Charlie13 Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I am in my late 30s, we have lived together for almost 6 years. And we still seem to be no closer then when we met.. We have talked about it in the past and both agreed we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives, he comes from a strict catholic upbringing (although personally is not religious at all) but i know he wants to be married b4 he has kids... I don't care if we marry or not, but i want kids in the next couple of years - or at least start trying... So then i know he will need to ask me b4 we can make the step to kids.... Is he ever going to ask me? Or am i just wasting my time..... Because i am too old to start again, meet someone and then have babies, i do not have that many years! So i think i might start look at adoption procedures, cause i am running out of time... Thoughts??? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 If you've been together for six years and he hasn't asked yet, my guess is he just doesn't want to get married. Ever. Many men don't. Those who do marry do so because they feel they have to--i.e. they fear the women they love will leave them if they don't. Keep something in mind. There was a time when a man needed to get married in order to achieve full personhood. If a man wanted to live with a woman, to have a sex life, and to be respected by his family and community, he needed to be married. Even his employer might look at him as flakey and unreliable if he didn't have a wife. None of this is true anymore. There is nothin a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For many men, marriage is something to dread, not look forward to. Men associate marriage with the end of their youth and the loss of their freedom, and fear financial ruin in the case of divorce. More and more men are weighing the benefits against the costs and saying, "no thanks." Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Unfortunately I have to agree with ADF. If he hasn't married you at this point (at his age and after being with you for so long) then it seems unlikely that he ever will. If a man wants to marry a woman, he doesn't let six years go by without a proposal. Do you two talk about marriage at all? What does he say? After six years you deserve a clear answer about whether marriage is in the future for you two or not. Sit down with him and ask him point-blank. Say that you are confused because he talks about kids, but not marriage. If marriage is important to you DO NOT have kids with this man thinking "oh, he'll definitely marry me after that!" Look around on this forum, there are women who have been with their boyfriends for a decade, have 2-3 kids, and are STILL not married. Frankly I will never understand how someone can willingly put themselves in that position. If your end goal is marriage, you need to have a serious talk with your bf NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 You are in your 30s, living together for six years. You are talking about marriage/family - the biggest commitment and most binding contract you will ever make in your life, the ramifications of which will every aspect of your very being from now on. Ya really think bringing guesswork and Cinderella surprises into it at this point are a good thing? Is he going to ask you? 30s. 6 years. Your ambitions are no different than 90% of the people on the planet. "I want a family. I love you. I have decided it is you I want to spend the rest of my life with. It is time for me to move forward with my ambitions and the rest of my life. It seems that you are still undecided and I respect that. I am moving out for 6 months. During this time I believe my love and commitment to you will grow and my decision be reinforced. If it is not the same for you...then we can both move forward without each other." Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 "I want a family. I love you. I have decided it is you I want to spend the rest of my life with. It is time for me to move forward with my ambitions and the rest of my life. It seems that you are still undecided and I respect that. I am moving out for 6 months. During this time I believe my love and commitment to you will grow and my decision be reinforced. If it is not the same for you...then we can both move forward without each other." Ack!! No, no, no! NEVER put an ultimatum on a man! THINK this way, but don't TELL him about your time line. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Ack!! No, no, no! NEVER put an ultimatum on a man! THINK this way, but don't TELL him about your time line. But she has to put an ultimatum on this man. Just has to. If she doesn't demand a firm commitment and ask for a definate timeline, things will just continue to drift along as they have. Most men are perfectly happy to just "hang out" with a woman forever. If allowed, they'll never make any commitments at all. And why would they? They're already getting everything they want! The trouble is, when a man refuses to marry a woman, he sends her a clear message: I want an easy out. No matter how long they've been together, no matter how many years of HER life the woman has invested in the man, he expects to be able to walk away from her on a whim at any time, owing her nothing and never having to look back. Is that hard to understand why this might make a woman feel unloved? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 I dont know Star Gazer. To me, this isnt an ultimatum but personal terms. An ultimatum is a threat. Used in some kind of game. This is way more important...she and he need to come to terms with their lives. Seriously, I get not wanting to attach a "time line" I do....but sometimes you need one to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Love the "Ack!" though. I want to say that more often, like in conversation...right now when I disagree I say "Ya think?" "Ack" would be so much more..... Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 We have talked about it in the past and both agreed we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives, he comes from a strict catholic upbringing (although personally is not religious at all) but i know he wants to be married b4 he has kids... I don't care if we marry or not, but i want kids in the next couple of years - or at least start trying... So then i know he will need to ask me b4 we can make the step to kids....Leverage the first paragraph, off the opening from the second paragraph. "Honey, did you see XYZ's little girl/boy? Cuteness plus, huh? I think we'd make some adorable children together. What do you think? Are you ready yet?" "Cool chicks" get walked all over and taken for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 If you've been together for six years and he hasn't asked yet, my guess is he just doesn't want to get married. Ever. Many men don't. Those who do marry do so because they feel they have to--i.e. they fear the women they love will leave them if they don't. Keep something in mind. There was a time when a man needed to get married in order to achieve full personhood. If a man wanted to live with a woman, to have a sex life, and to be respected by his family and community, he needed to be married. Even his employer might look at him as flakey and unreliable if he didn't have a wife. None of this is true anymore. There is nothin a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For many men, marriage is something to dread, not look forward to. Men associate marriage with the end of their youth and the loss of their freedom, and fear financial ruin in the case of divorce. More and more men are weighing the benefits against the costs and saying, "no thanks." I agree that if he hasn't asked you to marry him in 6 years, knowing you aren't getting any younger, knowing you want kids, WTF are you still doing wasting time on him? However ADF, I feel the same way about the bolded parts above for women. What good reason does a woman have to marry these days. You can still have kids and get child support (if you want kids that is) otherwise, women can marry and surely lose their youth early, fear financial ruin when their husbands run off with a younger woman, and the shear oppression of marriage and all the slave work involved in it for women. Heck, if you ask me, men have a lot more to gain from marriage than women do. Women are signing up for an early death. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 he comes from a strict catholic upbringing (although personally is not religious at all) but i know he wants to be married b4 he has kids... If he were thinking that much about his religion he would have asked you to marry him before you lived together. I don't think that's a factor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charlie13 Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 Thanks for all the replies peoples..... Yeah i don;t know, i mean i met his family month or so after we met, and we are really connected, but he just doesn;t seem to be taking that next step. If i knew he would be happy to have babies without marrying then i would be starting now, but i he said he wanted to be married b4 we had babies, well, time is a ticking! I am not getting any younger either.... Might have to have a chat, no ultimatums, but just a where you at chat... Thanks Again If he were thinking that much about his religion he would have asked you to marry him before you lived together. I don't think that's a factor. No i said he came from a strict upbringing (his father studied at the Vatican) He does want kids, but for some reason that Catholic guilt that doesn't come up with anything else does with kids, and he has said he wants to marry b4 kids. I personally could not care if we ever married but i DO want kids, so i feel that he needs to hurry up and get the wedding part done, so we can then have kids... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 What do you plan to do it he isn't ready to marry? Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 When you decide which is more important to have in your life: your present partner or kids, your path will become clearer. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 I think, Charlie13, you need to be more communicative of your desire to have kids. Don't be afraid to express what you want in the relationship, because that's how you know it's going to work.... if he listens, if you two are on the same page. So when was the last time you two spoke about kids? Does he really get it that you want kids now? