Trying to get over an affair

[Confused Lady]

Just A Stone's Throw: I'm curious how your NC is going? You said you worked with him, right? Have you told your H yet? How do you know exAP's W doesn't know?

[Just a stone's throw]

No, at this point I have decided I am keeping this to myself. I don't see the good outweighing the disaster of telling my H at this point but that could change in the future. My H and I are doing well. We are spending a good deal of time together and I think he can see positive changes in me that he is appreciating. I am working very hard to be engaged and rekindling the deep feelings between us.

 

ExMM and I used to work together, now it's a professional relationship. He helped me to get my current position. He ended it because he was guilt-ridden for his kids finding out, so I know, and he has told me the last thing he would do is tell his W and risk his kids being hurt by that. He expects me not to confess either and I have told him that if something changed and I felt either of us needed to, we would let each other know first. There is only one other person, a friend of mine who lives a couple hours away who has known about it a year and knows it ended she is very supportive of me and has no reason to tell anyone.

 

NC only lasted a couple weeks as I emailed him 2 days ago to ask a professional question. His response, though professional did not make me feel good. I think minimal contact from either of us is best. I don't hate him, I don't think he harbors any ill-will toward me (at leasat he says he doesn't) we just know we can't be together or have anything more than civil contact as neither of us can handle it nor should we. He's much better at distancing himself than I. I'm not sure he ever had "feelings" for me other than sexual. He's definitely not a real communicative person about feelings and suppresses them very well so if there was anything they will never see the light of day.

 

I believe if his W knew she would have been on my doorstep right away. We live in the same town. I believe the only way she would know is if he told her. He's not really interested in reconciling with her and believes their marriage is status quo so no need for him to confess. Not sure if he's a serial cheater or not. I don't think so. But stranger things have happened that have surprised me.

[FryFish]

My H and I are doing well.

lol... This will be the illusion you see until he finds out... and he will find out.

[Just a stone's throw]

And I'll deal with the consequences if and when that happens. I will prepare myself best I can but I know I'll have to live with my actions and decisions. Thanks Fish for reminding me

[ladydesigner]

lol... This will be the illusion you see until he finds out... and he will find out.

 

... or not lol. They don't always find out.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sorry "Stone", but your words are hollow. Where was your concern for the MM's wife and kids, when you were f**king him?

 

while I absolutely agree with these words, they are very hypocritical coming from you

[JustJoe]

DM, do you ever read anyone's posts? My MW had no kids, and for most of our affair was separated from her H. If you want to diss me, go ahead, but at least get your facts straight.

[Woman In Blue]

Our relationship as of the last few months has become mostly email and he recently ended the relationship all together because he felt we needed to stop torturing each other. He wants to protect his family and says he can't allow our relationship to potentially jeopardize losing his kids.

"Torturing" each other? I thought it was just an FWB situation? It kind of sounds as though he's no longer getting enough bang for his buck (no pun intended!) and the risk of getting caught is just no longer worth it to him. When he was actually getting sex from you he sure didn't worry about "jeopardizing" his family's security then, did he? But now that it's primarily an email/texting "romance," the risk of getting caught emailing you simply isn't worth it any longer. LOL. He's as transparent as glass.

The OM has asked for NC as he feels this is the only way we'll get over each other and I am having a really tough time with this.

Again, you'd stated that he was very strict about emotion NOT being involved in this FWB arrangement. So, I don't quite understand why he's suddenly playing the emotion card as an excuse to have NC. Sounds to me like he simply doesn't want to be bothered being your email pen-pal anymore.

 

I'd be willing to bet my right arm that he's replaced you with another FWB and in his eyes, quite honestly there's just no POINT in keeping communication open with you. Writing emails and being in touch all the time requires work and effort and when there's no longer a payoff for doing it, it just isn't worth the time invested for him. It was worth it when you and he were having sex, but now that it's only an email romance, he simply doesn't see the point in doing it anymore. So, he's using the excuse that you "need to get over each other" and that over-used old standby, "I'm no longer willing to risk my family and lose my children" excuse to back out of having to commit to constant correspondence with you. This is SO obvious, JustAStone.

