand where they come from and understand your patterns of behavior when they arrive. See if you trying to reinforce a negative belief about yourself. You will be better suited to understand if they are rational or irrational; are they a natural response to someones behavior or where you just looking for something to confirm irrational insecurity.

 

Then you have the opportunity to learn healthy, productive ways to address them, rather then unconscious emotional patterns that can be destructive.

 

Unless you do this work, even if he was to come back, you would likely repeat your mistakes.

[unsaved]

Thanks GrayClouds. I actually wrote that last comment before I read your post.

 

But can you all see my problem? I can't help but keep asking stuff like that and wondering! Eek! This is so hard.

 

But, like I said, I AM working towards healing (counselling, reading, doing stuff for me, NC, etc.) I WILL figure myself out. It's kinda in my nature. But, still doesn't make the pain or yearn for him go away.

[GrayClouds]

Asking the question is natural but none productive. It just keep holding you back. No one can knows the answers of the "what ifs" but you know the answer to the "whats next"

 

Keep up the good work, it get easier and when you feel yourself asking those question ask whats next instead.

[sean1970]

Sent you an eMail unsaved to your unsaved10 account...

[unsaved]

I replied :-)

[monkeymaid]

yup, im in the same situation. ...i broke up with her becasue there was no fixing herself with me around, and it was sinking me too much. god damn i love her to no end, but she has so much to figure out about how she behaves and how it effects the relationship. i could not keep taking responsibility for me and her at the same time. everything turned into my fault, she felt that it was my job to anticipate her feelings, and cater to her emotions. i started to do just that (just to avoid arguments), realized what i would become if i kept giving in, then decided to stand firm. she didnt like it, but i had to. if we are ever to be together again, it will not be under the same circumstances, and she WILL treat me properly no matter what the situation. I wish to high heaven that she will come back to me with some sense of what happened, but i know she wont. as they say, wish in one hand and **** in the other and see wich one fills up first. ...(i think i am entering the anger phase).

 

If you can focus on you, learn fast, and implement a life change in a matter of months, he will be yours again, but are you up to the challenge? do you want it back? do you want somehting diifferent? are you going to get him back only to dump him for your egos sake? what will be different? what new are you going to bring to the table?

 

i say get comfortable in your own skin, then reevaluate

[unsaved]

I dunno, Monkey. I'm just not convinced that what you're saying is right. I mean, it sounds like your girl had similar issues to mine and you did a lot for her, just like my ex. But, you seem different in your feelings compared to my ex. I mean, like I said, my ex was and has been COLD to me since our breakup. He didn't want to work with me on making things better. I even TOLD him I was going to better myself with time/space and he said he was "open" to that. But that's it. And later (b/c I called him cuz I SUCK at NC after breakups), he just told me to move on. That doesn't sound like anyone who wants me to improve, like you say about your ex.

 

And, let's say I do eventually get "comfortable in my own skin" and improve myself. If I did come back, how would he know that I was better and why would he (or you, in your case) take a chance on something if you didn't know what changes I had made or if it would work again? I'm so scared of getting rejected again by him. You almost make it sound like I have a sure shot of getting him back if I do these things. Or maybe i'm interpreting it that way. Oy.

 

Either way, I'm going to better myself FOR MYSELF. I know that for sure. And, I'm continuing with the mentality that right now is about me only and i'm not going to "do this to get him back" and all that jazz.

[monkeymaid]

whoa! i AM treating my ex the same way as your ex is treating you becasue she has to change for her and not for the sake of the relationship. she has to go through all that she must and come out the other end a different person for the sake of her and solely for her.. i wont brake no contact, becasue she needs to understand and realize that i am serious. she is holding nc though as she is a pia. i am sure that if we are to be together it wont be for years, and if that is the case, i will live my life till that day comes. i wont hold out for it, i wont hope for it(not too much;) )i wont wait for the turning point. but i will be open to it. i do miss her, and still cry what seems to be daily, i want her and feel like there is a gaping hole in my chest and head, but at the end of the day, all of our wounds will heal, and we still have to survive. i want to survive happy. hopefully with my ex, but i cant if she wants to treat me the way she treated me. she also acknowledged that she was doing ****, but she couldnt stop, and ended up blaming me for her actions. how could i keep doing that day in and day out waiting for her to change?

 

here is my take on why he treats you this way, but it is also rather egocentric on my part.

 

do you think that if i entertained her in any way after the end of the relaitonship, she would actually do anything to better herself? or would it just be a temporary change for me? I know that she wont do it unless i push her away and she is well aware that there is no more us. she has to change on her own accord and in her own time. meanwhile, i must drown my sorrows as well so i turn to work, hopbbies etc... i refuse to be brought down becasue if/when we meet again i want to be the best me for me, her and everyone else in my life! ...it is a chance that i had to take becasue i love her more than i love anything, anyone, any place, any _insert_word_here_

and if she cant grow with me, i must let her go and pray she grows without me, or with someone else. period. if the universe wants us back together, then she will come back around to me, or we will meet later in life, or whatever.