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 What good reason does a woman have to marry these days. You can still have kids and get child support (if you want kids that is) otherwise, women can marry and surely lose their youth early, fear financial ruin when their husbands run off with a younger woman, and the shear oppression of marriage and all the slave work involved in it for women. Heck, if you ask me, men have a lot more to gain from marriage than women do. Women are signing up for an early death. I agree men usually have more to gain from marriage than women do. Men often lack the strong social support networks women have before marriage, and so depend heavily on their wives to provide emotional support. When their marriages end, men are often left pretty isolated. There are exceptions, of course, but it often plays out that way. As for the rest, I don't think receiving child support is as satisfying as having a loving partner committed to sharing child-care responsibilities. There's just no comparison. But as to why women seem to desire marriage so much more than men, I'm not sure. I'm probably the wrong person to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 As for the rest, I don't think receiving child support is as satisfying as having a loving partner committed to sharing child-care responsibilities. There's just no comparison. But as to why women seem to desire marriage so much more than men, I'm not sure. I'm probably the wrong person to ask. My response was to what you said originally. Of course there is no comparison to being in a loving commited relationship for both sexes. But, when you talk of reasons why men shouldn't marry there are far more reasons (IMO) for women not to marry. You just gave me another, having to be a man's sole provider of emotional support. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 My response was to what you said originally. Of course there is no comparison to being in a loving commited relationship for both sexes. But, when you talk of reasons why men shouldn't marry there are far more reasons (IMO) for women not to marry. You just gave me another, having to be a man's sole provider of emotional support. Well, if that is so, I cannot imagine why women are, in general, so much more determined to marry then men are. And that does seem to be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Well, if that is so, I cannot imagine why women are, in general, so much more determined to marry then men are. And that does seem to be the case. I ask this question all the time of women who beg "why won't he marry me". It is the case but I believe as time goes on women will move past this attitude as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 I know I was banned last time for asking this question but I think it is a legitinate thing to ask. If you are so much against marriage stillafool why do you claim to be happily married? Quite honestly it does seem a bit hypocritical. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 I can see how you feel that way as I feel the same way about you. I am not against marriage. I am fortunately happily married. However, when I read men complain how marriage is the worst thing for men, I like to point out how it goes both ways and is actually a far worst arrangement for women. Yet, we all still marry. I am older and have seen more than younger women who still look at marriage through rose colored lenses, as I did when I was younger. However, I have to admit through the years, looking at my marriages, my friends, my parents, etc., I have to say it seems like far more work for women than men. I don't have kids but it seems women who do work really hard, without complaints. I use to tell my own mother that all the time when I was a little girl. She would lie and tell me how much she loved the things she did for us. She has passed on now. I do hope young women start to view marriage differently. Marriage can be wonderful in so many ways; but they need to look at the entire picture before they commit. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Charlie13, what do you plan to do if he won't marry you? Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 I am in my late 30s, we have lived together for almost 6 years. And we still seem to be no closer then when we met.. We have talked about it in the past and both agreed we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives, he comes from a strict catholic upbringing (although personally is not religious at all) but i know he wants to be married b4 he has kids... I don't care if we marry or not, but i want kids in the next couple of years - or at least start trying... So then i know he will need to ask me b4 we can make the step to kids.... Is he ever going to ask me? Or am i just wasting my time..... Because i am too old to start again, meet someone and then have babies, i do not have that many years! So i think i might start look at adoption procedures, cause i am running out of time... Thoughts??? Why don't you ask him what his plans are? Is he even ready for children? Your biological clock is ticking, his obviously, is not. If he doesn't intend to marry you, does he intend to have children with you? And if marriage is a requirement before having children, yet he doesn't want to commit, are you willing to give up motherhood for this man? You've not given a whole lot of details, but it looks to me like he's riding the clock. Meaning if he wanted to be married, he would be married, but is either waiting for something else to come along, or for you to push him into committment. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Why do women wait for their man to propose? My wife asked me and I said yes because it`s what she needed to be able to give me what I wanted (Child). I would never have gotten married otherwise as there was simply no other benefit to it for me. I could have happily carried on shacking up for eternity as it`s much safer for a man that way. Why don`t you ask him? This is the 21st century after all or is all that "equality" talk just smoke & mirrors? Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Linwood- could you please expand on what you mean by "safer"? You mean committed but able to walk away at a moments notice? Or no committment at all? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
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