Trying to get over an affair

[confusedinkansas]

[quote=scorp;2698974

 

wait,wait...i just did a quick check on your posting history...you left your M to be with OM and considered him as your soul mate...since nothing has worked out as you planned, went back to your fallback guy(H)...and H does not have clue about your A or why you left the M is the first place....now you preach how to build a stronger R on deception...pretty interesting

 

No wait wait.......if you would have read - NO I did not leave my marriage for the other man. LOL.......I left my marriage long after the affair had ended. Not for the other man - for my sanity. For the record: Not that it matters to most - After my husband pulled his head out of his @ss...we got back together again & are doing just fabulous! Thanks for asking.

 

My husband does know about the first round of the affair (6 months)- he also knows that I saw the other man during our separation - as friends. He just isn't aware of the year that the other man & I started the affair back up again. (the affair was an off & on one spanning 3+ years) AND, my husband is very well aware of why I left the marriage - Thanks though!

[bentnotbroken]

this is the problem with women, they can't be innovative or try new things...may be they are mostly right brained...where there is no place for any logical,analytical thinking...possibly that is the reason i rarely find women filing for any meaningful innovation or patent....

 

is there any thing changed for you yet...you are still(probably forever)seeking the advise on how to move on from your AP and how to deceive your H...show me one (single) person where a person completely moved on from her AP with out confessing

 

 

Hold up. Gender bashing isn't necessary. Whether or not some of the posters here who happen to be women chose to continue to lie, has absolutely nothing to do with the thought processes of all women. I don't care to be lumped in a group of people(men or women) who would lie to someone they claim to love and allow that person to live a life based on deceit. The spouse didn't chose them, they were tricked into staying.

[ladydesigner]

show me one (single) person where a person completely moved on from her AP with out confessing

 

I would still be at the same place in how I feel towards my XAP whether I confess or not.

[FryFish]

No wait wait.......if you would have read - NO I did not leave my marriage for the other man. LOL.......I left my marriage long after the affair had ended. Not for the other man - for my sanity. For the record: Not that it matters to most - After my husband pulled his head out of his @ss...we got back together again & are doing just fabulous! Thanks for asking.

 

My husband does know about the first round of the affair (6 months)- he also knows that I saw the other man during our separation - as friends. He just isn't aware of the year that the other man & I started the affair back up again. (the affair was an off & on one spanning 3+ years) AND, my husband is very well aware of why I left the marriage - Thanks though!

edit: I hope your H finds out someday...

[ladydesigner]

I would like any of you to explain to me what kind of love you have, while you are (to downplay this) in you lover's arms. While you are lying to your H., about where you will be, who you will be with, and what you are gonna be doing. So what type of love is that, pray tell that allows you to be completely irreverant of your vows, and relationship, lie to your H., disrespect your H., allow others to go where only he belongs, (and you took vows about this w/out anyone twisting your arm). What type of love is that---tell me I really would like to understand.

 

It is not love it is selfishness. Most of here who have had affairs are not proud and do not feel good about it. I feel that the love for my H was absent during the A and I was able to compartmentalize. It doesn't mean the love is still not there or was not previous to the A. I am a BS as well so I understand both sides. Unfortunately I let my anger get the best of me in choosing to have a revenge A. I did not think I would end up falling for my XAP, that was not what I had intended.

 

Anyways we are all on this site to help heal and find answers and I try to keep my mind open to what all parties have to say. I still disagree that an A needs to be disclosed. But everyone has their own POV and I respect that.

[Just a stone's throw]

I would still be at the same place in how I feel towards my XAP whether I confess or not.

 

 

I know I'm early on in this process but I feel that not telling at this time will work for me, my H and my M. However, if I at ALL feel the need or want to have any inkling of another A, I will most certainly go for the D or at least separation before ever going into another A. I have recommitted myself to my H and my M. Better late than never? Maybe so but it's where I'm at and what my little womanly brain can handle....

[bentnotbroken]

I know I'm early on in this process but I feel that not telling at this time will work for me' date=' my H and my M. However, if I at ALL feel the need or want to have any inkling of another A, I will most certainly go for the D or at least separation before ever going into another A. I have recommitted myself to my H and my M. [b']Better[/b] late than never? Maybe so but it's where I'm at and what my little womanly brain can handle....

 

 

Some how I highly doubt most BS would feel that way. It almost seems like you think he should be grateful.

[Just a stone's throw]

Some how I highly doubt most BS would feel that way. It almost seems like you think he should be grateful.