 

Just calling a spade a spade.

 

You wouldn't be the first person left to try to figure out how to move on and you won't be the last. As cliche as it sounds, the passage of time - and how you spend that time - will be key in getting on with your life.

[Just a stone's throw]

WIB - Thanks for pointing out what I thought could possibly be the case. Our ability to be together because of my work out of town diminished drastically last fall. But our email conversations ended up heating up drastically after the holidays. The fact that we couldn't get together as there were no opportunities for any time alone I think really got to him and he saw himself making desparate pleas which he didn't like. He has a lot of female "pen pals" as he calls them. He stated that ours was the only relationship of this type amongst them. I always wondered but I took him at face value. I can't control it, if that's what he needed to do, well then that's what he needed to do and it's good that I'm done. I don't need any diseases, that's for sure. I appreciate the time you took to comment on my thread. Very thought provoking.

[Tommy's Girl]

WIB - Thanks for pointing out what I thought could possibly be the case. Our ability to be together because of my work out of town diminished drastically last fall. But our email conversations ended up heating up drastically after the holidays. The fact that we couldn't get together as there were no opportunities for any time alone I think really got to him and he saw himself making desparate pleas which he didn't like. He has a lot of female "pen pals" as he calls them. He stated that ours was the only relationship of this type amongst them. I always wondered but I took him at face value. I can't control it' date=' if that's what he needed to do, well then that's what he needed to do and it's good that I'm done. I don't need any diseases, that's for sure. I appreciate the time you took to comment on my thread. Very thought provoking.[/quote']

 

I'm new here and I have compassion for you JST. I used to be a lot like some of these judgemental posters. I would condemn anyone who said they cheated in anyway. I've read most of your posts on this situation and I understand the struggle. You don't sound selfishness at all. I was never involved in a physical affair but I didn't become involved in an emotional affair. I didn't go seeking one. I met a guy that I actually hated because we had nothing in common, but we slowly became friends. I was giving him more attention than my husband and I HATED myself for it. Sometimes when the heart becomes involved, all common sense goes out the window. When you finally realize you just can't live that way, it takes a lot of self-discipline and strength to stop. Of course you are blessed that that OM is the one to call it off. It does make is so much easier. Thinking back, I should have listened to that little voice that told me in the beginning not to have any conversations with anyone of the opposite sex! I didn't listen and thought oh this is harmless. Well, it was far from harmless. I'm lucky that I never took it to the physical level, but in so many ways, the emotional level is just as bad. When you give your mind and heart to another man, it takes away from the love and attention you (I'm referring to me as as well)) should be giving your man. I just got caught up in the excitement of having someone give me attention again. After being married so many years, you get comfortable but excitement isn't an everyday event. A new "friend" can become addictive. Anyway, I have become a new, more compassionate and humble person because of my experience. It's still a struggle sometimes as each day passes that I practice self-control, I get stronger and stronger. There is no such thing as partial contact when it comes to these kinds of relationships. It's like taking one step forward and steps back to talk to someone you have feeling for that you shouldn't. I learned to really appreciate the love my husband gives me. I even admitted to him about the emotional affair. He's been nothing but loving and caring through it all. Sometimes we have to go through things in order to help other people and know to what to avoid in the future ourselves. I've learned to set boundaries and not cross them. I've beat myself up about more than anyone else could. After reading lots of stories online, I realize I am not alone. Not everyone purposely jumps into an affair. Sometimes the heart takes over and leaves you divided and confused. It's never too late to do what's right. It may hurt at first, but it will fade and soon he will fade from memory. I compare it to a boyfriend I had before I married that broke up with me. I remember the gut-wrenching pain and thinking I'd never get over him. Ha! I never think about him anymore and when I do, I thank God I met my husband!

