Trying to get over an affair

[Untouchable_Fire]

Sorry' date=' no one is on this website becaue they are completely fulfilled and well. IMHO..... We'd all be doing something else with our time. I am grateful that you've all chosen to share a piece of your human-ness with me and my issues. I am not worried that my Ex AP will show up and get involved. That is the last thing I worry about. I am not worried about drinking too much and slipping up and telling. I made one huge mistake deciding to have an A. I now have a choice whether to make another decision to tell my H about the A which I view right now as another mistake on my part If my view on that changes, I may decide to tell him. But that's where I'm at right now.[/quote']

 

I don't think that choice is truly yours. If your any kind of a person at all you will be honest with him. Perhaps not now, but definitely in the near future.

 

You assume that everything that came out of my A was bad. I don't see it that way. It was a time of significant personal and professional growth for me' date=' some of which was at the aid of my AP. I was quite naive prior to the A and thought that only other people made mistakes, not me. Well, guess what I was falable. I chose the name I did on this site because I would have been the one to cast the first stone prior to my A. My Dad, my brothers, other people who had A's; I would have kicked my husband out if he would have confessed to an A. And then there I was, taking on a decision that I had only blamed others for. I have accepted that I made that decision but the telling of my H affects him and a whole host of people who have benefited somewhat from my personal growth. [u'] If I can live with myself and this decision, keeping it to myself and not losing it, then I feel I've protected a lot of people from a lot of unhappiness.[/u] Again, no need to make (what I view) to be two mistakes at this point. I think telling can sometimes be a selfish act in and of itself in order to get the pressure off the cheater.

 

I want to quickly point out to you that these are selfish justifications for continuing to be dishonest.

 

How are you "protecting" him from the pain? What your really doing is forcing him through lies into a marriage with someone who isn't really even attracted to him.

 

Also, I've lived through some periods of extreme personal growth. They didn't require affairs... yours didn't either. That's just another excuse. At some point your going to have to face the fact that what you have done is terrible, hurtful, and that you did it for 100% selfish reasons.

 

No intention to be bullied. Interesting and helpful to hear both sides. Can do without the graphic representation of the A though' date=' thank you very much. But guess it's your freedom of speech.[/quote']

 

Not interested in bullying anyone. I just want you to sit down and REALLY look at your motivations in this.

 

What are the chances that in honesty the real reason you don't plan to tell is because it would take the control out of your hands?

 

Everybody makes mistakes. That doesn't make you a bad person. I've made mistakes just like you! What separates the good people from the bad is how we respond to those mistakes. When we take responsibility, choose to be honest, and accept the consequences of our actions, that is what makes us good.

 

The attitude that comes across loud & clear here in LS -- The person committing the adulterous act should be banished to another kingdom & how dare you co-exist with us PERFECT people here on this planet. :rolleyes:It's BULLs*&^%! !! But here in LS........It Is What It Is!

 

I agree that some people are often out of line... but your just as bad in the other direction and I don't think there is any good excuse for it.

[on1wheel]

Tell more lies, hide more lies; all while living a lie. When will it end?

 

I know I come off as cruel, even though that is not my intention. I just get so frustrated @ the amount of women that justify their A, then further the montrous act by convincing themselves that their H's are better off not knowing.

You have taken every chance @ happiness away from a man that you swore you would make happy. He did not deserve you to cheat, (this is not just meant for those of you that have used your H's innitial affair as an excuse to go out & get yours)he does deserve to have the truth held from him; what he deserves is to FULLY know who he is married to so that he may choose to stay or realize that he may want someone else.

What I think your really afraid of is to be shown that you're not important enough to try & work through the A aftermath.

It makes no difference to me what you think of my opinion, but I promise you I know what he will feel like when he catches you. It will be sooo much worse than if you come clean of your own free will.

Again, look in the mirror & decide if you want to keep lying to everyone???

As for your comment about "in one ear & out the other...doesn't really bother me"; your not fooling anyone. You wouldn't be here if you weren't already torn apart with guilt & self-doubt about what others think.

But that is just one BS's opinion. Someone that would rather divorce someone rather than cheat...damn morality.

[Samantha0905]

 

Yes Bestplayer - MANY here believe that you need to be reminded on a daily basis what a horrible human being you are. Whether you've told your spouse or not. The act you have done is completely & totally unforgivable & it is the WORST thing one human being can do to another.