 

Absolutely not, I don't put words in his mouth or expect that I can feel everything he is feeling or would feel. But it is what it is. That is what I think is appropriate and I can only go on what feels right for our marriage.

[confusedinkansas]

I know I'm early on in this process

 

It's interesting how you came here because you were having difficulty "Trying to get over an affair".........And it has now turned into a bashing back & forth session on TO TELL or NOT TO TELL..........

 

I hope that you can find peace someday with the affair, and with making amends of your marriage. Good Luck to you.

I did mean what I said earlier......Time does heal.

[lostsunsets]

Will you or have you gotten tested for an STD? At least you can do that for your husband. I can't imagine what you would have done if your husband did what you have done and gave you a disease. The personal and professional growth remark was a pretty good way to justify what you've done. Your poor husband.

[FryFish]

Better late than never?

No. Not at all.

 

That is what I think is appropriate and I can only go on what feels right for our marriage.

You are going on what feels right for YOU... Not your husband and not your marriage. Dont lie to yourself, that should be even harder than lying to your husband.

[Just a stone's throw]

It's interesting how you came here because you were having difficulty "Trying to get over an affair".........And it has now turned into a bashing back & forth session on TO TELL or NOT TO TELL..........

 

I hope that you can find peace someday with the affair, and with making amends of your marriage. Good Luck to you.

I did mean what I said earlier......Time does heal.

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. I hope that is the case.

[FryFish]

You came here to justify your actions stone's... you didnt come here to work on anything.

[Just a stone's throw]

Will you or have you gotten tested for an STD? At least you can do that for your husband. I can't imagine what you would have done if your husband did what you have done and gave you a disease. The personal and professional growth remark was a pretty good way to justify what you've done. Your poor husband.

 

 

Thank you for your concern, clean thank you.

[califnan]

if you tell... you might get a divorce where you do not have to worry about your feelings for AP or anybody(you are free to pursue anybody)....or you might be forced to choose....

 

now you wanting to move on from AP is merely a "want list" for you not "need list"

 

people dog's s*** when need arises

 

------------------

 

It is looking to me that many of the women who choose to not tell their husbands about an affair - have the wish to also keep their current financial / material living conditions - that is why they are not rocking the boat ? ..

[ladydesigner]

if you tell... you might get a divorce where you do not have to worry about your feelings for AP or anybody(you are free to pursue anybody)....or you might be forced to choose....

 

now you wanting to move on from AP is merely a "want list" for you not "need list"

 

people dog's s*** when need arises

 

Scorp I understand where you are coming from. I don't want a divorce right now and I don't really want to upset my M right now. Things have been moving forward. I really don't want to be with someone else or pursue anybody. I REALLY do not want to be with my XAP. Trust me if I could take back my A I would, too little too late now.

[Just a stone's throw]

------------------

 

It is looking to me that many of the women who choose to not tell their husbands about an affair - have the wish to also keep their current financial / material living conditions - that is why they are not rocking the boat ? ..

 

Not concerned about my financial status as I can be totally self-sufficient if I need to. I don't rely on him for income. I have supported us in the past.

[JustJoe]

MS Stones, Considering that you were in an affair, and did your level best to destroy your own marriage. Do you really think that you are capable of deciding what is best? This is another I counsel disclosure. Everyone deserves the right to make informed decisions. Are you so selfish and do you hate your husband so much , that you will not let him make his own decision?

 

Non-disclosure isn't an act of love, it is an act of deceit as bad as the affair You cheated, and now you want to evade the consequences. OKAy.... but please don't insult us by saying that you are doing it for your husband, to spare him grief, you are continuing the deception for your own selfish reason, and nothing more. If you can't be honest with your H, at least be honest with yourself.

[anne1707]

I know I'm early on in this process but I feel that not telling at this time will work for me' date=' my H and my M. However, if I at ALL feel the need or want to have any inkling of another A, I will most certainly go for the D or at least separation before ever going into another A. I have recommitted myself to my H and my M. Better late than never? Maybe so but it's where I'm at and what my little womanly brain can handle.... [/quote']

 

Not telling your H about your affair is only really working for you as it is the easy option and allows you to avoid facing reality. It is certainly not for you to decide whether it is working for your H.

 

If you have truly recommitted to your H, then you need to tell him everything so that he can also decide whether he wants this marriage. He deserves the right to make a fully informed decision about his life. Not telling him is just continuing the deceit and disrespect of the affair.

