Aaaand.....

[uksurfer]

...she's off again. Jeez.

 

[sotagoon]

Got a runner? ..... I'd be interested in the story...I'm on #3 for disappearing acts.

[uksurfer]

Yeah, first time about 4 years ago. All documented here -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88277/ and there was a happy ending a few threads later.

 

Second time about 6 weeks ago. Similar circumstances - everything seemed fine from my point of view, then bang... she's leaving with no talking, no discussion, no real explanations, nothing.

 

I was prepared to forgive the first time... but the second time?

 

Ack.

[sotagoon]

Yeah, first time about 4 years ago. All documented here -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88277/ and there was a happy ending a few threads later.

 

Second time about 6 weeks ago. Similar circumstances - everything seemed fine from my point of view, then bang... she's leaving with no talking, no discussion, no real explanations, nothing.

 

I was prepared to forgive the first time... but the second time?

 

Ack.

 

First off.....I'm sorry to hear about your split....Truly am!

 

I went to my 2nd therapy session last night and for some reason feel a little indifferent today. My self worth has taken a huge hit (NOW 3 Times)

See here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t214146/

 

I'm in the office today and trying to get caught up....but I'll do my best to read your OP tonight.

 

I'm doing my best to try to build myself back up....it's just really daunting.

Kinda took too many shells to the chest already.

 

All I can say....is I am starting to see and believe that past history is kind of a prediction of the future. (Leave once...keep leaving??!!!!)

I did my best to welcome her back without judgement, grudge and with an open heart...and the result has been the same????

 

Let me know if I can be of support..I'd be happy to.

[unsureLP]

I just read your original post, though I did skip a bunch of pages in the thread. Wow, just wow. It sounds like you're a pretty grounded and patient guy. How are your kids? Are they holding up?

 

I honestly don't know if I could take someone back if they did that to me, especially since this is the second time.

[Gunny376]

Hi UKS, I would say "Welcome Back?" But that just wouldn't be right

 

Sorry to hear, we all thought you were one of the lucky ones.

[spriggig]

WOW!

 

I'm dying to hear a run-down of what happened in the intervening four years.

 

So many of us who have hope for reconciliation WONDER if we'll actually be able to make it work for the long run.

[uksurfer]

Hello Gunny mate - yep, welcome back doesn't really have the right effect, eh?

 

Well... the story this time round is super similar to last time - only doubly worse in that I'd allowed myself to fully let my guard down start trusting her again.

 

The last four years weren't easy as I'd have hoped. First, it was difficult for me to trust in the early days for obvious reasons. So I trusted but verified and all seemed ok.

 

She was loving and attentive, phoning me up most days from work to say hi, and usually with an "I love you". We had holidays, we worked on the house, we bought a camper van and went away with the kids a lot, and blah, blah, blah.

 

Money wasn't so much of an issue anymore until the last half of last year when my business took a hit during the recession. It's picking up again now, though. Still, she'd started a great new job and was making a decent salary and my time was flexible enough to take care of all the schooling and childcare.

 

However, it actually does look like money was the primary issue all over again here. I think during that last 6 months she'd started to resent the fact that I was taking a hit financially because of the economy - not that there was anything I could do about it. We were still comfortable, and the kids were taken care of, so I couldn't see a problem.

 

But, compulsive spending was always an issue with her and I always felt like the one saying "hey, can we *really* afford that?" whenever she wanted to buy something expensive. Generally, she'd buy it anyway.

 

Another primary issue this time round as far as I can tell was still the kids themselves. Because we had kids, I think she felt a bit trapped. She'd found a whole new social circle at work that consisted of younger people with no kids and people her age with kids who had already grown up and therefore didn't need the level of care and attention that ours do (they're now 8 and 5). These new work buddies were going out quite a lot and I think she feels she was missing out.

 

Last primary issue was the whole family thing itself. I now believe that she's just not capable of 'giving'. She can take alright, but when it comes to giving and sharing (whether it's love, affection, attention, support, money, whatever) she just can't do it. And when there's two young kids and a husband who want/need all of that and you just don't have the ability to do it, then you're going to have a hard time of it.

 

I imagine it's like being given some oil paints, some brushes and a canvas, and being told to paint an accurate landscape when you just really don't have the skills.

 

So, rewind back to mid January. One day she was in the process of booking us a family holiday for this coming summer, literally the next day she'd announced that that was it and she was leaving again. This was in response to me innocently arranging for me and my kids to meet my brother and his kids one evening. I think she just fabricated that issue so she had something she could hang all this onto - because there really wasn't anything else.

 

A couple of days later she'd found an apartment to move into (although she couldn't move for a few weeks so we lived in separate rooms - ugh).