 

The attitude that comes across loud & clear here in LS -- The person committing the adulterous act should be banished to another kingdom & how dare you co-exist with us PERFECT people here on this planet.

 

It's BULLs*&^%! !! But here in LS........It Is What It Is!

 

I think many here are working out their own issues -- anger, betrayal, etc. -- and do so by berating others who have committed an act similar to the betrayal they experienced.

 

It all makes me think "The Scarlet Letter."

 

We all have an opinion and certainly (obviously) there are some who think one must confess their affair or be unhappy in their marriage throughout its existence. Others feel there are various reasons a person should not tell of an affair.

 

On LS, a lot of the people who say to tell (not all) say to tell so he can know what "kind of person" he's married to and leave your sorry ass -- or something along those lines.

 

In my opinion, there's a lot more to be learned -- if the actual intent of some posters is to help or give advice -- if the suggestion to reveal an affair is delivered in a less caustic manner.

[bestplayer]

Tell more lies, hide more lies; all while living a lie. When will it end?

 

I know I come off as cruel, even though that is not my intention. I just get so frustrated @ the amount of women that justify their A, then further the montrous act by convincing themselves that their H's are better off not knowing.

You have taken every chance @ happiness away from a man that you swore you would make happy. He did not deserve you to cheat, (this is not just meant for those of you that have used your H's innitial affair as an excuse to go out & get yours)he does deserve to have the truth held from him; what he deserves is to FULLY know who he is married to so that he may choose to stay or realize that he may want someone else.

What I think your really afraid of is to be shown that you're not important enough to try & work through the A aftermath.

It makes no difference to me what you think of my opinion, but I promise you I know what he will feel like when he catches you. It will be sooo much worse than if you come clean of your own free will.

Again, look in the mirror & decide if you want to keep lying to everyone???

As for your comment about "in one ear & out the other...doesn't really bother me"; your not fooling anyone. You wouldn't be here if you weren't already torn apart with guilt & self-doubt about what others think.

But that is just one BS's opinion. Someone that would rather divorce someone rather than cheat...damn morality.

 

on1wheel , I understand what u r saying is right & not with bad intentions .

 

However I think to decide to tell her husband about the affair is a decison that she should not take in her current state of mind , which as u can see seems to be extreamly confused .

Dont u think she should first let herself calm down & that will take some time , then decide how to approach her husband about this.

If confessing to her husband is the right thing it can only be done at right time. dont u agree?

[JustJoe]

I very much agree with Bestplayer about this issue. I am in favor of FULL disclosure, but I'm NOT in favor of immediate disclosure. Statistically, between 80 and 90 % of extramarital affairs are revealed at some point in time. Either one or the other AP will reveal it to someone else, or one or the other AP's Will reveal it to their spouse, or a friend or relative will find out about it and reveal it. There are many different scenerios.

 

Having said this, I think that waiting until the emotions between the AP's have cooled, the drama has ended, and the thoughts and intentions of the WS are FULLY committed to re-conciliation, only THEN should disclosure be made. But the idea that disclosure should not EVER be made, is essentially continuing the Affair, and the deceit and dishonesty that is part and parcel with it. I do NOT believe that complete re-commitment is possible without disclosure at some point in time. The affair is not over, and healing can't happen, until everyone is on the same page.

[FryFish]

If confessing to her husband is the right thing it can only be done at right time. dont u agree?

The right time is as soon as possible... or maybe BEFORE the A... Ya, those are the only two correct times.

 

Something that people reading threads in here should take note of:

 

For the most part, The only people who advice against disclosure are people who have, themselves, cheated.

[JustJoe]

Ms. L Designer. You say that you wish that you had not known about your husband's affair, yet you use his lack of forthrightness as YOUR excuse for not telling him about your affair. I read your post in the "revenge affair ", thread. Hypocrisy? You tell me? I don't want to influence the OP either way (see my previous post) but I feel that she should be given truthful and pertinent advice. You counsel non-disclosure, and then use your H'S non-disclosure as justification for your own, and you wonder why reconciliation is so tough? This OP needs the truth from ALL of us, not excuses for our own past f**k-ups..

[bestplayer]

The right time is as soon as possible... or maybe BEFORE the A... Ya, those are the only two correct times.