[Just a stone's throw]

TG - Your compassion and insight is much appreciated. Thank you for posting. You are so right about the discipline that it takes to get your head around letting things get out of control. Every day is a struggle and I hope that it will feel less and less like one as time goes on. My husband does deserve my full attention, love and support. He is my first priority.

 

Again, thank you and good luck to you and your husband!

[HopeMonster]

I am working very hard to be engaged and rekindling the deep feelings between us.

 

Cheating and your decision to tell him or not aside, this is the real issue now.

 

The Hope Monster is VERY interested to know to what degree you succeed in this for yourself.

[Just a stone's throw]

Cheating and your decision to tell him or not aside, this is the real issue now.

 

The Hope Monster is VERY interested to know to what degree you succeed in this for yourself.

 

 

Hi Hope - I'm happy to answer and update. At the risk of sounding paranoid am not sure what angle you are coming from? The hope that I succeed or fail? As you can see there are those that could help to make this a self-fulfiling prophecy.

[HopeMonster]

Hi Hope - I'm happy to answer and update. At the risk of sounding paranoid am not sure what angle you are coming from? The hope that I succeed or fail? As you can see there are those that could help to make this a self-fulfiling prophecy.

 

[Hope Monster has had second thoughts and will be retiring now.] :o:o:o

 

I was too stupid to see how this could go wrong before I tried it. I learn from failing. At least I have the account now so someone even dumber than me won't try it too.

 

I want you to succeed.

[Just a stone's throw]

[Hope Monster has had second thoughts and will be retiring now.] :o:o:o

 

I was too stupid to see how this could go wrong before I tried it. I learn from failing. At least I have the account now so someone even dumber than me won't try it too.

 

I want you to succeed.

 

No need to retire, Hope! I just am sensitive on this forum to the differing opinions about what I should and shouldn't do about "telling" all. It's a good balance and I've learned a lot from it. Just wondered which how you saw it as your post was a little non-descript at first. My husband is a wonderful man. He is very deserving of a wonderful wife and I am giving him me. That in and of it's self is cheating him. I am trying to make me the best I can at this point. At this point I cannot crush him and everyone around him by confessing so that is what I have decided is the best thing for now. I am being selfish and if this site has taught me anything it is how selfish I have and continue to be. It is something I am working on but am no where near succeeding yet. There is a little bit of progress though. That is good for now. Thank you Hope Monster for your interest and I'd like to know your story.

[JustJoe]

Lady Designer and "Stones". I'm truly sorry to tell you this, but in almost all cases (between 90 and 95 %) the affair is discovered at some point in time. I know that both of you HOPE it will remain a secret, but the odds are way against you. Just like the accident with his kid, something always comes out. Instead of basing your married life on such long odds, I think you should prepare for the worst case scenerio.

 

What will you do if the BH or BW finds out, from whatever source? How will you explain it then? Is this the way you want to live? I think, IMO, that you would be better off by working TOWARDS disclosure.. Make your goal a new , honest, and loving marriage, with no secrets to hang over your head. Or divorce and both you and your spouses find new loves. Imagine the relief, to not have to keep your feelings hidden. I like and respect both of you, and hope that things will turn out well for you, and believe me I KNOW it's a hard road.

[Just a stone's throw]

Joe, appreciate that point. And I would agree with you, in most cases. I don't think (and not that I'm being naive though that is my middle name) that I have cause to worry that we will be discovered now that it's done. We didn't leave any trails except in our minds. You're right that is a big part and I am wrestling with the toll it's likely to take on my gut.

 

But with all do respect, I just can't do it right now. Thanks for your support, it means a lot that you want me to do the right thing.

[confusedinkansas]

Lady Designer and "Stones". I'm truly sorry to tell you this, but in almost all cases (between 90 and 95 %) the affair is discovered at some point in time. I know that both of you HOPE it will remain a secret, but the odds are way against you. Just like the accident with his kid, something always comes out. Instead of basing your married life on such long odds, I think you should prepare for the worst case scenerio.

