The proposal situation is very frustrating...

[Star Gazer]

...in that I'm wondering when, if ever, BF will propose. I HATE that I'm feeling this way! (Luckily her story ended up the way she wanted it to!)

 

Brief background: I am 31, BF is 32. We've been dating since late-November 2008, officially together mid-December 2008. We're both successful professionals. I still have my apartment, but I spend most of my nights at his place. He calls the house "our house."

 

So, what's causing this neurosis? Today I got news that yet another friend is engaged - the fifth friend to get engaged in as many months. BF's brother is also getting married in May, and he's been with his fiance exactly one year longer than BF and me. It's like I'm surrounded by weddings and engagements! And they're all getting engaged at the 1.25-1.75 year mark. I think I might feel differently if so many friends weren't getting engaged, like no pressure... But they are!

 

The thing is, I think if/when he proposes, he'll want it to be a complete surpise. There have been a few times when I've ruined a surprise... for example, for my birthday. I playfully asked, "Are we doing XYZ for my birthday?" (having NO idea or even really thinking that the answer would be yes), and he exasperatedly said, "STAR! Ugh! Why did you ask that?!" And I said, "Uh oh, was that it?" and then he'd pout...cutely. So I don't want to even bring up the subject of "when," for fear of ruining whatever he has planned.

 

But on the other hand, he knows that I don't like surprises, and I know he'd be neurotic about getting me exactly the ring I want. I playfully asked him about this one time when we were both a little tipsy. I said, "Assuming we live happily ever after, how are you going to know what ring to get me?" And he said, "When the time comes, we'll talk about it." (Well, there's been not even a hint about that conversation!)

 

But even more importantly, I also don't want to make him feel pressured. I would never ever ever put an ultimatum on him. I want him to do it completely, 100% of his own volition. But...does he need prompting?

 

That said, we have two couple friends - one who's been together 4 years, another 5 years - and I have told him, on at least 3 occasions, that I refuse to find myself in those girls' shoes...still waiting, after all that time. He's promised me I won't be. He's also said that he thinks the guys in those relationships don't ever want to get married, but that he DOES want to get married. He has said that everything points to ME being the one he'll marry.

 

I've also asked him (totally separate convo), hypothetically speaking, when he thinks he'd be ready to start having children (as in, his age - he's 32 now... I wondered, 35? 37?). He said, "If I was married, I'd be ready right now. So, as soon as I'm married, really. But I suppose there'd be a benefit to waiting a little bit."

 

There's so much more to this. All the signs point to ME being the one he'll marry, but I have NO idea WHEN that will be. We have a nice trip planned in May, before his brother's wedding... and I can't help but get my hopes up. *sigh* I know I shouldn't, but... and I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking, "He needs to propose, or I'm walking!" (And I know that point would be far away, anyway.) But I have to admit that I am startin to feel a little bit anxious...a little bit like, "What if I'm not HIS 'one'?"

 

I don't even know what I'm asking. Perhaps it's just "chill the eff out" advice, the kind I'd give myself if reading this very thread.

[anne1707]

Breathe Star breathe !!

 

It's all heading in the right direction - just enjoy the ride

[Star Gazer]

Breathe Star breathe !!

 

It's all heading in the right direction - just enjoy the ride

 

I'm trying.

 

But you know, a ride goes around and around in circles, and leaves you where you started.

[allina]

SG, I love ya but I so hope LB rubs this in your face just a little :laugh:

 

Based on the decisions your bf has made since you started dating (mostly regarding the home) I'm confident that he is sure you're the one.

 

What I've noticed with several men, my SO included, is that they know you're the one, they let you know you're the one but there isn't a ton of discussion about engagement till he's ready to buy the ring. My fiance and I got engaged after close to 3 years of dating. We knew we would marry and often spoke in terms of "when we get married" or "once we're married." However, no plans were made till one weekend he asked me to go look at rings, after we looked he proposed after 3 months (I think). I think men are more to the point, the "when" and the "well about how long" stuff throws them off their plan

 

I am definitely excited for you and where your relationship is going

[Leia]

Star, chill the eff out will ya?!

 

From your post, everything seems good and I'm sure he has something planned. Just wait for it .... hang in there. Things will happen ... but yea, chill the eff out!!

[allina]

we have two couple friends - one who's been together 4 years, another 5 years - and I have told him, on at least 3 occasions, that I refuse to find myself in those girls' shoes...still waiting, after all that time. He's promised me I won't be.

 

I forgot to point this out. Take his word for it. He has shown you the love and respect you deserve so have faith in him. When a man that loves you makes this sort of promise, the most loving and attractive thing you can do is to believe him.

[Star Gazer]

SG, I love ya but I so hope LB rubs this in your face just a little :laugh:

 

Me too, actually!

 

What I've noticed with several men, my SO included, is that they know you're the one, they let you know you're the one but there isn't a ton of discussion about engagement till he's ready to buy the ring. My fiance and I got engaged after close to 3 years of dating. We knew we would marry and often spoke in terms of "when we get married" or "once we're married." However, no plans were made till one weekend he asked me to go look at rings, after we looked he proposed after 3 months (I think).

 

That is EXACTLY what my BFF said to me today. She and her now-H would talk in the hypothetical like that (and BF and I do that too), and then one day when they were strolling through WC he suggested they stop in a jewelry store to look at rings.

 

I forgot to point this out. Take his word for it. He has shown you the love and respect you deserve so have faith in him. When a man that loves you makes this sort of promise, the most loving and attractive thing you can do is to believe him.

 

I do believe him. I really do.

 

And you know, he must have sensed something from me today. He made a point to tell me: "I don't tell you enough how happy you make me, how lucky I am to have you, and how sad I'd be if you weren't in my life." It made me melt.