 

Something that people reading threads in here should take note of:

 

For the most part, The only people who advice against disclosure are people who have, themselves, cheated.

 

In that case , dont u think those people have a much better understanding of situation & would not want anyone to make the same mistakes that they did ?

[FryFish]

In that case , dont u think those people have a much better understanding of situation & would not want anyone to make the same mistakes that they did ?

No, I think they are selfishly trying to excuse their own dishonesty. Its easier to be a lying hoor if you arent all by yourself.

[confusedinkansas]

No, I think they are selfishly trying to excuse their own dishonesty. Its easier to be a lying hoor if you arent all by yourself.

 

WOW!!

 

In that case , dont u think those people have a much better understanding of situation & would not want anyone to make the same mistakes that they did ?

 

This is exactly the case - Or I'd like to think this is the reason that this site was created. Not for people to NAME CALL.......Thanks fishfryer!!

 

Anyway, I can't be the only one that comes here to read about other peoples situations that are close to or the same as mine - Read them - gain insite from them. AND......Maybe fix my situation with some of the ideas that have worked for others.

It's why I have told my story here. To help ME & maybe to give someone else something too.

 

When a BS is insiteful - we take their advice as RESPECTFULLY AS IT'S GIVEN. But when it's nasty & bashing - Hardly seems productive if you ask me.

Edited March 18, 2010 by confusedinkansas

[Snowflower]

WOW!!

 

 

 

This is exactly the case - Or I'd like to think this is the reason that this site was created. Not for people to NAME CALL.......Thanks fishfryer!!

 

Anyway, I can't be the only one that comes here to read about other peoples situations that are close to or the same as mine - Read them - gain insite from them. AND......Maybe fix my situation with some of the ideas that have worked for others.

It's why I have told my story here. To help ME & maybe to give someone else something too.

 

The BS's (& Fryfish I"m going to guess you are a BS) that come here to bash & be nasty.........We (well, most of us) know to let it go in one ear & out the other....so to speak. AND....When a BS is insiteful - we take their advice as RESPECTFULLY AS IT'S GIVEN.

 

 

Thanks for writing this, CIK!

 

I had actually thought of starting a thread on this topic but then decided against taking the time to do it. But the infidelity forum has turned into a pretty negative place lately and is rapidly becoming very unhelpful to the many wounded souls who post here genuinely seeking advice.

 

It's very apparent in the CW/BH threads. The WS/WW is often called a sl*t, a wh*re, can't keep her legs closed, etc.,etc. by a certain group of posters. It's like they feed off each other with the name calling. The 'atta boys' group.

 

It's one thing to tell a BS here, 'hey, I don't think your WW if going to stop the affair. I think you should get out.' That type of advice is constructive.

 

It's entirely another thing to call the OP's wife a bunch of nasty names just for the heck of it. Who here knows what the WW is really like--she might be remorseful and sorry. Why all the name calling?

 

After all, using those types of names/derogatory terms on the OM/OW forum is not tolerated. Almost anyone who uses a derogatory term against a woman over OM/OW is called on it. And for good reason--I'm glad that other members police and protect themselves over there. I really wish it was that way on the infidelity forum, as well.

[ladydesigner]

Ms. L Designer. You say that you wish that you had not known about your husband's affair, yet you use his lack of forthrightness as YOUR excuse for not telling him about your affair. I read your post in the "revenge affair ", thread. Hypocrisy? You tell me? I don't want to influence the OP either way (see my previous post) but I feel that she should be given truthful and pertinent advice. You counsel non-disclosure, and then use your H'S non-disclosure as justification for your own, and you wonder why reconciliation is so tough? This OP needs the truth from ALL of us, not excuses for our own past f**k-ups..

Hypocrisy could be. It doesn't matter I have no need to tell. I won't try to influence the OP. Personally I am growing tired of LS and all the posters who bash and push to disclose so strongly. I am going to have to just agree to disagree. I am in reconciliation, I may end up in a D at this point in my life I have no fear. I do not want to deal with any more setbacks or drama in my M. I have a lot of friends and great family, so does my H. So far reconciliation seems to be going fine I've pretty much turned a blind eye and am moving on. As for LS I may stop posting here. It just seems so pointless. This OP is trying to get over her A not trying to disclose sheesh.