 

i dont know your ex and dont pretend to know the whole situation, but if he is human, he stills feels for you. try to think of it like this. ...he loved you enough to let you go and grow into the best possible you that you could be. now its your responsibility to learn, grow, and be the best possible you. ...that means that you must be complete from head to toe, and bring a whole person to your relationship who can stand strong with someone else not on someone else.

 

i think you are looking to me for hope as i looked to you a few days ago in another thread.

i dunno, these are just my thoughts

Edited March 10, 2010 by monkeymaid

[unsaved]

So, in other words, you are giving her up forever to make her change for the better. Like, you are trying to tell her "this is for your own good." Even though that hurts you and you love her madly. I hope i'm interpreting that correctly. Man, that would be so hard. I mean, I guess it makes sense. Either way, it comes out positive for you. If she comes back in 1 or 2 or 10 yrs after "bettering herself," then that's good. (Although, you still can't guarantee you two will work out together and the chances of her coming back are slim to none). Or, she could better herself, find a guy that better suits her and never come back, and you are still happy b/c you aren't putting up with her sh*t anymore. I mean, it really does make sense and seems healthy.

 

It sounds like this girl hurt you very much and this plan really does make sense. You are a very strong person and I know you will eventually get over her. I really hope that I wasn't hurting my ex as much as your ex hurt you. That would crush my heart. I would get mad at him about things, but never did I say things to ever blatantly hurt him I hope he knows that. Makes me want to write a letter to him and apologize again. But I've already apologized 100 times so I think he got the message.

 

I just highly doubt my ex put that much thought into it before he broke up with me. You seem very intelligent and think a lot about your relationships. My ex just really isn't that type. He's pretty simple-minded. I mean, I do believe my ex broke up with me b/c he couldn't take the fighting/arguing just like you. But i'm not sure that he did all this to have me better myself so I will come back some day as a new, better person. I think he just broke up and moved on. :/ *sigh* I miss him. I really love him so much and would give him the world if I had another shot. ah boy.

 

Ok Monkey, here's a question for ya....

 

What if you found out your ex was doing just like me....going to therapy, reading up on how to be a better person, writing in forums for advice, truly sorry for what she did and loved you very much. How would you feel about your situation? Would you be addressing it any differently? Would you think about contacting her at some point? Would you just wait for fate to take hold and bring her back to you? Does that even matter?

 

(Don't worry about how you answer that question. I'm not gonna go contact my ex and tell him i'm doing all this stuff to get him back or anything. I think I know better )

[monkeymaid]

she is going to therapy and has been for 3 years. she has been working on herself, and realizes what it is she is doing wrong, and right, and she just cant bring herself to change. she feels that i should be her bitch and rug to wipe her feet on and that she deserves everything she wants when she wants it and i should give it to her blah blah blah (its not THIS bad, again i am in the anger phase).

 

I fshe was improving by leaps and bounds, i would still mantain nc for about 6 months, then reevaluate to see if anything is sticking. ...we were friends for 6 years before our relationship so i know her REALLY well and would be able to spot the differences.

 

...at least 6 months till i made contact actually. and then only if i feel that i am over her emotionally. untill then, it will be just pleasentrys (if i dont f it up and end up in bed with her. ..we have always had the most amazing chemistry just hanging out, having fun, talking, exercising, backpacking, going to a play/movie, insert adventure here, in the bedroom, or woods, or disneyland, or car, or bar, or beach, or boat, bathroom, kitchen, chair, pool, closet ...sorry, tangent. ...we just had a hard time with the actual relationship itself.and expectations etc..) if we ever see eachother.

 

remember, though, these are MY thoughts and experiences

 

oh, and i didnt think it out, she did the same **** twice, and there was no redeeming what she did through a sorry, so i did not think about it before i broke up with her. i just did based on my values and a quick response to an action of hers.

[unsaved]

Wow. It sounds like you guys have had quite a relationship and you both have tried very hard to make it work. I mean, it makes so much sense for you to finally let her go after all that. You don't deserve that. And honestly, Monkey, it sounds like you will find someone so much better than her. If she hasn't already changed now for you, I guarantee she's not going to change later for you. She's only going to change for someone else and I bet if she came back to you, she'd fall right back into her same old patterns with you. I truly hope you are using this time to now find someone better for you and to truly forget about her.

 

My ex didn't really even give me a chance to work on myself or us. Well, at least I didn't think so. We were together 5 months and we were arguing and fighting for the last month quite a bit. We never even sat down civilly to discuss anything that was wrong or come up with a valid solution. Both of our faults, really. Poor communication. It was like his job started getting busy and he just gave up b/c of that, or something else. I guess it was bad enough that he didn't want to try anymore. Still hard for me to believe that he still loves me, thinks of me, or ever meant he loved me at all if he weren't willing to hear me out and at least give me a chance to prove it to him. :-/

 

I just hope I find someone who was as good a guy as him again. I know I will. I know you will find someone who will be good for you too, Monkey. Keep your head up.