UK blues, a husbands story

[nobmagnet]

hey,

 

how did it go? Hope your good.

 

Nobby xx

[10206]

hi nobby

 

they have just left a few mins ago, and i am in my room trying not to cry and failing. my sister came in just now to see if i was okay and i had to send her out as it would have made me worse. i am writing this post to report on how it went and to try and compose myself.

 

both handovers went without incident. yesterday, she arrived, and i stayed upstairs. she (w) handed over the kids at the door but declined to come in and pretty much ran off.

 

i had a lovely time with my girls. we went to the park, i cooked dinner last night, i became DJ for DD1 as she likes me to play pop videos for her on the laptop. we had a great day. DD2 told me today that she wanted to stay with me. i teared up at that but did not let her see. i have been using the time to gently explain to her what is going on, i.e. why i am here. i did not get heavy and kept it light but i respect her enough to be basically honest about the situation whilst not overly dwelling on it. they both had fun while they were here and that makes me happy.

 

about an hour ago i started feeling very sad inside to know that they would be leaving soon, but did not expect it to overwhelm me once they left, i am learning things about myself through this experience. again, she came and waited by the door, while my sister handed them back to her.

 

i am still maintaining strict NC, w has also made no attempt to speak to me. i am returning to work tomorrow after having been off all this week due to this situation. i am hoping that being there will take my mind off things, though i suspect i may end up telling the same story endlessly to different people who come up to me and ask about it. i suppose that is like a kind of therapy in itself, whilst getting paid lol. i just lol'd so am perking up a little now, thanks for being there LS folk.

[nobmagnet]

hi bud,

 

well done!!!!!!!!!!!!! you managed to genuinly have a good time! :love:

 

its all new. Kids will be unsettled for a while but you are making great progress. Greif when they go works both ways. it does get easier but its harsh. Try to keep busy tonight and if your girls call you later dont be supprised............they are gonna be in a strange place too. I hope she will allow them to call. Mine needed to talk to lowly 1/2 hour he left. i let them. They dont ask now 6 months on but still struggle from time to time. just try to put your feelings aside for a while and be strong for them.

 

well done my freind. It was a massive weekend for you and you did good!

 

allme heartfelt affection

 

Nobby xx

[10206]

hi bud,

 

well done!!!!!!!!!!!!! you managed to genuinly have a good time! :love:

 

its all new. Kids will be unsettled for a while but you are making great progress. Greif when they go works both ways. it does get easier but its harsh. Try to keep busy tonight and if your girls call you later dont be supprised............they are gonna be in a strange place too. I hope she will allow them to call. Mine needed to talk to lowly 1/2 hour he left. i let them. They dont ask now 6 months on but still struggle from time to time. just try to put your feelings aside for a while and be strong for them.

 

well done my freind. It was a massive weekend for you and you did good!

 

allme heartfelt affection

 

Nobby xx

 

thank you so much, i really mean that.

[tnttim]

You are doing a great job under such circumstances.

 

Change is very stressful by itself, but when you add kids to change, it's like throwing gas on a fire. The initial flare is strong and violent, but it soon burns itself out. We all adapt to our surroundings, thank genetics for that, but the time frame differs. Sometimes you have to let time run it's course.

 

I would continue the NC. It may seem like you are being uncaring but I know NC really hurts you as well. The W needs to have her back against the wall, with no where to go before she will really look deep inside. If you let her family intervene you will be setting her up for an excuse filled intervention. Then she will changing to shut them up, and that change will be short term. Let her hit bottom. Let her figure out what's right for her. Approach this like you are dealing with drug addict who needs help. She will only stop, when she is ready to stop.

 

Tough love is the only love she should be receiving now, and you are doing a stellar job at it. Your emotions will go through an intial breaking in period and soon they will adjust.

 

Continue to be the man to your W, kids and mainly yourself. Because my friend that's what you are:

 

a fcking man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[10206]

thanks for your post tnttim, i think you have it nailed. i certainly intend to carry on NC for as long as it takes. i know that if i choose to go back now, this whole current process we are going through will have been for nothing and we may well find ourselves here again in the near future. as i have said above, she wanted this TS, she has got it and it is firmly up to her now.