 

I am definitely excited for you and where your relationship is going

 

Thanks, darlin'!!

 

I know... I just need to chill out. I just wish my friends would cooperate and stop getting engaged to egg me on!

[New Again]

I feel like I remember reading a thread where you posted something about how your SO bought a house essentially because he met you.

 

He's making all the right moves, it sounds like.

 

Chill

[alphamale]

if you've together since Dec 2008 he has until Dec 2010 to officially propose. so basically you still have 9 months or so until the deadline

[blind_otter]

The female obsession with this archaic tradition of property transfer is difficult for me to comprehend.

[Green]

The female obsession with this archaic tradition of property transfer is difficult for me to comprehend.

 

weren't you also the girl who was cool with taking a paternity test if asked by the father of your baby... yeah you don't seem to relate to all things female. Women = obsessed with mariage

[Star Gazer]

if you've together since Dec 2008 he has until Dec 2010 to officially propose. so basically you still have 9 months or so until the deadline

 

I'm very well aware of your arbitrary deadlines, alpha.

[Green]

I'm very well aware of your arbitrary deadlines, alpha.

 

If it wasn't for arbitrary deadlines I don't think I would ever want to get married. Seriously my gf is already in a lets get engaged mind set. I mean I am serious about this girl but a mariage is going to set me back a minimum of 10k probably more... not to mention the legal ramifications of mariage. I wouldn't mind dating a woman 3 years atleast before getting engaged.

[anne1707]

Better to take the time to get to know each other rather than rushing and getting married within a year of meeting each other (unless of course you have had him checked out by a PI and interrogated friends/neighbours/colleagues )

[alphamale]

I'm very well aware of your arbitrary deadlines, alpha.

two years is not an "arbitrary" deadline....most relationship experts say that two years is the right time to get hitched. i'm not making this up out of thin air

[Star Gazer]

Better to take the time to get to know each other rather than rushing and getting married AND PREGNANT within a year of meeting each other (unless of course you have had him checked out by a PI and interrogated friends/neighbours/colleagues )

 

:lmao:

 

[Crazy Magnet]

It does look like all signs are pointing to the fact that he has in fact decided you're it for him. I also know how much it sucks to watch everyone around you get engaged. I hosted an engagement party a few weeks ago for one of my best friends, another girl in the bridal party of the girl we threw the party for just announced she's getting married in July this week, my roommate awaits her ring daily (she's been with her man over 2.5 years now!).

 

Your time will come and it will be marvelous and you will look back at all this stress and wonder why you did it to yourself!!

 

In. Out. In. Out. Keep breathing!

[Star Gazer]

Thanks, CM!

 

I was much calmer today. I think I just had a knee-jerk reaction to my friend's engagement yesterday...

[Crazy Magnet]

I've already told my roommate I'm going to set her on fire when she walks in the door with her rock. We have a mutual understanding!! Plus I'll never find a roommate I love so much!

 

Do you guys actually use the "M" word? Or sort of talk around it?

[Leia]

Thanks, CM!

 

I was much calmer today. I think I just had a knee-jerk reaction to my friend's engagement yesterday...

 

Mid twenties here and most friends are married/engaged. I just got a call a few hours ago to plan a hen night for a friend AND an email yesterday from a girl I got to know last year, she's inviting me to her engagement party.

 

I have plans to live with my boyfriend .... I think I will be in your shoes soon

[Star Gazer]

Do you guys actually use the "M" word? Or sort of talk around it?

 

We say, "When we live happily ever after..." and then follow that up with what we want about whatever it is. We also talk about what sort of career involvement (for ME) will fit a marriage/family between us best. We also talk/joke about children. He wants boys. My mothers' side has been a line of girls. So I'll say, "Your sons will not be skydivers." And he'll say, "That's fine, so long as your sons are skiers."

 

We've also had conversations about how I don't want to officially move in until/unless we have had very specific conversations about marriage... not that I need a ring necessarily, but I need to know it's coming down the pipe. He's said he understands and respects how I feel, and yet has also said that when my lease is up in June that I should move in.

 

2 + 2 should equal 4... but here... I'm just not so sure.

 

I have plans to live with my boyfriend .... I think I will be in your shoes soon

 

I hate it! I almost wish I could go back in time, to avoid this...angsty feeling.

[Star Gazer]

two years is not an "arbitrary" deadline....most relationship experts say that two years is the right time to get hitched. i'm not making this up out of thin air

 

Who are these experts?

[Star Gazer]

We're watching Marriage Ref right now... they're joking that you're married, you're with your ENEMY! Hahahaha! This isn't going to nudge him in the right way!! :lmao:

[allina]

two years is not an "arbitrary" deadline....most relationship experts say that two years is the right time to get hitched. i'm not making this up out of thin air

 

I don't know alpha, I have never heard of this "deadline." I will let my SO know that he was way behind schedule just in case though.

 

I have to say that I'm actually a fan of long relationships before marriage. After 3.5+ years I know my SO on a much deeper and different level than I did back when I was barely 23 and dating him for just a year.

 

I don't see why people rush things. It's important to build something real and solid before marriage. You don't build a life and a foundation together over night.

[sweetjasmine]

I don't know alpha, I have never heard of this "deadline." I will let my SO know that he was way behind schedule just in case though.

 

I have to say that I'm actually a fan of long relationships before marriage. After 3.5+ years I know my SO on a much deeper and different level than I did back when I was barely 23 and dating him for just a year.

 

I don't see why people rush things. It's important to build something real and solid before marriage. You don't build a life and a foundation together over night.

 

Agreed, the "two year deadline" sounds kind of silly to me.

 

I'm coming up on two years with my boyfriend, and it feels like it'd be too soon to get married.