 

What will you do if the BH or BW finds out, from whatever source? How will you explain it then? Is this the way you want to live? I think, IMO, that you would be better off by working TOWARDS disclosure.. Make your goal a new , honest, and loving marriage, with no secrets to hang over your head. Or divorce and both you and your spouses find new loves. Imagine the relief, to not have to keep your feelings hidden. I like and respect both of you, and hope that things will turn out well for you, and believe me I KNOW it's a hard road.

 

between 90 and 95 %........

Is not ALL. Not ALL affairs are found out.

 

Or divorce

Nor is divorce ALWAYS the answer.

 

Many marriages survive NOT telling....And they are FINE!

 

Many marriages also survive with the spouse knowing.

 

Yes, it's a crap shoot

Yes, it is a risk that many decide NOT to take & make the solid decision NOT to tell.....Such as Stone's Throw.

 

Everyone has to do what's best for their specific situation. We are not in their shoes. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Therefore, if someone has made the decision to not tell - then shouldn't there be some sort of respect.

 

It's when someone waffles all over the place & sits on the fence - that's where it's easier to lose respect for someone (hell, I did that & lost respect for myself )

[Just a stone's throw]

CIK - Love ya' babe! Thanks for the support, though I won't be so presumptuous to say I won't waffle all over the place at some point in time. Just right now, I know what I and my marriage can and can't handle. Yep, it's a control thing, I feel like I have to have some kind of control. And if it's taken away from me, then so be it and I'll deal with it.

[tnttim]

We both have struggled with our marriages, he stays for his kids and his position in the community, I stay for the friendship I have with my husband and the fact that a divorce in his family would be devestating.

 

 

Why are you dooming your kids into a loveless marriage like you have right now with your H?

 

Kids are a lot smarter than you think and they are studying the interactions between you and your H. My 4 year old reverted to peeing herself even before my W cheated on me, she picked up on it even before W carried it out. Why? because she knew something was wrong with mom and dad, because mommy had changed the way she talked about daddy when daddy wasn't around. Kids are also hardwired to mimic parents behavior, it's in our DNA.

 

Why don't you do the things you do with OM, with husband and see if that brings a spark back. I say try anything except the path you are on. It's not the OM giving you these great feelings, it's the fact that you are allowing him to, any man can give you those feelings, you just have to let them.

[ladydesigner]

between 90 and 95 %........

Is not ALL. Not ALL affairs are found out.

 

Or divorce

Nor is divorce ALWAYS the answer.

 

Many marriages survive NOT telling....And they are FINE!

 

Many marriages also survive with the spouse knowing.

 

Yes, it's a crap shoot

Yes, it is a risk that many decide NOT to take & make the solid decision NOT to tell.....Such as Stone's Throw.

 

Everyone has to do what's best for their specific situation. We are not in their shoes. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Therefore, if someone has made the decision to not tell - then shouldn't there be some sort of respect.

 

It's when someone waffles all over the place & sits on the fence - that's where it's easier to lose respect for someone (hell, I did that & lost respect for myself )

 

Yes I agree with this. While I know most affairs are discovered, if mine isn't then it isn't. If it is discovered...well I will disclose. I am definitely not losing sleep over it. Either way whatever happens will happen the way it is supposed to. Right now I am not in the camp of telling. I truly do not think it would benefit my M at this point. My H and I are doing better than I thought we ever could and I am starting to fall in love with him again as i believe he is as well. We both were struggling, both were ready to D, but we have managed to turn it around. If my not disclosing ends up biting me in the a$$ later on well, I will deal with it then. There are many lies that were never uncovered on my H's part as well and I have chosen to let it go and move forward. I am no longer bothered by it. Life happens to all of us.

[confusedinkansas]

Lady - This is how I look at my own situation as well.

Non-Drama filled. Getting on with life. If things are good, (or getting better) don't make waves.

 

I almost wish there were more people in life that took the NO-DRAMA/Relax & Enjoy route!

[Just a stone's throw]

Why are you dooming your kids into a loveless marriage like you have right now with your H?

