Back on the dating scene more difficult than I imagined

[Marina09]

I've been single for a whole year now. I've gone out with guys but nothing serious. At this point I'm feeling very unsure about myself and my capacities to attract men. I consider myself to be very good looking, but I think my personality makes them stay away from me. I am very shy and very hard to talk to at the beginning, but once I trust somebody I can be the funniest person to be with. However I see men like outgoing girls, I've gone out clubbing with girls that are not attractive at all but their personality seem to atract men like a magnet. I don't know if I should try changing my way or just wait for the guy that understands me and appreciates me as I am.

I don't want you to think I am a social freak, but usually I don't talk to anyone if they don't talk to me. I am 100% a Cancer woman if you know what I'm talking about. Please give me some advice and let me know if you think I should be more open to men when they approch me. I'm starting to feel useless and worthless...

[JaneDoe35]

I am not a man....but I have heard that if a woman is very good looking and appears unapproachable (shy in your case) that some men may feel she is snobby and out of their league. I could be completely wrong...just a thought!!

[TouchedByViolet]

If you are very good looking and very quiet most guys are going to assume you are either taken or not interested in them at all. Still that's better than being ugly and quiet, then you would just be doomed. I think if you make a few small steps in being more social and just trying to initiate conversation with someone you will meet more guys and potentially a future partner.

[murphomatic]

I've been single for a whole year now. I've gone out with guys but nothing serious. At this point I'm feeling very unsure about myself and my capacities to attract men. I consider myself to be very good looking, but I think my personality makes them stay away from me. I am very shy and very hard to talk to at the beginning, but once I trust somebody I can be the funniest person to be with. However I see men like outgoing girls, I've gone out clubbing with girls that are not attractive at all but their personality seem to atract men like a magnet. I don't know if I should try changing my way or just wait for the guy that understands me and appreciates me as I am.

Don't change who you are - otherwise you'll find someone pursuing you for something you're really not. I personally do NOT like those "club girl" types... I never want to date "that girl" - I've done that before and found myself routinely embarrassed in public from her ridiculous antics (she'd usually wind up being drunk and obnoxious - all the while thinking she was sooo funny and classy, while everyone around her shrank back in disgust).

I don't want you to think I am a social freak, but usually I don't talk to anyone if they don't talk to me. I am 100% a Cancer woman if you know what I'm talking about. Please give me some advice and let me know if you think I should be more open to men when they approch me. I'm starting to feel useless and worthless...

You and I are both Cancers in this regard. I'm usually not one to approach people, I do a lot of fun things and am very active, but most things I do - I do alone or at least keep to myself. I've never been comfortable playing the role of "just another ass with a cheap, overused pickup line". I mean - of course, if someone approaches me and wants to talk, or if I have something genuine to say - I don't hesitate too much .. I mean, we're all just people and there's no reason why a couple of people can't share a conversation...but like I said - it has to be a genuine situation, and not some cheesy excuse for an attempted pickup. Don't lose heart - you'll find someone who truly understands you. You and I are both waiting for the same thing.

[Toki]

Be careful who you pretend to be, otherwise you might end up like someone you don't want to be.

 

Don't discourage yourself, just take good care of yourself, and someone is bound to notice in due time.

[happyjule2009]

Marina09, I've had a problem like you. I am a shy, busy professional that don't have much time to go out during the week. On the weekends, I'd rather stay home in my comfort zone than to go to a club or bar with my friends. Being that I am in my early 30's and don't like to do any of those that I just mentioned, it is a little harder to find someone. All of my friends friends are involved or married. So, I had to find an Austin dating service in my area so that I can find someone in my area. So far I've been on a couple of dates and it did not work out but we both know that there is no hard feelings because we are both looking to find a connection. I'm hoping to find the right person but of course I would take is slow. I am looking for another service as well just so that I can put my eggs in different baskets.

[Disillusioned]

I'm having a tough enough time myself, largely because groups for singles who share my interest, haven't been created yet. And the irony is, my buddy who's going through a divorce is turning to ME for help in putting himself back on the market. I guess he thinks I know the Rise and Fall of Online Dating like the back of my hand... but I wish he wouldn't lean on me for advice because I don't want to be responsible if he tries something and gets burned. What works for Tweedledum might not work for Tweedledee.

[norajane]

It is hard, but shy girls are attractive to some of us men. For example I went bowling with some friends the other day and two single girls came along. One was very extroverted, dancing, putting her arm around me and all that.

 

However the other girl barely spoke, was gorgeous but barely interacted with us. Yet I came away far, far more interested in her than the outgoing girl.

 

Interested, sure. But did you talk to her, flirt with her, and ask to see her again?

 

Marina, at some point you have to get over yourself and realize that you are holding yourself back by being so shy.

 

let me know if you think I should be more open to men when they approch me

Of course you should be more open to men when they approach you! How else will you ever get to know anyone?

 

Practice being more outgoing in general, and it will become easier to talk to men when you meet them. Talk to people when you're out and about - the grocery store clerk, the security guy in your office building, the guy you pass on the street walking his very cute dog, etc. Just pleasantries is fine, but talk to everyone - young, old, man, woman.

 

You have to realize there is no harm in being friendly and giving people a chance to get to know you, or no one ever will! And every time you are open to a guy who approaches you, it will make you feel better about yourself and build up your confidence so you can continue to be more outgoing.

 

This doesn't require a drastic change in your personality, but little steps that will make you feel more comfortable letting your personality shine through.

[hapadude]

Just do what feels right. If you think forcing yourself out there will help out by all means you should! For me I'm very confident in myself but can tend to be introverted and prefer alone time. I was going through a big dating slump too and was worried that there was something wrong with. In the end I got a dating coach who forced me to approach women and felt completely ****ty afterwards. Now that I've relaxed and just did what feels right I've been doing much better. Above all just love yourself for who you are and don't worry so much. Often times conversation happens more naturally if you do this.

[Disillusioned]

The dating scene itself is changing, and a lot of what worked 20 or 30 years ago doesn't work now. The rules are changing, but guess what... I see a lot of daters trying to push back against the new rules. For most people, it's just too damn comfortable to do things the way they always did, instead of having to learn a whole different mindset.

 

A good example... when I went to that workshop for commitment-minded singles a week ago, the hostess said "know what you want in a partner, and write out a list." This woman says she was a serial dater before she got married over 2 years ago, so presumably she knows what worked for her. But write out a list??? Who would do a wonky, nerdy thing like that, I hear you ask? But that's one example of how things are changing: you can take 'em or leave 'em.

 

Quoth me: it is better to be ahead of one's time and be thought a fool, than to fight fate and get steamrolled by it.

[Jerry18]

I've been single for a whole year now. I've gone out with guys but nothing serious. At this point I'm feeling very unsure about myself and my capacities to attract men. I consider myself to be very good looking, but I think my personality makes them stay away from me. I am very shy and very hard to talk to at the beginning, but once I trust somebody I can be the funniest person to be with. However I see men like outgoing girls, I've gone out clubbing with girls that are not attractive at all but their personality seem to atract men like a magnet. I don't know if I should try changing my way or just wait for the guy that understands me and appreciates me as I am.

I don't want you to think I am a social freak, but usually I don't talk to anyone if they don't talk to me. I am 100% a Cancer woman if you know what I'm talking about. Please give me some advice and let me know if you think I should be more open to men when they approch me. I'm starting to feel useless and worthless...

 

Don't go to clubs. No offense, but most mature men don't go to clubs with the purpose of finding girls.

 

If you're attractive, but shy then you're a perfect match for online dating services. You can attract the men with your looks but you don't have to say a word!