 

She hadn't talked to anyone about it - or at least anyone that knew both of us. I'm fairly sure she'd discussed things with her new buddies at work, who don't know me or our families. My family have disowned her, her family have insisted that they're not taking sides again and after speaking to her, they've said that they can't see what the problem is - because it all seems to "be about her".

 

She immediately decided to delete almost everyone we'd known as a couple from her Facebook account (childish, eh?), and she's left a ton of people wondering what's going on.

 

She also decided to break it to the kids on Valentine's Day (of all days!?) and when I suggested a different day, she tore a strip off me in front of the kids - "what the f*** does that matter, you ****", etc, etc. Nice, eh?

 

She didn't want to take any furniture, she didn't really want to take any of the kids' clothes and toys, and she hasn't wanted any of our photographs or anything else.

 

There's no-one else involved - at least not that I know of, but then maybe she became an expert at hiding things after last time?

 

Still, it's literally like she's wiping the last 10 years out of her memory - and she's now an emotionless robot whenever I see her.

 

However, I've not yet mentioned that this time round she's decided she wants the kids with her half the week (they're with me slightly more) - and there's really nothing I can do about that, which is killing me because I've gone from having them with me and caring for them 24/7 to them not being in the house 50% of the week. Ugh. The only issue with this arrangement is that everyone who knows her is 110% positive that she'll not be able to cope and that they'll eventually end up with me. I guess time will tell there.

 

The reasons I've had from her range from wanting to "get her life back" (husband/2 young kids <-- shouldn't they be your life???), to she "can't do the family thing" to she "can't do the mum thing" to she "can't stand the kids' behaviour and finally - and venomously - telling me that she "doesn't love me". Huh? Then don't tell me you do every day then, jeez.

 

Mid life crisis? Maybe? Borderline Personality Disorder? Very possibly? *******? Could be? Either way, I feel like I've been taken for a proper ride the last 4 years and I've now got to start putting my life back together all over again.

 

So, all a bit of a mess really.

 

I've probably left out quite a lot here, and I'll likely remember it and write it down shortly. But right now, my only advice would be that if your wife/husband disappears like mine did because they can't handle the commitment - and then comes back, be wary.

 

Very, very f***ing wary.

Edited March 11, 2010 by uksurfer

[linwood]

UK,

 

Over the past two days I`ve read your entire story (I think).

 

You should really just get a lawyer at this point and get it over with man.

 

Do you think you can physically and mentally take more of this again?

 

I couldn`t.

[uksurfer]

UK,

Do you think you can physically and mentally take more of this again?

 

Ah, you must've misread me - or I probably wasn't very clear.

 

I was prepared to offer the benefit of the doubt the first time around - this time, seriously no dice.

 

She's well and truly blown it. Her loss, too. And if she does try and make things tricky for me or the kids, then it'll only go pop in her face.

 

Right now, I've made sure I'm as safe as I can be, legally, financially, custody-wise, everything else. Trust me - I'm on top of this.

 

I'm only back here on this forum to wrap this story up and to say hi to a few folk that helped me last time round - Gunny's the only name I've seen that I recognised, but if there's anyone else who remembers me, then heya.

 

I know I left you all with a happy ending last time, but I just wanted everyone to realise that happy endings ain't always that happy.

 

[Gunny376]

23:45 here, I'll PM you before I crash out for the night about who's still around and what happened to the "Great One"

 

Sorry to hear things went South for you with the DW.

 

I am glad to hear that you've got things lined up in all the other areas of your life.

 

One word of advice? Don't go and mess all that up by punching the STBXW. As tempting as that may be?

 

In the end? All that it means is that you've got to go and find yourself someone new. Who appreciates you for being you, and what you've got to offer the right woman.

 

And as I recall you brought a lot of good things to the table that money just can't buy and that can't be easily laid a hand upon.

 

I also recall you didn't care too much for my opinion sometimes, and particularly didn't like my ,.................spelking?

 

Well I downloaded the Google toolbar with it spellcheck that spellchecks even here at LS.

[uksurfer]

One word of advice? Don't go and mess all that up by punching the STBXW. As tempting as that may be?

 

No... not that stupid.

 

In the end? All that it means is that you've got to go and find yourself someone new. Who appreciates you for being you, and what you've got to offer the right woman.

 

And as I recall you brought a lot of good things to the table that money just can't buy and that can't be easily laid a hand upon.

 

Yep, I know that.

 

 

I also recall you didn't care too much for my opinion sometimes, and particularly didn't like my ,.................spelking?

 

Well I downloaded the Google toolbar with it spellcheck that spellchecks even here at LS.

 

Dude, I thought you had some of the soundest advice on this forum - and all from experience, too, right? I did care for it.

 

Having said all that in my last post above though, this is all still super raw and excruciatingly painful for me and I found myself waking at 4am this morning in a bit of a state. All I wanted to do was drop her a message asking her whether she might - just might - be feeling that this is all a big mistake. Gah.

