What started out as friendship....

[whatstartoutasfriend]

I will try to make this as short as possible. I have fallen in love with my best guy friend and don't know what to do next! We are both are in our 30's and have been friends for almost 10 years. In the beginning we weren't super close, but over the past couple of years we have gotten to be very close. We live in different cities, so usually only see each other, maybe once a month. He doesn't know how I feel and telling him isn't an option right now. Up until recently it would feel like we were getting super close to something happening between us and then he would basically disappear. I wouldn't chase him, but after a few weeks or a month he would start calling/ texting again. The past few months we have been in touch much more. He went with me to a play, because my friend that was going got sick the day of, so he stepped in. He has gone out of his way to do favors for me lately and seems to want me to come visit more. Also, he has started to send me texts before I go to work. He doesn't call/ text daily, but at least 3 times a week. The thing is he HAS NOT FLIRTED OR CAME ON TO ME AT ALL!!! There are no sexual hints in the texts, only friendly banter and jokes. I'm not sure if he's scared of risking our friendship or if he really only considers me a great friend. HOW CAN I TELL THE DIFFERENCE w/o the touching, eye contact, etc. that most teenage/ guys in their early 20's would do. He's opened up to me about certain parts of his childhood, struggles he's gone through and other emotional things.

[carhill]

If he's sexual with other women, he has evolved his perspective of your 'friendship' to a non-sexual place, or he was never attracted to you in the first place and his attraction style is driven by sex rather than intimacy.

 

IMO, as long as you're LD, nothing will happen anyway. Proximity is required to jump-start a platonic friendship into romance, even if the parties are amenable. Also, if the LD is not resolvable, what does it matter? You won't be together anyway. Just some things to think about.

 

I've had long-term platonic female friends and understand the dynamic pretty well. I've also existed in the frustrated friendzone and been forced to evolve those dynamics to a healthier place. Hope it works out for you

[saltnpepper]

I am of the "proximity" theory as well.

 

Platonic and friendship, deep friendship, provide a foundation as well as a history.

 

Risk living in hurt to let the feelings build, assure living in regret a bit if you don't. Part of life.

 

As for an operative mode, I have tried some. With a rationalist person I was attracted to, I simply laid out my feelings, misgivings, desires. She mulled this over for a while. Then kissed me. That ultimately didn't work out - our mutual misgivings had a foundation. Was sort of logical dating matching analysis that led us to think we'd like each other over the longer term. But with a logical, rational person, this approach cuts through lots of BS. It won't counter any deep conflicts within the other or create a vision dragging one forward into a relationship.

 

Proximity seems essential. Can be sort of a trap, too. Get used to someone being around, drift into "love" marriage kids. I think that's possibly how I got with my SO.

 

My recent experience may be other end member. Being unable to remain platonic through mutual attraction of a deep level, complete parity.

 

Most are likely somewhere in between.

 

You might simply ask if you can spend more time with your desired ones. Test your feelings with yourself. Look for warm eye, heart to heart connection to be revealed. Provide an opening for something to grow. Logistically demanding, but how else to test?

 

And I strongly suggest being willing to back off if you're friendzoned for certain.

[jackiss]

"Platonic and friendship, deep friendship, provide a foundation as well as a history." you're right. The rest .... just beyond me