[Just a stone's throw]

Thanks for the back up. I can just exercise free will and respond to what I feel is constructive and what is not. A good thing about LS. And I must say for my case, I have gained a lot of insight from both Infidelity and OM/OW sites on LS. I read both and personalize what I can. Posters who say that they feel I should disclose but do it when I think it's the right time, that's constructive. Those that said "should have never done it" well, duh. I'll jump in my time machine and take back the last 1 1/2 years. Thanks. Anyway.... I am doing better, for anyone who would like to know. I still don't feel it's the right time for me to disclose but am working on focusing on the great things about my M and H. Time is definitely helping. Thanks to those who have truly tried to help.

[JustJoe]

MS Designer, How am I bashing you? I truly want to understand your position, and would love to PM you and talk one-on-one, but I haven't been here long enough. As a new, ex-OM, I am looking for ANY insight into the mind-set of WS'S. I may not agree with you, but I value your input. If you look at my other posts, you will see that I have tried to bridge the Gap between disclosure and non-disclosure, by suggesting "delayed", disclosure, or conditional disclosure, and I really wanted your opinion on this. There are NO issues between you and I , unless you make it so. I very much want to help "Stones", because in helping her, I can gain more insight into my own issues.

[FryFish]

I apologize for my indiscretion. But you must realize that simply because you dont agree with or dont want to hear a set of advice does not mean that it isnt constructive. You will obviously do things "in your own time" but I promise you that all the progress you think you are making before you actually disclose and apologize for YOUR indiscretion is actually counterproductive. In your H's mind everything you two do between the time you ended the affair and the time he finds out about it will all be added to the lump of lies that WAS the affair.

 

Think about it; there is NO GOOD TIME to learn about an affair. There is no "right time".

[ConflictedGuy27]

Hey Stone's Throw,

 

Here's my 2 cents, coming from a man that did all to make his marraige awesome.

 

The marriage dynamic requires putting the other person before ones self. When both are able to do this, the result is amazing; very likely more so than what u felt during your A.

 

Your early posts struck me as the attitude simalar to my STBX. With her, she came before me, meanwhile I was putting her before myself. The result - she ran off when she thought she wasn't getting what she needed.

 

You should focus in on two things IMHO:

 

1. Focus in on making your husband happy, regularly; &

2. Help him understand how best to meet your needs.

 

Most husbands want nothing more than for their wives to be happy. Good men want that.

 

You should tell your husband what happened.

Today. And disclose all of the important parts.

 

If he can get past it; it may serve as the wake up call needed to jump start your M. Most marraiges don't end because of infidelity. Check the stats & you'll see.

 

Do the right thing.

[confusedinkansas]

Is it so wrong if they NEVER find out?

 

There are "Happily Ever After's" after affairs. Contrary to what many believe. Whether they are totally disclosed or not.

 

Fryfish; You're still making this about DISCLOSURE.

 

She needs help moving past the affair. Getting over the affair partner.

We all know what she (what I've done) did isn't right - but what's done is done. But asking for someone elses help, insite, guidence, experiences in order to get past this.........to me is very productive.

 

Name calling on the other hand - is not.

 

OP - You have said that as time passes it does get easier. And that is very much true. You will have little things that will trigger your memory. But, if you just push the thoughts aside, they eventually don't come nearly as often.

(Unless he's like my AP that about every six months or so has to re-surface like a burp after bad eggs!!! ) As long as the two of you remain totally NC you will be fine. You will be ok. {{hugs}}

[FryFish]

here are "Happily Ever After's" after affairs. Contrary to what many believe. Whether they are totally disclosed or not.

No, if they are not disclosed then its all just a lie. And when its not disclosed it is much more likely to happen again as soon as the WS has "gotten over the affair"...

 

Fryfish; You're still making this about DISCLOSURE.

Im making it about the golden rule.

[Samantha0905]

"Hoor?" LOL Oh my goodness. Is that the Urban Dictionary spelling?

 

And yes, it's very childish to name call.

[FryFish]

"Hoor?" LOL Oh my goodness. Is that the Urban Dictionary spelling?

 

And yes, it's very childish to name call.

I apologized already and I stole the spelling from a st patricks day book. I thought it was funny so I used it.

 

What is childish is dwelling on a post that has already been apologized for and not the main message.