 

i feel very lucky in that i have somewhere to stay. if i had to have rented somewhere, that would have been a game changer economically, and put me in a 'weaker' position. i have been told i can stay here for as long as it takes, and i am VERY grateful for that.

Edited March 14, 2010 by 10206
grammar

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

Hi bro!

 

Still hanging there. You are doing well. Just reading your stuff brought loads of emotions. I can't understand how people can act like that, not considering the long term damage this is doing to the children, the marriage and to you. The sad thing is that once you start 'hardening' up and 'moving' on she would want to remedy the situation.

 

What the f' has got into her head? If you don't have a free place to stay so she won't mind? It just beggars belief. You just can't do much as you are in a limbo because of her selfish act. Marriage is not a game as she probably is thinking. If she is with someone, or trying to be with someone, the honourable thing to do is to ask for divorce.

 

She has now put you in a very difficult situation - whilst your family and hers wants the marriage to work, when everything is said and done, that is where the real work starts. It will be very difficult to defend her when there are issues in order not to be seen as a wimp. There is also going to be doubts if she really loves you. It is going to be real hard work.

 

I am sorry i had to vent after reading your story. Why does this happen to good guys?

 

Hope your situation resolve soon. I can imagine the upheavals you going through at this time.

[10206]

hi IIWII mate

 

thank you for your post, and no apology is necessary for venting, i agree with every word you have written. i have taken strength from the replies i have received on this thread and i thank you all for taking the time to reply, it is much appreciated.

 

i am also starting to find untapped inner strength and resolve with which to see this situation through to its natural conclusion. i would never choose this, but now that i am here, i am going to deal with it properly, and that does not mean trotting back to the status quo.

 

i had today off and will return to work tomorrow for the first time since this all kicked off.

[10206]

something weird this morning.

 

bear in mind that my W does not like my mother at all (hates her with a vengeance is prob a fair description) . on sunday, when i had the girls, i took them to my mums for lunch as is close to my sisters. my M later told me that she had noticed a couple of 'missed calls' from my W, and asked if she should return the calls. i said no, if she wants to talk, she can talk to me.

 

this morning i got a text from my M saying that W did call her back, and had said to my M that she (M) should 'talk to me'! why would W ask my M (whom she loathes), to talk to me, i find it odd.

 

i haven't yet spoken to my M to learn the full details, but it strikes me as odd. it is also unfortunate that my wife chose the actions that have led to this situation, as i will not accept any 'quick fixes'.

 

just thought i would report that.

Edited March 16, 2010 by 10206

[10206]

i spoke to my mum today. W had called her and was spouting the usual nonsense. she also said that she had not asked for a TS/divorce and only wanted space!!! utter lies, i am afraid. hearing that made me wish that i had taped her rants. get this! she told my mum that she doesn't want to be a single mum, and that she will give ME a year to improve, and if i don't, that will be it. erm, wtf!? i'm sorry darling, but we don't need to wait a year, it is make or break right now.

 

she also told my mum that her counsellor had told her to phone my mum and get her to talk to me, and she also tried to get my dads number, so she could 'talk to him'. my mum did not give it to her.

 

SIGH!!!!

 

on a more positive note, i returned to work today, and they have been very supportive. it is just a shame that LS is blocked there lol...

[nobmagnet]

 

You two need some help and NOW. she seems to be in melt down and its in your kids interest to find out where her head is. Forget the other stuff for now. If you two can see a counseller private or not ASAP they will be able to see if she is having a beakdown. Her chopping and changing (man in the pub advise love) show indications she really isnt well.

 

She involved your folks so allow them to help.............unless your mum is like mine.......bitch from hell!. but you have a sister that appears to be brilliant. Also suggest she has a close friend there too so she feels supported. More ears is good.

 

waddya think??

 

nobby

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

I think both of you need to see a counsellor TOGETHER, no individual counsellors. You can call her out when she misinform and she can do same. She was advised to call your mum based on what she told her counsellor, probably she deliberately misinformed the counsellor or she did it according to her perception of things. Either way you both have to do it together for any meaningful solution.

 

At least from your last post there seems to be hope. Changes needs to be from both, not just you as she is demanding.