 

But then I reminded myself that people don't often make big mistakes like this twice, and the she hasn't ever proved that she's capable of going the distance. In terms of my own sanity, I need to be with someone who is capable.

 

And then... my kids woke up, jumped in my bed, and made me laugh. All good now. Or at least a little better.

 

Just need time to get over this... (and I wish I'd taken it 4 years ago).

[Gunny376]

And then... my kids woke up, jumped in my bed, and made me laugh

 

And that alone is GOLDEN!

 

That's something money cannot buy, that you cannot find in a woman, that you cannot find in a relationship, that you cannot find anywhere.

 

THAT'S the something I did my twenty in the Corps for!

 

So your kids can wake up, jump in your bed and make you laugh! And laugh and giggle with you!

 

Man! That means a lot to me! That really means a lot to us Vets!

 

That's why we put it all on the line!

 

All gave some, some gave all!

 

Those words that you spoke?

 

And then... my kids woke up, jumped in my bed, and made me laugh

 

Made my day!

[dreamingoftigers]

I hear you gentlemen, I have got a runner too. Disappeared Monday loaded and is in Northern Alberta (won't tell me that, but I know because he pulled money out of our checking account two days ago). He is supposed to be working his recovery and then just decided he couldn't handle "us." Grabbed his backpack, shoes, Ipod, jacket and was gone out the back door when I left to go for work. I came back 45 mins later to pick up a key for the next job and found an empty house. He is hitchhiking around up there in the wind. Got two emails saying he wants to be in our nine month old daughter's life, just needs more time. Last time he did something like this was 6 months ago and he called me sobering up. I went and got him. STUPID!

 

He thinks he is going to get joint custody. I don't think the courts (and that is where he will have to go unless he starts working his recovery program) are going to be to interested in a guy that was homeless for 12 years, alcoholic underneath a bridge. Sobered up long enough to get married and have a kid (4 years). Then keeps ditching the kid with her Mom and taking off to go panhandle. No job, no place, no recovery, no stability. Just every now and then a "I can't take this."

 

Well guess what? I can't take this! I can't take promises that "we'll work on this marriage until we are done our counselling" and "I want a healthy family" and "I won't ever do that again" only to have him go on week-long benders across the province.

 

I never cheated, I wasn't abusive, I am a lazy ass (but even now I have gotten my ass in gear around the house) I have even made in super-clear I love, care and support him. pppfffftttt....

 

I can't believe it looks like I am going to be a single Mom at 27 because somebody impulsively "can't handle it."

[Gunny376]

UKS, tried to PM you make sure its turned on.

[uksurfer]

UKS, tried to PM you make sure its turned on.

 

Sorry fella - yep, it's on now.

 

Tell you what, I'm feeling proper sorry for myself today. Oh, and the emails she's sent me today are beginning to sound more human again, rather than the emotionless robot mode she's been in the last couple of weeks.

 

Coincidence? Nope.

 

Backsliding? Aye.

 

F***.

[LisaUk]

Hi fellow Brit!

 

What happened the first time around? OM? Back and forth to you? Cake eating?

 

So sorry to hear that she is off again, of course as much as your brain tells you that you are done and better off, your heart will have other ideas.

 

I hope you do decide to stick around sounds like we have a committment phobic in common, although my story is very different to yours, mine ran, ran from our wedding. I hope you stay for the understandably needed support as well.

[Rearden Metal]

I hear you gentlemen, I have got a runner too. Disappeared Monday loaded and is in Northern Alberta (won't tell me that, but I know because he pulled money out of our checking account two days ago). He is supposed to be working his recovery and then just decided he couldn't handle "us." Grabbed his backpack, shoes, Ipod, jacket and was gone out the back door when I left to go for work. I came back 45 mins later to pick up a key for the next job and found an empty house. He is hitchhiking around up there in the wind. Got two emails saying he wants to be in our nine month old daughter's life, just needs more time. Last time he did something like this was 6 months ago and he called me sobering up. I went and got him. STUPID!

 

He thinks he is going to get joint custody. I don't think the courts (and that is where he will have to go unless he starts working his recovery program) are going to be to interested in a guy that was homeless for 12 years, alcoholic underneath a bridge. Sobered up long enough to get married and have a kid (4 years). Then keeps ditching the kid with her Mom and taking off to go panhandle. No job, no place, no recovery, no stability. Just every now and then a "I can't take this."

 

Well guess what? I can't take this! I can't take promises that "we'll work on this marriage until we are done our counselling" and "I want a healthy family" and "I won't ever do that again" only to have him go on week-long benders across the province.

 

I never cheated, I wasn't abusive, I am a lazy ass (but even now I have gotten my ass in gear around the house) I have even made in super-clear I love, care and support him. pppfffftttt....