 

Also if you are to fully reconcile, how can you do that without complete honesty? You cannot fully discuss and address all the problems in your relationship if you do not disclose.

[Samantha0905]

It's interesting how you came here because you were having difficulty "Trying to get over an affair".........And it has now turned into a bashing back & forth session on TO TELL or NOT TO TELL..........

 

I hope that you can find peace someday with the affair, and with making amends of your marriage. Good Luck to you.

I did mean what I said earlier......Time does heal.

 

A very common occurrence in many threads.

[on1wheel]

Of course you don't think an A "HAS TO BE" disclosed; you are a cheater! What marriage or serious relationship can possibly exist when there is a betrayal like this being consealed? It boggles my mind how people like you fall back on "different opinions or views".

It is called "right & wrong". And in case no one ever told you; "2 wrongs DO NOT make a right". All I read is B*llSh*t about compartamentalizing your love etc. The love was not there...period. How is cheating, lying & God only knows what else love; in any form???

Look deep in the mirror, as that is the only person in this world U can't lie to.

[on1wheel]

I just read through some of the posts that I missed. To the women that commented on the fact that the husbands morbid curiousity was a M killer; what about an A as a marriage killer.

These men loved U & YOU cheated, they tried to stay & asked for details that they felt they needed to know & YOU bash them for it. Maybe they just needed to know what was done by YOU/to YOU, was it things that you refused them, yet YOU willingly let your inhibitions go wild with another.

Just once stop being so selfish & complaining about how their reactions to YOUR infidelity made YOU feel...see a pattern here ladies???

If the husbands had said "I want a divorce & never want to see or hear from you again" would you be happier now? I am pretty sure your husbands would be happier.

You have a marriage based on lies & deception; why even bother. Your husbands deserve better partners & deep down all you cheaters know it.

[bestplayer]

Of course you don't think an A "HAS TO BE" disclosed; you are a cheater! What marriage or serious relationship can possibly exist when there is a betrayal like this being consealed? It boggles my mind how people like you fall back on "different opinions or views".

It is called "right & wrong". And in case no one ever told you; "2 wrongs DO NOT make a right". All I read is B*llSh*t about compartamentalizing your love etc. The love was not there...period. How is cheating, lying & God only knows what else love; in any form???

Look deep in the mirror, as that is the only person in this world U can't lie to.

 

well i dont think anyone on this thread knows her situation better than herself so she should do what she truly feels is good for her faimly not what some strangers think is right for her .

I think once somebody realises his/her mistakes & repent it , he /she can still hope to have a good & peaceful life with her faimly .

 

Btw if someone made a mistake , does he/she has to be reminded every day of her actions for all his/her life ?

[confusedinkansas]

well i dont think anyone on this thread knows her situation better than herself so she should do what she truly feels is good for her faimly not what some strangers think is right for her .

I think once somebody realises his/her mistakes & repent it , he /she can still hope to have a good & peaceful life with her faimly .

 

EXACTLY - & I for one believe also that she did come here for guidence - NOT as someone else said "Justification" - Many may think it's for that - but believe it or not if an original poster would just read posts - Take them for face value - It's amazing.........Some actually do gain insite!

 

Btw if someone made a mistake , does he/she has to be reminded every day of her actions for all his/her life ?

 

Yes Bestplayer - MANY here believe that you need to be reminded on a daily basis what a horrible human being you are. Whether you've told your spouse or not. The act you have done is completely & totally unforgivable & it is the WORST thing one human being can do to another.

 

The attitude that comes across loud & clear here in LS -- The person committing the adulterous act should be banished to another kingdom & how dare you co-exist with us PERFECT people here on this planet.

 

It's BULLs*&^%! !! But here in LS........It Is What It Is!

[ladydesigner]

The attitude that comes across loud & clear here in LS -- The person committing the adulterous act should be banished to another kingdom & how dare you co-exist with us PERFECT people here on this planet.

 

It's BULLs*&^%! !! But here in LS........It Is What It Is!

 

Yep totally agree. Until someone has walked in my shoes they will never know. I do what I do and feel is right for my situation. The bashing goes in one ear and out the other. I'm really not affected by it. It's funny because a lot of the tell of the A comes from the BS. I am a BS as well and I do not believe that an A necessarily needs to be told to recover a M. If I had not found out about my H's A I wouldn't have gone out and had my stupid revenge A. Yes I handled it totally wrong. I would have rather have not known of his A.