[Samantha0905]

Hypocrisy could be. It doesn't matter I have no need to tell. I won't try to influence the OP. Personally I am growing tired of LS and all the posters who bash and push to disclose so strongly. I am going to have to just agree to disagree. I am in reconciliation, I may end up in a D at this point in my life I have no fear. I do not want to deal with any more setbacks or drama in my M. I have a lot of friends and great family, so does my H. So far reconciliation seems to be going fine I've pretty much turned a blind eye and am moving on. As for LS I may stop posting here. It just seems so pointless. This OP is trying to get over her A not trying to disclose sheesh.

 

I'm sorry. I certainly understand your sentiment. I agree with you disagreeing. I don't think telling is the ticket to happiness. I understand you not wanting to deal with any more setbacks. I really do. It's exhausting -- and honestly -- regardless of what people say -- I can't think of any way at this point telling is productive for all marriages. It may be to some. It may not be to others.

 

If you end up in D, I think you will be strong. You seem strong to me.

[lkjh]

Stone,

Im sorry but choosing to lie under the guise of waiting for the correct time is not going to help your marriage. You can't trick your M into healing. When you take the easy way out expect flawed results.

 

Just remember a lot of the people saying not to tell are the same people that have cheated, ran from their A, took the easy way out, and still looking for a quick fix. By not confessing be ready for a life stress because you are always gonna be looking for the "answer"

 

There will never be a perfect time to say you cheated. Right now you probably think that if you two work on the marriage and get in a good place that when you confess you will be able to convince your H that the A happen because the marriage wasn't happy.

 

I can assure that all he will see at that point is the fact that you tricked him into working on the M.

[Just a stone's throw]

Thank you for resurrecting the constructiveness of your replies (that goes to a number of posters). I am taking it all to heart. May not respond indivdually, but I am.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry for T/J just to answer these quickly

 

MS Designer, How am I bashing you? I truly want to understand your position, and would love to PM you and talk one-on-one, but I haven't been here long enough. As a new, ex-OM, I am looking for ANY insight into the mind-set of WS'S. I may not agree with you, but I value your input. If you look at my other posts, you will see that I have tried to bridge the Gap between disclosure and non-disclosure, by suggesting "delayed", disclosure, or conditional disclosure, and I really wanted your opinion on this. There are NO issues between you and I , unless you make it so. I very much want to help "Stones", because in helping her, I can gain more insight into my own issues.

It's okay I was having a hard day. Sometimes I am just not sure. I absolutely understand about disclosure. I am not sure it would be beneficial to my M. It has had way too many blows and well I just am not in a place right now to do that. I understand. My opinion is not popular.

 

I apologize for my indiscretion. But you must realize that simply because you dont agree with or dont want to hear a set of advice does not mean that it isnt constructive. You will obviously do things "in your own time" but I promise you that all the progress you think you are making before you actually disclose and apologize for YOUR indiscretion is actually counterproductive. In your H's mind everything you two do between the time you ended the affair and the time he finds out about it will all be added to the lump of lies that WAS the affair.

 

Think about it; there is NO GOOD TIME to learn about an affair. There is no "right time".

FryFish yes there are a lump of lies, but my M has not been counterproductive. Me having an A was counterproductive. I actually have been able to get back some of those emotions and love for my H that I never thought I could after his A. I understand the possibilities of him finding out later about my RA and if he does I will be truthful. Everything said here has been constructive I agree.

 

I'm sorry. I certainly understand your sentiment. I agree with you disagreeing. I don't think telling is the ticket to happiness. I understand you not wanting to deal with any more setbacks. I really do. It's exhausting -- and honestly -- regardless of what people say -- I can't think of any way at this point telling is productive for all marriages. It may be to some. It may not be to others.

 

If you end up in D, I think you will be strong. You seem strong to me.

Thanks Samantha. I am feeling much stronger these days. I am really focusing on my kids right now. That has become my number 1 and of course my M.

[JustJoe]

Sokay, LD:) Your opinion is your right, and mine is mine. I just didn't want you to think I have anything personal against you or anyone. Ms. Kansas, The number of completely undiscovered affairs are very, very, very, few (and please don't give one or two examples of them, I KNOW that there are exceptions) between 80 and 90 % are disclosed at some point in time. To put this in perspective, you have a greater chance of surviving a fall of 100 ft than your affair not being discovered. So why base your marriage on such bad odds, when by disclosing, you can beat them? And how "happy ever after", could a marriage be , if based on lies?