 

I can't believe it looks like I am going to be a single Mom at 27 because somebody impulsively "can't handle it."

 

Holy Guacamole!

[dreamingoftigers]

I know, WTF?

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry didn't mean to hijack a thread

[uksurfer]

Hi fellow Brit!

 

Hi!

 

What happened the first time around? OM? Back and forth to you? Cake eating?

 

So sorry to hear that she is off again, of course as much as your brain tells you that you are done and better off, your heart will have other ideas.

 

Yep.

 

Here's where I'm at now....

 

She's only just picked up the kids for a few hours because it's Mother's Day here in the UK.

 

She came to the door, we talked about practical stuff while the kids were getting their shoes & coats on and she was off. No emotions, no feeling, nothing really. In fact, she's been like this since the day she told me our marriage was over. That's the part I don't understand - that there are people around who can switch in less than a day from being a (relatively) typical married person to someone who shows zero feelings for the person they were married to.

 

Which one was the real her? Right now, I have absolutely no idea.

 

And I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who's capable of doing something like this. Actually, capable of doing it twice. Or at least twice that I know of. Eek.

 

Whether it's a clinical personality disorder or not, it's pretty f**king abnormal behaviour.

 

She looks and acts like a robot. She keeps saying she really wants us to be friends, but to be honest I'm not even sure that she's the kind of person I could even be friends with any more.

 

Which brings me to this - it's not her that I'm grieving and missing at all. It's the relationship, the marriage, the family unit. Everything I wanted for my kids to have while they were growing up. Only problem is that whenever I picture those things in my head, her face is still part of that picture.

 

I think it's only when I've eventually swapped out her face with that of someone who's normal, loving, caring, attentive, and able to commit that I'll be able to properly move on with this.

 

All I've got to do now is find someone who fits that description. Only now, I struggle to believe someone like that exists.

 

All pretty sad, really.

[aimchase]

Here's where I'm at now....

 

She's only just picked up the kids for a few hours because it's Mother's Day here in the UK.

 

She came to the door, we talked about practical stuff while the kids were getting their shoes & coats on and she was off. No emotions, no feeling, nothing really. In fact, she's been like this since the day she told me our marriage was over. That's the part I don't understand - that there are people around who can switch in less than a day from being a (relatively) typical married person to someone who shows zero feelings for the person they were married to.

 

Which one was the real her? Right now, I have absolutely no idea.

 

And I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who's capable of doing something like this. Actually, capable of doing it twice. Or at least twice that I know of. Eek.

 

Whether it's a clinical personality disorder or not, it's pretty f**king abnormal behaviour.

 

She looks and acts like a robot. She keeps saying she really wants us to be friends, but to be honest I'm not even sure that she's the kind of person I could even be friends with any more.

 

Which brings me to this - it's not her that I'm grieving and missing at all. It's the relationship, the marriage, the family unit. Everything I wanted for my kids to have while they were growing up. Only problem is that whenever I picture those things in my head, her face is still part of that picture.

 

I think it's only when I've eventually swapped out her face with that of someone who's normal, loving, caring, attentive, and able to commit that I'll be able to properly move on with this.

 

All I've got to do now is find someone who fits that description. Only now, I struggle to believe someone like that exists.

 

All pretty sad, really.

 

 

Absolutely, to a tee, in the same boat. Only my ex has decided to go away for the weekend and visit OM (I don't have anything for her for mother's day anyway). Bizarrely, she swore blind when I picked the kids up on Friday evening that she wasn't doing anything and was interested in a 'family day out'. We've been getting on rather well recently, so I was happy to accept that as it's nice for the kids.

 

She asks me to text her Saturday morning to arrange something. I know something is afoot though, she's rushed and had been asking me to pick the children up early. She clearly wants to get somewhere.

 

I texted her Saturday morning as agreed. She hasn't responded at all - it's always this complete denial and hiding once she reverts to the other side of her life. The lies and depths she will go to, to cover her tracks is unbelievable. If she said she was just going to see him, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

 

And yes, mine has a personality disorder and just has no remorse or will to accept that deceit and lies are wrong, and a cause of our split.

 

Anyway, this wasn't to talk about me. The point is, despite all this, i'm the same as you in that I was always willing to give it my all to make a marriage with two children work. It was a life dream - to have my wife, kids, and for us to raise them into adulthood as a happy family.

 

In exactly the same way, I know that my ex is an untrustworthy pile of sh*t, but at the same time she is the face that pieces the jigsaw of that family unit you desire.

 

I truly believe for both of us that once we've completely left the current mess, we'll be by far the happier than our ex's. They're runners, liars and manipulators. They will take that wherever they go, whilst we will learn and will applythat to meet someone who makes us truly happy.