 

Kids are a lot smarter than you think and they are studying the interactions between you and your H. My 4 year old reverted to peeing herself even before my W cheated on me, she picked up on it even before W carried it out. Why? because she knew something was wrong with mom and dad, because mommy had changed the way she talked about daddy when daddy wasn't around. Kids are also hardwired to mimic parents behavior, it's in our DNA.

 

Why don't you do the things you do with OM, with husband and see if that brings a spark back. I say try anything except the path you are on. It's not the OM giving you these great feelings, it's the fact that you are allowing him to, any man can give you those feelings, you just have to let them.

 

I do not have children. It's just my husband and I. I am a child of divorce so do understand what kids go through. ExMM has two children. How he handles his kids is up to him. Thanks for sharing your perspective though.

 

As far as doing the things with my H to bring the spark back... well through counseling and talking we have gotten a lot better but our sex life will not be where I was with exMM. Physically, it just won't happen. ExMM was a little younger and a spitfire. I just have to enjoy what I have as it's not un pleasant at all, just not along the same lines. You can't always get what you want.... but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need... (thanks to the other "Stone's")

[JustJoe]

I knew that CIK would advocate not telling, but do you want to base your married life on a less than 1 in 10 chance that you won't be discovered? I know that I wouldn't. And also, where is your respect for your H's? Don't either of you feel that your H is deserving of the truth? By working towards disclosure, you are working on the integrity issues that you now have, and making yourself a better, more honest person.

 

Affairs are all about deceit, and by not telling , you are continuing the deceit, thus continuing the affair, don't you think? . If I didn't like you two , I wouldn't care, one way or the other, but I really think that both of you have a real shot at re-connection, and self-improvement, but only by being honest. Further lies will only harm the cause. This is my respectful opinion, and as always, I hope that all AP'S will choose the honest path. I did, and ALL parties are better for it. Everybody knows where they stand.

[Tommy's Girl]

I'm sure I'll be repeating what so many others have said, but this is what's on my heart today. I watched a TV program the other night on unfaithful marriages. They were true stories. The commonalities in these situations really made me stop and think... 1. There is always regret 2. Usually the cheater realizes the grass is never greener on the other side. If it is, we should water on our grass and watch it thrive - not starve it 3. The negative consequences far outweigh the pleasure an affair might bring. 4. No one was happy. What hurt the most to me (because it convicted me) is all the cheaters admitted how selfish they were. When you're in the affair and your heart is involved, you convince yourself you're not selfish and that you are only trying to satisfy a need. I've convinced myself of that before. It's such BS. It is selfishness. We all have unfulfilled needs in our lives, but do we cheat to get those needs met? It might fix something temporarily, but never long term. It's ridiculous to assume no one will get hurt. I saw the ones who were betrayed. My own mother was betrayed by my dad, and she's never been the same since. It shook her to her core. In an affair, someone somewhere will get hurt because of the cheater(s) actions. It may be a spouse or kids, but most times you just cheat yourself. That's why it's called "cheating." It's not fair. It's not right. It takes strength, it takes heartache, it takes determination and prayer(for me), going against every fiber of your being to stay away from someone to make things right, but the right thing to do is rarely the easiest thing to do and what feels the best. Sometimes it hurts but eventually it will be so worth it to be faithful to one person and to not struggle with sharing love. We all watch love stories and hear love songs - they are usually about two people in love. Don't you want that? That's what keeps me motivated to stay strong. I want my husband and me to be those two crazy in love people in the song - not me, husband an OM or me and OM, while husband is still in the picture! When two people get married they become one unit. There is no room for an outsider. I don't condone divorce, but I say if you really can't leave an affair, be fair to your spouse and leave the marriage. Give them a chance to find someone who is faithful. I would want my husband to do me that favor if he refused to give up a relationship with another woman. Yes, it would hurt. It would hurt worse though to share him or find out I've been sharing him. All of us who have been in affairs have made excuses because it's too darn hard to face the truth. The truth is brutal and it hurts. Grow a backbone and refuse to be selfish.