[10206]

hi nobby and IIWII

 

thank you for your posts. ever since last march when this truly started, i have lost count of how many times i have suggested MC. she has always been closed off to it, and thinks i should go on my own, as there is "nothing wrong with her".

 

i think she is treating this like a messed up game. based on what my Mum reported earlier, she is unhappy that i involved her family (i.e. emailing her brother and alerting him that i was leaving that day, and asking him to keep an eye on her, as i was very concerned about her emotional state). she told my mum i had "opened a can of worms" by doing so, and that she was embarrassed, and is now telling her family how awful i am etc. i am glad it is now out in the open, whether or not the marriage is saveable. her family have come to stay before, and have seen me working away, actually doing the things that i am being accused of being slack on. her brother has even commented in the past on the fact that i do a lot more than most men. i think that even though they will naturally support her as their blood, that they can see that something is not right in what she is saying.

 

i think she is now involving my family as she just expected me to come trotting back like the dutiful emotional punch bag that i have been for some time now. i think she is realising that the worm has turned, and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

i think she is not ready to accept any ownership in this situation yet. when she is, i will be there to participate equally, and she knows that. i worry that pressure from family may make her just go along with the motions (MC) because it is "the right thing to do", not because she wants to.

 

she has been letting DD2 ring me every evening, and even reminded her to do so this evening. i just had a call, and DD2 said that she wants to come again this weekend with her sister, which has made me happy. i am going to take them swimming.

 

thanks for listening, and for your valuable advice which is always appreciated.

[floridapad]

You seem to be handling everything pretty darn well, except..... Have you looked into the legalities of your

situation regarding child custody money etc. This Mexican stand off could last a little while and the last thing you need is her crying "abandonment". She sounds extremely irrational. Consult an attorney just to see where things will stand should this last for a few Months! But DONT give in. You are handling it perfectly just double check the legal side as a backup!

[10206]

hi floridapad

 

thank you for your post. funnily enough i was talking about this with my sis earlier, along similar lines. i have access to free legal advice through my employer, so i am going to call them tomorrow and see what the score is. thanks for reminding me to do so.

[tnttim]

I'll point out a good thing coming from a bad thing here.

 

How's the relationship with your children been?

[10206]

I'll point out a good thing coming from a bad thing here.

 

How's the relationship with your children been?

 

hi tnttim, thank you for your post. my relationship with my kids is just great. DD1 can't talk (non-verbal, autistic etc), but DD2 (who has been phoning me every evening) is sooo excited that they are both coming back this Saturday. they have been my focus through this ordeal and will continue to be so. i will always be there for my kids no matter what. they are my entire focus now, no matter what happens between my wife and i. i have made a point of not saying anything negative to them about W.

[tnttim]

hi tnttim, thank you for your post. my relationship with my kids is just great. DD1 can't talk (non-verbal, autistic etc), but DD2 (who has been phoning me every evening) is sooo excited that they are both coming back this Saturday. they have been my focus through this ordeal and will continue to be so. i will always be there for my kids no matter what. they are my entire focus now, no matter what happens between my wife and i. i have made a point of not saying anything negative to them about W.

 

That's my point something good:better relationship with kids out of the something bad you have with W. That's awesome that you are not degrading W to kids, not easy I bet.

[10206]

i contacted DD1's social worker today, as i had not heard anything. apparently she went to see W today, and now wants to meet me here next week to discuss what care i can provide to DD1. that doesn't sound too promising. i will meet her and am hoping to use the meeting to with the SW to initiate some kind of mediation if possible. i think W is firmly digging her heels in. i will see what the SW has to say about her meeting with W and how it went/what was said etc.

[BearMox]

10206,

My heart goes out to you. Your W has hit a bit of a rough spot no doubt. Remain focused on _what_ is right not _who_ is right. The big thing screming out at me is YOUR DEAR DAUGHTERS!

 

They need the stable man in their life. Don't let your W going crazy deprive you of your right to 50% time with your daughters!

[10206]

hi bearmox, and thank you for your post.

 

i couldn't agree with you more, my 2 girls mean the orld to me and i will not allow this situation to deprive them of their daddy. i have been speaking to my younger daughter every night and making her laugh and giggle.

 

whichever way this goes down, they MUST come first. lets see what happens following meeting with social worker next week.

[10206]

i have PROGRESS to report, and need your advice on how to proceed from here.

 

W rang my sis today and they had a long talk. W said how she has been doing thinking, and realised that she does love me, and does not want to throw it all away, how the kids need their dad etc etc. she is ready to talk, and to LISTEN to me . my sis had a good chat with her, and was putting my view across, i.e. men have feelings too lol. W said to her that individual counselling has messed her up and she is not sure she could do MC (i view this as a red flag), but really wants to work on the relationship on an equal footing.

 

she is going to bring round DD2 on saturday to spend some quality time with me, and will bring DD1 on sunday. my sis has offered to baby sit them so W and I can go on a date.

 

i do not intend to go home this week, but am willing to meet W to actually talk for a change rather than be screamed at. sis has siad i can continue to stay here if i want.

 

i really need some strategies on how to deal with this now, moving forward. i don't want to mess up the gains that i have made if that makes sense? my plan is to take her out on sunday and just talk. i kind of want to just start again, like gf/bf if that makes sense. i know we need to talk about what has happened, but i don't want to dwell on it too much. what i want her to realise, and i think she has started to, is that this doormat has 'manned up', and is not afraid to walk if the bad treatment resumes, but i am terrible at wording these kind of things. any help gratefully received.

 

thanks for being there LS people, you are the best

[tnttim]

Great news man, glad to hear it.

 

You are right, treat it like a date with someone new. Ask yourself how well would a date go if you talked about your past relationships? That's exactly why you need to forget about the past with her and just have fun. If she brings it up, tell her "we'll have plenty of time to talk about that, let's just have fun."

 

There is no magic talk my friend. It's not a finger snap and boom you're back with W. It takes a lot of time and patience. You want to move slow with her, but you want to do something extra after each date. Like a hug on the first date, a kiss on the second or third, long kiss on the fourth and son on. You have to feel her out, just like dating someone new.

 

I would spend the next few days reading those books, and really taking them in. Focus on "charisma", "levels of comminication book", and "rebound stratedgy." When you get in the mind state you need it all becomes natural until one day you don't even have to think about it.

 

Your W wants you, don't ever forget that. No matter what she says, or what she appears to do, never forget she wants you.

 

Good luck and have some fun with your wife:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[BearMox]

...agree with tnttim, change is a slow process. however knowledge and understanding can come in a moment.

 

many counselors would go for a tactic which gets you guys focusing on positive things, rather than digging through mud.

 

Love is a product of attention and desire. That desire and attention needs to net something of positive value (peace, kindness, security, etc) for it to please the soul! If it does not, it will turn sour.

 

If your wife continues to focus on how you're not her perfect man slave, it could be her undoing. likewise for you, focusing on how nutty she is.

 

I think she is struggling with this more than you; if you both can accept each other, where you are right now, and be successful at just partnering in life focusing on how good life is, working together, you'll be mended in time and back on the right track.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would set a date in the future when I would move back into my house, communicating it openly with the daughters and the wife, stating that you gave her the time she asked for. No more than a month from now, and involve the daughters as much as possible.

 

Then you have to get your wife to commit and work on the marriage, reach an understanding on what it will take to get things working again. If she can hear instruction and wisdom from you, then wonderful. If not, then you will need a counselor who can help her wake up. A mature wise woman who has weathered these storms could be a great help if counseling isn't a option.

 

I'll still believe that any couple can be successful without counseling if they can be brutally honest every day and unwavering in their acceptance of one another.

[10206]

thank you tnttim and bearmox for your posts. i ordered "light her fire" after reading about it on here and it arrived today. W brought DD2 over earlier. we didn't see each other face to face and still haven't spoken. she is still communicating via DD2. my sis said she seemed a lot calmer. arrangements for tomorrow, i.e. me and her to possibly meet and go for a drink have not been discussed yet, will see what happens tomorrow.

 

i feel a lot stronger in myself and now know that whatever happens, i can survive it. i want to learn a musical instrument and will pick up something second hand to have fun with.

 

i met an old friend last night and we went to see a band in his local, really good pink floyd covers and more, it was ace! got the night bus home which i hadn't done in years. great fun.